The Idiot's Guide to Nindo
by James Ray Edwards
Summary: [AU]The Idiot's Guide to Nindo: Guaranteed to turn any No Talent, Number One Unpredictable Ninja, Loser into a Genius of all affairs, or your money back guaranteed! It's so easy, even a Naruto can do it! ...What the HECK is this?
1. Chapter 1 Vol1 NARUto OP

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Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

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The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 01:

The Book

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Now, where did this whole mess start? When did he get the bright idea to become a Hokag...okay, scratch that! When did he get the _absolutely_ bright friggin' awe-some! idea to become:

"The Kage of _Kage_"?

Well, if there was a time and place, Uzumaki Naruto would profess it was at the magical age of seven.

Yes: Seven, that delightful number of the universe, like seven days in a week. The day _Kami_-sama decided to take a break and declare the universe was made was also the magic number seven. Seven for seven sins and seven virtues. Seven for the three heavens for the soul and four earths for the body, containing both the spiritual and temporal.

Yup, it was exactly the sort of spooky-hooky-kooky mumbo-wha-cha-ma-call-it-jumbo that Yuuko-_onee_san would whisper huskily by his ears under veil of smoke from a Lady's aristocratic pipe. Oh yeah, those were some good times, though he still disliked the fact she had to go and kick him out of "The Shop." He loved that place, darn it!

Of course, it always did seem to come down to one word and one word only, unfortunately, for people in their line of work:

_Hitsuzen _- Fate.

Foreordained events and all that crazy good stuff; part of the reason he bet his nine lives that he could not stay with her; and part of the reason why they even met. Come to think of it, meeting Ichihara Yuuko (an assumed name, of course, much to Naruto's private chagrin) was probably the real reason. The place where it all began, the origin, the spark that ignited a chain reaction that was still burning and exploding into infini-!

Yeah.

Right.

Now where was he again? Oh right, where it all begun.

Seven years old...

A black fence...

Yuuko-_onee_san...

Well, it was probably the most craptacular day in his seven years, one day, twelve hours, and thirty seconds of life. His birthday was just the day before, too. Naruto hated his birthday because it was right smackdab on the eve of the Kyuubi-no-Kitsune's Defeat (No offense meant, My ever freakin' sex-OW! Okay, okay! I get it!), which meant there was a lot booze, merrymaking, and drunks, and when folks got drunk, they got adventurous. For whatever reasons, a bottle of piss poor booze can quite literally turn a coward into the bravest dickhead on the planet, and he hated those jerks too because they made his life MISERABLE.

So here he was, walking around totally bummed out, a blonde head of hair hung low and worthless, with no real destination in mind. Feeling ornery was a norm for him after the Kyuubi's festival, he had already healed up from the latest rounds of slashes and bruises all over his body, although the reason for why he had such extraordinary healing powers would not be revealed until much later. At his age, young Naruto just assumed everybody could do it.

Anyways, he heard from his ANBU keeper, Dog (as per the mask he wore), that old man Sandaime was going to be coming down to see him in the evening. Apparently, having turned the age of seven, Naruto was to now set upon some grand decision that would forever set the course for his life, or as Dog had put it:

"Today, you will choose what it is to define your existence."

Talk about some freaking awesome psychobabble for the demon container's wounded mind, though looking back, he had to wonder if Dog was some metaphoric omen himself. After all, dogs are renowned as psychopomps, guides, and companions, so would not this have been some blatant foreshadowing on what was to come? The guy practically gave away that he was about to enter a huge rite of passage, for Buddha's sake!

Anyways, so he was walking along in some suburban neighborhood, somewhere between the good and "bad" side of Konoha, the crossroads. Out of idleness, Naruto drummed the fingers of his right hand along the walled fences that separated each residence into a neat little square plot of land. He had walked around town a lot in his seven or so odd years, with too much free and nothing to do, memorizing the layout of the entire ninja "village" by heart. In fact, the blonde-haired boy had even gone as far to memorize the look and feel of each building, its purpose, who it belonged to, what family resided there if any, and tons of other little knick-knacks.

So when his fingers just so happened to brush against that _alien _surface, it immediately stopped him dead in his tracks. The eerie thought crossed his mind that there was something here that absolutely did **not **belong, and glancing out of the corner of his eye, Naruto's suspicion was confirmed. A tall black fence made of wood polished to a glossy sheen, as such that he could even see his own reflection mirrored upon its obsidian, but upon closer inspection, he found that there was no paint or finish at all:

This wood literally was black.

"Huh? No way," Naruto murmured in wonder.

At this point, his curiosity peaked to brand new heights for it had been a long time since he had discovered anything new in all of Konoha, he vouched that not even _hitsuzen_ could have stopped him. If he had any common sense left, Naruto would have realized that he was trespassing on private property here, but hey, who cared? It was not as if he had not gotten the snot beaten out of him before, so he could spare some pain to satisfy.

His original plan was to survey the property first all around to see how big it was and then have a look inside; the thing is, he never got to do any of that, period. For whatever reasons, his body began to move on its own, suddenly, much to Naruto's surprise, and before he knew it, he had ran right past the front gates, which oddly have a gate at all, and straight into the front door. But his body did not stop there, and he hardly had a chance to brace for the...

"W-Wait, this isn't-!"

WHAM!

...impact.

Now, that ruined his mood, and like an unfortunate fly, he slid off the great double doors, flopped onto the pavement in a near boneless heap. His nose stung like hell, a minor injury to be honest, but it irritated the heck out of him, and boy, was he peeved. Why the heck did his body just go flipping crazy like that for? He was not possessed by a ghost or something like that now was he?

"Hmmm, close enough actually," a regal feminine voice answered him.

Hm, so he was possessed...WHAT THE!

Naruto sat upright in a near blink of an eye, hurriedly backpedaling as far as he could until his back met with the trunk of a nearby tree with a resounding thud. A sharp nail of pain spiked across the board of his consciousness, but he was much to afraid at being caught to worry about it, so much for his former bravery. In fact, the blonde-haired boy could not help but feel a deep sickly feeling as his blue eyes locked gazes with the hypnotic sepia-hued eyes --- Holy Zen, did they just flash golden for a second there? --- of the, well, impossibly beautiful woman.

She was wonderful, really; everything about her was wonderful. Long glossy raven tresses spilled down her back, well past her slim, perfect waist. Shoot, everything was perfect about her: unblemished porcelain skin, the ornate black choker around her neck with its black sickle moon, and the loose white kimono, patterned with red roses, that she wore oh-so-casually.

In fact, so casually that he had a perfect view of her ample bosom and the strapless, lacy black bra she wore like a...

At this point, Naruto had to clamp a hand over his nose to stem a nosebleed, his face utterly red with a blush. Granted, his vocabulary was not that great and his young mind had yet to fully grasp the worldly concepts of the adult world, but bloody hell, did not this qualify as indecent exposure around a minor or something? Cripes!

"_Oya_-_oya_, I never figured you to be into older women. Ahhh, youth nowadays, so easily corrupted," the woman sighed as she rose from her crouch to her full height.

Naruto gaped. She was tall, really tall for a "girl." And he just could not shake this really creepy, weird feeling that was radiating off her, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

"Well, won't you join me in the veranda for a cup of tea, young _man_? _Fufufu_, as long as you're here, you might as well enjoy the brief repose before we get to business."

Now, this was creepy! Naruto had never met any adults, besides perhaps Old Man Sandaime and a couple of ANBU, who treated him with any decency at all. All the adults in the village, ninja and commoner alike, practically made him eat dirt on a regular basis with their hateful whispers and killing rejection. Yet, this was woman was the complete opposite, welcoming him of all people, though he did not quite understand what she meant by business.

Still, it could not be a bad thing, could it?

* * *

The Lady's "house" was unlike anything he had ever seen before, the architecture was a totally neat blend of the traditional style he saw all around Konoha and some kind foreign architecture. She must have been quite wealthy too, considering her house was big enough to be considered a mansion, sitting upon a sizeable plot of land where she could have trees growing in her backyard and even a well. The garden she had going out front from her veranda was well-kept, and had a soothing effect on his nerves.

Sitting here on the porch with her, Naruto felt strangely at home, like he belonged here. A funny thought for sure because he never really felt like he belonged anywhere before, not until now:

"Umm, errr, uh, _O-Onee_-san?"

The Lady giggled at his expense, making him flush in embarrassment, but he did not mind it terribly, as she seemed to be enjoying herself, "My, my, aren't you a sweet thing? I haven't had anyone call me that in a long, long time, so it seems."

"Ehehe, um..."

"Come on, go ahead and ask me. I know there's a thousand little questions going through your head right now, so how about we answer them? A little give and take, hmmm?"

"Ah, well, err... I'm --- I'm Uzumaki --- Uzumaki Naruto."

"Ho, that's very gutsy of you, _bouya_. With the knowledge of a person's name, you should be forewarned that it is possible for one to lay hold of a piece of that person's soul."

"Eeeeeehhhhh? R-REALLY?"

"Why yes. Didn't anyone warn you about that before, Na-ru-to-kun?"

"Uh, well, no..." Naruto sulked, lowering his head as he felt a tad stupid at not knowing such a thing. Stupid adults always keeping secrets from him.

The Lady giggled again, her hand mysteriously finding its way upon his head before he knew, as she ruffled his hair in an oddly affectionate manner, "Oh, don't worry yourself silly over it. Besides, you and I are already connected, so it's only fair that now you know my name as well."

"Yours? But isn't that a..."

"A bad thing? Depends upon the person you give it to, and oh, it's Ichihara Yuuko."

"Yuuko-_onee_san."

"Ohhhh! That's so sweet of you, Naruto-kun! Too bad, it's an assumed name."

At this point, Naruto barely managed to catch himself from a monstrous impulsive faceplant. He had just been tricked, lied to, and yet --- why could he not begrudge this woman at all?

"Don't take it personally, Naruto-kun," Yuuko smiled at him, "In my profession, it's best not to give your real name out, even to your loved ones. Names hold more power than you can imagine, and something as simple as a word can kill."

"A word can kill? No way."

"Oh, yes way."

"Um, Yuuko-_onee_san, are you a _kunoichi_ by any chance?"

"Ha, hardly! Which brings us interestingly enough to our business today, between you and I, Naruto-kun."

"R-Really?"

"Yes, and what kind of a shop do you think this is?"

"...Wha? You mean, this place, your house is..."

"Yes, it's a shop."

"Uh, I guess, um..."

"Go on, you might just be right. Follow what your heart tells you because chances are --- your mind is just lying to you, to hide you from the truth."

"A wish shop?"

Yuuko cried with joy, clapping her hands together gleefully, "Wonderful! You're such a perceptive boy, Naruto-kun. Definitely not boring or bad tempered at all."

"Ehehe, it's nothing really," the blonde-haired boy replied sheepishly with a blush, "but you're not serious are you? A wish shop?"

"Oh, I'm afraid this isn't just some delusion from your dreams, Naruto-kun, and I **know **you have a wish because otherwise you would not have been able to traverse the ward that separate my home, this world, from that world."

"Um, well, if you say so --- uwah! Y-Yuuko-san!"

She was caressing his face

"There: isn't that enough proof that I'm real, that this is real?"

"B-But I don't have a wish. Not a real one anyway, I think..."

"Well, let's hear it: you never know until you ask, but --- do understand that there is payment involved..."

"P-Payment? But --- but I really don't have any money."

"_Fufufufu_, I'm not interested in money, Naruto-kun!"

"The-Then?"

"For a wish to be granted, something of equal value must be given, a kind of equivalent exchange if you will. For some people, it could be a piece of their souls. Others --- something else entirely. Of course, an important rule of thumb should always be considered when it comes to payment..."

Naruto was hanging onto every enigmatic last word she spoke. He could not understand it, but Yuuko's words had awoken some kind desperation in him, a subconscious desire he had been suppressing for some time only to be awakened now. She was presenting to him a solution, but a solution to what?

"Proper compensation must be made for offered goods or services. One must not offer too much for payment. One must not charge too much for the product. Reasonable... Equitable... And most certainly: Fair. If it isn't, my dear, _someone _gets hurt."

"R-Right..."

"So, what's your wish, Naruto-kun?"

Well, he had come this far --- might as well tell her what's on his mind. "My wish... I wish to be --- I want to be happy, Yuuko-san!"

"Oh? Happiness? _Fufufu_, I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific than that, Naruto-kun."

"H-Huh? Spe-cific?"

"There's many ways to attain happiness: some good, some bad, and some that don't care for either right or wrong. How do you want your happiness, Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Well, I --- I don't really know."

"Let's talk then. What would be the _perfect _life for you, Na-ru-to-kun?"

* * *

And so they talked and argued, a debate that no doubt fulfilled Dog's little prophecy, considering they did not get done until the eve of dusk. The sky had morphed from blue, decorated with clouds of white, to a broad spectrum of yellow, orange, and reddish-brown. Oddly enough, he even had lunch there as a bowl of his favorite_ miso ramen_ topped with fried eggs, _naruto_, seaweed, and kimchi, just so happened to mysteriously appear out of nowhere in a delivery box. Naruto had no idea how it got there, but at Yuuko's beckoning, was more than happy to chow down, while continuing their debate.

At the end of it, they finally managed to come to a number of logical needs as to how to satisfy his wish:

1. Naruto wanted to be acknowledged for the content of his character.

2. Naruto wanted the power to change things, that is, to make the impossible possible, and to protect what was precious to him.

3. Naruto wanted friends.

4. Naruto wanted a family.

5. Naruto wanted to be loved.

"And how would you go about accomplishing this, Naruto-kun?" Yuuko asked him in regal tones. Her method of answering his questions with another leading question was something he picked up on extraordinarily fast. Then again, she was a rather astoundingly patient woman, and yet strangely whimsical at the same time with her frequent girlish outbursts that shattered her "adult" image entirely when he caught on to something big. Never before in his life had he met someone quite like her.

Naruto put his thinking cap on once more, his expression scrunching into a thoughtful scowl that made him look like a fox, not that he realized this of course:

"Hmm..."

"It's a tough question, isn't it?"

"Well, what if I become Hokage? Won't that do it? I'll be really, really powerful, so I can change things and make things right. All the villagers and _shinobi_ will have to acknowledge me. I'll have everything I want and more."

"Only if you become a tyrant, Naruto-kun."

"W-Wha? A **tyrant**?"

"_Fufufu_, Sarutobi Hokage-sama is not as powerful as you think. He is a prisoner in his own village, a guard dog if you will, collared and shackled by the laws and authority of the Village Council, and the political support of the noble families. Not only that, he's a dog to the Fire Country's _daimiyo_ lord to the very least, if not more so to the other lords and ladies of the Elemental Countries."

Naruto bristled in denial, "That --- that can't be true!"

"Then why didn't Hokage-sama take you in, Naruto-kun? Why did he leave you to fend for yourself on a minimum allowance and just the minimum of protection, so you could simply --- _survive_?"

"But --- but there must be a good reason!"

"But does it make it right? Think about what you've been through, Dear Naruto-kun. Would you want anyone else to go through the same pain as you have, if not worse?"

"N-No...never. Never again."

"So what will you do, Na-ru-to-kun?"

"C-Can't you tell me what I should do, Yuuko-_nee_san?"

Yuuko giggled mysteriously with an eerie gleam in her eyes that set his teeth on edge. Now, he was not so sure about sitting down to talk with her after all. "Naruto-kun, I can't tell you what to do. You are your own person, and that's the sort of thing you have to figure out for yourself..."

"_H-Hai_..."

"...but I can advise you on some options, that is, if it is **freedom** that you truly desire?"

"Freedom?"

"Because without freedom, you will never be able to accomplish any of which you desire, Naruto-kun. When you grow older, you may finally be able to delude yourself to some sense of content, having ran the rat race, and earned your own upkeep. A small circle of friends and perhaps even a family. But, do you not think you deserve better? Do you not want to change the world itself?"

"H-How could I do that? I'm just --- I'm...just Naruto, a nobody."

"Then why not become somebody then?"

"Eh?"

"_Fufufu_, Naruto-kun, have you ever heard the legend of '_The Kage of Kage_'?"

"The Kage of _Kage_?"

"Back before the time of Hidden Villages, when _shinobi_ and _samurai_ alike still roamed the land, and the Elemental Countries warred openly with one another for supremacy, this was the era of the Warring States. It was a terrible time of much upheaval and strife. There was no peace in the land and no end to the blood shed in sight. Yet even then, there existed a story of a folk hero called the Kage of _Kage_."

"A folk hero?"

"A hero for the people, if you will; someone everybody talked about in every village and city; and someone that the people prayed for on a daily basis. They were looking for a savior: someone to return peace to the land and quell the savageness of the human heart that had brought so much misery and death to all. And surely enough, one day their prayers were answered."

"Cool! So who was this Kage of _Kage_-person? Were they really strong and stuff?"

"No one knows who this Kage really was, could have been a man, a woman, or even a child. But the Kage was said to be able to move nations and people from the shadows, never to be seen, and never to be known that his or her hand ever played a part in the matter. It was with this power that he or she ultimately brought the wars to an end and instated the present system of Hidden Villages and so forth."

"Huh? How did they do that? Heck, how did the people even know it was the Kage who did it?"

"Because a war that had been going on for centuries, ended in a single night."

"...WHAT?"

"Uh-hnnn, it's the truth, you know."

"_Etou_, what happened to the Kage finally?"

"_Fufufu_, didn't I say he or she was never seen and never known?"

"EH!"

"But I think it's safe to say that he or she was _free_, Naruto-kun. After all, just think what would've happened if people knew who he or she really was? Where they lived? Who their friends and loved ones are?"

"...it wouldn't be good now, would it?"

"Human beings are fallible creatures, Naruto-kun," Yuuko told him sagely, "but should you choose this path, you may just able to get what you want. In the very least, you'll be free from Konoha, free to travel the world wherever you please, and free to make your mark as you wish. _Home _is simply where your heart is, a place where you will be welcomed, and a place where people will be waiting for your return. You can even choose to make '_Home_' here in Konoha, and it will not be something you will regret because you were not forced to do so, as you had plenty of other choices with the freedom you had earned."

"Hmm..."

"So what will you do, Uzumaki Naruto?"

"_YOSHAA_! I've decided!"

* * *

Consummating the contract between them was astonishingly easy: quite literally a pinky promise. He swore proudly that in five years time he would return to Yuuko's shop, having mastered all the techniques and lessons provided therein in the rather thick book she had "loaned" to him, and uphold his end of the bargain. Granted, he did not understand exactly what she meant by his end of the bargain, as Naruto was still confused as how he was supposed to pay for his wish. The raven-haired woman assured him, nonetheless, not to worry about the payment.

Happiness was something that took time, and it would be a long-term investment; one that she would look forward to reaping when the time was right. For now, Yuuko simply gave him some quick instruction as to how to use "The Book," an ancient leather-bound manuscript that emanated a sense of great power and knowledge, and extracted another solemn oath that he would be a good boy and not share this book with anyone. The Book was for his eyes only, not that it would let just anybody read it in the first place.

"Oh, and one last thing, Naruto-kun," Yuuko held up a finger in warning, "Whatever you do, never --- ever kill anyone or anything for that matter, be it great or small."

Naruto blinked. Was she serious? "You mean --- not even an ant?"

"Yes, not even an ant, Naruto-kun."

"But why, Yuuko-_onee_san?"

"Because if you do, you will be held responsible for that murder, a crime you commited of your own volition, and you will take on that impossible burden upon your shoulders."

"B-Burden?"

"Yes, and it's heavy! Heavy enough to nearly crush your very life."

"Wha-What could-?"

"The world is much more than just what your eyes and ears can perceive, Naruto-kun. And, oh, there are quite a variety of --- _things_, and those who know of **them** would never take a life; nothing will ever make up for it. It will be a sin you will carry with you for the rest of your life. Unless, of course, you wish to pay for your sins?"

"Huh?"

Yuuko giggled, ruffling his blonde hair affectionately, as she escorted him to the front gate, "But enough about that. I'll teach you about those other troublesome things when you're older, handsome!"

And with those parting words, Naruto whipped around only to find the ethereal woman gone, but not only that, her entire estate had gone missing. All that remained was an empty plot of land, and just for a second, he wondered if he had gone mad, that his entire encounter with Yuuko Ichihara was some kind of sick delusion of his bored mind. However, a familiar weight in his arms reminded him otherwise, and as he gazed at its burnt cover, a title began to appear in golden letters, one that made his blue eyes perceptibly widen in shock:

"_The **Dobe**_'_s Guide to **Nindo**_: Guaranteed to turn any no talent, Number One Unpredictable Ninja, loser into a Genius of all affairs (or your money back guaranteed)! It's so easy, even a Naruto can do it!"

Silence.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

In record memory, that day was also the first time he ever swore in his life, and it would not be the last either. Why this was just the beginning. And there was a long, long road ahead of him...

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 1 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. And just to warn you all, there will be some Japanese in this story. No, it's not necessary to understand the Japanese as I usually use them in a context sensitive manner. If you understand it, more power to you, but I'm not going to go the extra mile to translate that stuff. Why? Because it's more work, and it's troublesome. Besides, wouldn't you rather have me spending more time writing than having to cater to every single last gripe about some foreign words?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 02:

The Gap of Five Years

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

However, a familiar weight in his arms reminded him otherwise, and as he gazed at its burnt cover, a title began to appear in golden letters, one that made his blue eyes perceptibly widen in shock:

"_The **Dobe**_'_s Guide to **Nindo**_: Guaranteed to turn any no talent, Number One Unpredictable Ninja, loser into a Genius of all affairs (or your money back guaranteed)! It's so easy, even a Naruto can do it!"

Silence.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

In record memory, that day was also the first time he ever swore in his life, and it would not be the last either. Why this was just the beginning. And there was a long, long road ahead of him...

* * *

At first, he was completely reluctant to even read the book. The stupid bundle of paper had made fun of him right off the bat in its title, and Naruto had to wonder if Yuuko had somehow tricked. Alas, this was not even her trying to be devious! He would learn first hand later on down the road just how friggin' nasty Yuuko Ichihara could get if she put her mind to a prank.

Anyways, Old Man Sarutobi showed up a little bit later that day, dropped a whole big moving speech on him, and Naruto of course happily obliged him by accepting his offer. From this day forth, he would set out to join Konoha's _shinobi_, but it was also the first time, he ever lied to anybody either. The funny thing is, he did it subconsciously too, as if he were protecting himself. He told Sandaime that he was going to do it so that he could become Hokage some day and so everybody would have to acknowledge, and most surely, see what a great person he was!

Meh, talk about a lame lie, but the old man took it hook line and sinker. What, with the sincerity and enthusiasm he put into it as a youth, there was no way anyone could have suspected otherwise. Then again, this brief moment of almost filial disobedience came to bite him the butt soon enough:

First stop, the Genin Ninja Academy.

This was the place he would be spending the next five years studying and training to become qualified as the most basic of _shinobi_: a Genin, the most common of ninja. The food for cannon fodder. The humble footman who would happily march off to battle and die gloriously in the name of his hidden village!

What a load of BS.

That place --- SUCKED. The kids there thought he was a freaking idiot. The Chunin teachers would not give him the time of day, giving him dirty, superior looks, and generally forcing the impression down his throat that he was wanted and to pretty much bugger the hell off. This perceived disrespect by his teachers only reinforced his peers' views, and so he went from an idiot to a loser.

Between perceived ignorance and subtle --- and occasionally not-so-subtle --- discrimination, it was only thanks to "The Book" and the promise that went along with it that Naruto did not give up hope. It would have been easy to slack off, change his wardrobe to orange, and become the village's Number One Jackass, spending his days goofing off and pulling pranks for attention. All the while, he would be accomplishing just the bare minimum in his studies and training, all thanks to those bigots at the Ninja Academy holding him back.

Pissed off and determined to show the world up, Naruto threw himself whole hog into the brand spanking new pages of "The Book." He dedicated every single moment to studying and training. Heck, even when he was down at Ichiraku Ramen, the blonde-haired boy had his face in the book while discreetly sneaking in bites from his ramen, so as to splatter all the wonderful _miso_ flavored goodiness upon its pristine pages. As its titled implied, "The Book" was a premiere easy-to-understand that taught everything the Ninja Academy had to offer --- and then some. It was so easy that Naruto often wondered if it had been written just for him.

For every question he had in class, "The Book" already had the answer to it. If there was some additional topic he did not understand or some brand new question he came up on the spur of the moment, all he had to do was a send a letter to the "FAQ Hotline," and the very next day, they would send an engrossing intelligent reply right back to him. Naruto professed that his prized possession was virtually idiot proof because if he could learn from it, then anybody could be self-taught with some pain and discipline.

Oh Buddha: Pain. And. Discipline.

He would never forget that phrase for he spent many an hour, an infinite amount of labor slaving away upon his mind, body, and spirit. While most other kids were busy having fun and such, Naruto was putting himself through hell, day in and day out. Every day was almost practically a war with his own body. There was hardly any time at all to go find any friends, and besides, why would he want to be friends with such superficial brats anyway?

Of course, there was a lot more to being a _shinobi_ than having butt-kicking _taijutsu_, super awesome _ninjutsu_ that made people go "boom!", swinging a BAD-MOTHA-SHUT-YO-MOUTH sword, battle tactics, and such. The Book instructed him extensively in world history, politics, basic sciences, philosophy, meditation, and of course, the dreaded domestic arts. History and Basic Sciences was not too bad as Naruto loved to learn more about the world around him, different countries, the different ways people worked and lived, and of course, how metal and water was conductive to electricity. It would not be smart to use a _raiton_ ninja art around those things, unless he was pretty darn sure he had a good plan and how to execute it too.

On the other hand, politics and philosophy just made him scratch his head, but he bared with it and tried his best to learn. How did knowing, "Cogito Ergo Sum," or how Lord Makoto Shishio was assassinated in Meiji 192 supposed to help him anyway? Granted, it could not hurt, but he had a lot more fun learning Zen and how to meditate, as that could actually be useful in battle, or when he needed to relaxed.

Domestic Arts --- SUCKED. Why the hell did he have to learn gardening, flower arrangement, the art of the tea ceremony, how to cook, how to balance a check book, the art of fashion, the art of swearing, how to appreciate art, the art of calligraphy, the art of sports, how to woo the fairer sex, the appreciation of poetry and other literary arts, drama and the theater... Holy Zen, the freaking list just went on and on!

But he learned it all anyway, and looking back, it was probably for the better, as knowing these day to day domestic things imparted a dramatic improvement in his lifestyle. Naruto became distinctively aware of his shabby state and embarked upon a gradual self-improvement program, making note to put it to work --- stealthily. Hey, the Old Man may have been forced to essentially put him in an apartment in the middle of the slums, but it did not mean he had to be gutter trash himself too. He would sooner perish than take it in the butt like some sycophant loser.

And so with great pains, Naruto began to save whatever he could from his meager monthly stipend and invest it into his apartment as well as himself. It was a long and lengthy process, as he had no extra income, and he dared not to impose himself upon the hospitality of Ichiraku Ramen for a part-time job. The blonde-haired boy was eternally grateful to the father and daughter who ran that blessed ramen stand, allowing him the village pariah to eat there, despite the risk of whatever horrible repercussions.

He would never forgive himself if anything happened to those two, and if anybody dared to lay a finger on them...

...well, not even Buddha would be able to save their miserable souls.

* * *

Five years passed uneventfully, but on this particular morning, Naruto remembered distinctly that he just could not help but admire his domain, oh how far he had come. He still lived in the crappy part of town, in the same subsidized apartment that the Village Council had so graciously provided for him (pshhh, yeah right!), but hey, looks could be deceiving. Only a good ninja would be "to see underneath the underneath" and Naruto professed he was a prime example of that very philosophy.

Besides, as far as he was concerned, he had the best scenic view in town!

The apartment still looked like trash on the outside, but on the inside, he had practically renovated the place himself into a humble bachelor's pad. He had fixed all the plumbing and wiring, not to mention the furniture and whatever electrical appliances he technically owned. The walls now had a fresh coat of paint, the apartment sparkling clean and organized, looking like it was brand new. Gone was his garish wardrobe of hand-me-downs, which he had meticulously replaced with much more fashionable and serviceable clothes to fit his needs. Finally, Naruto had made sure that his doors and windows were reinforced to deter against most foul interlopers, as he seriously did not want some drunk bigot invading his abode and making a mess of things.

This was his place and no one else, and he would be damned if he let somebody take it away from him.

Examining himself in the mirror, Naruto could not help but shoot himself a cunning grin. No more was he that poor waif of a seven-year-old, lost in the world, and just trying to get by. With his extensive education, he had grown spectacularly despite his poor circumstances, thanks to the Book teaching him how to take care of himself, into a proud young man. He was a lean, mean _shinobi_-fighting machine, just as strong and tall as the other boys in his class, who presumably came from "better" homes.

Hell, Naruto had made the best of the poor hand he had been dealt, and he was damned proud to be one helluva piece. Even the Book was proud of him, surprisingly enough, as in the last lesson he read, the author had addressed him specifically and could not be more astonished that he made it this far. Standing here, tall and confident in his dark trousers, blue ninja shoes, white T-shirt, and black blazer, the blonde felt himself every bit to be the success story.

Why, he bragged that he even had a passing resemblance to the legendary Yondaime (fat chance of that happening)!

Of course, as soon as he got to --- bleh! --- school, all of his delusions of grandeur came crashing down roughly on his head thanks to one furious "Umino Iruka" and a mighty fifth-year textbook:

Whack!

"Ow! Holy Zen, that fa-!" Naruto swore only to be cut off by a second textbook bouncing of his cranium.

"STOP SLEEPING IN CLASS, UZUMAKI. NARUTO! When are you ever going to learn the error of your ways, young man? And to think you're going to be graduating tomorrow if you pass the final Genin Exam!"

Did he forget to mention that Iruka-sensei could scream like a banshee? Check.

The classroom was soon filled with the sounds of laughter and uproar at their seemingly comedic routine. It had been like this since the beginning of the year when "Mr. Dolphin" had arrived to take over from their former instructor who had finally been promoted to a _jounin_. Naruto swore that the scared man had it out for him, but in a way, it was nice to have somebody who actually paid attention to him. Albeit, Iruka's attention was not always wanted, and the blonde-haired boy soon found his reputation downgraded yet again: this time from loser to class clown, a never-do-well with a capital C.

Hell, Naruto would have preferred to have been promoted at least to "Nerd" status, but alas, he had to hold back. Always he had to hold back in front of everybody because he had a reputation to keep, a smokescreen to deter unwanted nosey people so to speak, and the blonde-haired boy knew better than to stick out, like a sore thumb. Besides, there's no way in hell he would want to trade places with that stuck up brat, Uchiha Sasuke, the last of the famed Uchiha Clan that was massacred some years back.

Being an orphan, Naruto supposed he could have empathized with Sasuke, but the guy's cold, aloof attitude completely turned him off. To this day, he still could not understand what anybody saw in the brat. The guy did not care about anybody at all, except for himself --- selfish bastard --- and yet all sorts of girls and people showered him with attention, treating him like an idol.

Pshah, whatever: Naruto was more than confident he would get his due some day, and he good feeling too that some day was coming up real soon. He could not wait for the graduation exam tomorrow. Once he got that out of the way, the blonde-haired boy would finally have a stable income, and with that money, he could start to really turn things around in his life. Just thinking about the home improvement projects he wanted to try, the new cuisines, and the brand new clothes and equipment he always wanted made him giddy with anticipation.

The school bell rang, eventually, and he was out in a flash through the open windows sooner than Iruka could try to sink his claws into him. There was no way Naruto was going to waste his afternoon in detention or some remedial lesson that he already understood. Once he was confident that the bloody academy was long gone behind, he gingerly pulled out a storage scroll from the inside pockets of his blazer, which he had sown in himself, and summoned up "The Book." The afternoon was very well spent indeed, as Naruto ambled along less traveled back roads through Konoha to avoid any unnecessary altercations with the locales while he studied the coveted final lesson, hoping that he may uncover some new _jutsu_ as a parting gift.

Unfortunately, the hyperactive _nin_ was rather disappointed to find that there was no such _jutsu _at all, instead he was treated a long "boring" lecture about what to expect for his final Genin Exam. The exam would be broken into three sections: a physical test, a written test, and finally a _ninjutsu_ test on some randomly chosen Academy-level art. Anything he had ever learned at the Ninja Academy could be tested on so it was wise to see the study guide outline on "Page 10235." Other than that, the author wished him good luck on his fine career to come and to purchase the second volume in this exciting self-study series when it was available in stores.

At the mention of a second volume, Naruto neatly froze on the spot. He could distinctly recall a wave of pure hot mortification burning through his veins that with a mighty cry of indignation, "SCREWWWWWWWWWWW YOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!", he tossed the infernal book into the air. So powerful was his cry that it frightened the nearby cats and dogs into hiding, while birds in the trees took flight en masse in a loud flutter of feathers.

Alas, the blasted thing came falling back right at him, and taking him by surprise, clocked him dead-on on the temple, sending him crumpling to the pavement in a heap of limbs. The street was deathly quiet as Naruto scowled and fumed, glaring angrily at the blue skies above, dancing with the white clouds. Just when he thought he had finally learned everything, the world had to go screw him over, did it not?

And one more thing...

"_KORA_! How much longer are you going to keep following me, dammit?" roared the blonde-haired boy. Angrily kick flipping up to a standing position, bending low to scoop up The Book in the same motion, he whirled about and tossed the impromptu at a nearby telephone poll. With startling power, his self-study guide smashed into the wooden post, sending splinters flying, as he put a sizeable dent into its body.

What he did not expect to hear was a girl's timid, frightful scream about a split second later, as his stalker came tumbling out from behind the telephone poll in a shaking bundle. Now, Naruto just felt like a complete jerk, which made him feel even worse. He was tempted to just grab The Book and get the hell out of dodge before anyone was the wiser, but leaving a girl in tears like that did not quite sit right with him either. Thus, he opted to see if he calm his poor victim down, apologize, and all that good trash before making himself scarce.

The girl was apologizing profusely in a shaken mess: about his age, dark bluish-purple hair cut short --- that oddly resembled a duck's butt, and pale skin. She was awfully familiar looking, but he could not put his finger on it, not until he managed to calm her down and get her back up on her feet. When those distinctive pupil-less white eyes stared up at him, Naruto could scarcely contain the seething gasp that escaped his lips.

Hinata Hyuuga.

The "princess" of Konoha's biggest noble family, the Hyuuga Clan, known for their distinctive bloodline limit, the Byakugan, and their "Gentle Fist" fighting style that was designed to exploit their bloodline limit to its fullest. What in Buddha's name was she doing here stalking _him_ of all people? Hell, he did not even want to know why she was stalking! What he wanted to know was she trying to get him killed or something?

"AH-hahahaha! I-If it isn't Hyuuga-sama, ehehehe, you're not hurt --- right?"

Hinata shuddered with a wounded look that practically guaranteed his doom. If anything it only drove Naruto harder in an effort to assuage whatever ill-feelings she was cultivating against him. He really did not want to have an army's worth of Hyuuga's chasing him down because he so happened to frighten the wits out of their heiress; never mind the fact she was the one stalking him in the first place!

"HA-ha! Um, s-sorry, I'm really sorry about tossing that book at you, Hyuuga-sama! I was angry, you see, wasn't thinking and --- well, uhhh, you know, it was an accident, Didn't mean to lash out at you, eh? Uhh-ehehehe..."

His explanation, apparently, had the opposite effect, as Hinata was slowly backing away from him, her quivering opal eyes on the verge of shedding tears yet again. Naruto was getting desperate. It was do or die time, and if this did not work, he did not know what will. In a flash of instinct, he reached out and clasped one of her hands with his own, capturing her before she had a chance to flee.

The shock was enough to break whatever spell that had seized her voice, "_A-Anou_?"

"H-Hey, Hyu-Hyuuga-sama, how about this? How about I treat you to lunch --- and we call it even, please? Pretty please?"

That's right: his bright idea was to treat "Hyuuga Hinata" to lunch, and hopefully, she would not petition for him to be executed outright for his perceived bold insolence.

* * *

With the gift of hindsight, Naruto realized that he probably had nothing to fear at all from the Hyuuga heiress. She practically blushed brighter than the sun and swooned dead away into a faint when he bespoke of his proposal. The girl really was odd, but he was more than happy to drop her discreetly off at the boundary of the Hyuuga Clan district, before making his getaway good. Only Buddha would know what a spectacle it would raise among the villagers to see the village pariah taking the daughter of one of the village's great _shinobi _families out to lunch.

Anyways, with that crisis settled, he figured he might as well head on home and hide out there for the rest of day. Dealing with Hinata was way too stressful for his liking. Alas, he never did make it home that day, as a sense of deja vu suddenly overcame him. Naruto diverted himself subconsciously away from the back paths he usually took through urban jungle, cutting across downtown to head back to the slums as fast as possible. Instead, he was on a scenic heading towards the suburbs, and ultimately, the crossroads between the good side and bad side of Konoha.

When he turned the corner, the blonde-haired boy caught sight of an eerily familiar black fence. He could not put his finger where or when he had seen it, but Naruto was certain he must have been there in the past. His curiosity spurring him onwards, brushing his hand against the smooth glossy surface of the wood that was strangely soothing to his frayed nerves: he was so lost in the moment that before he knew it, he found himself inside lounging on the veranda.

Strong feelings of nostalgia clouded his senses, as he breathed in the salutary air of the garden, not really caring whose mansion he had just intruded upon beyond the black fence. Besides, there was not even a gate to bar him entrance, save for black posts adorned with sickle moons where the gate should have been. If the owner of this mansion did not want people intruding in, then they should have at least put up a proper gate in the first place.

"Look, Maru!"

"Look, Moro!"

"Ah! Look, a visitor!" a pair of voices cried out happily in unison, snapping Naruto out of his reverie.

On instinct, he threw himself forwards off the veranda, pushing off the ground with both hands, twisted himself about in the middle of his cartwheel to land in an offensive posture, ready for fight or flight. The blonde-haired boy fully expected a fight, but what he got instead was a round of applause. When he saw who was clapping for him, it made him scratch his head even more in bewilderment.

Twins.

They were twin girls, with elfin faces and glowing smiles that reached their eager eyes, probably right around his age too, and fair porcelain skin. In fact, they were nearly identical save for three key differences. The twin on the left had seriously, seriously _fluffy _pale silvery-blue hair, the same color as her eyes, and it was really long, so long that she had her hair up in two partially braided ponytails, which somehow managed to not unravel completely. Her clothes, a velvety black and plain white, had a noticeably devilish slant, with sharp angular "batty" cuts on the trim, not to mention little bat wings on her coat; oh, and the black socks.

On the other hand, the other twin on the right had super curvy pink hair (which was interestingly the same color as her eyes too), reaching down almost to her shoulders, that framed her face. In fact, it was so curvy that some of her hair curved all the way into a pair of small buns, and what she wore for clothes was decidedly angelic. A pure white dress with puffy shoulders, tiny feather white wings on the back, a soft trim, and a red ribbon tied into a bow around her waist. For some reason, her skirt was a little bit short in the front, so it was easy to see the white bloomers she wore poking out...white socks...not that he had a problem with bloomers.

"Um, who are you two?" Naruto asked sheepishly, caught stupefied by the occasion.

"I'm Maru!" answered the Devil Twin.

"I'm Moro!" answered the Angel Twin.

"Together, we're Maru-_dashi_ and Moro-_dashi_, isn't it cute?" they chirped together in a sing-a-song tone of voice that frankly gave him the creeps.

Naruto sweatdropped. "_Streaking_" and "_Flashing_"? How are those cute names for girls?

"Um, I'm, er, sorry. I just kinda walked in here on my own, so --- um, if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving now, 'kay?"

"Uwaaaaaa! Don't leave, Naruto-kun!"

"Yes; please, don't leave, Naruto-kun!"

"H-HUH? How --- How did you two know my name?"

"Because we've been expecting you, Uzumaki. Naruto," a woman's voice called out to him.

A pair of arms embracing him from behind...

"The Shop of Wishes welcomes you..."

A memory bubbling up to the surface...

"Do you remember your wish, the Vessel of _Kyuubi_ _no_ _Kitsune_?"

The nostalgic scent of fall intertwined with the ephemeral sweetness of butterflies, and the words of the ethereal Lady...

"Ichihara...Yuuko...an assumed name. Yuuko-_onee_san?"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 2 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Oh, and thanks for the reviews, and I assure you that this is not going to be your average Naruto fic.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 03:

Becoming a Genin

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"The Shop of Wishes welcomes you..."

A memory bubbling up to the surface...

"Do you remember your wish, the Vessel of _Kyuubi_ _no_ _Kitsune_?"

The nostalgic scent of fall intertwined with the ephemeral sweetness of butterflies, and the words of the ethereal Lady...

"Ichihara...Yuuko...an assumed name. Yuuko-_onee_san?" Naruto breathed, his last words of disbelief before everything fell away.

Black.

* * *

When he came too suddenly, the sun was shining in his face, the alarm clock was blaring in his ear, and all was right with the world for once. The problem was, it was too perfect. That morning, Naruto could recall feeling that he just could not shake the eerie feeling that today was going to be a really crappy day, and it did not help that he had a brain frying headache for some reason. His temple was throbbing so hard that he was tempted to take his "battle worn" alarm clock, with its many dings and dents, and smash it against his forehead just to knock himself out cold.

It was as if his body was trying to get him to remember something, but what could it be?

"Uzumaki Naruto: I'm sorry --- but YOU FAIL! I can't allow a student who can't even perform a basic _bunshin_ to become..." Iruka lectured him with indignant fury, before he was cut off.

"Well, screw you too," grunted Naruto nonchalantly, not even caring to see the man's reaction to his blatant insolence, as he left the classroom. The guy was an awfully anal prick anyway. He had bigger fish to fry, like this blasted headache that would not go away. Besides, he could always retake the exam next year. The _bushin_ art was easy, and he had done it right plenty of times before on his own, so what if he failed it today?

Though judging by the rapture of furious shouting that erupted in his wake from Iruka-sensei, while the other examiner tried to hold the enraged ninja back, it would probably be a good idea to get the hell out of dodge.

Walking out the front door into the schoolyard, it was times like these that he regretted his last name. All of his classmates were out here in one big freaking happy family gathering: moms, dads, brothers, sisters, grandparents, and you name it. The gravity of his failure to pass the Genin Exam did not hit him until now, walking through the throng as the only one who did not pass in his class. Adding insult to injury, he could hear some of the mothers gossiping that they were glad **he**, in particular, did not pass. It was the same old deal, but for some reason, it hurt more now than ever.

So, he stopped by home, popped some aspirin out of the medicine cabinet, and decided to go somewhere to puzzle just what the heck was going. His destination was to his favorite spot, the Hokage Monument. Other than his apartment rooftop, he felt this place had the best view in all of Konoha. The lay of the "village," more like a small city to be honest, was all before him: a prison he hoped to one day...

_"Do you remember your wish, the Vessel of Kyuubi no Kitsune?"_

...escape.

Naruto gaped at this shocking train of thought, his blue eyes wide with wonder as the wind whispered by, sending the leaves and branches of the trees near by a flutter. Where the heck did that come from? And that voice...was his mind playing tricks on him? Why would he want to escape from Konoha? Was not becoming Hokage his dream?

Suddenly, something akin to a spark ignited in his thoughts, sending a sharp spike of pain through his temple that floored him on his back. The ground was hardly forgiving, and he knew it was going to be a pain to wash the dirt out of his clothes later, but man, did his head hurt! It felt like he was trying to remember something, but what? What could it be?

_"Do you remember your wish, the Vessel of Kyuubi no Kitsune?"_

Again, it was that voice... Wait a second...

_"Do you remember your wish, the Vessel of Kyuubi no Kitsune?"_

The Vessel of _Kyuubi no Kitsune_? What?

"Yo, Naruto-kun!" a man's voice unexpectedly called to him.

The intrusion was enough to snap him out of his reverie, killing the thought before he had a chance to finish. Disappointed, his expression curling into a frown; he hardly bothered to acknowledge the _chunin_ who had approached him, the man's shadow soon befalling him. Naruto vaguely recognized the fellow as a "Mizuki-sensei," the other examiner present at the Genin Exam, who had been trying to hold back Iruka-sensei when he pissed the scarred man off.

He never did like Mizuki the few times he had seen the _nin_, mostly because he had seen right through the fellow's plastic smiles. Of course, they were meant to be genuine, but Naruto knew better than that, after all, **he** was the king of smiles; today, however, Mizuki appeared to have acquired a --- _new _--- friend. The very sight of the **thing **froze the blonde-haired boy in his place, while the false man commiserated about something or another. It was an abominable black creature, kind of like a slug, coiled all around Mizuki's body, as big as a man; in fact, the term "grafted" was probably more accurate of how it appeared to have infested the _chunin_.

A vile, odorous miasma tinged visibly with purple oozed off its porous body, while its many eyes on the end of little tendrils fixed Naruto with a stony stare. The blonde-haired boy was tempted to point its presence out, but considering Mizuki acted like it was not even there, he decided to keep his mouth shut and bear with it. If the _chunin_ could not see it, then he obviously must not have seen it either, right?

So Naruto kept his peace, and eventually, he gathered from Mizuki an alternative method of passing the Genin Exam: that is, to infiltrate the Hokage Tower and steal the Forbidden Scroll. He would then have to bring the scroll to Mizuki as proof, and all would be well. Now, Naruto realized he was not the smartest cookie in the jar, but a genius of hard work he was, and with that hard work came a hefty plate of maturity too. The Book had taught him well, and right now, all the obvious danger signs were there.

Mizuki was trying to manipulate him into some plot. After all, Naruto knew he was always advertising about his dream to be Hokage some day, but did that man seriously expect a mere academy student to infiltrate the Hokage Tower and walk away with such a precious item? Something big was going on here, and if he was not mistaken, he smelled a big opportunity. Maybe there was an alternate way to pass the Genin Exam, after all. In fact, Mizuki was going to be so kind as to provide him the basic materials he would need to succeed. So how about it?

Naruto grinned, hardly noticing the unnerved tick in the _chunin_'s brow --- because at that moment, he eerily resembled a fox:

"Sure, I'm game for it, Mizuki-sensei!"

* * *

Night fell and he carried out the operation to its fullest. What would have taken ordinary _shinobi_ weeks to plan, Naruto pulled it off all in a couple of hours. In a way, it seemed he had been rehearsing for such a situation all of his life, thanks to the knowledge imparted to him from The Book. Granted, he was also no ordinary ninja for in Naruto's heart, he was extraordinary.

The intelligence Mizuki provided was gravely detailed. Judging by the quality of his work, the treacherous _chunin_ had been planning out the theft of the Forbidden Scroll for quite some time, but thanks to him, it made the job all the easier. By the time Naruto was done, he had the scroll in his possession and even a little something _extra _that had caught his eye, and nobody was the wiser. All those years of running live simulations disguised as pranks had finally paid off, and he was running well ahead of schedule.

Surveying the tree line around the secluded shack beyond the village's walls, Naruto deduced that Mizuki had yet to arrive and he had plenty of time to carry out his own grand scheme. It was innocent, really, as he was just going to copy down some handy techniques from the Forbidden Scroll into The Book and put them to use himself. All was fair in love and war, right? Thing is, what he did not expect was for the unexpected to happen right in his lap.

Suddenly, The Book came to life with a canine growl, sprouting fangs, arms, legs, and even a tail. For the first time in his life, Naruto screamed like a little girl in fright, dropping the pen he had in hand, and scampered away on all fours. He could only watch with grim fascination as the transfigured book devoured his pen with one massive bite, before turning on the Forbidden Scroll, which he had laid out on the ground to copy its contents, and attacking the scroll viciously, like a ravenous wolf.

In a matter of minutes, the once huge scroll that was nearly as tall as him was no more, but instead his book had virtually quadrupled in size! The dog-like thing gave a hearty burp before happily trotting over to him, its tongue lolling out of its so-called mouth, and sat down. The Book proceeded to plead with him, making some rather earnest noises, as if it were begging for his approval.

Quite frankly, Naruto was now more confused than frightened. He did not know if this was a dream or not, but he figured he might as well go with the flow and see what happened. Besides, it was not as if The Book was attacking him, so how could it hurt to pat it on the "head" and give it some words of encouragement:

"_YOOSHA_! Good boy, good boy! Aren't you a smart book? Yes, you are-_dattebayo_!"

His encouraging words, apparently, did the trick because after having done that The Book woof-woof'ed at him happily, before reverting back to its original form in a rather eerie transformation. Naruto noted, much to his chagrin, that The Book had not gotten any smaller and had acquired an additional annotation to its lengthy title. His most prized possession had grown into the "XIII Edition," and now possessed brand new exciting lessons for him to learn (so said the newly written disclaimer)! The author could only hope that Naruto was ready for the vast knowledge that would take at least ten years to get through, and there probably was not near enough time for him to master it all, sadly.

Still, would he not take up the challenge?

Naruto sighed, and grudgingly turned a new page, "Just when I thought I knew everything in this world, something new comes along. Let's see: Lesson One --- _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ and the Operation of the Nidaime Hokage's _Raijin_, the Sword of Lightning."

What THE-? H-How the... How did The Book know he had "borrowed" the Raijin too?

And to his growing horror and fascination, as he turned the page, The Book answered him no less in fresh writing that seemed to appear right before his very stricken eyes:

"Of course, I know. I know everything about you, Uzumaki Naruto --- My Master, Lord of the _Kyuubi no Kitsune_."

* * *

Preparing his "surprise" for Mizuki took up all the remaining time he had left to himself. Naruto suspected that the man had grossly underestimated him, and would no doubt give him some big villainous speech, before attempting to take the Forbidden Scroll from him. Of course, now that he had a chance to reflect, the hyperactive "prankster" realized he had two big problems to deal with: 1. He had to devise a copy of the Forbidden Scroll that would eventually be returned back to the archives in the triumph of his good deed. 2. He also had to devise a copy of the Raijin too.

Both tasks seemed insurmountable, but when push came to shove, Naruto knew of something he could always consult when things got too complicated for brute force and heart. Granted, with the time constraints, he would not be able to send a letter to the FAQ hotline, but if what The Book just said to him several moments before was true, that it knew him inside out, then it should damn well already be expecting this question.

Much to his chagrin, Naruto's question was answered as soon as he opened The Book he was directed to exactly what he needed: _Kyouzou no Jutsu_, or the Mirror Image Art. Try to explain the theory behind it would take up too much time, but in short, this forbidden ninja art would allow him to "trace" perfect replications of anything he should so desire, as long as he had the real thing in front of him. Of course, the product would be of lesser quality than the real thing and would eventually decay into nothingness, yet for his purposes this would do just fine.

After all, who was going to believe him that a book "ate" the Forbidden Scroll?

"Well, there is one person I know of who would think it quite common place, My Master, but isn't it more funny that your headaches seem to have subsided since you took on this personal vendetta?" The Book wrote to him suddenly, jarring him out of his private musings.

Suspecting that The Book may just be able to read his thoughts, Naruto figured it might be wise to treat it with a little more respect. For starters, he would have to give it a name, and then decide whether it should be a boy or a girl. What to pick though? And just why did his headaches go away anyway? Oh, whatever; he'll deal with that later, but first --- The Book.

"Whatever is fine, My Master. But please, do hurry; it will not be long until that traitor, Mizuki, arrives, I suspect."

"Yeah, yeah, keep your pages dry. This takes time, you know!" he replied aloud after reading The Book's words. Man, I must really be crazy to be talking to a book!

"I think you are in perfect health, My Master."

"Thanks... Hmmm, I know: Shion! Shion's a perfect name!"

"Shion?"

"You should know what I'm thinking of, don't you?"

"I would rather hear it from you, My Master."

"So you CAN read my mind!"

"Such is our relationship and the fruits of your _Awakening_."

"Huh? _Awakening_? Mine?"

"Do not worry for all will be explained by That Woman in due time, but for now... Please, My Master, why '_Shion_'?"

"Oh, man, that settles it. You're definitely a girl!"

"I? A female?"

"Yeah, and it's Shion because the characters I picked mean, '_the kindness of a teacher_'! Isn't that SO COOL? _Ne-ne_, ain't it?" Naruto declared proudly with a smile; never mind that he was talking to a book. It was not as if he ever made any friends, so why bother pretending to be normal? "Do you like it, Shion?"

"I had another name before this --- how nostalgic, but --- I believe this shall suit me just as well. Understood. Recalibrating the registry, stand-by...job complete. Unit Designation: **Shion** --- registered," Shion wrote back, her words appearing now in a noticeable delicate feminine scrawl, compared to the simplistic uniform text he had seen in the past from The Book.

"_YOOSHA_! All right, let's get this show on the road!"

* * *

Everything was ready. The copies were in place. The trap was set. And now came the worst part:

Anticipation.

Naruto hated waiting, especially now that he had something of a friend in his most prized possession. Yes, clearly something must have been wrong with him to befriend a book of all things, but hey, it was a sentient book! That counted at least as good as person, right?

Alas, he had to put Shion away back into her storage scroll lest something terrible happen to her should their plans go awry. But no worries, of course, Naruto was utterly confident in his planning and his fighting abilities, if it came down to a fight. He had a perfect vantage of his double, feigning fatigue beside the abandoned shack, from where he sat camouflaged up in the trees with the aid of his dark clothing. The only question was:

"Where the hell is that bastard, Mizuki, dammit? At this rate, I'm going to get bored to death waiting for his...ah!"

At last somebody showed up! Hallelujah! Praise the Buddha! ...But, it was not someone Naruto was expecting at all.

"Na-RU-TO! What the. HELL. do you think you're doing?" the familiar furious sight of Iruka-sensei greeted his double below.

The blonde-haired boy nearly screamed aloud in frustration, but wisely held his peace. He had not been expecting this to happen, a completely unknown variable in the form of Iruka had not been taken account in his plans at all. The man's presence here had some rather disturbing insinuations. There was no way Iruka could be a traitor to the village too, could he? Nah! Not a chance; the man absolutely loved his job for better or worse, so what the hell WAS he doing here for?

Whatever; sorry, Iruka-sensei, but you're going to have to stay for the show too. After all, this is my first big chance to prove myself to those idiots in Konoha! thought Naruto determinedly, as he sent a sliver of chakra to his _kagebunshin_.

It was time to begin the drama.

Naturally, Naruto-2 perfectly acted out a kind of childish naivety, pouting that he had been caught after learning only one technique from the Forbidden Scroll. This notably perturbed Iruka who grew more alarmed when the boy told him that if he could perform that awesome technique he had learned from the scroll, Iruka would let him graduate, would he not? Naturally, the _chunin_ questioned him, asking who had told him that? Naruto-2, of course, replied that it was all Mizuki-sensei's doing!

The ironic look of shock blossoming on the man's face was priceless, but right at this critical moment, a sudden flurry of kunai whistled threw the air. Suspecting what was to happen, Naruto immediately pumped extra chakra into his _kagebunshin_ to prevent it from dispersing, if struck. What he did not expect was for Iruka to shove Naruto-2 out of the way and take the barrage of thrown blades himself that sent him screeching back into the side of the shack with a terrible thud.

Mizuki had revealed himself at last, but Naruto was at a loss for words. Why had Iruka-sensei saved him? Did he not despise him just as much as the citizens of Konoha? What the hell was going on here? Naruto could only watch as the drama played out.

How ironic it was that it would be the traitor, Mizuki, who finally provided him the answers to the questions he had asked all along. So that's why everybody hated him so much... That's what Shion had been trying to tell him. Somehow, he was not all that surprised when the truth finally came out.

Uzumaki Naruto was the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox. He was the reason why so many people were dead; why Iruka-sensei and so many others grew up without their families. Naruto understood it perfectly now.

Yes, he would have to leave this place, sooner or later; maybe even tonight; because he will never be happy here. Come to think of it, did he not have some kind of wish or dream about that?

"Naruto, GET DOWN!" Iruka's desperate scream shattered his train of thought.

Splatter.

* * *

The huge shuriken had carved right into him, sending him toppling down upon his side; the massive blood loss and trauma was too much, he was going into shock. In a matter of heartbeats, he would be no more, but there was something Iruka knew he still had to do, even though it would be last thing he did...

"Na...Naru-to, I'm s-sorry."

Regret.

Sadness.

Nothing.

* * *

Umino Iruka was dead.

Why? Why had he apologized? What was he sorry for? Why did Iruka-sensei have to die so pathetically? The person he was trying to protect was not even real! The real Uzumaki Naruto was sitting back in a tree, watching all this happen. He was not in danger at all for a second. So why did Iruka-sensei have to die? What did he sacrifice his life for?

The traitor, Mizuki, laughed mockingly. His twisted expression was wrought with a kind ecstatic glee, drinking in the horror and misery of the moment for all it was worth. The bastard had the nerve to mock Iruka's sacrifice, calling him a fool, an idiot for throwing his life away over the damned demon fox.

Outrage.

Anger.

Hate.

Naruto had had enough, and it was time to end this farce. With an audible snap of his fingers, the shadow replication disappeared into a puff of smoke, leaving the copied Forbidden Scroll behind. He hardly bothered with Mizuki's stricken expression when he appeared before the silver-haired _chunin_ in a swirl of leaves. In fact, Naruto did not even acknowledge the hazy red waves that flowed across his vision, his senses sharpening unnaturally to the point where he could hear the traitor's frightened pounding heartbeat, as his voice deepened:

"_Oi_, Mi-zu-ki-sensei, didn't anyone ever teach you it's not polite to badmouth the dead?"

"Na-N-Naruto!" Mizuki squeaked. Everything about him smelled of fear, from the queer twitch in his body language to the cold sweat pouring down his face: what a pathetic sight.

"Yeah, it's me; in the flesh, I'm afraid. Good for me. Bad for you. _Saa_, you know what's coming next, don't you?""

"D-Demon! I'LL KILL YOU FIRST!"

With a howl, Mizuki leapt back and hurled the remaining large shuriken on his back at Naruto, a desperate attack that was pitifully predictable. Considering how slow the traitorous _chunin_ was moving to his eyes, it would not have been hard to say that he had seen it coming from a mile away. And so with a careless sigh, Naruto brought out Raijin, a terrifying blade of crackling reddish-black lightning snapping into existence from its hilt, and cut down the offending projectile. Such was the power of his blow that the large shuriken quite literally vaporized into a superheated shower of glowing sparks.

Mizuki nearly crumpled to his knees in shock, as Naruto casually pocketed away the famed Raijin, continuing to advance without fail. However, the traitor's will was not broken yet, and in an act of denial, brandished a kunai and charged the fiery nightmare that approached him. The said nightmare easily caught his wrist and twisted it aside painfully, bringing him low to his knees in submission. Mizuki could only howl in agony as the hellish flames of red and black seared the melting flesh of his seized limb, bubbling and broiling, under the intense heat that instead of immolating him instantly was slowly eating away at him, with great pleasure too.

"Damn, Mizuki-sensei! Was that really your best punch?" Naruto tsk-tsk'd with feigned regret, ignorant of the darkness that had taken a hold of his very soul. After all, the only thing that mattered right now was punishing this traitor for the murder he committed.

Mizuki gagged at the foul smell of his flesh cooking, but his eyes were utterly consumed by a kind of madness that made him impervious to fear, "D-Demon Fox! You-You won't g-get away with this! I --- I am the Great Mizuki-sama!"

"Yeah, and I'm King Enma of the Underworld, how do you do, pal?"

"In-INSOLENT WRE-AIEEEEE-Aaahhhhh!"

"Yeow, sorry about that; I think I just melted that kunai into slag. Probably doesn't feel to nice on your hand, does it?"

"Why --- W-Why you-gargh!"

Naruto sighed again, enough was enough of this pointless bravado, "You know, Mizuki-sensei, from a book I read --- I understand that no man should be judge, jury, and executioner all in one. And after what I just did, watching as someone innocent got murdered right in my face, I shouldn't even be here talking to you."

Mizuki lost it at this point, an eerie chuckle escaping his lips before he threw his head back in roaring laughter. It was as if the man realized at last that this was the end for him, and that the foul demon fox was simply reading his last rites before devouring his soul. Oh, Naruto was having none of that, a little voice in the back of his head had something much sweeter in mind at no cost to his own soul, already terribly wounded enough, either.

"But, I think you deserve a special kind of Hell, Mizuki-sensei. Don't worry, you won't die."

"AH-AHHAHAHA-AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"But the mind can be a terrible place to be too, can't it?"

"AH-HAHA-AH-HA-?"

O' pitiful shadow cloaked in darkness,

Thy actions 'cause men pain and suffering,

Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins,

Just this once, how would ye like t'see what death is like?

"_Kinjutsu_ --- _Akumu_."

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 3 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Homages are abound here, and I'm glad to hear y'all are enjoying this fic for better or worse. In fact, I'm actually having a lot of fun writing it, surprisingly enough. Guess that bodes well for future episodes, eh?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

P.S. "Forbidden Art --- Nightmare." I think y'all can figure out where this fits in, right?

_Tsudzuku_!


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 04:

Penance and Passage

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

O' pitiful shadow cloaked in darkness,

Thy actions 'cause men pain and suffering,

Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins,

Just this once, how would ye like t'see what death is like?

"_Kinjutsu_ --- _Akumu_."

* * *

When the Hokage and his retinue of ANBU arrived, Naruto mused they must have been quite stunned by the spectacle that greeted them. From where he lay immobile, Mizuki had long since stopped screaming, stopped laughing, dying down, softly, quietly, until scarcely a whimper escaped his lips. Oh, he was quite alive, rest assured, staring dumbly up at the starry night sky, unmoving, breathing regularly, and hardly caring for the drool that overflowed and dribbled out of the corners of his foul mouth.

Naruto had dressed and cleaned the body as best as he could, and now standing over his handiwork, he could not help but feel a touch proud. Iruka --- yes --- Iruka-sensei looked as if he were in peaceful repose, laying there with the blonde-haired boy's black blazer draped over him. The blazer helped to soak up the cold blood pooling underneath him, but to Naruto then, it was strangely poetic, perhaps even beautiful.

They must have been stunned to see him crying, a sad wistful smile, his hands clasped together in prayer over the dead man's body. It was the first time he had ever given the last rites to anyone, and he felt --- ominously --- that it would not be the last. Gone his innocence was, and its place a jaded sobriety at the uncertain future of tomorrow.

"Naruto-kun..." Sarutobi spoke to him in a hushed voice as the ANBU buzzed about the scene, securing the traitor and all the evidence therein.

Naruto shook his head, dropping his arms to his sides in wordless surrender, "He said he was sorry."

"Hm?"

"I-Iruka-sensei, you know. He said --- he said he was sorry."

"Naruto..."

"But for what, Old Man? What was he sorry for? Why did he give his life to save me? After all, he knew what I was, didn't he?"

"Naruto-kun, listen; you're..."

"I know what I am, Old Man. Kinda stupid I didn't figure it out sooner."

"I see."

"So what are you going to do with me, Hokage-sama?" Naruto asked the old man finally with a heavy heart. Considering he had no witnesses, and his testimony would be surely thrown out in a heartbeat in the court of law, the blonde-haired boy figured he was good as dead. So much for all of his dreams and such...

What he did not expect was for Sarutobi, the much-famed Professor, to move aside, bending down beside Iruka's corpse and removing the man's forehead protector. The old man then turned about, came right up beside him with his shocked gaping expression and all, and forcefully pressed his former teacher's forehead protector into his shaking hands:

"Here; keep it."

"Wh-Wha? But this is...!" Naruto protested weakly.

"Iruka-kun would've wanted you to have it."

"But, but I-!"

"Consider it your penance, Naruto-kun. From this day forth, you are hereby officially a _genin_ of the Leaf and obligated to all the rights and responsibilities of your station. You will wear Umino Iruka's _hitai-ate_ proudly, and keep it on your person at all times. Let his memento serve to remind you of what _shinobi_ are: those who serve. But: let his memento remind you, too, that _shinobi _are human. Tools we are, but even **we **can still make a choice."

Hot tears coming to his eyes, Naruto struggled to hold them back, as a deep sense of shame ripped at his wavering spirit. However, there was no running away from this punishment, and so with a grave face, he bowed deeply and bared it as best he could:

"Understood, Hokage-sama."

"Good. Now, go home," the Hokage nodded, dismissing him, "Tomorrow's going to be a very long day, I'm afraid: for you, for us all."

"_Hai_, Hokage-sama."

"Oh, and one more thing, Naruto-kun..."

"Yes?"

"Keep the Raijin; you've earned it."

Silence.

The Old Man laughed heartily, "I imagine, you probably had some scheme laid out to hold on to it anyway, considering the extra trouble you went through to '_liberate_' it as well."

"O-Old Man..." Naruto licked his lips nervously. What if Sarutobi-_jii_san also knew about his scheme concerning the Forbidden Scroll?

"Hahaha! Go on, get out of here. Early to bed, early to rise, Naruto-kun!"

* * *

When the boy finally left, it was with a heavy heart that Sarutobi turned back to the task at hand. His all seeing eye had not been able to bear witness to the events that had transpired here, clouded so it seemed by an inpenetrable black fog. When the fog did at last lift, the deed was already done, leaving suspicion abound and an urgency to be the first there to see for himself the results.

The Sandaime Hokage was in a bind, a terrible connundrum unlike he had ever faced in his long career, perhaps too long. He had two casualties this night: Umino Iruka, a tremendously reliable _chunin_, whose death will be a great loss to the staff at the Ninja Academy. Touji Mizuki, a _chunin_ of some repute, who had been the first to deliver the grim news of the Forbidden Scroll's theft, and now lay in a catatonic heap with one of his wrists melted neatly down to the bone.

What the hell happened here? The only testimony he could possibly get was from Naruto, but the boy's words would be utterly worthless in a court law, especially one that was already prejudiced against him. Sarutobi had to think, and he had to think fast to minimize the damage as much as possible. Iruka's record and temperment was much too clean to make him a possible suspect. Naruto was a determined boy, but even he could not have pulled this off alone; besides, he surely must have enough good sense to tell the difference between right and wrong, would he not?

Tsk, how difficult; Sarutobi had a hunch that Mizuki must have had a hand in this somehow because why else would he be the first to deliver the news? If he knew about the theft, why did he not take the initiative to stop Naruto before hand or when the crime had taken place? Granted, Naruto was no ordinary academy student, but at his current level, the chances of him mustering the will to use the power of the Kyuubi was minimal at best.

Mizuki, Mizuki, Mizuki --- that little rotten rat. It must've been him, but as I have no evidence, it is just simply "biased" conjecture, thought the Hokage grudgingly as he watched the ANBU clear the way for the arriving forensics team.

Naruto would be denounced fiercely by the Village Council; they might even try to put the boy behind bars for life, but of course, he was not about to let them have their way with the Fourth's Legacy. Alas, it was likely to come at a great price. The boy will live free, that much Sarutobi swore he will see to, but it was also highly likely that he will never be able to be happy here in Konoha from this day forth.

After all, he would have to compromise, and it was an offer the Village Council will never think twice of refusing:

"Correct, O Honorable Ladies and Gentlemen: I hereby revoke my sponsorship of Uzumaki Naruto, under these set conditions...!"

Forgive me; forgive us all, Naruto.

* * *

Trudging through the lamp-lit streets that night, Naruto felt --- **old**. Not only did he feel --- **old** --- Oh Buddha, how he loathed that word --- this moment was probably the most ornery he had ever felt in his entire life yet. Though years from now, looking back, Naruto professed that the misery he felt then was but an appetizer for the things to follow. He had let a man die, watched him die, and had cheated another man, someone he actually looked up to be frank, though he had never told him.

In his humble opinion, Naruto was the biggest creep in the world, a petty self-serving little sonuva-you-know-what. How was he supposed to justify any of his actions tonight? Hell, why had he not thought things through first before going through all of that? Had he committed these sins simply on a whim, thoughtlessly, not caring for the means but the end only? What kind of a horrible person was he?

These new dark thoughts weighed heavily upon, adding to his increasing burden and the weariness that came with it. His senses had dulled; everything was growing darker, distant; and he knew not where he was or where he was going. The questions, and the accusations would not go away, haunting him in a flutter of voices, dragging him down, until at last his feet gave out underneath him.

Naruto collapsed.

However, to his surprise, someone had caught him before he could break his nose on the harsh pavement. The gentle embrace, warm and inviting --- a woman's scent of effervescent cinnamon and images of butterflies, black --- drew him in, and the exhausted blonde-haired boy could hardly protest. Just this once, Naruto wanted to give in, a moment's of naive weakness, and he snuggled in closer. He felt safe here, at ease. Would this be what it would have felt like to be in the arms of someone who loved him? If the case this be, then what should he call this feeling right now: to be held by his mother? A sister? A cousin? A friend? A lover?

Meh, whatever; maybe I'll figure it out one day, thought Naruto with an internal shrug, letting his tiredness carry him wherever his dreams willed, good --- or bad.

* * *

"_Fufufufu_, you're really a handful, you know that, Na-ru-to-chan?"

Laughter.

"But, methinks --- this Ichihara Yuuko, you know --- you'll be good to have around the house."

A smile.

"Maru and Moro have already fallen for you, yes? Oh, you bet'cha they did. They can't wait to play with you!"

An affectionate caress.

"I have to say you're certainly an unpredictable boy, Young Uzumaki. Twice this night you nearly died in the first day of your rebirth, and on this same ill occasion, you unconsciously took your first big step towards your dream. I'd rather not mention the other miracles you brought about, since it wouldn't do to have your head swell up so young. Of course, it's a shame that your first step had to be so --- painful."

A wistful sigh.

"Still, you're awfully troublesome, Naruto-kun! I never expected you to forget your wish; probably another odd turn of _hitsuzen_ --- fate --- for there are no coincidences in this world. Hmmm, well, I think you'll come to remember when the time is right."

A bemused chuckle.

"But don't worry, I will do everything in my power to fulfill your wish. This shop is always preparing for the future, and you --- you, I'm certain, can truly shape the world as you wish, a rare gift --- but a curse it is too."

A kiss.

"O Sweet Child, O Unfortunate Boy: teach you I shall, learn you will, and learn you must now that you can perceive beyond the senses. There is a '_this world_' and a '_that world_', inside and outside, and many more still that you have yet to behold."

A grin.

"The only question remains: will you hate me? love me? or feel nothing at all when this all comes to a head, Uzumaki Naruto --- The Shadow of _Shadows_?"

* * *

When morning came, Naruto had the feeling that something strange must have happened to him the other day: psychedelic, bizarre, like somebody had been whispering in his ear as he slept. Staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling, fuzzy images and memories bubbling to the surface, laying down in a cozy but unfamiliar _futon_, he came to realize two very important conclusions: 1. Yesterday was not a dream. Yesterday had been good and bad. Yesterday was the day Iruka-sensei --- funny how Umino Iruka went from just Iruka to Iruka-sensei so fast, huh? --- died. Yes, "Yesterday" sucked.

2. This was not his apartment.

"_Ohayou_...!"

"_Ohayou gozaimasu_...!

"...Na-RU-TO-KUN!" greeted a pair of cheery voices, as a bluish blur and a pinkish blur interrupted his immediate vision.

Oh hells no.

The next half an hour or so was a blissful crucible the likes he had never experienced before, though to a certain toad _sannin_, the man would have professed it was a trip to seventh heaven. Somehow, he had woken up at Maru and Moro's house (at least he assumed it was theirs), and "The Twins" were all too happy to have him as a guest. In fact they were so happy, they quite literally seized him and proceeded on down to the baths to bathe him. He was a very special guest, so they claimed in the midst of all his vain struggling and protests, as it turned out those two girls were a helluva lot stronger than they looked; therefore, they had to do everything in their power to properly accommodate him.

Needless to say, Naruto's pride was quite wounded when he found himself manhandled so easily between the apparent sisters. They could have at least let him get dressed on his own, but nope, they were having none of that! Maru and Moro dried him off and dressed him in his clothes, which at some point must have been freshly laundered judging by the cleansed aroma he smelled, and then dragged him over to the kitchen. There the devilish half of the duo, Maru, began to prepare breakfast, while her angelic-themed sister, Moro, read to him noteworthy events out of a newspaper, including the weather and the stock exchange.

Oh, by and by, the Mistress left earlier this morning on some business and won't be home until late in the evening!

Naruto had no clue, whom this "Mistress" was, but he felt as if he should have known. Anyways, after being force fed breakfast, which the girls thought was positively cute, he was escorted to the front gate, and handed a _bento_ that was wrapped in a white cloth patterned with a strange creature he had never seen before, which Maru and Moro identified as "Mokona." They then bided him a good day, not to come home late after work, and gave him a might shove out the front gate.

When he looked back, the mansion was gone along with its black fenced perimeter. Naruto's mind reeled with questions. He had never been more confused in his entire life, and the disappearing mansion and its equally bizarre inhabitants was just the tip of the conundrum he had discovered. Looking around in an effort to gain his bearings and put aside his disturbed thoughts for later, Naruto sighed in relief that he was still in Konoha, down in the 'burbs as usual.

"Naruto," a smooth baritone voice spoke suddenly from beside him.

With an indignant oath, the demon container neatly back-flipped a healthy distance, his face beet red with fury and embarrassment, ready to defend himself (with a _bento_ and his fist). However, any pretense of violence promptly drained from his face, when Naruto recognized the familiar sight of a non-descript male ANBU wearing a dog's mask. Thankful that he was not in any danger, after all, the blonde-haired boy allowed himself a relieved sigh, his arms drooping to his sides:

"Oh Buddha, it's just you, Dog. Scared the beegeezus out of me! You really ought-a stop appearing from out of nowhere, and so freaking close to me too. Personal space, right? Don't you think I'm at least a little deserving of that?"

"The funeral's begun, Naruto."

Well, isn't that just like Dog? Completely unrepentant of his personal intrusion as usual, and no-shit-to-the-point attitude ---- wait a second, did he just say something about a funeral? And then like an epiphany, Naruto was thunderstruck, the vivid images and memories of the night before rushing back to him at full tilt.

Iruka-sensei.

"Oh, yeah...that. Well, lead the way, Dog."

* * *

The sky was blue, the clouds were white, and the wind sang serenely, as if all was right in the world. Though on the contrary, Naruto protested grudging that this was not his idea of a funeral at all. Funerals were supposed to dark and moody, and yet today, the world could give less than two-you-know-whats and was "merrily" carrying on without a hiccup. The sunny atmosphere pissed him off royally, made him restless, as he watched Iruka-sensei's ashes laid to rest and entombed underneath the gravestone, joining the hundreds and thousands of other _shinobi_ consecrated at this picturesque hillside temple/cemetery, while his name was being inscribed into the Hero's Memorial elsewhere.

The truth hit him harder than he would have liked because as it turns out, Iruka-sensei and him did have some things in common, after all. An honest, hard working man, but also rather private about his personal life, Umino Iruka was an orphan. His parents and immediate family had all up and perished in the incident some twelve years ago when the Kyuubi had attacked Konoha. With the priest having left the scene, the only people present were himself, Dog, the Sandaime Hokage, and a couple of _jounin_.

Naruto suspected it must have been a great honor for the Old Man to have graced the funeral, but one look into that old wizened face, and he knew Sarutobi was not here to play games in the slightest. The Hokage's time was precious, but for Iruka-sensei, the man wanted to pay his respects, personally. In fact, it was his duty, his obligation, the least he could do for the selfless men and women who have or will give their lives for this village, for Konoha to live. Granted, he would rather exchange his long-lived life for theirs a million times over, but it was not an option he was afforded. The Hokage could not give his life whenever he so wished, for his life belonged to the village, and so his life was akin to a miracle, a breath of life, that could only be used once when the darkest hour fell upon the Hidden Village of Konoha.

Alas, this was the fate of the Hokage.

Glancing at the _jounin_, Naruto was still surprised that they had not shot him any kind of dirty looks at all this entire time he had been here. They were the most eccentric bunch of ninjas he had ever met to be honest. There was a beautiful red-eyed woman whose uniform seemed to mostly consist of bandages, a chain smoking bearded fellow who was going through his fourth cigarette already, a secretive gray-haired man who had his face in a "dirty" book, and a green-clad "Bruce Lee-wannabe" who was still crying outrageously, muttering something or another about the springtime of youth. He supposed they were Iruka-sensei's friends, or at least, close acquaintances, whom had oddly tolerated his presence, which was otherwise an unbearable anathema to nearly every citizen of Konoha, _nin_ and civilians alike.

Still, he did notice their eyebrows raise a flicker of a centimeter, when they caught sight of the forehead protector he wore clasped around his right bicep, instead of say his forehead --- where it should be mind you. Naruto just did not feel right putting what was left of Iruka-sensei on his head; besides, this way it felt like the man was right beside him, closer to his heart for the blonde-haired boy had many questions to ask of his ghost. Sure, they had some things in common, but Iruka-sensei was still very much a mystery to him, thanks to The Book's --- no --- Shion's instruction that had made him independent well before his age. If it were not for her, perhaps he would have sought the man out --- and, maybe, just maybe, could things have turned out differently?

"Do not dwell too much on the past, Naruto-kun. Learn from it, but do not dwell for it will swallow you whole in despair and regret before you know it," the wizened man interjected, a smoking pipe clenched between his lips, breaking the cool silence for the first time.

Naruto flinched, seething audibly. Was he really that obvious? Oh well, at least it seems all those _jounin_ have already left while I was spacing out. Just me, Dog, and the Old Man it seems.

"What would you like to know about Iruka-kun?"

"Man, I'm definitely too obvious."

"That's a good sign of your youth, _hohoho_! Don't begrudge yourself for it, Naruto-kun."

"Did he do pranks too --- just for some attention?"

"Oh yes, Iruka-kun was a genius at the art in his day. His need to be acknowledged was not so different from yourself."

"So he was lonely too, huh?"

"Yes, but Iruka-kun managed to climb his way out of that desolation as he grew older and stronger, finding a small circle of acquaintances that acknowledged his humanity at least, if not his ability. Though, to be quite frank, the young man, I think, would've been much happier as an ordinary school teacher."

Naruto considered this thoughtfully, his expression turning into a foxy scowl that highlighted the whisker marks on his cheeks. In later years, he would find this expression to be extremely useful, as it tended to strike an unnatural terror and fear into his foe with just a little killing intent. After all, the expression eerily made him resemble a fox, and considering he thought was the demon fox incarnate at the time, he supposed it was a kind of dramatic irony made flesh.

"Why'ya say that?"

"_Hohoho_, that's a mystery I'll charge you to unearth for yourself."

"_Che_, it's never that simple, is it? Sheesh!"

"_Aa_, and just to clarify, my boy, now that you know what you are, you are by **no** means the _Kyuubi no Kitsune_ reincarnate."

"Wha?"

"The Yondaime Hokage was unable to destroy the great _youkai_, so he sealed it in the navel of a newborn child, and that child is you, Naruto-kun."

"Wait, so that means... _The Vessel of Kyuubi no Kitsune_... I'm just a container for it?"

"Yes, you are its living prison, its jailor, Naruto-kun."

"Um, isn't that kind of --- risky? I mean, what happens if I die?"

"That is a possibility, though the seal Kazama Arashi used is designed so that you and the Kyuubi will gradually merge overtime, and with your death so shall the demon follow suit --- **in theory**; therefore, it is possible this will not come to pass and the demon shall be set free instead."

"Oh, well --- that...sucks."

"_Hohoho_, that it does," laughed Sarutobi amiably, much to Naruto's embarrassed chagrin.

"So what happens now? And --- um, should Dog have heard all that? He's kind of still here, you know?"

Sarutobi blinked at him owlishly before glancing over at the stolid ANBU, who uttered not a sound. Heck, Dog did not even look like he was alive, as Naruto could not detect the subtle inflation and deflation of his chest that should have indicated that he was at least breathing. Talk about creepy; anyways, the Old Man was favoring Dog with a kind of thoughtful looking, stroking his proud goatee, and so with a committed grunt, he spoke:

"Oh, that reminds me. _Oi_, Aozaki-kun, you're relieved of your duties to guarantee the safety of Uzumaki Naruto. Consider your debts paid and the contract fulfilled. And thus, show yourself!"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 4 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. I'm all ears as always, and to the fellas who've connected the dots and found the references and homages, more power to you for I am impressed by your knowledge of otakudom!

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 05:

Learning the Ropes

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"So what happens now? And --- um, should Dog have heard all that? He's kind of still here, you know?"

Sarutobi blinked at him owlishly before glancing over at the stolid ANBU, who uttered not a sound. Heck, Dog did not even look like he was alive, as Naruto could not detect the subtle inflation and deflation of his chest that should have indicated that he was at least breathing. Talk about creepy; anyways, the Old Man was favoring Dog with a kind of thoughtful looking, stroking his proud goatee, and so with a committed grunt, he spoke:

"Oh, that reminds me. _Oi_, Aozaki-kun, you're relieved of your duties to guarantee the safety of Uzumaki Naruto. Consider your debts paid and the contract fulfilled. And thus, show yourself!"

---

At the Hokage's formal statement, the oddest thing happened. Dog quite literally cracked, as if he were made of glass, intravenous splinters and breaks shooting across his body with frightening speed, reaching a crescendo wherefore he --- shattered. It was the "nifty-est" _genjutsu_ he had ever seen in his life, though a little voice in the back of his head whispered that it may have not been _genjutsu_ but something else entirely, a voice that Naruto ignored in his excitement. In the settling dust of blue stood an indistinct figure clad in a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and sneakers, a compact suitcase in tow, with long fiery hair and blazing blue eyes, gaining more definition by the passing heartbeat...

A w-w-woman! HUH?

"Whoa, no kiddin', eh, Sarutobi-_jiijii_? I didn't think you'd let me go that easily," she greeted them with a smirk, as a passing breeze ruffled her long luxurious hair that reached past her waist, sending it billowing in the air currents.

Naruto gaped, his blue eyes wide with awe. The air this "Aozaki" gave off and her astounding beauty reminded him a lot of someone else he had met long ago, yet he could not remember for the life of him. Besides, what was with him and meeting beautiful women as of late?

"I'm an old man, Aoko, but still a man of his word," replied Sarutobi easily, unaffected by the woman's electrifying presence. "I imagine, you have some words you would like to exchange with _him _before you go?"

"Huh, Dog's --- err --- she's leaving?"

Aoko laughed boisterously at his expense, taking several minutes before she could calm herself down, " Well, aren't you surprised for a _nin_? Kinda sad if you asked me, but oh well, everybody's only human at the end of the day. Well, at least, most people are. Haha, didn't know you were _that_ attached me, even though you just met the real me today!

"Guess some _things_ never change. Still. ...Sorry, I couldn't protect ya better; you really got the short end of the stick, kid. I could barely lift a finger to help you without being buried to death in red tape. If I had things my way, whoo! you won't believe how many jackasses would be right damned toasty!"

"Eheheh...huh?"

"_Oi_, kid, just to make myself clear, I'm not going to beg for your forgiveness. I did a crappy job, and I'm not proud of it, either. That's the sort of guilt I'm gonna have to deal with for the rest of my life. Still, I think you turned out amazingly good. Don't know where you got that self-study book from, at least that's what I think it is, but it did-ya a world of good, I'd say. Looking forward to see how you shape the future, Uzumaki Naruto-kun."

"Um, tha-thanks, I guess." Whoa, is this --- is this lady actually acknowledging me? Now, that's a first! I think...

"The name's Aozaki Aoko; don't forget it because if my guess is right, it won't be terribly long before we meet again."

And with those words said, the eccentric Aozaki Aoko bid her farewell, his keeper for the last terminal years of his childhood, left that ancient past and opened the door to his adolescent future, promising that they would surely meet once more. He really did not know what to feel about her leaving, especially when she said it was only to be a short absence. Of course, Naruto never got to consider it much because old man Sarutobi decided to drop the figurative bomb on him right then and there.

* * *

The deal was this simple really:

1. A client had come forth offering a long-term job/contract.

2. The client wanted not just anyone on this job; in fact, **she **specifically demanded for _him_.

3. She was offering simply an astronomical sum of money, which the village treasury would be more than happy to accept.

4. Her name was Ichihara Yuuko.

5. She wanted him, Uzumaki Naruto --- A _Genin_ of The Hidden Village of Leaf, to be her personal aide, assistant, AND apprentice for an unspecified amount of time.

6. In turn, Naruto would be granted a rare "Special Genin" license and all the responsibilities, obligations, **AND** _privileges _--- yes --- _privileges _that went along with it.

7. Naruto shall be allowed to continue his studies as a ninja as he so pleased, and may receive training with any _genin_ team he so wishes.

8. Naruto will also be allowed to continue his career as a ninja and take the _Chunin_ and _Jounin_ Exams at his discretion, though it will be up to him to find a team of applicants willing to take him in.

9. Naruto may also choose to accept missions from the Hokage's Offices at his discretion, though he must receive approval from his chief sponsor/client Ichihara Yuuko, as his death would force her to revoke the contract and all payment transactions.

It was not a bad deal, and he would be allowed the sort of freedom and independence that most _nin_ would not experience until they were at least of _chunin_ rank. The pay was astonishing compared to the meager stipend he was afforded before, and with it he could easily begin work on other home improvement projects he had been holding off on, not to mention personal _shinobi_ equipment for himself. The only problem was...

"I have to LIVE with her too?" Naruto squawked at the older man, as they trudged along the less traveled paths through the urban jungle of Konoha.

Sandaime Hokage nodded simply, "Yes, and the arrangements are already in place to have your things moved from your apartment to Ichihara-san's mansion. All we need is your consent and everything will be done."

"Aw man, and after all the trouble I went through to clean that place up too!"

"Hmmm?"

Oh crap, I shouldn't have said that aloud in front of the old man! "EH-Hahaha, it's nothing! Never mind what I said, Hokage-sama!"

"No, '_Ojii_-san', anymore, Naruto-kun?" the Hokage asked him dubiously, making him sweat nervously. "Why, I'm hurt."

"Ehehhe, well, err... I dunno if it's appropriate to call you that anymore. I mean, as of last night, well, I work for you now. So..."

"_Hohoho_, fair enough; so what is your decision, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto made a face. From what he could tell, he must have been pretty darn deep with this Ichihara woman, which would explain the odd familiarity he felt every time her name was mentioned. She was an adult, so she must have known about the _Kyuubi no Kitsune_, and apparently, she did not give two hoots about it either. It was a good job, with a long-term steady income, Maru and Moro were nice enough company in a odd girly way, and since it has come to this...

"Sure, why the hell not? I'll do it, BE-LIEVE IT!"

* * *

With an handshake to seal the deal, and a paper slip with directions to his new boss's mansion, he was free to spend the day as he wished. Of course, Sandaime helpfully suggested he may wish to go to the Ninja Academy just to get a feel for the _genin_ teams. Officially, he was assigned to "Team 7," but his place on the team was a rotating position that could be filled in by another _chunin_ or _jounin_ as the mission required, so he would not be terribly missed. Naruto was perfectly content with this arrangement to say the least, and happily, decided to grace his peers with his presence.

The barrage of gasps and disbelieving looks when swaggered into the classroom proudly was priceless. In fact, he would not have wanted it any either way, although glancing offhand at the empty teacher's desk, he felt a guilty pang of regret. Naruto was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he did not notice the crowd of indignant females gathering until it was too late.

"_Oi_, loser: move it," a smooth masculine voice **ordered** him in the most supercilious tones that the boy could muster.

Oh, Naruto was familiar with this voice. The number one rookie _genin_ of the year was a much talked about subject, and considering he was sitting down, the blonde-haired boy imagined he had just committed the unforgivable sin of occupying the seat of...

"Yo, U-chi-ha Sasuke-_teme_, how's life?"

The insult instantly drew strangled cries from the crowd of girls, all the while the boys watched from the sidelines, their thoughts written on their faces. Who they had contempt for specifically, or even who they hated the most, he did not know. Naruto always fashioned himself to be the average class clown kind of joe, so they should not hate him anymore than for being a "class idiot," unless they knew about his "tenant."

Sasuke could give less than two-shits about anybody, and his open defiance at the proud Uchiha was not amusing to the fair dark-haired boy in the slightest bit. Sheesh, the guy really could use a sense of humor. "Move it, _dobe_."

"Who died and made you _Hokage_, Sasuke-_teme_?" Naruto gave him his best "suck-your-own-dick-and-die" grin, determined not to move this spot since the Uchiha had the nerve to be so rude in the first place. He had had enough of this disrespect, and to hell if the girls wanted to rip him to pieces, judging by the multiple evil eyes he was receiving. If they wanted a fight, the hyperactive blonde would happily let them know that Uzumaki Naruto was an equal opportunity "ass-kicker" when the chips were down and civility was out the door. "Last time I checked, I work for Sandaime Hokage-sama --- NOT _you_."

"Hnnn."

"C'mon, what's the matter? Huh-huh? Wanna fight?"

Now, Sasuke _smirked_, turning his back to him derisively, "Hmph, with a worthless, good-for-nothing _dobe_ like you? In your dreams."

"Yeah, you tell him, Sasuke-kun!" a head of pink hair erupted from amongst the mob of girls, which was immediately joined by much rejoicing.

The score:

Sasuke-bastard - 1

Naruto-sama - 0

Unseen by prying eyes, Naruto lowered his gaze to the desk, noting that his hands had balled unconsciously into trembling fists. He felt so cold inside, so terribly detached and unfeeling. A few things had changed for the better in his life, but there was no doubt in his mind that much more was still wrong. He was still the pariah, the village reject, in the eyes of these children, twisted by whatever restrained hate the adults had bred into them, and it pissed him off. Damn, how he wished he could break something right the hell now!

**So why not begin with that Uchiha**? an eerie voiced cooed to him.

It was a little girl, maybe seven or eight years old, sitting on a desk by the window, clad in little more than a torn bloody slip, as the nine vulpine tails behind her twitched and thumped the wooden surface. Fox ears adorned the tops of her, protruding outwards from her long feral blonde mane, stained with the same "red" that stank from the claws on her hands. A thick atmosphere of ominous dread clung about her, as she "fed," tearing into the throat of her hapless victim, fixing him with her inhuman eyes, the whites drained out in favor of pitch black, and the irises smoldering a golden red.

Tears of blood flowed freely for her eyes, a kind of sick caricature of joy; she smiled greedily at him for in her arms lay one Uchiha Sasuke.

**Hullo**, **U-zu-ma-ki Na-ru-to**.

Naruto tore his gaze away violently, mumbling unintelligibly the words he spoke frantically in his mind. Nonononononononononono-NO! This --- That can't be real! I --- I don't want THAT! It's just a dream --- a nightmare! Some freakin' hallucination! I'm going to count back to zero from ten, and when I open my eyes, it's all going to go away. Poof! Ninja-Vanish. Blamf! Whatever! Just go the hell away!

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Zero!

The demonic "fox child" was gone, and he was all too happy to enjoy the proceedings as a non-descript _chunin_ appeared abruptly in a puff of smoke, calling attention to himself. Naruto put on a bright smile in anticipation, forcing himself to get his act together. He was terribly shaken inside by that nightmarish apparition, but oh what luck, it was only a hallucination! He must have been zoning out or something stupid like that to have conjured something that horrible up. With any luck, Naruto planned on never getting his spirits that lowdown again. Little did he realize that there was a little voice in the back of his head, mocking him, laughing at his foolishness because this was just the beginning.

After all, he had just met the **Kyuubi no Kitsune**.

* * *

Naruto scowled.

Somehow, he had the feeling he should have expected this, but still, when it did happen, it sucked just as bad. Right now, the blonde-haired boy found himself seated at the bleachers just outside his former school on the school's track, and arrayed about him was Haruno Sakura (the pink-haired fangirl who had cheered Sasuke-bastard's victory earlier), Uchicha Sasuke (the said bastard), and one Hatake Kakashi, their _jounin_-sensei.

Save for Sakura, he was familiar with all these people, more or less. Kakashi, because he had met the man at the funeral. Sasuke --- well, who the hell could forget that snotty prick? Still, it was rather ironic he would be placed "officially" in this team, and now, Naruto was very thankful for his long-term assignment to Ichihara Yuuko. Anything had to be better than being put on the same team as the acquaintance of his former teacher, whose death was glorified righteously before the entire graduating class, the boy he despised, and a fangirl of the said boy, who swung back and forth like a pendulum between glaring at him and sighing wistfully over her idol.

Naruto felt sick to his guts.

"Hmmm, well, let's get started with the introductions, shall we?" began Kakashi at last, pocketing away that blasted copy of _Icha_ _Icha_ _Paradise_ he had been hiding behind the entire time. "Name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future, that sorta thing, you dig?"

There were nods all around, though considering the lack of a show of hands from the get go, it was safe to say that Kakashi had a tough "crowd" to work. Naruto supposed the man would just single someone out from the get go. The question was, who would he pick?

"_Oi_, you --- the blonde --- how about you start?"

Naruto cursed under his breath. Why did it have to be him first? He was really getting sick and tired of his cheery act, and today, everything was going to change --- starting with now:

"Sure, why the hell not? A-hem! Uzumaki Naruto, twelve years old; ramen is God; I dislike superficial jerks and, well, arrogant assholes in general, so that must mean Sasuke for starters; I love to train, read, and study; my dreams for the future? Hmmm, dunno about that but I think it'll come to me when I'm done sorting myself out. Becoming Hokage sounds nice, getting the folks to acknowledge me and all, but I think --- I think I had a bigger dream than that."

If Kakashi thought anything of his words, the _jounin_ made no sign. The man nodded simply to Sakura, beckoning her to follow suit, before she could blurt out some kind of retort to defend her idle. For his part, Sasuke also masked himself in silence, amazingly enough. However, Naruto could have sworn he saw a flash of amusement run across the fair boy's onyx eyes for an instant.

That pissed him off.

The introductions went on well enough. Kakashi was a rightful enigma, refusing to tell them anything about himself, save for his name. Sakura was Sakura, that is, a hopeless fangirl completely and totally after Sasuke, even though the guy obviously could careless about her. Oh, and she hated him --- no surprises there, Naruto noted with a shrug. Then, came the infamous Uchiha Sasuke, who was almost just as vague as their new teacher, save he made his dreams very clear to them:

He wanted to kill a certain man.

He also wanted to revive the Uchiha clan.

Naruto scoffed internally at this declaration. So the Uchiha idiot fashioned himself as an avenger, isn't that just bloody great? He had a fangirl, an angsty vengeful _bishounen_, and an apparent pervert on this team. Talk about nuts!

With the party done, Kakashi laughed aloud, shaking his head in some kind of emotion (good or bad, nobody had a clue), and proceeded to get down to business. They were to meet tomorrow at "Training Field 7" (how ironic) tomorrow at five in the morning sharp for their first big test, a kind of survival training. If they passed they would officially become a _genin_ team. Fail: and they would return to the academy. After all, there was a "66" failure rate among the twenty-seven graduates from the Ninja Academy, meaning only nine of them would ever really become _genin_, and Kakashi figured he had a reputation to keep up, so why the heck not?

"Oh, and by the way, do not eat anything when you wake up in the morning, 'kay? You're going to regret it, that much I can guarantee."

* * *

Naruto had to wonder if Kakashi knew about his status as a "special _genin_," probably not considering the ultimatum the man had delivered before he left. Oh well, if Yuuko-san did not have anything lined up for him to do, he would at least show up tomorrow morning to humor Kakashi and see what this "survival training" was all about, though he imagined there was a trick to passing it for sure. Anyways, with the man gone, he had no reason to stick around and departed with the most meager of pleasantries, which worked out just fine, since Sakura and Sasuke clearly did not care much for him either.

The answer to the question of "what to do next" was pretty obvious, considering he had a _bento_ lunch and a ton of new lessons to learn from Shion, he might as well find a quite spot somewhere and settle down for the afternoon. In fact, Naruto decided he was going to straight to this "Training Field 7" just to get a head start on the other two, a little recon for good fortune. After all, he planned to pass tomorrow, doing whatever it took, even if it meant he had to cooperate with those two brats.

Ewwww!

Little did Naruto realize that he was becoming a "brat" himself; it was something his older self was embarrassed to hear about constantly, and for plenty of --- _good _reasons.

* * *

"_Anou sa_, so what do you think of the location-location, Shion?" Naruto spoke to his companion, perhaps his only real friend to date, as he surveyed "Training Field 7" from his tentative perch way-up high atop the Hero's Memorial.

When he had summoned Shion out from the storage scroll, he had been surprised to see that she had shrank considerably from her humongous girth the night before after having consumed the Forbidden Scroll. She had returned back to her original size, except now she was a lot thicker than before, and it was through some considerable brute force he had managed to haul the sentient guidebook all the way up to the top with him. Still, the blonde-haired boy did not mind it terribly, since it was a pretty decent workout, and it was not as if Shion could move on her own, so it was ultimately his responsibility to take care of her.

"Tactical analysis...job complete. My Master, I believe tomorrow will be a very difficult battle, if that is what your _jounin_-sensei wishes for," she wrote back to him, her words appearing with a worried hesitance upon the pages.

"Eh, why you think so?"

"Kyuubi or not, you are still very young. Defeating the traitor, Mizuki, though no small feat was only possible thanks to the element of surprise, and the unexpected intervention of _Kyuubi no Kitsune_."

"Wait --- _she_ --- helped me?"

"'_She_', My Master?"

"Ehehehe, never mind that, Shion."

"My Master, did something happen to you?"

Naruto made a face. He really did not want to talk about it. Heck, he was amazed he even blurted it out. "Well, you can read my mind, can't you?"

"...I would rather hear it from you, My Master. To pry without permission would go against my core program ethics, specifically article XVII, Section Thirty, Passage Five-B, Line-"

"Okay-okay! I'm sorry, alright, Shion?"

Shion wrote not a word, but he sensed he had wounded her with his gruff apology, which only made him feel worse. Naruto admitted that --- well, he was not used to dealing with people who actually cared about him, who were honestly just trying to help him out. He had been all alone all this time, and now, all of a sudden, everything was changing. He was going to meet people, work with people, go places far and wide, and he was going to have to learn to deal with people, period, because no man was an island unto himself. The barriers he had unconsciously put up, while in contradiction, yearning for meaningful relationships, had to come down.

"L-Look, I --- I promise, we'll talk later about it," Naruto apologized at last, embracing the opened book subconsciously in a rather human gesture, "I need --- just some more time to think it over first, please, Shion?"

Needless to say, Shion's reply was quite --- bewildered, "V-Very well, My Master."

"_Saa-saa_, back to what we were talking 'bout earlier, heheh."

"Understood; this field has too much open ground. The training dummies provide some cover, but it would be best to plan your attack from the surrounding woods. Kakashi must have picked this location because it would give him an advantage, though not necessarily an overwhelming one. The river towards the south with the pier could prove useful. In any case, it would be safe to say that the most common of tactics we could devise, the _jounin_ had already thought of."

"Fighting one-on-one'd be just plain retarded, so...ugh, no way."

"Yes, My Master. You will have to work with the other two _genin_ for any hope of success. Together you can drive Kakashi towards the river, or into the woods, where hopefully with a well-synchronized attack, you'll be able to defeat him before he recovers and takes the team apart. In fact, this may be his true intent behind his supposed '_survival training_' exercise."

"Aw, man, damn that guy for putting me on the spot like this! I shoulda known," Naruto grumbled unhappily.

"Perhaps, it would be --- My Master, we're not alone," Shion wrote to him in sudden alarm.

What in the world? The blonde-haired boy, however, scarcely had a chance to inquire further when an eerie, electrifying wave of something --- hit him, paralyzing him on the spot. He was falling back, Shion slipping helplessly from his grasp, and he could only curse at what a freaking long fall it was going to be all the way from the top. The air was whistling past his ears, the ground rising up frighteningly to meet him; he had to move; he had to move now, God dammit!

**_Fufufu_**, **poor**,** poor human**, **if you don't hurry**, **your neck will go snap and you'll go splat**! a girlish voice cooed with devilish glee in his ears, the world slowing suddenly to a crawl before his eyes.

What the hell? Who's that? Who the hell are you? Naruto shouted back urgently in his thoughts.

**_Mou_**, **and I really wanted to play with the Uchiha**-**mortal too**. **He's a funny one**, **don't you think so**?

You --- You're the Damned Fox!

**So you do have a brain**, **worm**.

Oh, shut it; look, can't you do something to help?

**Help**? **Me**?

Think about you dumb killer loligothic-vixen! I'm your freaking container. If I go _splat_, you go _splat _too. If you're ever going to get out my belly, it's going to be with my help! Use your brain, you got one too, don't you?

**_Fufufu_**, **very well**, **hu-man**; **I shall grant you **--- **a boon and in exchange**, **you shall owe me a favor**.

Gah! Just do something, dammit; the ground's right there! Naruto pleaded desperately.

Years from now, the hyperactive number one unpredictable _nin_ would look back and admonish himself with great dismay. It was a foolish bargain, an utterly stupid, retarded deal to make in the heat of the moment. But, hey, he did not know what he was capable of back in the day, and he was scared to death! So, of course, he was bound to do something plain stupid.

Note to self: Never make a deal with a Demon. No matter how smart you think you are, they'll find a way to come back and bite you in the ass later, literally.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 5 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas, because it's only gonna get better from here.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 06:

Assassinations --- Oh I My Me?

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Oh, shut it; look, can't you do something to help?

**Help**? **Me**?

Think about you dumb killer loligothic-vixen! I'm your freaking container. If I go _splat_, you go _splat _too. If you're ever going to get out my belly, it's going to be with my help! Use your brain, you got one too, don't you?

**_Fufufu_**, **very well**, **hu-man**; **I shall grant you **--- **a boon and in exchange**, **you shall owe me a favor**.

Gah! Just do something, dammit; the ground's right there! Naruto pleaded desperately.

Years from now, the hyperactive number one unpredictable _nin_ would look back and admonish himself with great dismay. It was a foolish bargain, an utterly stupid, retarded deal to make in the heat of the moment. But, hey, he did not know what he was capable of back in the day, and he was scared to death! So, of course, he was bound to do something plain stupid.

Note to self: Never make a deal with a Demon. No matter how smart you think you are, they'll find a way to come back and bite you in the ass later, literally.

* * *

CRACK!

Thud.

Oh, the sweet sound of revenge, and how smoothly arranged too. Even though the law was on their side now, he still preferred to do things, professionally. Clean: out of sight, out of mind, and to the authorities, an unfortunate accident of the poor Kyuubi brat plummeting to his death of a broken neck. It was almost --- poetic really.

The three men stood a silent vigil over the cooling body at the foot of Hero's Memorial, the air eerily still, as blood pooled into the cracks left by the impact; paling blue eyes that would never shine again, the white T-shirt stained with red. It had been a rather spectacular fall, and just some distance away, a thick book lay discarded, the corpse's possession. They were all similarly dressed, faceless assassins hidden by behind the guises of gas masks, combat fatigues, camouflaged vests, and black boots.

"_Oi_, Boss, is it dead?" rasped one of the dark men aloud to his comrades.

"_Kukuku_, wot ye think, Right?" the Boss replied sordidly with a cackle.

"Feh, it's dead, Left. Demon or no Demon, the body is still _only _human," answered Right, crossing his arms gruffly over his vest.

Left nodded his assent for it was reasonable enough argument. To be honest, he did not expect the job to go this smoothly, and in a way, he was amazed by the perversion of their black deed. The beautiful and righteous "Konoha" had asked _them_, murderers, the scum of the earth they so detested, to dispose of Her bastard son, the pariah, Uzumaki Naruto --- Vessel of _Kyuubi no Kitsune_, an unwitting child of no more than twelve years. The Boss had been delighted by the request as soon as it arrived this morning, and lit out like a bat out of hell, laughing all the way. It was all they could do just to keep up with him, though what he found so funny remained to be discovered.

They were the Testaments of Death: Left, Boss, and Right. From what humble beginnings they came from, they had long forgotten in their neurosis of normality. Superego, Ego, and Id: how they ever managed to function on their own was a mystery that they had yet to find the answer to, but somehow, they had found each other, and interestingly enough, fit together like pieces of a puzzle, making one whole. Therefore, the reason why they were all together, here and now, in this "venerated" place.

A place in the Bingo Book they had earned, but they had learned to kill discreetly, so as to draw attentions elsewhere.

"Hmph-hehehee, Konoha's no different from the rest of the ugly, beautiful world. The whore pretties herself up in finery, ethics, and morality, but a whore is still a whore, and she will dash the brains of even the babe born of her own breast," sneered Boss in a song-a-song tone of voice. He really did love his poetry cold and his drama hot.

Right grunted derisively, a sign that his patience wore thin, "Why, wait? Take his head!"

"No, leave **it **alone; we mustn't-!" Left barked harshly at his other half, before a sudden gasp interrupted their rapport.

The boy.

The boy was...

The boy was alive?

Red chakra?

It was an unspoken agreement that the mission was a failure, and they wisely returned to the Dark. No matter, there would be other opportunities, and besides, they truly did their best work in the Dark. Uzumaki Naruto --- had turned out to be an interesting mark, indeed.

* * *

Naruto wretched and wheezed terribly. He felt like crap. Pins and needles of pain exploded like fireworks in his muddled brain, as the bone and delicates tendons popped and twisted, resetting his neck back into its original state. The darkness had been unbearable, absolute nothingness, but now that he was back again, he had to wonder if this is what they called "the pain of living," the first breath of life?

Holy Zen, that sucked!

The blonde-haired boy ignored the last flickering traces of crimson energy, burning away like mist in the rays of the sun, as he sat himself up to survey the damage. Oh, how the heck was he going to clean this mess up? His blood was all over the polished stone foundation of the monument, and when he hit the deck, he had left a nasty crack in the precious stuff too. Man, this was so not his day!

"Buddha, where the hell's Shion? She'd know some kind of _jutsu _to clean this up," Naruto wondered, searching about frantically until he spotted his precious guidebook on the ground, and none the worse for wear.

When he hauled her up, Shion greeted him in almost rapid-fire "glomp" of words upon her pages, "Na-Naru-to...? MM-MASTER! My --- My Master, you're --- you're alive! Thank Goodness! I thought that...ohhhh, bless you, My Master; bless you."

"Hey-hey, glad to hear someone's happy to see me alive."

"B-But, My Master, how did you survive? I thought those men had gotten you for sure..."

"Uh, well... Oh no. Nononononononononono! I did not do something that stupid!"

"My Master? What's --- what's wrong?"

"Ehehe, Shion, I think --- I think I really died just now. The thing is, I made a deal with the Kyuubi, so...um, she brought me back to life. Funny, huh?"

Note to self: Dying really sucks!

"Master... Oh no, if you've done this deed, then that means..." Shion words wavered, as an eerie presence darkened their midst.

Naruto frowned, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could deny it all he wanted, and sit here all day, forcing himself not to turn around. However, considering the person waiting behind him was a super killer ancient kickass nine-tailed demon fox, waiting the storm out really was not much of an option. Regretfully, he turned his head about, swearing to Buddha that he absolutely would not freak out over a cheap scare.

"Hul-lo, **Naruto-human**, _fufufufu_," the Kyuubi greeted him in all her killer loligothic glory. Her voice, laced with malice, was no longer a distant roaring rumble, like a volcano exploding, but had now gained an unerring chilling quality.

Naturally, he freaked out, clutching Shion close as if she were a safety blanket, "GAH! No freaking way!"

"You died, Naruto-human. The impact killed you instantly, your neck went splat. So I had to give you life using my chakra; shame I don't have your soul yet, but your life as you know it, belongs to me now, _stupid _human."

"OhmyBuddha-OhmyBuddha-OhmyBuddha-OhmyBuddha-OhmyBuddha! Holy Zen, how the heck did I set you free? This is bad; this is really, really bad-_dattebayo_!"

"_Fool_, I'm not free --- at least not yet. This is but an apparition; however, to you," in a completely unexpected move that left him frozen by her very approach, Kyuubi bent down and licked his lips, "I'm quite real... See?"

Turning redder than a tomato, Naruto gagged frightfully, rubbing at his mouth as if he were poisoned, "Bleh! Y-You pervert! What the hell was that for?"

"_Ho_, Pervert? Me?"

"Invasion of personal space, sexual harassment: big, big, no-no's! You pervert fox!"

The blood-stained waif of a girl cackled madly in reply, a bemused glint in her inhuman eyes, "S-Silly human, hahahha, what a silly human!"

Picking up on this momentary distraction, Naruto quickly performed a quick _bunshin_ and body substitution with his now bloody shirt, leaving the clone behind in his place. Shirtless, with Shion tucked in the crook of his arm, he sprinted for the town, his legs pumping in a near blur, as he left a dustbowl in his wake. The blonde-haired boy had never been more frightened and creep'd out in his life, and he wanted to put as much distance between himself and the Kyuubi. Unfortunately, he had forgotten a rather crucial fact: Kyuubi shared the same body as he, and wherever he went so would she.

Running away from the problem was completely futile.

* * *

Konoha.

Was the hellish visage that greeted him every turn Konoha? The true form of the Hidden Village of Leaf that he had never sought in even his most vivid and wild of dreams? No, this could not be true for this place was not even fit for human beings! At every turn, black writhing shapes and "boogiemen" lurked just at the corner of his vision, their hideous unearthly reflection visible in passing windows and panes of glass that nobody seemed to see. Eyes and teeth smiled at him from every shadow, begging him to look back, as an eerie electric hum filled his ears.

Naruto slammed his eyes shut in denial and kept running. What in Buddha's name was going on? What was he seeing? Hell, what was happening to him? He needed answers, dammit; from somewhere, anywhere; someone had to be able give him some kind of explanation for all of this...

Wait, that's right; he had Shion! Why did he think to ask her sooner? Yes, Shion would know, especially since she had eaten the Forbidden Scroll, she was now probably the smartest book in the world. Ha, what an idiot he was not to have thought of such an obvious answer to all of his problems!

With a grin, he ducked into a sheltered alley, ignoring the disgusted hateful stares from passing pedestrians in his wake. So what if he was shirtless? Big deal; he was perfectly comfortable in his own skin. Why should he be afraid of it?

"Shion! Shion! _Oi_, Shion, _dattebayo_!" he cried frantically, flipping open her pages.

Shion was quite bewildered once again to meet him so suddenly, though absently, Naruto noted that perhaps when her cover was closed, she lost all contact with the outside world. It was only in his hands as he read her words that her connection was completed, "M-My Master, what is wrong? What happened? I lost you suddenly when-!"

Of course, he knew it was rude to cut her off, but he needed answers now, dammit! Naruto told her everything that happened during her brief disconnection; everything, and when he was done, Shion could only reply in her words, laced with dread:

"My Master, I am sorry. So sorry. This is all my fault. If only I had noticed..."

"Oh Buddha, Shion, don't beat yourself up over it," Naruto shook his head in dismay, "I --- I know I died. It's hard to believe looking back... But falling from that high up and landing on my neck...well, I died... BUT NOW --- now, I'm alive again because of the Kyuubi. She said --- she said my life belonged to her now. And these things, these things I'm seeing-! It's --- it's just too much! C-Can't you tell me something? Anything at all? What's happening to me, dammit?"

"I --- this is only speculation, My Master --- but, it is likely this is another part of your _Awakening_."

"'_Awakening_'? What's that? **Hell**, what's that got to do with anything?"

"That is..."

"That is _Hitsuzen_ --- or in simpler terms, fate - _unmei_!" a woman's voice proclaimed aloud suddenly.

Somebody had found. He was not alone, anymore. But who? Who would come for Uzumaki Naruto in his hour of need? No one. Uzumaki Naruto was an anathema, always alone, and though he had been acknowledge today, perhaps for the first time, he would always have to stand alone. So what was this supposed to be --- some kind of a joke? He had to see! He had to see for himself.

Turning about face, Naruto was thunderstruck, his blue eyes widening with awe. A familiar warmth wormed its way into his gut, like deja vu, an abrupt disconnect-reconnect of his brain, for he knew he had seen this before --- somewhere in his foggy past. Before he could even attach a proper name to her, the blonde-haired boy had already decided on a suitable substitute until it came to him: "The Lady" for surely she must be one to be able to make plain clothes appear as royal garments upon her perfect person. The snug dark trousers patterned with sickle moons, the white chemise unbuttoned just low enough for a hint of sultry hint of cleavage, the attractive high heels, and the red ribbon tied about her throat like a choker, all served solely the noble purpose of accenting her beauty.

Her long glossy raven hair done up in a high ponytail, gleaming sepia-hued irises with a hint of danger, and the ethereal smile upon her lips drew him in, taking back down memory lane. Something bubbled to the surface, hazy, yet he could recall having met her before at her estate; she was taller then, but still the same ageless beauty. In five years time, Ichihara Yuuko had not change at all, the first person to truly acknowledge him.

"_Hitsuzen_ --- a naturally foreordained event," she narrated sagely to him, " a state in which other outcomes are impossible; a result which can only be obtained by a single causality, and other causalities would necessarily create different results; so reads the Kodansha Japanese desk dictionary, second edition."

Naruto gulped, hugging Shion a bit closer as he felt vulnerable, naked, beneath the ethereal woman's gaze, "Is --- is that really you, Yuuko-_onee_...Yuuko-san?"

"_Ho_, no more '_Yuuko-oneesan_'? After five years, this is the first decent conversation I have with you, and this is how you treat me, Na-ru-to-kun? _Mou_, you really know how to break a girl's heart, you scoundrel!"

"B-But, Yu-Yuuko-san, I..."

"Bah, what a troublesome boy. I leave you only just for a day, and already you go off and get yourself killed without my permission by assassins, enter into a contract with an otherworldly being without consulting an expert, and sell your life in the same stroke! Honestly, are you trying to make things difficult for yourself on purpose, Young Uzumaki?"

"H-Huh?"

"Tsk-tsk, and now, you're crying over being able to finally to see another facet of the Truth around you."

"Th-The Truth! H-How does any of those --- th-those things out there have to do with the truth?"

"I told you before, Naruto-kun, '_There's more to this world than just what your senses can perceive_.' In exchange for your death, you have gained something in return, a new kind of perception that most humans never attain. Of course, there are some downsides to it, isn't that right, _Kyuubi_-chan?"

The chilling growl erupted suddenly in the alley, blasting a flagrant gale screaming of discord throughout the intimate space. Warily, Kyuubi padded out from behind a vending machine that could not have humanly hid her presence, and yet it had done so, her mass of tails writhing angrily in the air, like serpents. Tears of blood dribbled down the side of her snarling human visage, bursting into flame as soon as they hit the ground. She was an inhuman creature beyond his comprehension, and it frightened Naruto all the more so. If the Kyuubi had bothered to at least appear as some giant demonic fox, he might have been able to accept the situation a bit better, but instead, she appeared as a caricature of humans, a pale merciless mockery --- and perhaps, worse, an omen of what he could become.

"**Witch **--- _majou_ --- you dare to interfere?" the demonic girl-child hissed at Yuuko, bearing her fangs in a snarl.

Naruto gasped, all the blood draining from his face, as he felt a perceptible electric chill press down --- no --- it was flattening the entire alley, but who was causing it? "A --- a w-witch?"

"_Oh-hohohoho_, aren't you a feisty little thing?" Yuuko chuckled girlishly back at Kyuubi, unaffected by the chill he perceived in the air, "You do know it's not polite to blurt out other people's secrets without their permission, _ne_, _youko_?"

"_Rrrrr_, the boy --- IS --- mine, Witch! His life belongs to me now, for my blood flows through his veins, and without it, he will die."

"_Oooo_, I see now. No wonder Naruto-kun's senses have opened up so much, not only has he brushed with death, but he has your blood in his veins too; how very clever. Of course, you conveniently _forgot_ to explain any of the specifics of your blood contract, and the liabilities it entails, such as the fact that everything ugly-and-goes-bump-in-the-night or some riff-raff with barely an ounce of talent, within a thousand kilometer radius, is going to come hunting for him, drawn by his --- no --- _your_ blood?"

"_Feh_, let them come! This hovel of _humans_, Konohagakure, is a cesspool of corruption, festering in the defiled earth, that I intended to erase twelve years ago. Konoha must _burn _into ashes and dust!"

"Oh, be my guest, I'm not so arrogant as to stand in the way of _Gaia_ and _Alaya_. After all, it is only _hitsuzen_..." Yuuko paused abruptly, her sepia-hued eyes flashing with a cold glint of steel, "...But, **leave **Naruto-kun out of your vendetta."

Kyuubi sneered, standing upright on her feet, her feral expression illuminated by the curtain of flames upon the molten pavement, created by her tears. She was not frightened at all by the implicit threat in the witch's words, if anything she was excited by the danger:

"And what do you think you can do to stop me, Witch?"

"Three mistakes, _fuufufufu_."

"Hnnn?"

Yuuko held up a finger admonishingly with a facetious smile upon her luscious lips, "First, I'm not just _any_ witch. Secondly, Naruto-kun's already in a contract with my enchanting, wonderful self, has been for five years running now, in fact. Thirdly, I'm more sexy than you are."

Naruto...

...sweatdropped.

A ton of conspiracies and "loose ended" information had just been dumped on his plate, and it was driving him up the wall, floundering like a cornered madman. He did not understand. He did not understand any of this --- the things Kyuubi and Yuuko spoke of --- what the hell were they even talking about? Contracts? Blood? Witches? Boogie men? Corruption? _Gaia_? _Alaya_? _Hitsuzen_?

Kyuubi growled indignantly, raw traces of embers and heat sparking across her bloodstained blond hair that was igniting sporadically, as if it were about to set itself ablaze. There was murder in her inhuman eyes, but abruptly, a flash of recognition, of reason resonated in her smoldering irises, widening with shock. She gaped in disbelief, and then just as suddenly, spat at her feet with a snarl, retreating --- her body fading into smoky wisps of crimson.

"Good, that's settled, all nice and neat. _Ooooo_, what a day! Let's go home then, Naruto-kun; I'm starving!" Yuuko called to him happily, beckoning him to follow in her leisurely stroll.

Scarcely could he believe his own eyes: had the great infernal_ Kyuubi no Kitsune_ just ran away? Unbelievable.

* * *

Yuuko's mansion was a welcome sight indeed, a sign that he was home free for the most part. The "boogie men" had not gone away; in fact, they had dogged him all the way back until the perimeter of the gates where they hastily dispersed with a fearful yowl. The reason why they had not outright tried to attack him probably had something to do with the Lady, he suspected, for wherever she did tread, the things shied away at her very presence. There was no easy explanation he could grasp for all the events thus far, but Naruto had the sinking feeling that for the foreseeable future he was going to be heavily indebted AND reliant on his client's help just to survive a day in his "new" life.

But, first things first: Maru and Moro, he really did not know what to make of them. The girls had burst into tears and nearly suffocated him to death with a technique he quickly dubbed "The Twin Flash Love-Love Hug Combination Attack," before manhandling him yet again straight to the bathhouse, leaving Shion in Yuuko's care at the last second. What followed was another repeat of this morning, much to his embarrassment once more, and an additional tussle for his uneaten _bento_, wherefore he was reduced to the status of a repentant elder brother apologizing to his young teary-eyed sisters, swearing he would eat two _bento_ tomorrow just to make up for past wrongs. Apparently, his words worked like a charm, and they immediately gave him a second dosage of "The Twin Flash Love-Love Hug Combination Attack."

Dressed now in a humble _yukata_, and suitably recovered from another brush with loving death, Naruto found himself summoned to the living room --- which had direct access to the veranda with a fascinating view of the garden, by the way --- to meet his client. Apparently fresh out of the bath's herself, though he knew not when she had gone in, Yuuko proudly lounged --- or should he say --- _displayed_ herself upon the ornate divan across from him in little more than a bathrobe and a towel, leaving very, very little to the imagination. Looking back into the past, his older self would confess with a goofy, red-faced grin that she was the ultimate inspiration for his most infamous technique, and the reason why he decided to ghost write for the _Icha Icha_ series, which over saw a massive revolution in character development, plot, and of course, perversion:

The _Sexy no Jutsu_, AKA The _Oiroke no Jutsu_, which would later lead to the development of the --- _Harem no Jutsu_!

No matter how much Jiraiya would boast and cry in his later years, it was Ichihara Yuuko who was the root of corruption that turned him into...

No, not a mere pervert.

No, not a super pervert, like Ero-sennin, whom he had yet to meet.

No!

Uzumaki Naruto was an Ultra Pervert (and damned proud of it too because women were made for fighting and loving, baby; LOVE and COURAGE)!

But that was something far in the future, yet unknown, so back to the story...

The girlish giggling coming from Yuuko, snapped him out of his bedazzled daze. He could feel the stinging heat rising in his face that let Naruto know that he was positively blushing red, and the small logical side of him barked that it probably had something to do with the topic of adolescence, which Shion had briefly covered about a year ago. She would have liked to have gone deeper into the subject, but alas, it was a topic the editors promised that would be covered more in the future. Needless to say, the topic never came up again, and now, Naruto could only curse (and squirm beneath the Lady's hot, sultry gaze) for being caught figuratively on the wrong foot once more.

"As much as I enjoy watching you squirm, Na-ru-to-_chan_," Yuuko cooed to him in mellifluous tones that only drove his pride deeper through the dirt, much to his private chagrin, "We've got much to talk about before dinner, business before --- alas --- _pleasure_, _fufufu_, a necessary evil I'm afraid for us adults. Though bear in mind, I cannot answer all your questions for some things you must discover your own meaning, but I will promise you this much...

He would always take these words in particular to heart.

"In this world, there are many strange things. However, no matter how strange or bizarre a sight is, if there is no one there, if there is no one to see it, if people are not involved, it is just a simple phenomenon. Just something that happens. That is because --- in this world, people are the strangest beings.

Come to think of it...

"Uzumaki. Naruto. I charge you: remember the bond between us. The bond between us had already been born. No matter how small a meeting or incident is, it will always have an influence. No matter how short the time was, the bond won't disappear. All of the incidents that occur within the world have a meaning.

She...

"There is also a meaning to our meeting, to your sorrow. So remember."

In the darkest of moments, he always remembered her, the reason to keep living in this ugly, beautiful world...

...not that he would ever be able to quite admit it to her with a straight face, despite his repeated confessions and her repeated laughter --- _every _bloody time.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 6 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. On the subject of "BE-LIEVE IT" and "-dattebayo," yes-yes I know about the whole big controversy over their/its usage, but to be frank, folks, I really do not care terribly for cannon-isms, as that's a rather close-minded way of thinking. As far as I'm concerned, it is best to have fun, be creative, and if you've got the skills, feel free to ring cannon by its prissy little neck, and do things your own way (though if you suck, you're probably better off sticking closer to the numbers then). 'sides, I do like the utterly bombastic, over-the-top one-liner that is "BE-LIEVE IT!" that they added to Naruto's vocabulary; puts him one-step closer to the Gods that are Gai-sensei and Lee.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 07:

Getting Used to the New Life

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"There is also a meaning to our meeting, to your _sorrow_. So remember."

In the darkest of moments, he always remembered her, the reason to keep living in this ugly, beautiful world...

...not that he would ever be able to quite admit it to her with a straight face, despite his repeated confessions and her repeated laughter --- every bloody time.

* * *

Waking up in the morning in his new bedroom, and getting "abducted" yet again by an angel and her demonic sister was a shock that Naruto supposed he would have to get acclimated to, among other things. He swore Maru and Moro absolutely loved watching him squirm and blush, just as much as Yuuko --- "The Mistress" as she was known to them. Absently, the demon container noted that he recalled he was supposed to skip breakfast this morning for some vague reason, but hey, if nobody noticed, it was all just the same.

Armed and properly attired in a variation of his usual outfit, now sporting shuriken/kunai holsters, a utility vest loaded with goodies, and Iruka-sensei's forehead protector, Naruto figured he looked pretty swell. He had prepared as best as he could the night before, in the small gap of time he had before curfew, much to his dismay, and was confident he could tackle on whatever diabolical machinations Kakashi had planned. Of course, the girls had to just helpfully remind him the sticking point:

A pair of slim-line spectacles that he imagined gave him a scholarly --- look.

A double-set _bento_ lunch.

Oh, and a message from The Mistress, stating he take caution for today and that Shion was still at an acquaintance, undergoing her "tune up" and "overhaul upgrades." Everything was going on his tab, so expect a lot of extra chores to do once he got back from "fooling" around with "The Scarecrow, the Fangirl, and the Avenger." Oh, and do not go dilly-dallying anywhere; the only safe place in the world for him right now was "home" until he learned how to properly defend himself.

Naruto sighed heavily, storing the _bento_ away in his storage scroll, before slipping on the spectacles, much to the appreciative squeals of Maru and Moro:

"I'm leaving."

"Have a nice day, Naruto-kun!" the girls echoed in a sing-a-song tone of voice.

* * *

He did not know whether to be glad or sorry that all signs of his unintentional bloody desecration had been wiped clean of the Hero's Memorial. There was not even dent anywhere... The big question was: "Who dunnit?" Bah, it was too early in the morning for conspiracies, dammit!

Training Field 7.

Not a soul in sight, and the sun was still fireball rising in the west, unless his eyes dared to deceive him. Naruto shook his head, and picked out a spot to plop himself down to watch the sunrise, namely beneath the shade of the impressive tree-line close to the lake. He had a lot of things to think about, the glasses for starters, as the events of last night came back to him.

After having told Yuuko all he could recall of the day's events, the woman had it made very clear to him that he had still much to learn of the ways of the _worlds_. Yes, she had said _worlds _instead of world, and when he had tried to ask her what she meant by that, Yuuko had given him a vague chuckle, stating that it would be lesson he would learn later. She was mum on the fact he had died and made a contract with the demon fox, but was more concerned about the identities of his assassins, who would have succeeded in their purpose had it not been for Kyuubi.

Luckily, his blood contract to the Kyuubi was subordinate to his contract with her, so she was not terribly concerned about it. Though, when he inquired about what she meant about his contract with her, the Lady gave him another vague chuckle, saying he would recall when the time was right. This mansion was a shop, a shop that sold wishes, and there was no wish she had yet failed to grant, to make the wish come true.

Naruto did not have a clue what she meant by that, but Yuuko quickly moved on, warning him to be weary for his killers would likely return when the next opportunity arose. Of course, now that he knew of their existence, they would be much more careful about their movements, though with his current level of ability, Naruto would be hard pressed to put any kind of resistance. After all, they had sealed his fate before he even had a chance to fight back, so getting stronger was a priority.

Speaking of strength, Yuuko promised that she would teach him what he needed to know to survive in his new business, and that she had sent Shion off to a friend for an "overhaul." In his brief absence in the bathhouse, his only friend had, apparently, agreed to some sort of deal with the Lady that would make her more "useful" to him. Naruto did not know how to react, honestly; at first, he had been angry she would take such initiative without speaking of it to him first, but then he realized, he really could not fault her.

Shion was only trying to look out for him, just like earlier that day when he had snapped at her. Of course, he was going to follow through on his promise to speak with her about Kyuubi, but now that she was gone, he supposed it would have to wait. Again, Yuuko had been vague on how long "The Book" would be gone, but she would return to his side surely as soon as the final adjustments were made to the motion data, incorporating mystic theory, wiring ether circuits, blah-blah, preparing the "D1 Prototype Module"...

Whatever that meant...

Anyways, Yuuko explained to him was what going to him from now on; it was really long convoluted talk that completely escaped his comprehension that Naruto was able to grasp about this much:

1. Thanks to his sudden death and the Kyuubi's blood now flowing his veins, Naruto had entered a new phase of his _Awakening_, somewhat sooner then expected, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.

2. Unfortunately, since this happened so soon, he was still too weak and too young to handle the huge responsibility the Truth entailed.

3. Therefore, she would grant him an early-bird present: glasses.

4. These "Mystic Eyes Killer" glasses, an item made from _blue_ magic, would suppress his newly gifted "talents," and were also enchanted with a _kekkai_ --- or barrier --- that should hopefully deter most unsavory "characters" that should try seek him out.

5. However, the glasses were only empowered so long as he wore them.

6. Also, the glasses only crippled his ability to "see" the Truth, while all his other senses could still perceive the Truth just fine, such as his nose. The Truth was still there, so he would do well to take caution.

7. Otherwise, his apprenticeship as a "Contractor" would begin as soon as Shion returned as a full-fledged grimoire.

8. Oh, and those idiots who "killed" him? Well, they'll be back, so he'd better take better care of himself from now on.

Right...

It was all very mystical and "hocus-pocus" to Naruto's ears, and he imagined what the Kyuubi had said the other day was true. True, but hard to believe: Ichihara Yuuko, a witch? The existence of magic? Hell, the existence of...well, those _things _were real. In fact, if he took of these glasses now...

"Oh, why the _hesitation_, Naruto-human?" an intimate feminine voice hissed in his ear.

Abruptly, the blonde-haired boy jerked his hand away, as if he were burned, his body reacting on instinct, trying to kip-up from his vulnerable prone position. However, it was much too late for he was straddled and forcefully pinned to the ground. The pair of clawed hands digging into his wrists were more than enough confirmation, but was it really necessary for her to put her face so close to his so that she was practically breathing down his neck. Never mind he was being pinned down by a supposedly insubstantial little girl, well, a demonic little girl, who was but an apparition, a reputed figment of his hyperactive imagination!

"_Hu_-llo, Naruto-human. Did you miss me?" Kyuubi grinned at him, bearing her fangs openly with glee at his expense.

Naruto snorted as derisively as he could, trying to put up a tough act, though it was half-hearted at best. She had him good, her death grip unshakeable, and much like the girls back at the mansion, the demon waif of a girl seemed to possess a disproportionate amount of strength to her thin frame. He was really, really uncomfortable, to say the least, the heat in his cheeks a testament to his embarrassment and private shame.

"_Anou sa_, I think, this constitutes assault here, if not attempted statutory rape against a minor, you bitch-fox!"

"_Ho_, are you trying to make me laugh again, _bouya_? So you can --- _run away_, just like before?"

"_Che_...!"

"You're afraid of little old me, aren't you, Naruto-human?"

"U-Ugh, get real! Why --- why would I be afraid of you? You're not even real! You said so yourself; you're an ap-apparition! N-Nothing more! Just something --- something crazy only I can see."

"Oh? Is that so? You seem to have a rather short memory, _fufufufu_. Is this what _humans _call '**denial**'?_ Kukuku_, very well, then allow me to --- **demonstrate**."

Splatter.

Cerulean blue eyes quivered in shock, disbelieving, utterly unable to cope with what he was experiencing. The scattered splashes of blood on his face, still warm, and the eerie primal crimson slithering down his seized arm from where his hand was buried through her scarcely clothed body, right where her heart resided. Impossibly grinning, though she had pierced her chest with his own hand, a mortal wound; Kyuubi laughed at him, her golden-red eyes smoldering with madness.

"Feel _that_, Naruto-human? The throb of life; the champagne of sweet blood; fresh and hot? See; I'm _real_. But, what about **you**? Are you certain **you** are _real_ and not the apparition, **mor**-**_tal_**?"

It was too much, too soon, and at this point, Naruto figured now was a good time to pass out, a notion that his mind and body happily agreed by knocking him the hell out.

* * *

Ah, the bliss of oblivion...

"_Oi_, loser, wake up," somebody called to him.

So sweet...

"Hey, loser, I said, '_wake up_'."

So pleasant...

"Hnnnn..."

So-!

STOMP.

"GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Naruto howled in agony, curling up immediately into a fetal position, his hands moving to shield his tender loins.

"Hmph, serves you right for not listening to Sasuke-kun, Naruto-_baka_!" a girl's voiced mocked him angrily, and judging by the prissy tone, he identified it as Haruno Sakura.

Alas, Kakashi's distant baritone interjected, before he had a chance to snap back a hot retort at the pink-haired wench, "_Oiiii_, you two done playing around? Get Naruto over here already so we can start this show."

"Stand, _dobe_. We're going," Sasuke commanded him, a flicker of bemusement in the haughty boy's eyes, before he strode off towards wherever their Jounin-sensei was.

Naturally, Sakura squealed at the command of her heart's desire, following after Sasuke-bastard enthusiastically, like some pet puppy. Fuming in misery, Naruto grudgingly rose and made to follow, albeit at his own tortured pace. He had never been more humiliated in his life, and if he ever found out who the hell had the guts to kick him in the nuts, just to wake him up, so Buddha help them --- he was going to return the favor with _interest_.

Anyways, Kakashi was to be found waiting for them at the center of the field. The sun had risen quite high in the sky, hinting that it would be noon in a little while by the blonde-haired boy's reckoning. A perfectly beautiful day, the air was calm and easy, and he was damned well going to make the best of it by showing up both Sasuke-bastard and Sakura in front of the _jounin_.

"Hm. Glasses, Naruto?" Kakashi unexpectedly broke the ice off-hand.

Surprised, Naruto did a double-take, before self-consciously reaching to push up his spectacles that he swore had slipped down the bridge of his nose. In his later years, many an acquaintance/admirer of his would note it was such a "manly/signature" gesture of his that literally spoke a thousand words, though in the case of the women and the girls, it usually left them swooning. For now, it was the beginnings of a "bad" habit that would follow him for the rest of his days:

"Yea-what, Kakashi-san?"

"_Heeeeeehhhh_? Oh my God, those are glasses!" Sakura shrieked, jolting back away from him, as if he were the plague, and edging so carefully next to her dear Sasuke. Yeah, as if her moves were oh-so-subtle! Freaking annoying Forehead Girl...

The bastard, on the other hand, was mum as usual, "_Che_..."

"Didn't know you wore glasses; looks different."

"Yeah-yeah, whatever; can't we save the chit-chat for later, Kakashi-san?"

"'_Kakashi_-_san_'? Hmmmm, I see."

"Hey, Naruto-_baka_, show some respect! Kakashi-sensei's our _jounin_-sensei. Sheesh, didn't your **mom **and **dad **ever teach you any manners?"

In a flash, he whirled on Sakura; something black and acid, burning his veins, threatening to erupt at any second. Hot and cold, ice and fire, Naruto could scarcely comprehend the convoluted torrent of feelings in the void of his heart, as he blasted the insolent girl with --- something --- something, _primal_, a murderous, malicious instinct. It would be later that he would learn from Shion that what he had used on Sakura was "killing intent": a raw, powerful emotion that given a great magnitude can manifest itself into a kind of negative _chakra_. If properly concentrated, the negative _chakra_ can be directed as a weapon and temporarily "short circuit" an opponent's (or multiple targets) _chakra_ coils, which in turn precipitates into devastating fear-inspired, paralyzing effects upon the target's mind and body.

It must have been by some divine intervention that he held his outrage in check, as Sakura stood numbly, a wordless scream in her quivering. He was clutching his fists together so tightly that he was literally drawing blood from his palms. Never before in his life would he have ever expected such bigotry to sprout from a mouth of someone his own age; it utterly, completely disgusted him. He wanted nothing more than to break every bone in the damned girl's body!

"You stupid, stupid _bitch_! And to think, I'm have to help you, **and **that arrogant _Uchiha-_bastard next to you, actually, _pass _this test," Naruto spat balefully, gritting his teeth in unbearable agony, before he forcefully tore his gaze away. Holy Zen, what a waste of time! Thank the Buddha for his special status; thank the Buddha that he would hopefully never have to work with Team Seven, ever, if he could help it. "F--K! This SUCKS. I don't even know why I bothered to show up!"

While the hyperactive _genin_ raged blindly, little did he know that the people around him were forming profound, new opinions of him: Haruno Sakura feared him, deeply. She had no clue what the hell the infamous dead-last kid had done to her, but she knew better than to piss him off now, and as far as she was concerned, he was the most frightening thing on the face of the Earth.

Uchiha Sasuke could scarcely believe his eyes behind his schooled facade. Was the person --- no --- the _killer _he just saw moments ago really Uzumaki Naruto, the laughing stock prankster of the Ninja Academy? Impossible, and how dare the _dobe_ presume he even need help passing Kakashi's test? Feh, he would show them all who was the strongest here.

Kakashi sighed internally, and wondered with great self-pity what he had done to deserve this? He would have stepped in, of course, if Naruto had tried to escalate things a bit more. It was obvious Sakura had hit a sharp nerve or two in her ignorance of the demon container's upbringing. She definitely needed some lessons in "looking underneath the underneath" because thoughtless actions like that were bound to get the girl killed in the future.

Needless to say, it was quite apparent that Naruto was a sensitive individual, and it would not be wise to anger him any further.

"All right, kiddies, let's do this," the silver-haired _jounin_ began, all-business, and apparently unfazed by the invisible violence that had just transpired before his one visible eye.

"About damned time," grumbled Naruto.

"I've set up an alarm clock back there by training dummies, set to go off at noon. I know, I told you all to be here bright and early at sunrise, no breakfast, and you've been starving for the past four hours. I got lost on the road to life, but hey, what can I say? Anyhow, this is but a taste of things to come, if you pass today's test, which brings us full circle to these lovely bells."

"Bells?" murmured Sakura, feeling some of her former confidence returning now that she had a task to put her energy towards.

"Your mission today is to retrieve these bells from me. Whoever fails to do so gets no lunch."

Pssh, so that's why he sabotaged us from the start, thought Sasuke with an internal scowl at the insufferable _jounin_, as his stomach and the infernal girl's stomach growled in unison. However, the proud Uchiha failed to notice Naruto's lack of reaction altogether in his spiteful contemplations, and whether Kakashi missed it as well remained to be seen. How clever...

"And just to sweeten the deal, I'm going to tie the unlucky one to those dummies over there and gobble up lunch right in front of you."

"B-But, Kakashi-sensei, how come there're only two bells?"

"Simple: at least one of you poor kids is going to have to suffer. That person failed to complete the mission and will thus be banished back to the Ninja Academy. Isn't that sweet?"

"_Che_, you're a bastard, Kakashi-san."

"Why, thank you, Naruto. Now, it might just be one or all three of you, but whatever happens, you're not going to get these babies unless you come at me with the will to kill. Do whatever it takes, I don't care."

"K-Kakashi-sensei, that's too dangerous!" protested Sakura. She really was quite naive.

Kakashi ignored her altogether and went right along, raising his hand up in preamble:

"We'll begin when I say start, 'kay? Ready?"

With varying degrees of readiness, the three _genin_ tensed up, poised for action. Their _jounin_-sensei be damned; the man had asked to get ripped apart in the first place. Nobody had any intention of failing, and they were going to give it everything they got against him.

"Good: _HAJIME_!"

* * *

Kakashi had to admit the smoke bombs were a pretty classy move. The brats, apparently, did learn something from the Ninja Academy, after all. It should not take too long for all the kiddies to get hidden nice and neat, so he could...

"Huh?"

"Yo," Naruto greeted him with a dastardly grin.

Internally, the silver-haired man could not believe the shear absurdity of the situation. One of the first rules of Ninja-Know-How was stealth, and here was Naruto, standing in broad daylight before him. Did the kid honestly expect to beat him in a face-to-face confrontation?

"Hmm, you're certainly different from the rest."

"_Aa_, I'm not worried about passing this test, Kakashi-san."

"I hope you can back up that arrogance because-"

"Psshh, I guess, you didn't hear from the higher-ups, did you?"

"Eh?" The higher-ups? What do they got to do with this?

"I'm only doing this for fun, Kakashi-san."

"For fun?"

"Yup, and right now, I'm all pissed and riled up, so why don't you show me what a _jounin_ can do, eh? Please, please, tell me, that moron, Mizuki, was just a joke!"

A challenge, eh? Kids these days need to calm down. Sorry, _sensei_. Sorry, Iruka-kun, Kakashi apologized in his heart, as he reached into his satchel and pulled out his copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_, I'm going have to take Naruto's ego down a few notches.

Wait, hold up --- did he say, Mizuki?

"What the? Man, a porn book at a time like this?" squawked the energetic blonde in disbelief.

"Why not? I'm curious as to how the story's gonna develop. Very _curious_..."

"_Che_, you're not taking me seriously at all?"

"Hmm, did I forget to mention when we all first met that I **hated **you guys?"

"How sweet, Kakashi-san!"

"_Hnn_, you're actually pretty mature, Naruto-kun. I think I'm starting to like you some. Anyways, we'll start with Ninja Know-How rule number one: _Taijutsu_. And don't worry about the book, either way the end is the same --- for you, that is."

"Bring it, Perv!"

With that much declared, Naruto charged right at him, whipping out a pair of kunai. A diversionary tactic, but a necessary evil all the same, Kakashi swayed aside, dodging the projectiles with the least amount of effort possible. The boy was a pretty good shot, contrary to the reports he had received, and his speed was pretty good too.

Now, then _taijutsu_...

"Sorry, Perv, but you're a bit too tall for your own good. Chew on this: _Hoerou_ - RAIJIN!"

KRA-TAKKKKK!

It was only instinct ingrained into his body by years of experiences that saved him, as Hatake Kakashi gazed coldly at the torched, smoking crater in front of him. The whole thing had transpired in a flash of madness, an explosive blast of lightning that actually left him a bit breathless. Embers floated about in the air from scraps of burning paper; pity that his only copy of Icha Icha Paradise did not survive with him. He had to hand it to Uzumaki Naruto because the kid really had to be Konoha's Number One Unpredictable Ninja to be able to surprise him, the Legendary Copy Ninja Kakashi.

"Aw, man, I missed?" Naruto groused at him from across the way, pocketing away the legendary weapon of the Nidaime Hokage. There were many questions he wanted to ask the boy, too many, but he supposed they would have to wait.

Kakashi pouted, "Naruto-_kun_, you weren't seriously trying to fry your cute _jounin_-sensei now, were you?"

"_You_, cute? No offense, Kakashi-_chan_, but I'm CUTER than you!"

That little prick... "Hmm, is that so? Still, I don't think I can ever forgive you for torching my copy of _Icha Icha Paradise _like that, Naruto-_kun_."

"Aww, too bad that was my trump card too," sighed the blonde-haired boy reluctantly, "Anyways, I swear, I'll pay you back for it, and I'm pretty satisfied with your performance, which proves there's more to _nindo_ then just flashy one-shot attacks!"

"Eh?"

"Just wait there, okay, Kakashi-_chan_? You've already proven yourself a lot stronger than Mizuki-_yarou_ was... I'll be right back with Sasuke-_teme_ and Sakura-hag, and we're gonna take those bells from you, BE-LIEVE IT!"

Again, about Mizuki...

Kakashi groaned inwardly. He should have known there was more to Iruka's funeral, and once again, his "long" ears had failed to pick up on any sort of conspiracy. Of course, it was not the first time his superiors had withheld information from him. ...He supposed he would just have to stop by the Hokage's office after this was all cleaned up.

"_Demo_, Naruto-_kun_, you don't expect me to let you go that easily do you?"

"No, but we've been expecting just that, right? Sakura! Sasuke!"

Holy Zen-!

The ominous whistles of air was about his only warning, as Kakashi hurriedly jerked back at the waist into a hasty back-flip, a gleam _kunai_ just barely kissing his cheeks. Kicking off the ground, a sensation of vertigo, he followed through with a grunt, tumbling back in retreat under a barrage of kunai and shuriken. Adrenaline flooded his hot veins, heightening his senses, as cold metal whistled through the air, pounding into the air in rapid back-to-back thuds, pushing him back. When the last one whizzed by, the _jounin_ planted his feet firmly into the dirt, skidding to a halt yards away from where he originally began.

"Now-_dattebayo_!" Naruto cried out.

The ground all around exploded in perfect unison, blinding him partially by the debris and dust as black shapes shot upwards, silhouetted against the sun. The abrupt motion drew his attention, a critical mistake on his part. A burst of killing intent from his periphery warned him just in time of other attackers charging him from all sides, leaving him no time to think. Whistles from above foretold of descending projectiles --- damned brats! --- and he grabbed the nearest black shadow, hauling the thing overhead as an impromptu shield.

Wait, he grabbed-?

Kakashi felt his heart nearly stop in horror, the sharp repeated rapport of kunai thudding into the body, as stunned blue eyes stared back at him. Time slowed to a crawl before his single eye; no, he did not expect this time. No, n-never; h-how could this be happening? This was --- this was...!

But then Naruto grinned, like a fox that had just caught a bird between its jaws:

"Just kidding!"

BLAMF!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 7 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne _/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 08:

The Aftermath

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Kakashi felt his heart nearly stop in horror, the sharp repeated rapport of kunai thudding into the body, as stunned blue eyes stared back at him. Time slowed to a crawl before his single eye; no, he did not expect this time. No, n-never; h-how could this be happening? This was --- this was...!

But then Naruto grinned, like a fox that had just caught a bird between its jaws:

"Just kidding!"

BLAMF!

* * *

I got punk'd...

When the dust settled, Kakashi was at a loss for words, as indignation warred with pride. He was pissed that he had fallen for such a dirty trick. However, he was also proud that they had managed to fool him, and squirrel away the bells in his shock, humbling him indeed. Standing across the way was probably the happiest bunch of _genin_ he had ever seen: Sakura, all starry-eyed at the bell dangling from her hands, while Sasuke smirked with a bell dangling from his fist.

As for Naruto, he was still wearing the same foxy grin as before, pushing up his glasses, "_Ne-ne_, so do we pass, Kakashi-san?"

The Copy Nin snorted, shaking his head, because for some reason his bones felt all weary and relieved at once. Could this be a sign that he was getting too old for this job? Why, he was only in his twenties for Buddha's sake!

"I guess, you did have something to back up that big mouth of yours, Naruto. Your tactics, coordination, and aggression: well done. You never gave me a chance to catch my breath once the terminal phase of your battle plan started."

"Like, duh! A _shinobi_'s most deadly weapon is up here!" Naruto tapped on his forehead.

Kakashi conceded his defeat, _humbly_, "_Aa_, that it is."

"_Yosh_! In that case, I guess, I'll be leaving now."

"Huh?"

"Leaving already, _dobe_?" Sasuke interjected promptly, stopping the blonde-haired boy in his tracks.

"_Che_, Holy Zen, Sasuke-_teme_, a little tact, won't kill you. I delivered as I promised, didn't I?"

"Hmph, I could've accomplished this on my own just fine, if the purpose of the exercise was not for us all to put aside our differences and work together as a team."

"Hmm, how did you guys figure that out?" asked Kakashi, masking his surprise by a deadpanned blink. "With the way, Sakura brilliant screwed your already screwed-up chemistry just before we started..."

The said pink-haired girl squawked rather embarrassedly at that remark, "Ka-K-Kakashi-sensei!"

"...I didn't think any of you would figure out today's lesson at all."

"Pshah, I figured it out yesterday, Kakashi-san!"

"Oh, you did, Naruto?" How did he do that exactly, though? I didn't give them any hints at all until before the test started.

"Ninja Know-How Lesson Number Sixty-Nine: '_Looking Underneath the Underneath_', a good _shinobi_ should never take a mission at just face value; there is more going on beneath the surface that meets the eye. Isn't that right, Kakashi-_chan_?"

Geez, I think that weird kid pretty much lost all of his respect for me. "Kakashi-_chan_"? Sheesh, that doesn't sound right at all coming from a guy, thought Kakashi dismally, "Hm, I see."

With that said, the impatient beat of Naruto's foot tapping the ground, hinted to him implicitly that the blonde-haired boy wanted to leave now. This was rather unfortunate as the Copy Nin was rather interested in unraveling the blonde-haired enigma before him. Oh well, he supposed it would have to wait for another time.

"So did we pass or what already, ya old perv?"

"Well, as much as I'd like to know how **you** managed to convince Sasuke and Sakura to work with you as a team..."

At this emphasis upon Naruto's authority, the other two in question hesitated visibly; their shoulders tensing up. The blonde-haired boy, however, simply smiled brighter than ever:

"That's easy: Force of Will. Coercion. Where reason fails, might makes right."

Kakashi blinked.

Holy Zen.

Did he just hear that, right?

"I told you before, didn't I, Kakashi-_chan_? I only came here to have fun! Didn't you know that Hokage-sama has granted me a super rare, super cool _Special Genin_ license, hehehe? So I figured I'd try something different for the hell of it."

There was a terrible cold feeling in the atmosphere, a profound emptiness that gripped all present, save for Naruto himself. The Uchiha survivor glared at him, a subtle tremble in his jaw, hinting in the burning ire beneath the cold facade. Sakura shook, lowering her gaze to the floor, unable to meet his foolish smile at all.

As for the Copy Nin, he barely managed to keep a straight face. Those words just now, though enlightening, were laced with a kind of merciless arrogance that had felt like a roundhouse to his guts. It sickened him and frightened him simultaneously.

"We're not quite a team yet. In fact, I doubt we'll ever be one because the truth is, ultimately, I **used** Sasuke-_teme_ and Sakura to my advantage," Naruto noted solemnly, all good cheer draining from his face. "Fail them, if you want to, Kakashi-san, but they were just following orders, **my **orders. When you're surrounded by say, a dozen or so odd _kagebunshin_, and after my demonstration of the Raijin, you think twice about pissing me off."

Kakashi blinked obliquely, masking his broiling emotions, "Hm, I see."

"Anyways, I'm getting the hell out of here, Kakashi-_chan_! And with any luck, we'll never have to work together again, because I've decided...

..._Minna wa --- kirai da_...

I hate you all.

"...see you around!"

And with that much said, the blonde-haired _nin_ disappeared in a gust of wind and leaves. What a show off. Then again, he probably deserved some praise in his own tyrannical way.

Blinking, Kakashi sighed inwardly and took stock of his remaining students. Sakura had collapsed to her knees, a wave of relief passing over her, as she groaned pitifully. Surprisingly, even the uptight Uchiha kid, Sasuke relaxed "openly," that is in a subtle gesture of easing his hands into the pockets of his shorts.

"Good work, you two. I think, we all deserve a little celebration, my treat," he offered them both in consolation, turning about to face the Hero's Memorial, as they stared at his back in various degrees of emotion.

Almost too naturally, the first to speak up was the cynical Uchiha, suspicion laden in his voice:

"And why is that, Kakashi?"

Man, this brat had even less respect for him, so it seemed. Heck, why were these kids even using his first name? Oh, whatever; like it really matters all that much compared to the importance of this very moment.

"After all, I think we just found ourselves a very _interesting_ kind of guy, don't you two think so?"

Uzumaki Naruto, a riddle waiting to be unraveled, and Kakashi could hardly wait to get started.

* * *

Pride.

Disgust.

Those two words perfectly described his mood, as he sat at a public bench at the vista provided by the Hokage Monument, chowing down on lunch. The food tasted great, a well-earned reward for his efforts, so he thought. However, Naruto could not drag his mind away from the dark doubts that settled over his person like a suffocating miasma of black.

Yes, he was damned happy that he had beaten the pervert _jounin_, and outsmarted the man at his own game. Served Kakashi right for underestimating him, the Great Uzumaki Naruto-sama: mwahahahahah! But --- the methods --- the methodology he had used to achieve his goal was far from his taste. He had used human beings like pawns again, manipulated them, just like that time Iruka-sensei and Mizuki. The only difference here was that nobody had died through his manipulation, and granted he had not liked either Sasuke or Sakura, his declaration just some time ago effectively burning his bridges with them, but...

"Dammit, what kind of a person am I becoming?" Naruto grumbled to himself, packing up the _bento_ and spiriting it away back into his handy storage scroll.

Though his words were meant for his ears alone, someone else was more than happy to provide **her **own commentary on the matter, particularly from her unique perspective:

"Isn't it obvious, Naruto-human? A monster, or would you prefer, a **demon**?"

"Pffttt! K-K-Kyuubi?"

Yep, there she was perched on the protective railing, like an acrobat, swaying this way and that gleefully, with each step she took, her many tails lashing out in rhythm as a counter balance. What in Buddha's name was she doing here for? Had she not had enough tormenting him already?

"A supreme being manifested of nature and the will of the earth, capable of disregarding all human conventions, all emotion, all contradiction to accomplish a goal, regardless of the cost. Passionate and dispassionate in a flash, creation through destruction, the old giving way to the new."

"H-Huh?"

"You asked, and I gave you an answer, think about it, won't you, _kukuku_?"

Before he could even think of a retort, she was gone, a ghost carried away by the wind. A demon, him? Stupid demon fox, what kind of ideas was she trying to put into his head? It was bad enough his life belonged to her now, but now she wanted to put him through this kind of...

"Arghhhhh! I'm going home, all this moping around is driving me nuts!"

Little did he realize that today was another hallmark in his life, the beginnings of his many...

..."talents". Some of which as a grown-up, he would find much to his distaste.

* * *

Welcome home.

"_O-KAE-RI_!" a pair of familiar voices greeted him, leaving him more than just a little speechless --- and --- inadequate.

Living alone for the past, oh let's see --- twelve years, two hundred and sixty-four days and --- oh --- this morning, could do that to a person, and now, Naruto found himself at a lost for what to do. He understood this was a very simple custom, something Shion had definitely taught to him, technically, during his many hours in domestic arts. Come to think of it, the whole point of domestic arts was to probably prepare for such a day where he actually had company for a change.

Buddha forbid, now was the foretold time, and he was acting like an ass!

"_A-A-Anou_, um, er, _ta-tadaima_," Naruto stuttered a reply, with a terrible blush, to which Maru and Moro squealed delightedly before pouncing on him.

I'm home.

* * *

For next couple of a days, though to be quite honest he lost track of time during those "fun times," Naruto resolved to get used to his new domestic life. The only time he ever left the mansion was in the morning to go train in private, grab a mid-morning snack from Ichiraku Ramen, and then head on back. Otherwise, he was pretty much "Home" the whole day, learning all the little knick-knacks he could about the household.

Yuuko, regrettably, was gone a lot during those days. Heck, he did not even recall ever seeing hide or hair of her ever during that time to which Maru and Moro could only apologize that was she was gone on an extended business trip. Nonetheless, Naruto found it easy enough to pass the time, especially with that damned messageboard!

Yes, on the wall just outside the kitchen, was a messageboard. Why anyone in their right mind would put one up in their own home escaped him, though the blonde-haired boy could imagine a whole slew of reasons, but that was besides the point. **This** was no ordinary messageboard, no sir; Mister Messageboard was his rightful name, and Naruto quickly came to hate him with a grudging passion.

Mister Messageboard was a messageboard of many talents: he kept messages, he stayed in tune with the weather --- his predictions never wrong, unlike those unreliable weather-people --- he advertised the latest and greatest deals at the flea market, and most importantly, he painstakingly kept a tally of things-to-do. And, oh, what a long list it was indeed! Never in his life had he seen such a heinous backlog of chores and things-to-be-done in his life; it was as if Ichihara Yuuko was the Queen of Procrastination herself, putting off everything she humanly could, save for the barest necessities.

Naruto had only spied Mister Messageboard in passing, but the list --- the list had practically jumped out at him, wrapping him up in white chalky letters, begging for his attention. And NO --- he was not freaking joking! The chalk off the freaking black messageboard literally hauled ass and mauled him, pleading --- ENTREATING --- him to take on this thankless quest to save the mansion. The great house shook and trembled, as if there were an earthquake, wailing terribly in anguish, and the blonde-haired boy, frightened out of his wits, screamed.

Oh, and the mansion screamed too, then Naruto screamed louder, and the mansion not to be outdone rose a pitch higher, until Naruto finally got it through his head that this was real. Yes, the absurd, the impossible was really happening to him, and considering the mansion was not about to give up, the hyperactive _nin_ conceded his defeat. Unfortunately, in doing so, he also sealed his fate.

Mister Messageboard would have grinned from ear to ear, if he had lips.

There was a ton of things to be done ranging from cleaning out old closets to rewiring eroded electrical circuits that were just asking to light the whole place on fire. Yuuko's mansion was an ailing empress, once proud and mighty, now fallen on hard times and old age. Naruto could not believe how much she had neglected her own home for Buddha's sake; hell, he had expected a lot more of her than this --- oh well, somebody had to take care of this place, and if he was going to be living here, well, that made him the man of the house, did it not?

Oh yeah, he was the FREAKIN' man: ARGH!

To be frank, the disreputable state the mansion was in was not so different from his own apartment so many years ago, before Shion came into his life. Anyhow, not to be daunted by the seeming insurmountable task, Naruto rose to the occasion and unleashed his _kagebunshin_ upon the premises. Who would have thought a forbidden _jutsu_ like that would actually have some utility when it came to the mundane?

Alas, Mister Messageboard was not letting him off that easy because just when he thought he had done it all, seen it all, something NEW turned up. It was a virtually endless battle, and though he did not realize this until later, it was also the best "_chakra _stamina" training for him, period. By the end of each day, Naruto was dog tired, barely with the strength to move, for which he was grateful to have the girls around.

Oh-ho! The "quest" was far from thankless, in fact, it was probably the most meaningful work he had done in a long while. How could he tell? Simple: in the joy and gratitude resplendent upon Maru and Moro's faces. Surely, they did not begrudge Yuuko for being a slacker, but ever since he got started on this home improvement project, it was all he could do to stop them from glomping him to death. Heck, he even noticed visible changes in them physically, as strange as it was: for example, their once rather pale complexions had colored in a salutary manner, and their once glassy eyes had brightened with a new lively fire and passion.

How did he notice? Easy: when Naruto was not working, he was playing with them. Yes, for the first time in his "long" life, he actually "enjoyed" life for what it was worth, instead of spending his time training or some such. Perhaps, they were rather childish games, anything from hide-and-seek to cards, but hey, it was all right by him. After all, Naruto had never been a "kid" before and it gave him a chance to get to know his "neighbors."

Now, he did not understand the exact correlation per say between the mansion and the girls, and perhaps, it could all just be his imagination. Still, with all the mystical craziness that had happened to him as of late, Naruto was honestly starting to become a believer in the supernatural and paranormal. It was an utterly insane proposition, having lived a life before now dictated by keen logic and reason, driven by his passionate heart, but that was the only explanation he could come up with: a leap of faith.

Then again, Naruto was just plain happy he had not seen hide or hair of the Kyuubi in the past several days. The demon had been uncharacteristically absent, when he thought she would reveling in dogging him every step of the way from sunrise to dusk, and back again. Life was good without her interfering, and he was perfectly content with it.

Of course, those days of tranquility could not last forever.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 8 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. On the subject of massive plot bunnies running loose, fear not for we will get to them all eventually. Oh, and to the gentleman who noted the crossover/cameo/homage potential of this fic, trust me, there's a lot more fun from where that came from!

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 09:

Out with the Old / In with the New

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Now, he did not understand the exact correlation per say between the mansion and the girls, and perhaps, it could all just be his imagination. Still, with all the mystical craziness that had happened to him as of late, Naruto was honestly starting to become a believer in the supernatural and paranormal. It was an utterly insane proposition, having lived a life before now dictated by keen logic and reason, driven by his passionate heart, but that was the only explanation he could come up with: a leap of faith.

Then again, Naruto was just plain happy he had not seen hide or hair of the Kyuubi in the past several days. The demon had been uncharacteristically absent, when he thought she would reveling in dogging him every step of the way from sunrise to dusk, and back again. Life was good without her interfering, and he was perfectly content with it.

Of course, those days of tranquility could not last forever.

* * *

Again, it was hard to say when exactly Yuuko came back, as he long since lost track of time in that mansion, living with Maru and Moro, Mister Messageboard, and the house. The lusty heat of midsummer was on full blast that day, wherefore Naruto tackled on the immense task of weeding out nature's interlopers in the garden, while simultaneously grooming overgrown brush and trees. Stripped from the waist down, clad in a spare summer _yukata_ (why they just so happened to fit him perfectly, and so conveniently was beyond his imagination), he must have been quite the sight, laboring underneath the hot sun with a platoon of _kagebunshin_ at his beck and call.

So when the proverbial cat, just so happened to drag Lady Ichihara through the front gates, a soaking wet mess of humanity in a yellow rain coat, it was understandable that they were at a loss for what to say. Naruto froze in mid-shout, admonishing one of his shadow clones for sloppy work, while the tall woman blinked, rubbing her eyes, as if they deceived her. Heck, he blinked a few times himself just to be sure, and yes, she really was standing right there. The question was, who was going to break the ice first?

Naturally, Yuuko took point. With a mighty index finger pointed at him, she chuckled huskily, fixing him a hungry look that left him red and more than just a touch self-conscious, before she threw her head back in "The Queen of All Roaring Bitch Laughs(TM)!" and decided to pass out. It was only thanks to some fancy _ninjutsu_ and quick thinking that Naruto managed to save his client from cracking her noggin on the ground.

He supposed the yard work would just have to wait for another time.

* * *

"A BAD FACE!" Yuuko roared from her divan, fresh from the bathhouse in a plain _yukata_, leaving little to the imagination once again, with Maru and Moro flanking her sides as her loyal attendants.

Naruto twitched.

Now, he imagined she must have had a long as hell day, though it was only a little after noon at present. In fact, the day was not even close to over for him, but out of good graces, the industrious blonde-haired boy had decided to put everything off just for her. After all, he had not seen the woman in a good long while, so for her to just drop in from out of the blue, no word of warning or anything, that just...really...

"WHAT KIND OF A GREETING IS THAT, _WOMAN_?" he shouted back peevishly, the lenses of his glasses flaring with an angry light, as he leveled an accusing finger at Yuuko who was completely --- unfazed.

"_Oya-oya_, maybe you didn't hear me right, _chibi_. I said, '_A BAD FACE_'!"

Kkk! That woman-! "I'm NOT a midget, dammit! I'm just as tall as any of the other boys in my class!"

To his dismay, Maru and Moro decided to join the fray, singing together, "_Waiii_-_desu_! A bad face! A bad face!", on Yuuko's behalf.

"G-Gah! M-Maru-chan, Mo-Moro-chan, both of you too? _CHIKU-SHOU_...! Wait, what the hell do you all mean by '_a bad face_' anyway? Whose face is bad?"

"**Yours**," the dark-haired woman deadpanned, without flourish, as the girls giggled like nymphs at play. The gravity of her words hit him with the force of a charging bull, the words "RE-JECTED!!!!" appearing on his forehead, flooring poor Naruto on his back, a pitiful teary-eyed expression on his face. Oh, how cruel it was to be taken apart by the only women in his life!

"What? I see a bad face. What do you want me to say?"

Embittered manly tears framed his face, as the blonde-haired boy rose, and powerposed with a clenched fist, the Hokage Monument appearing magically in the background behind him, "D-Dammit! Yu-Yuuko-san, Maru-chan, Moro-chan: I --- I know, I'm not a _bishounen_ like that jackass, Sasuke-_teme_, but it doesn't mean I'm UGLY, _UOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

"_Ho_, what's that supposed to be '_The Legendary Fires of Manly Courage_'?"

"HELL YEAH-_dattebayo_!"

"But I'm not commenting on your looks, Naruto."

Fizzle!

Naruto blinked **hard**, "...huh?"

"Your face has bad physiognomy, that's all," Yuuko pointed out off-handedly, earning a giggle from the girls who shared a knowing wink.

Sweatdrop. What the...?

"Um, _anou sa_, what's physio-what-cha-ma-call-it?"

"Unlike other forms of divination, palm reading and physiognomy take into account that all things change, _especially_ physiognomy."

"So..."

"Today, your face is **BAD**!"

"Gah!" yelped Naruto as a massive _kanji_ character for "Bad" suddenly appeared out of thin air and crushed him beneath its staggering girth.

"Therefore, your physiognomy states that _BAD THINGS_ will happen!"

"Bad!" Maru chirped devilishly, before leaping atop the giant letter, adding her weight to the torture.

"Bad!" her sister chorused, before Moro joined her as well on top of the pile, with an innocent giggle.

"Agh...! G-Gim-mie a b-break here, argh..."

"It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but ill-omens cannot be ignored..." Yuuko paused, glancing thoughtfully at him with a piercing sparkle to her sepia eyes, as a smirk found its way upon her beauteous face, "...Of course, it is _possible _to change your fate, just by talking to someone."

"Eeh-ERK!" Naruto choked as two familiar bodies landed on top of him, knocking breath out of his lungs. The letter for "Bad" had unexpectedly disappeared in a poof of smoke, depositing Maru and Moro right on him. Granted, he would gladly break their fall under normal circumstances, but was not this a bit much? To his silent glee, the girls got off of him swiftly, and with earnest repentance, sat him upright so as to better tend to him.

Ah, now this sort of treatment was much better!

"So, care to tell me a story of what I've missed while I was away, now that you're --- _comfortable_, hmmmm?"

"Eh-hehehe, y-yeah, sure thing, Yuuko-san, although I still don't really understand what you're talking about."

The Lady smiled darkly, "Oh, don't worry about it for I'm afraid none of the characters you shall meet shortly will be the goddess of good luck you will so desperately beseech."

* * *

When a familiar head of blonde swaggered through the door that morning, whistling a jaunty tune, Sarutobi inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, a great weight finally lifting off his shoulders. Word of the assassination attempt had reached his ears, of course, striking much grief into his old heart. He had gone out personally to inspect the scene, fearing all had been lost, and to make matters worse, the forensics team could not find the body. Imagine his surprise when the day right after that, Kakashi drops by his office to say "hi-hello," "Oh, by the way, Naruto managed to get Team 7 to pass --- sort off," and "Oh, is there some need-to-know information you've been holding out on me about Naruto, Hokage-sama? Just kidding!"

The wizened Hokage nearly had a heart attack at the news, blasting his young subordinate with a glare that clearly stated:

"Memo: Not Funny, Hatake Kakashi. GTFO! out of my face before I show you how many ways I can shish-kabob you from here to next Sunday. I wasn't called the Professor for nothin' back in my day, you whippersnapper!"

So the famed Copy-Nin humbly took his leave with a cheery wink, promising that the conversation was far from over. In fact, the infernal gray-haired man repeatedly came to haunt him at every opportunity possible, always asking about Naruto. Sarutobi had seriously begun to question the man's sanity until a telegram arrived just yesterday from Ichihara Yuuko, informing him that Naruto would be coming to his office this very morning.

And yes, he was quite alive and well, no worse for wear, though he had to wonder:

What was the Fourth's Legacy doing here all packed up, as if he were about to leave on an extended mission? And just what had he done to have Kakashi all riled up about him?

"_Ossu_, Hokage-sama! Long time no see, _ne_?" Naruto greeted him brightly, with a smart salute.

Sarutobi nodded, a smile finding its way onto his wizened face surely enough. The boy's good cheer was absolutely infectious, a terrible shame the citizens of Konoha refused to acknowledge him for he would surely make a great Hokage some day. If there was someone he could be confident to guide the Hidden Village of Leaf to a brighter future, it would be this boy, just as Kazama Arashi had once bared that now extinguished torch.

"At ease, Naruto-kun; indeed, it has been a while. What brings you here today?"

"Hehehe, well, I'd be lying if I told you I just dropped by to see how you were doing. I've been pretty busy adjusting to my new life and all."

"_Aa_, I see; is Ichihara-dono treating you well?"

Naruto blushed, an odd sight for certain for he had never seen the boy ever become embarrassed before, but in a way, it was refreshing to see as well. "_A-Anou sa_, how do I explain... Um, well, I guess we've got a pretty good relationship. I haven't really gotten to know her yet, but I definitely know her mansion like the back of my hand now, and how to run the household in her absence, thanks to Maru and Moro."

"Maru and Moro?" Sarutobi raised an eyebrow.

"Eh-he-hehe, um, well, they're these two girls about my age who live with Yuuko-san."

Oh? Now, this is getting interesting. I didn't expect Naruto-kun to get along with the client so quick that he's already on a first name basis with her. "And-?"

"_E-Etou_, that's all I really know about them. You could say, the girls are like my pseudo-roommates, sisters, and friends; I hang out with them a lot when I'm not off doing some odd job around the mansion."

Inwardly, the Sandaime Hokage was positively ecstatic at the news. After all these years of isolation, Naruto was finally making friends, and civilian girls no less! Truly, this had to be best piece of news he heard in a long, long while because if all went well, the boy was going to turn out just fine. Asking Naruto to accept the contract with the mysterious Ichihara woman was the best move he had done in years for the boy, even though it had come at a terrible price as well.

"Anyways, Hokage-sama, I need to ask a favor from you," the blonde-haired boy addressed him abruptly, all play and cheer gone from his young face.

The signs of maturity were regrettable, considering Naruto had never really experienced a real childhood, but it was also good to see that the hyperactive special _genin_ knew when to play and when to do business. Sarutobi nodded simply, motioning for his subordinate to continue, "Very well, I shall hear it, Uzumaki Naruto."

"I heard from down the grapevine that we just got a client from the Wave, a man by the name of Tazuna, right?"

"Ah, that C-rank mission?"

"Yup, would you mind if accompany Tazuna-san back to the Wave Country?"

"Because?"

"Yuuko-san needs me to run an errand for her down to Wave Country (hence, the big pack, if you know what I mean) and accompanying Tazuna-san down there would --- well --- be convenient, as she put it."

"Hmm, Naruto-kun, you do realize an escort detail is a job for a _genin_ team, correct?"

"Well, that makes sense, all right... So who do you have in mind?"

"Hmm, how about Team Sev-?"

"**No**," Naruto deadpanned flatly, his voice an unnerving cool frost that sent alarms of in the older man's head.

This was certainly an unexpected development in the boy's character; Sarutobi felt he would have to tread lightly here, if he was going to get any verifiable information at all, "Why do you say that, Naruto-kun?"

"Team Seven's a bunch of immature talented brats, who've got no appreciation at all for _shinobi_. They'll be doing D-rank missions until they can all pull their heads out of their asses. The Uchiha's a wiseass, self-styled avenger, obsessed with his clan and revenge. The Haruno girl's a callous love-struck girl, blindly chasing after a boy who could give less than two shits about her. Both of them are guilty for a lack of compassion, and the eccentric chump leading them, Hatake Kakashi, is a nincompoop who should be in ANBU, instead of leading a _genin _team."

W-What? "Naruto, that's..."

"To be frank, Hokage-sama, I think Kakashi-chan's a fuck-up with too many issues of his own to count. He doesn't have what it takes to take a bunch emotional kids under his wing and raise them up."

"Hmm, but Naruto..."

"I. Hate. Them."

Now, Sarutobi's eyes were wide as saucers. _This _--- this was the first time, ever, that he had ever experienced Naruto openly declaring his hatred for anyone. It was shocking, absolutely shocking! He could not even must the mettle for any sort of reasonable argument against the boy. What the hell had that damned fool, Kakashi, done to the Fourth's Legacy?

"Look, Hokage-sama," Naruto huffed stubbornly at him, snapping him out of his brief reverie, "if you don't have any more experienced _genin_ teams on call, I'll just escort Tazuna-san back to the Wave by myself!"

The old man sighed, feeling a new weight slicing into his bones at the troubled boy before him, "Naruto-kun, just because you defeated a _chunin_..."

"Come on! It's just a C-rank mission, right? I've got the Academy _jutsu_ all mastered to a T, the Nidaime's Raijin and _shunshin no jutsu_ under my belt, and _kagebunshin_ _no_ _jutsu_ to top it off. Gimmie a chance, Hokage-sama!"

"...tsk, Naruto, who are you trying to prove yourself to?"

The hyperactive _nin_ flinched visibly at his words, the boy's young face frowning darkly with black emotion, "Is _that_ what you think this is about? Honestly? Heh, you know, I think it's pretty rare for you to even call me by just my first name alone, so that must mean --- you're serious, right?"

"Naruto, I'm not..." Sarutobi attempted to save the sinking situation, but by then it was already too late.

"You know what? Screw this, old man. I'm just going to go down, grab Tazuna-san, and get the hell out of here. Forget the team. I don't need 'em. After all, with **friends **like you, who needs enemies?"

"W-What? Wait, Naruto!" Did he --- how did he --- did he realize that I revoked the order of his protection?

SLAM.

Oh dear...

Oh dear...

Sarutobi groaned, collapsing against his great chair in despair, as if he were an empty husk. A great fear struck his old heart, ripping it to bloody shreds, and revealing the black cancer of betrayal beneath the ichor and gore. This --- this could NOT be happening to him, not again. Just now; these omens, these signs: could this be just like Orochimaru? No! No, a catastrophe of that scale was impossible; the Fourth's Legacy-! Who --- who was to blame? Who-? W-Was it his fault? Aghhhh, this cannot be...!

"_Fufufufu_, what a misery, what a sight, what a laugh; have a care, Sandaime Hokage-sama?" a husky voiced hissed aloud through some breathing apparatus, snapping him out of his reverie.

Alas, it was already too late. Swarms of flies and hornets buzzed in ambience about his office, putrid maggots and worms sprawled across the floor, while invading termites ate away at the walls and spiders hung eerily from the ceiling. The decaying wrenching scent of carrion permeated the air, assaulting his nostrils, for in the center of the floor lay an all too familiar carcass of a mere boy of twelve years, barely recognizable, tufts of blonde hair strewn about... They were feasting on him, the foul vermin! H-How could they...!

"Kkk! NO. Im-Impossible! G-_Genjutsu_?" Three of them! How did they infiltrate the Tower and all the way into my office without raising any alarms?

"Correct," said the villain crouching upon his bureau, chuckling lightly through his gas mask. His other two companions stood wordlessly as sentinels by the great double door at the other of his office. Interestingly, they all wore the same uniform, roughly of the same height and build, and all equally faceless with no marks of identification at all. "You're a-sharp one, Professor; your reputation proceeds ye."

"_Tsk_, and just how long do you expect to hold me here?"

"Oh, not long a-t'll. In fact, my cute lit'le _jutsu_ be doin' its work fine. Soon, it'll be just bus'iness as usual, this conversation never, and your talk with the lad, never."

"What?"

"All this be a dream, but still, we liken to thank ye for lettin' lit'le 'Ruto out to play. See d'is slip o' paper? Ye signed it."

"A --- a mission approval form...impossible...! How? When?"

"_Fufufufu_, nighty-night, Hokage-sama!"

Dammit, no-!

White.

* * *

_Chikushoume_...

_Chikushoume_...

**_Chikushou_**!

Those words of damnation echoed through his harried thoughts repeatedly, as Naruto descended down the flight of stairs and headed off towards the Missions Offices in a wreck. What the hell just happened? What had driven him to act like that to the Hokage? Had he just completely lost his mind? The guy had practically been his lifeline in the village for all of his natural life, and now all of a sudden, he just went and burned the only sure-fire thing he had to stand on?

Stupid, stupid! Uzumaki Naruto, you are a straight-up, certified EMO-asshole! the blonde-haired boy cursed himself some more for good measure. Hell, what even drove me to say something like that?

_After all, with **friends **like you, who needs enemies_?

**_Fufufufu_**, **isn**'**t it obvious**, **Naruto**-**human**? a familiar voice chuckled darkly in his head.

Kyuubi! You --- You! What the hell do you want now, you stupid bitch-fox?

**Stupid**? **Me**? **My, how rude of you**. **It**'**s been so long since we last spoke**, **and for just trying to point you in the right direction**, **this is the thanks I get**? **Fufufu**, **how typical of you selfish hu**-**_mans_**.

Get out of my head! I don't need your help. Nope. Nadda. Zilch. No thank you. No, ma'am! Never asked for it. So go --- errr --- do whatever the hell it is you do when you're not trying to mess with...

**Thinking**.

...Wha?

**Contrary to popular belief**, **there is a method to madness** **for even the most deranged of murderers have a kind of discontented thought process**, **part instinct**, **part psychosis**, **part neurosis, that leads them through the moment**.

H-Huh? Just what are you trying to say?

**Foolish mortal**, **have you not realized how you were able to survive all these years**?

Naruto hesitated, stopping dead in tracks, as he clenched his hands into trembling fists, Uh, well...dammit, why should I even trust you right now, you damned demon fox?

**_Fufufu_**, **how naive**. **So it seems talent is no substitute for experience**, Kyuubi mocked him with a haughty chuckle.

Damn you-! ...ugh, just get on with it!

**It**'**s just going to be you and I for the next couple of days**, **give or take**, **Naruto-human**. **Now**, **don**'**t you feel like a genius**?

Oh... Oh. Oh, HELL NO!

**Get used to it**, **mor-tal**, **or this will be a very**, **_very _long ordeal for you**. **_Fufufu_**, **and just maybe you**'**ll figure out on your own why you broke that old fool**'**s heart**.

Sandaime's heart?

**Yes**-**yes**, **you already figured out the answer**, **that is**, **a _part _of you has ever since that day you died**...

With infernal parting words, she left him, a heavy ominous presence slinking back into the depths of his mind, leaving an ill-feeling void. Feelings of nausea and vertigo, like leaden weights upon his shoulders, dropped him down to his knees, a pathetic sight, if anyone cared. However, nothing could compare to the broiling rage upon his snarling face, emboldening the whisker marks upon his cheeks.

Naruto was angry.

Naruto was confused.

And those two things did not make a happy Naruto. In fact, it was recipe for disaster for an unhappy Naruto meant an unpredictable Naruto, a Naruto with nothing to lose terribly, and a Naruto with the will to go through any lengths to achieve his goal. Oh yeah, screw 'em; screw 'em all.

If finding his answers meant doing this "routine" mission by himself, then by Buddha, he was going to do it!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 9 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. On the subject of the dark stuff in this fic, well, I think it's pretty darn appropriate for what I've got going. Besides, I got a healthy dose of light-hearted fun stuff sprinkled on top of all the dark chocolate to sweeten the deal, _ne_?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	10. Chapter 10 Wave Arc OP

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 10:

A Routine C-Rank Mission? Yeah, right!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Sandaime's heart?

**Yes**-**yes**, **you already figured out the answer**, **that is**, **a _part _of you has ever since that day you died**...

With infernal parting words, she left him, a heavy ominous presence slinking back into the depths of his mind, leaving an ill-feeling void. Feelings of nausea and vertigo, like leaden weights upon his shoulders, dropped him down to his knees, a pathetic sight, if anyone cared. However, nothing could compare to the broiling rage upon his snarling face, emboldening the whisker marks upon his cheeks.

Naruto was angry.

Naruto was confused.

And those two things did not make a happy Naruto. In fact, it was recipe for disaster for an unhappy Naruto meant an unpredictable Naruto, a Naruto with nothing to lose terribly, and a Naruto with the will to go through any lengths to achieve his goal. Oh yeah, screw 'em; screw 'em all.

If finding his answers meant doing this "routine" mission by himself, then by Buddha, he was going to do it!

* * *

Several days had passed since the journey had begun from the ancient, venerated gates of Konoha, traveling to the east on foot through the wooded countryside of Fire Country. Flashing his ID at the Missions Offices, the formalities had been handled at an amazingly fast blur of paperwork and a briefing of less than two paragraphs before one, Mister Tazuna --- Master Bridge Builder Extraordinaire, was proverbially dumped into his lap. In hind sight, he was still surprised he had even gotten the mission, but hey, if Old Man Sandaime was going to let him to do it, even though he had practically spat in the man's face, sure! --- he was all game and gung-ho for it.

Besides, there was more to this mission to him than just getting Ol' Tazuna from point A to B, and then reporting back in one piece himself. There was the little "courier" job the Lady Ichihara (whoa, was that what he thought of her now?) wanted him to do. However, the most important thing was his own agenda, that is, figuring out what was happening to him and just what kind of person was he turning into...

Anyways, it was pretty obvious that Ol' Tazuna did not trust him one bit at all. The old man had positively had a seizure when the civilian intermediary had informed him that Naruto would be his only escort for the duration of the contract. Now, Naruto expected the civil engineer to protest; in fact, he looked like he was working himself up to it, when a sudden spark of grim resignation crossed his old tanned face.

For the last couple of days, Ol' Tazuna had been grumbling to himself in barely coherent curses non-stop, and it was really starting to bug Naruto. At the least, the old geezer could have had the discretion to keep his own damned problems to himself, but no, he was blatantly stirring the hyperactive _genin_'s curiosity. Something was up, and Naruto resolved he would get to the bottom of things today, even if it killed him (fat chance of that happening!).

The godsend in all of this thus far was that Kyuubi had not bothered him at all since they had left Konoha.

"So Tazuna-san, so what's it like in the Wave Country?" Naruto spoke up for the first time in days, as he continued to amble along the dirt road beside the older man.

Needless to say, the sound of his young voice startled the hell out of Tazuna, bringing the troubled man's full attention on him, "The HELL! Y-Ya can talk?"

"O' course; did you expect any less?" Man, I'm really tempted for a snappy comeback right now, but oh well, let's try to play this diplomatically, just like Shion taught me. ...tsk, I wonder if she'll be back by the time I get home?

"_Rrrr_, leave me alone, super brat! If ya know what's good fer ya, hopefully we'll finish **this **without anybody gettin' hurt."

"Aw, c'mon, Tazuna-san, have a little faith in me! I can handle some bandits no prob."

"You're just a greenhorn, wet-behind-the-ears kid, super brat! Whad'dya know about the real world?"

"Enough to know now that it's not bandits you're worried about, Ol' Tazuna."

"H-Huh?"

"Man, didn't I tell you to have some faith in me?" Naruto grinned at the man, pressing his advantage just a tad, "I've had my patrols circling us Twenty Four-Seven for the past couple of days, and they haven't seen hide or hair of bandit activity. It's quiet, too quiet if you ask me."

Tazuna blinked at him, his tanned face awash with skepticism, "_Your _patrols, super brat?"

"I'll tell you a secret, if you tell me one of _yours_."

"Th-The HELL!"

"_Oi_, Tazuna-san, it wasn't as if you were trying hard to hide it either. The fact, you still took me anyways, instead of fighting for a full _genin_ team, tells me that you're still serious about going through whatever you've got planned."

"S-Shut up! You're crazy, super brat. I ain't plannin' nothin'!"

Naruto rolled his eyes derisively, earning an aggravated growl out of the old man. Honestly, did Ol' Tazuna really think he was deaf, blind, AND dumb not to have noticed the signs? "Ninja Know-How Lesson Sixty-Nine A: '**Reading **Underneath the Underneath.' Do I have to explain? Or are you ready to do business yet?"

"I don't know what the hell's gotten into ya, super brat," Tazuna refused in red-faced denial.

"Geez, and I thought with how **old **you are, you'd actually be a reasonable, responsible _adult_."

"WHA'!"

"Deny all you want, Tazuna-san, but your problem isn't going to just disappear into thin air because you told it to --- F--K OFF! --- right?"

"You-you little...!"

"Look, I'm in no real hurry to go home, and in fact, I wouldn't mind helping you out --- as long as the _price_ is right, of course. I'm not a _Special Genin _for nothing." There we go: GOT 'EM! And about damned time too. Heh, look at the look on his face. He looks like he just stepped in a pile of s--t!

"Hmph, prove it, super brat!" Tazuna spat venomously at him, crossing his arms over his burly chest. Granted his age diminished the menace in his actions somewhat, but it was obvious he meant what he said, and that brought their entire journey to sudden standstill.

Now, Naruto was in a bind, the tables turned on him. Oh, sure he had a rather --- _impressive_ --- resume, but to a stubborn hardass like this old sonuvagun, well, he was going to need something more concrete, preferably a live demonstration of his abilities. The question now was how was he going to pull such a demonstration off in the first place? He had not received reports of any bandit sightings in days, and...

Just then, as Lady Luck would have it, one of his "men" burst through the trees in a loud rustle of leaves, landing in a crouch. The sudden appearance shocked Tazuna, but he managed to hold his composure together somewhat, when he saw that it was a perfect replica of Naruto, some kind of ninja trick he supposed, minus all of the boy's travel gear. In the said blonde's case, however, he was actually quite happy to see his _kagebunshin_ arrive because if it had come to him, it could only mean that they had finally found something --- interesting.

"Naruto-_taichou_, Naruto-7 reports!" the shadow replicant dropped smartly to one knee, bowing his head low in respect.

Yes, Naruto knew it was blatantly pompous, egoist, self-serving pat to his own back, but hey, a guy needed to live a little too, right? Even if this was starting to turn into a potentially "unusual" mission. "Yo, Number Seven, what-up?"

"Sir, we believe there's an ambush up ahead on the road."

"Oh, why you say that?"

"Sir, to the best of our knowledge it has not rained since we began this journey. Is that not right, Tazuna-dono?"

"HUH? What's this gotta do with me?" the bespectacled man barked in bewilderment.

"_Oi_, Number Seven's just trying to be friendly, since you _are_ the client, you know."

"_Che_, so what's this whole damned ambush and rain business about anyway?"

"Sir, with the present summer heat, is it not reasonable to assume that any moisture available would evaporate or be absorbed back into the earth, rapidly?"

"Dammit, get to the point, you freakin' copy of the super brat!"

"Enemy ninja, Tazuna-dono, may be operating in the area for we have spotted an anomalous puddle of water in the middle of the road, which has shown no signs of dispersing for some time now. Also, it is the only puddle period for an area of five square-kilometers. Considering it has not rained in the past several days, it is only logical to assume the work of enemy _nin_; thus, an ambush. That is our conclusion."

"Alrighty then, sounds like fun!" Naruto exclaimed, clapping his hands together in glee. To his unspoken command, the shadow replicant on cue rose up to his feet, bowing in a farewell, before bounding off towards the trees again. From the corner of his eyes, he could say Ol' Tazuna about to protest to him or another, a minor inconvenience he quickly remedied with a curt nod.

"Relax, old man, relax. You wanted proof, and now, I'm going to deliver it to you on a silver platter, BE-LIEVE IT!"

Oh yeah, Konoha's Number One Unpredictable Hyperactive Ninja was itching to kickass and take names!

* * *

They were the _Onikyoudai_, the infamous Demon Brothers of the Hidden Village of Mist. Though their allegiance had changed, they would always be the Demon Brothers. High speed assassinations were their specialty, and today was no different. The last scrap of intelligence reported the mark to be on its way here, and so bays before their mark would arrive, they had already staked out this location, scouting every possible route before lying in wait, ever the patient hunters.

Of course, it was strange to hear that the old fool was only accompanied by one mere boy, a fresh _genin_ with no notoriety at all to distinguish himself. Surely, Tazuna would have tried to get his hands on a full _genin_ team, but a job was a job, and if it was one _genin_ that was to stand against them, why it would hardly be a challenge.

Well, what do we have here? The mark and the boy have arrived right on schedule, arguing like father and son. Hmph, this will be all too easy. Time to get this show started.

Hiss!

* * *

"Ouch, that was a crappy way to go," Naruto mused aloud with morbid fascination, as he watched his doppelganger be ripped to pieces.

The linked bladed chain the two enemy _nin_ used, connected mutually to their clawed gauntlets, was quite effective against personnel. However, he noted several critical weaknesses in the weapon right from the get go. For starters, it seemed to create a kind of tunnel vision effect in its owners, who completely fell for the illusion of the body substitution technique, leaving a pile of kindling in their wake. Also, he imagined it would not be too difficult to immobilize the duo using a precise kunai throw to pin the chain to a nearby tree.

Tazuna's disgruntled snarl, unfortunately, put an end to his contemplations, as the assassins gave after his own fleeing double. Needless to say, the old man man was less than flattered by the present situation. Yes, they were observing from a relatively safe, concealed vantage, beyond the treeline, but it did little to assuage his chagrin at the mocking murderous farce transpiring before his own two eyes.

"So now what, super brat?"

"Time for Phase-Two, of course."

Propping up his glasses, a habit that was fast becoming natural to him, Naruto reached out with his hands, imagining blue strings of chakra leading from each finger to his twelve awaiting shadow replicants. He called this technique simply "_Kugutsu_" or "Puppets," something he had discovered by chance while experimenting with the _kagebunshin no jutsu_. Normally, shadow replicants were independent entities capable of acting on their own with minimal supervision. Independent action, however, did not necessarily translate into _skilled_ independent action, which was the reason for this technique.

By assuming direct control of his "men," Naruto had discovered he could dramatically improve their utility and performance over all. The action required intense concentration that left him highly vulnerable, and he had yet a chance to determine his maximum "transmission" range. However, the benefits at present were worth the risk, as he did not have to put himself into direct combat, instead he could safely watch over the battle from his vantage, and dish out twelve times the punishment he could do by himself.

"_Yoosha_! Naruto Squad, Number One through Number Twelve: LET'S GO!"

* * *

"We've got you, old-wha?" Gozu stuttered, as the fleeing old fool suddenly, with impossible grace, back-flipped into the air right over his head. In fact, the next view he registered was the ground rising up frighteningly to meet his face, nearly dragging his brother down with him too.

THUMP-Fffffffffffff!

"B-Bro, you okay?" Meizu asked him worriedly, the soft idiot. What kind of man would be okay with having his face ground through the dirt?

"No, I'm not, you genius! What are you --- STUPID?"

The mocking sounds of laughter, however, put their present self-destructive program on hold. Whirling about face, they spotted him standing just a couple yards away was that damned old man, and he was laughing at THEM. How dare that old bastard?

"AH-hahaha! Looks like I left a pretty good boot print on ya face too, ya upstart super brat. Serves ya right for under-estimatin' ya elders!"

"Wh-WHAT?"

"Still, don't ya think it's a little overkill sending two Mist _nin_ for an old fool like me?"

"_Che_, you should feel honored that rat bastard Gatou even bothered with us!"

"Gatou? Hmmm, sounds familiar from somewhere..."

"Ehhhhh, trying to buy time for yourself? Ha! You got lucky that first time, bouncing off my head, but it won't happen again."

"Could you remind me again why that so-called rat bastards wants to kill me so badly that he doesn't even have the decency to show up personally himself?"

"Wha-WHAT? Are you RETARDED?"

"Old age, I'm afraid," Tazuna laughed back at them, "Too many things to do and not enough time to do them all."

Gozu snarled angrily. This old bastard was toying with them! "Fine, we'll give you one last laugh to enjoy before you become food for the worms."

"Wait, Bro, something's off...!" Meizu tried to interrupt him, but he was going to have none of it.

"Shut the hell up, Meizu. The old fart obviously wants to be reminded that without him '_the last great hope_' of the Wave will be nothing more but a dream! Gatou already has that little pathetic country in the palm of his hand, and the only thing standing in his way --- is YOU. Without that bridge, the Wave is finished!"

"Hmm, now I understand. So that's why Ol' Tazuna was so antsy the entire time."

"...huh?"

"Kkk! This is what I was trying to warn you about, Gozu-_aniki_. That's NOT Tazuna!"

The mild explosion of smoke confirmed their suspicions; stepping through the drifting white wisps was none other than the blonde-haired brat. The Konoha _nin_ forehead protector tied to his right bicep gleamed proudly, as he propped up his glasses, the lenses flashing briefly with ill-tidings, for his bright blue eyes affixed his piercing gaze upon them. If he was standing here, and the old man was nowhere to be found, could this mean that they, former _chunin_ of the Mist, had been duped by a mere _genin_?

Impossible! **Unacceptable**.

"The joke's on you guys," the boy declared pompously with a toothy sneer, "So why don't you two run along before I decide to beat the crap out of you both into a pulp for making me work this hard?"

Gozu snarled angrily, dropping into an aggressive crouch, "_K-Kusogaki_! You think you can take us both on by yourself?"

"Man, I was laughing hard enough at your dumb and dumber routine; you don't need to try any harder to out do yourselves! Face it: you two are friggin' half-assed amateurs; I could take on an army of y'all in my sleep."

"Oh **YEAH**? we'll see how you talk with a couple of new assholes in a second, you little prick."

"B-Bro, maybe we should think this over," Meizu hesitated, clearly apprehensive at the unnatural amount of confidence radiating from the blonde-haired kid. Nobody as young as him should be this confident facing off against two trained killers.

"Maybe you should listen to your brother, tough guy; he's actually talking some sense. After all, victory is already mine."

"WHAT?"

"Of course, there's still other things I'd like to know, mostly about Gatou and his operations, but otherwise, if you really want an asskicking, I'd be happy to oblige in helping you both talk out of your asses."

Those damning words was the last straw for Gozu. Jettisoning the bladed chain linking his gauntlet with his brother's gauntlet, punctuated by an audible metallic clang, he charged full speed at the runt, bellowing a fierce battle cry. Alas, it was far too late to turn back for the jaws of the bear trap had already swung closed.

"_Idiots_," the boy smiled darkly.

Before the Mist _nin_ could reach the object of his hatred, the blonde-haired _genin_ unexpectedly --- **exploded**. The rushing tidal wave of white smoke stung at his eyes, disorienting his senses, as he suddenly found himself surrounded in grays and white. Luckily, the filters built into his breather saved him from choking on the blasted substance. It also incidentally saved him from a broken jaw.

The whistling straight kick --- make that three kicks --- smashed in his jaw simultaneously from below with a wrenching crack, snapping his head back, and lifting him clean off his feet. The breather mask was torn clean off his face, as the world doubled over (or was it him doubling over?) in a haze of pain. Once again, the ground was coming up to kiss him, but he never even made it to that rendezvous.

"Naruto _Ninpou _--- _Bunshin MAAKU KIIIIIIIIIIICK_-_KU_!"

Needless to say, having a dozen synchronized kicks, each landing a near second right after another in the same spot did wonders to send Gozu lolling back into the bliss of unconscious oblivion. The combined force of the blows sent him rocketing out of the clearing grayish-white fray like a human missile. In fact his appearance was so sudden, Meizu did even know what the hell was the humanoid blur that smashed into him, flooring his backside into the dirt.

"What the f-! BRO? Wha-?" the remaining demon brother choked in shock.

However, there was hardly a chance to finish his sentence for he soon felt the cold kiss of kunai, several in fact, caressing his exposed flesh. Meizu was surrounded in a ring of death; _bunshin_ all of them, but that was impossible! "Clones" were only illusions, not flesh and blood. How could this be happening?

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

The eerie sound of applause drew his attention immediately. Approaching through the throngs of replicants was no doubt the King behind the Pawns, tossing his pack to a nearby attendant, as He was accompanied by the real Tazuna. It was a bitter, dreadful pill to swallow, but this mere child had defeated them soundly, and now, they were at the whim of his mercy.

"Well done, well done!" the boy congratulated them with a bright smile, "You two made totally cool practice dummies. This live-battle simulation went even better than I expected. I think, I might actually like this whole '_chess_, _manipulation_, _and strategy_' business after all."

"Wh-Who --- Who-who the hell --- are YOU?"

"Why, I'm glad you asked, saves me the trouble, if you know what I mean. The name's Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto: age twelve, a _Special Genin _of Konoha, and incidentally, Konoha's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive _shinobi_. _Fufufu_, I am just so COOL-_dattebayo_! Ain't I? _Ne-ne_?"

Meizu was spellbound. He honestly did not know what to say to that... Fortunately, the old man, Tazuna was more than happy to fill in for him, "Dammit, enough with the bravado already, super brat!"

"Awww, but Tazuna-san! I got 'em good, just like I promised, didn't I?"

"That's not the point. Now, what are you going to do with them?"

"Well, of course, I'm going to let them go."

"Say WHAT?"

"You-you'll spare us?" the Mist _nin _mumbled in utter disbelief.

"Considering your line of work, and I'm guessing you and your brother are both missing _nin_, judging by the slashes through your forehead protectors, it won't be long until whoever hired you is going to come for your heads when they hear of your failure today."

Damn, he's right! This kid's sharp as a needle.

"Are you crazy, super brat? What if they try to backstab us?"

"He won't because he's got enough to worry about than to try to kill us again. After all, if I beat them once this easily, I can just easily beat them again. It's not hard when you know your opponent's strengths and weaknesses. 'sides, this was just child's play, the tip of the iceberg as far as what I can do."

Tazuna snorted derisively, but he held his peace. Naruto could careless and went right on talking:

"So what'll it be, Mist _nin_? Life? Or Death? You decide. I won't kill you myself; in fact, I'll just knock you out too and leave you to get killed later by whoever comes looking for you. If I were you, I'd use this chance to put as much distance between you and the execution squad before they can track you down, get my drift?"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Well, there you have it. Chapter 10 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Naruto's finally on his big journey, danger is abound, and just how far is he willing to go? That you'll have to wait and see. On the other hand, he's certainly developing an interesting skill set, no?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh, and quick translation note: Ninja Art --- Clone Mach Kick. I think y'all can figure out where that fits, right?

_Tsudzuku_!


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 11:

The Wave

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Are you crazy, super brat? What if they try to backstab us?"

"He won't because he's got enough to worry about than to try to kill us again. After all, if I beat them once this easily, I can just easily beat them again. It's not hard when you know your opponent's strengths and weaknesses. 'sides, this was just child's play, the tip of the iceberg as far as what I can do."

Tazuna snorted derisively, but he held his peace. Naruto could careless and went right on talking:

"So what'll it be, Mist _nin_? Life? Or Death? You decide. I won't kill you myself; in fact, I'll just knock you out too and leave you to get killed later by whoever comes looking for you. If I were you, I'd use this chance to put as much distance between you and the execution squad before they can track you down, get my drift?"

* * *

Elsewhere, there was a familiar gray-haired man brooding over a camp fire for night had fallen on the border of Fire Country, and pulling firewatch first seemed like a good idea at the time. Besides, Hatake Kakashi had way too much on his mind as of late. This was good and bad because having something important to think about sharpened his senses, but it also made him notoriously edgy. Why this is just as bad as when...

"Yo, Ibiki-san, what's up?" the ex-ANBU greeted automatically, as his fellow _nin_ took a seat across the fire on the other log.

As luck would have it, Konoha's Number One Interrogator just so happened to be on leave, so he figured why not tag along with Konoha's Legendary Copy Nin for a week long excursion patrolling the Fire Country's western borders. It was common knowledge that Kakashi was a man short on his _genin_ team, though there was no clear explanation as to why that was the case. Of course, to the silver-haired man, Morino Ibiki's presence was anything but reassuring; in fact, it was an indicator that he may just be poking his nose where it did not belong. The reason being...

Uzumaki Naruto.

"You're tense Sharingan Kakashi, that's not like you at all," Ibiki murmured in clinical tones, as if he were examining a "subject," not simply stating the facts.

"Ehehe, must be old age, I guess."

"Kakashi-kun, you're only in your twenties."

"Old for a ninja, Ibiki-san, considering most of us aren't supposed to live that long."

"The war's over."

"Come on, Ibiki-san, you know nothing is ever truly over for us _shinobi_."

"A cynic to the hilt, eh, Kakashi-kun?"

"Least I'm not a sadist."

"Ouch."

"Ouch, indeed."

"So what's eating you?"

"What, you're my psychologist now, Ibiki-san?" Kakashi chuckled lightly, not absently that his colleague was not the slightest bit fazed.

If there was anyone who was good at imitating the gleaming edge of a sword, it would be Ibiki, "You're not alone, Kakashi-kun."

"Eh?"

"Uzumaki Naruto, an equation that doesn't add up, isn't that right?"

Damn.

"Did Sarutobi-sama send for you?"

"_Iie_, I'm acting on my own. Your --- unusual --- inquiries just so happened to reach my ears."

"That's some cool ears you got, Ibiki-san."

"So what's your theory?"

"Eh?"

"He's a pretty hot topic right now among the older _nin_."

"Why?"

"Kakashi, have you honestly been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks?"

"Maybe I was, Ibiki. I have a bad habit of getting lost on the road of life."

"People have offered money for his head."

"...really?"

"It's the truth. In fact, it's all we can do to stop the younger ones at jumping headlong at the opportunity."

"That'd be violating the Hokage..."

"The law was abolished some time ago, I'm afraid. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, right on the same night Iruka-kun engaged the traitor _nin_ and was killed in battle, though he made certain for Mizuki-_yarou_ to join him for the ride."

"Hmmm..."

"He's on a mission right now, you know, that Naruto boy."

"Eh?"

"A solo escort detail back to the Wave Country, C-Rank."

"That's --- unusual --- for a _genin_. We haven't had one of those since..."

"The _Weasel _--- Uchiha Itachi."

"_Ho_, Sarutobi-sama plays with fire."

"And what price shall Konoha pay for it?"

Kakashi laughed vaguely as he stood up, oddly at ease by the dark turn in this little "discussion." Something inside him was stirring, a familiar feeling of "excitement" that he had not felt in a long, long time, not since the war anyhow. Granted, the Uchiha Massacre a couple of years back did make him raise his eyebrows, but considering his experience with Obito and a certain --- _weasel_ --- it was practically a forgone conclusion. But for Uzumaki Naruto...

I guess, I'll just have to have a word with Naru-chan when he gets back...

* * *

_Else_where, a certain Uzumaki Naruto shivered and sneezed:

"ACH-CHOOO! Blargh-Pffttt-FWHA! Ack-hic-ick... Day-mn, that was nas-ty! _Some_-body out there must've been thinking about me, in a bad, bad way, geh. _Ewwww_, totally uncool!"

Anyhow, with the _Onikyoudai _out of the way, long gone, and all that good jazz, the journey to the Wave Country went on peacefully without further incident. Naruto was privately surprised that there had not been an immediate reprisal within twenty-four hours of his success, but nobody had showed up, so he resigned himself to the tense silence for the remainder of the trip, while mentally preparing for his next battle. Granted, the blonde-haired boy admitted he would have been a lot more at ease if his current client would actually open up his big fat mouth and say something, anything at all; the tension was getting his nerves all mixed up.

In his own way, Naruto genuinely wanted to help out Tazuna. From what he had gotten out of the two Mist _nin_, his impression of Gatou was anything but pleasant; however, he was not just going to stick his neck out impulsively, like some conceited "Hero of Justice." Besides, whether he liked it or not, he had business to attend to with the man, which would likely delay him for a day in the Wave before he could return home.

Still, he had to wonder just what the Wave Country was like: its people, its culture, and the very land itself. In his many years studying under Shion (then a seemingly simple self-help _genin_ training guidebook), he had learned a great deal about the many countries that made up the Elemental Nations. Of course, he had yet to see such wonderful phenomena (well, at least they were phenomena to him as Naruto to this day still could not grasp the concepts), such as a "desert," a massive desolate landmass of sand, the fabled endless blue of the "ocean," and so much more. They were ultimately all things he wanted to see.

At the moment though, Naruto supposed he should have had his first experience with the "ocean" (or should he think of it more as the "sea"?), for this was his first time ever crossing a body of water larger than a lake! Alas, he could not see a bloody damned thing thanks to the immense mist that had engulfed them on all sides. Under the cover of night, Ol' Tazuna had chartered for them (or should he say, the boatman had been waiting for them?) a small boat to fare them through the mist, across this body of water, to his port of home in the Wave Country.

The black of night had given way to the gray of the morning, and privately, Naruto had been extra tense about the journey. It was a rather embarrassing fact, but he had never truly mastered the art of tree walking, and the even harder art of water walking; chakra control exercises at their worst. Since he had not mastered them, it would be impossible to deploy his usual "security blanket" of _kagebunshin_ to keep a look out for an attack.

Naruto did not have a clue what kind of a threat to expect from here on out, but if his enemies turned out to be more former Mist _nin_, the next battle was not going to be some walk in the park. There was plenty of water and moisture to go around that would give them the edge they needed to use their plethora of water-element _jutsu_ that would just wreak havoc on him. He had never fought a real honest to Buddha _ninjutsu_ battle before, and considering he was lacking in that area, the hyperactive _genin_ was genuinely worried, as he did not honestly know any offensive _ninjutsu_ or _genjutsu_ for that matter.

If it comes down to that, Buddha forbid, I'm going to have improvise real fast, thought Naruto grimly with a sigh. The only sure fire thing I have is the Raijin, but even then, I get the feeling I've only scratched the surface of its potential. ...Man, where's Shion when I need her?

Any melancholic thoughts of home were quickly put on the back burner when the hyperactive blonde found himself face to face with a "small" wonder of the world. Even though he could only see a fraction of its massive bulk, Naruto was confident that this was very likely the biggest man-made structure he had ever seen: the coolest, baddest bridge-_dattebayo_! Could this thing be the last great hope of the Wave that the Demon Brothers were talking about?

"I, still, can't believe you let them go, argh!" Tazuna spoke up for the first time in days, making the blonde-haired boy nearly jump out of his skin.

Alas, self-control was not exactly an art he had mastered yet, so instead, Naruto squeaked, like a girl, "GYAH! Th-the hell! Y-Y-You talk-talked!"

The older man sweatdropped, "Was dat supposed to be _cute_, super brat?"

"Holy Zen, y-you scared the-!"

"Argh! Cut it out already, and listen it up will ya?"

"Eh?"

"Kid, do ya know what you're about to get yerself into? Do you even know who or what Gatou really is?"

"Not really. Why, is he somebody important?"

The old man visibly bristled at his ignorance, but Naruto was not one to be annoyed so easily. Shion had taught him long ago not to be afraid to ask questions, even if they appeared to be utterly inane because knowledge was power, and the more he knew, the better. So with a bombastic grin, he listened to Tazuna's tale of Gatou, the enterprising marine transportation billionaire with a flair for tyranny and conquest, and the strife he had wrought upon the land of Wave, both political and economic. The island nation was in shambles, despair had taken root in the people as corrupt government officials idled on vast sums of blood money from the CEO.

"And the one thing Gatou is afraid of, is the completion of the bridge that has been under construction for quite some time," Tazuna paused with a heavy sigh, "That's right, Boy; that bridge right beside us is my country's last hope, and I'm the only with the guts left to finish it."

Naruto nodded solemnly, "I see, Old Man."

"If we weren't so God damn poor, I wouldn't have been forced to put all of my hopes on a _genin_ team, assuming that this was all just a C-Rank mission. Though the truth is, this is really a B-Rank mission or higher, but we couldn't afford it."

"So, it all came down to money, huh?"

"For us regular folk, money is power: the dividing line between the haves and have-nots; it can't be helped."

"Hmmm, so what's your plan when we make landfall on the other side?"

Again, Tazuna sighed, the expression oddly enough stirring feelings of empathy on Naruto's behalf, which he quickly squashed. He was not heartless, but Naruto understood he could not help unless the old man asked for his aid first, and even then, there was the issue of payment. The more spectacular of a "service" he was to give to Tazuna, the more expensive it was going to get too, and Yuuko had been very firm with him on the matter in their brief lesson together on "Contracts," before he left Home. Both parties had to be compensated fairly, or otherwise, somebody was going to get --- hurt.

"Yer mission'll be over when we hit the pier on the other side, but --- I'll be killed for sure on my way home. STILL! HAHAHA! There's no need to blame yerself, Super Kid! You've still got your whole life ahead ya, and I sure as hell don't wanna be the one to steal yer future away by asking ya to take on this suicide mission."

"Hmmm..." Idiot, he's still trying to be a hardass even now?

"Only my super cute eight-year-old grandson'll cry and cry and cry some more. And my daughter will just hold a grudge against Konoha ninja and live a lonely life. But it ain't your fault, Kid!"

"_Che_... You know, Tazuna-san, I'm not just your ordinary ninja."

"Eh?"

"I don't do charity. If you want my help, we're going to have to deal with the issue of a '**Contract**' between --- You and I. I'm no '_Hero of Justice_' or some conceited trash like that, who's only looking out for simplistic moral victories. The big picture is what I care about."

"Errghhh..."

"Can you prove to me that you all are worth saving? I can tell you need all the help you can get, but --- heh, saving a country is no easy feat, you realize, not to mention it ain't cheap either, if you get my drift?"

"W-What...?"

"Anyhow, I suppose, I'll at least see you off to your home, before we part ways. I've got to go do some business with Gatou-_yarou_ before I leave town and head back to the Leaf," stated Naruto off-hand, watching calmly as the older man's expression blossomed with shock. It was a calculated risk, of course, to see just how Tazuna would react.

Needless to say, he took it hook-line-and-sinker, his voice exploding with rage, "YER WORKIN' FOR THAT BASTARD?"

"T-Tazuna, calm down! You're making too much noise," the boatman cried fearfully from the rear.

"Now, now, Tazuna-san, I never said that I work for him. I've just got something to deliver to him. Could be bad, could be good, could be worse, or could be better; I dunno about the details like that."

"_K-Kuso_, ya were just...!"

"**Using **_you_?" Naruto finished emotionlessly, his blue eyes akin to chips of ice as the tiny boat ducked into the dimly lit tunnel, "Maybe, but what I'm more interested in right now, is why the hell the people of the Wave just keeled over and died without a fight."

Now, Tazuna was furious: "Don't mock Kaiza, you little super runt!"

"Heeeeeeehhh? Kaiza? Who-dat?"

"He..! He... Kaiza was...a brave fool."

There was a noticeable shift in the atmosphere, a heavy weight that even managed to seize his heart. For a moment, Naruto wondered if he had gone too far, but if he was to help these people, then he needed to know the truth. Yes, it was obvious that Gatou was an evil man. Yet why was it that the people of Wave had just sat by and did nothing? Did they not know evil only prospers when good does nothing? Surely, they knew better, and if they did not, what would he do then?

The blonde-haired boy scowled at the dark turn of his thoughts, "A brave fool, huh?"

"_Aa_, the word '_courage_' was stolen from the people of this island, and --- my grandson, forever... Ever since that day, because of that incident-!" Tazuna choked, his teeth bared in a display of shame and nostalgia, "Kaiza was... Kaiza was a man who loved this country, loved its people, and he had set out to protect it all with just his own two arms. Nobody knew where he came from, or how he came to be here, but we had found a place in our hearts with his courage."

"He fought against Gatou-_yarou_, didn't he?"

"Yes, to the bitter end, but even that wasn't enough. When he died before our eyes, Kaiza was smiling; for what, we don't know, but seeing him like that ripped out our hearts, and assured Gatou's victory."

"Hmph. _Ttaku_, talk about pathetic."

"WHAT!"

"Still, you should thank him, nonetheless."

Tazuna blinked in astonishment, "Eh?"

Suddenly, the light of the sun shined brightly, signaling the end of the tunnel. Clear skies brighter than blue shimmered beautifully, and for a moment, the boy's golden mane of hair seemed to resonate with the sun, shining brilliantly, as an all too familiar grin blossomed on his young face. Yes, the old man had seen that grin somewhere before for it was very dear to him, and for the first time in a long time, he felt it stirring that tiny fragile thing his countrymen used to call:

Hope.

"That man's wish, his dying wish; I've received it," Naruto declared proudly as he rose up to his feet.

Again, Tazuna blinked, unable to comprehend the boy's strange words, "K-Kaiza's dying wish?!"

"_Yoshaa_! I've decided: I'm going to do it-_dattebayo_!"

"Wha-what are you going to do? What are you talking about!"

"I'm going to save the Wave, of course! But on three conditions..."

"E-Eh?"

Naruto smiled, a twinkle in his blue eyes:

"First, as long as I'm here, I get to stay with you for free, room and board, the works, _capeche_? Two, if I ask for some help or guidance from you, you're going to do whatever it takes to get me back on track, 'kay? And last but not least, I want --- I want a memento from Kaiza. Heh, it's not unreasonable at all, don't you think, considering you're fighting for the right to live, Tazuna-san?"

* * *

As soon as they hit the edge of the woods, Naruto once again redeployed his security network of _kagebunshin_. There was no telling when an enemy attack would come, and when it did, he had a pretty good feeling Gatou was not about to sending some amateurish _chunin _again. Oh no, this time he would be dealing with _jounin_, if not several squads of _chunin_ at once. Both scenarios ultimately guaranteed a lot of --- unpleasantness, but there was no turning back now, and he sure as hell was not about to cut and run either.

Uzumaki Naruto was a man of his word, and he was going to make this dream come true.

"_Ne-ne_, Tazuna-san, why do you live away from the town?" he asked his client out of curiosity.

His inquiry, oddly enough drew a laugh out of the older man, "No real special reason, super brat. It's just always been that way, though with the way things are, it's kind of a blessing and a curse."

"Oh?"

"Less collateral damage, but if somethin' were to happen, well, no one'd be the wiser, eh?"

"_Oi_, isn't that dangerous for your family?"

"But who's gonna protect us?"

"Hmmm, I see your point," Naruto conceded grudgingly. Hey, just because it was the truth did not mean he had to like the grim reality of it.

It was not long after that the woods parted into a clearing flanked by a river on one side, while the treeline continued uninterrupted at the other side and at the far exit. Looking back in hindsight, it should have been obvious that this was the perfect spot for an ambush. Alack the inexperience of youth because by the time he heard the whistle of steel heading his way, he barely managed to scramble an appropriate response in time.

"GET DOWN!" Naruto roared as he tackled a stunned Tazuna to the ground on impulse.

He supposed he could have just crossed his fingers and hoped that the old man had decent enough reflexes to save his own hide, but the huge buzzing whoosh! overhead quickly changed his mind on the subject. The immediate danger past, Naruto leapt to his feet, blue eyes searching wildly for the flight of the murderous weapon, when an ugly, wrenching thunk caught his ears. At the far end of the clearing, embedded deeply into the trunk of sizeable tree was the biggest sword he had ever seen!

Who the-! How did they get past my guys without me noticing? What could've... Holy Zen, there he is! thought the boy in alarm, as the owner of the _zanbatou_ seemingly blurred into existence, a hulking menace standing atop the handle of his massive weapon. This malicious electricity in the air; he could feel it in his bone. The aura this man gave off was completely different from the Demon Brothers; a clear sign that play time was definitely over. "Naruto Squad: Formation D-Quick!"

On command, his twelve ever present _kagebunshin_ rushed out from the bushes, taking up a defensive formation around Tazuna. Simultaneously, he quickly undid the shoulder straps of his backpack, unhooking the burden and tossing it to Naruto-12, whom he had mentally marked as part of his second team. There was little time to waste in front of the enemy _nin_, and he had to act in the few minutes he had left, as the man gazed over his broad muscled shoulders at him out of the corner of his eye, coldly:

"Beta Team: Execute Plan E-V. Alpha Team: you're with me; spread out!"

With eerie precision, his replicants moved as one in a choreographed movement, half of the _kagebunshin_ covering for the retreating team in an metaphoric exchange of hands, before fanning outwards in a horseshoe shaped line. This was simply a precaution to ensure that the enemy thought twice about trying to breakthrough in order to pursue the team protecting the client. Naruto did not know how long he could hold out, and considering there were likely no avenues of retreat, his only choice was to defeat his enemy here in a decisive battle.

"_Ho_, so the information was right," the _shinobi_'s deep voice boomed at him from all sides, a former Mist ninja judging by his forehead protector. "To be able to defeat the Demon Brothers and execute battle tactics like that in a pinch, using real _bunshin_ no less, you're certainly not the average _genin_."

Naruto snarled back, drawing several kunai out of the holster strapped on his right thigh, "And who the hell are you? Just how did you get past my boys without them noticing?"

"That's the difference between a _jounin_ and a _chunin_, _chibi_."

D-Dammit! I **hate **that word. Gah, gotta calm down; gotta calm down! "Yeah-yeah, sure thing, Jounin-_chan_!"

"Hmm, you've got guts to be addressing me as such, or are you just ignorant?"

"_Che_, I've got no reason to give my name to somebody who doesn't even have the decency to introduce themselves first. And **NO**, throwing that giant _zanbatou_ at me doesn't count!"

"_Ho_, very well then, _chibi_. I am Momochi Zabuza, the infamous Demon of the Hidden Mist, formerly of the Mist's Seven _Shinobi _Swordsmen."

"Well, that explains the humongous swor... Oh _great_, you're another missing-_nin_, aren't you?"

"And what of you, _chibi_?"

"Kkkkk...never heard of ya, you big bastard-argh! Fine. I am the Great Uzumaki Naruto-sama; Konoha's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive _Special_ _Genin_, and I'm gonna kick your ass-_dattebayo_! How'd you like that?"

Zabuza chuckled darkly, as a strange mist began to creep into the area, "Hmph, I've got business with the old man, but I suppose I could spare a few minutes to play with you. After all, my _Kubikiri Houcho_ hasn't tasted blood in a while, and I think you'll at least make a worthy appetizer for her, _fufufufu_..."

_Kubikiri Houcho_ --- the head chopping cleaver? Sheesh, talk about morbid names, then again, the Demon of the Hidden Mist did not look like the type for "pretty" names either.

"_Che_, bring it on, you no-eyebrows freak!" Naruto taunted back, breaking out into a headlong charge across the clearing.

The Demon of the Hidden Mist versus Konoha's Hyperactive Number One --- FIGHT!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 11 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

On the subject of Naruto's power level at the moment, he's somewhat comparable to a _chunin_, though in terms of experience, he really is still only a _genin_. However, having spent virtually day and night studying/training, and actually learning things the proper way and memorizing them (i.e. the crazy test questions on the _chunin_ exams would be a cinch for him), he compensates for his lack of experience by employing the fundamentals, up to date planning, a healthy dose of cynicism/near constant observation-alertness-attention to detail (i.e. the security net of _kagebunshin_), and the usual blend of Naruto hot-blooded courage and determination.

Now, why is he comparable to a _chunin_? Again, he's got the fundamentals, the tactics, his academy level _taijutsu _is solid, and a pretty decent library of _jutsu_. What's stopping him from being a _jounin_ is the huge lack of offensive and defensive _ninjutsu_, i.e. your fire element arts and earth element arts. In other words, he does not have any heavy artillery. Also, he doesn't have any decent _genjutsu _either, and probably learning some more advanced _taijutsu_ wouldn't hurt.

So his arsenal is pretty much: _kagebunshin no jutsu_, _bunshin no jutsu_, _konoha shunshin no jutsu_, the Raijin, various academy _jutsu_ like the _henge_ and _kawarimi no jutsu_, and various ninja weaponry like explosive tags and kunai.

Okay, so how did he beat Kakashi and the Demon Brothers?

In the case of Kakashi, this was not a fight to the death. If it was a fight to the death, Naruto would have been dead before he opened his big fat mouth. Kakashi was not talking him seriously at all; in fact, he grossly underestimated him and was soundly surprised into defeat. Here, Naruto was controlling the pace of the entire fight, lulling Kakashi into complacency, and not giving Kakashi a chance to actually stop, think, and realize that he was being played.

In the case of the Demon Brother, going by canon here these guys were already pathetically weak as far as _chunin_ went. Number one, they were completely relying on the element of surprise and their frightening speed in close quarters, which paints the picture that they were assassination specialists. Number two, they were Mist ninja way out of their element with no water nearby to perform any of their signature water element _ninjutsu_, putting them at another disadvantage. Hell, I'm surprised they were even able to conjure up that puddle of water in the first place. Naruto saw through their scheme, and with a little psychological warfare, he had them right in the palm of his hand. Also, with his present arsenal, he could have easily made short work of them in a brawl, regardless.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	12. Chapter 12

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Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 12:

Momochi Zabuza --- The Demon of the Hidden Mist

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Kkkkk...never heard of ya, you big bastard-argh! Fine. I am the Great Uzumaki Naruto-sama; Konoha's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive _Special_ _Genin_, and I'm gonna kick your ass-_dattebayo_! How'd you like that?"

Zabuza chuckled darkly, as a strange mist began to creep into the area, "Hmph, I've got business with the old man, but I suppose I could spare a few minutes to play with you. After all, my _Kubikiri Houcho_ hasn't tasted blood in a while, and I think you'll at least make a worthy appetizer for her, _fufufufu_..."

_Kubikiri Houcho_ --- the head chopping cleaver? Sheesh, talk about morbid names, then again, the Demon of the Hidden Mist did not look like the type for "pretty" names either.

"_Che_, bring it on, you no-eyebrows freak!" Naruto taunted back, breaking out into a headlong charge across the misty clearing.

The Demon of the Hidden Mist versus Konoha's Hyperactive Number One --- FIGHT!

* * *

Immediately, Zabuza grabbed a hold of his _zanbatou_ and kicked off the tree, launching himself towards the river in a neat blur. Instead of plowing through the water, to Naruto's private dismay, the _jounin_ landed with barely a ripple, a clear sign of his excellent _chakra _control. The rapid dispersion of blue _chakra_ permeating across the river's surface though the Demon of the Mist's feet told him in a heartbeat that his opponent was about to unleash some foul _ninjutsu_, and all he needed to do now was just complete the sequence of hand seals. If this came down to a _ninjutsu_ battle, he was most certainly doomed.

"Like Hell, I'm going to let you: _KURAEE_!" Naruto roared, pivoting about in mid-run to switch his standard kunai for a pre-prepared "explosive" kunai.

Channeling a sliver of _chakra_ to ignite the explosive tag attached in the same motion, he hurled the projectile at Zabuza's feet, determined to disrupt the _ninjutsu_ and force the man to dodge. Yet, apparently caught of guard by his decisive action, the _jounin_ made no such move, a choked cry erupting from his throat, before a fiery explosion embraced him. The intense heat burned away at the mist, as the blast sent a cascade of water splashing into the air, while the blonde-haired _genin_ shielded his face from the elements.

Did ---Did I get him? Argh! _Che_, that just wishful thinking, he berated himself at his naive hope.

Sure enough, Naruto got his answer in the form of a buzzing whistle that erupted from behind him. He whirled about just to catch a gleam of silver, the edge of a huge disc-like blur bearing down on him. Where the hell it had come from, the hyperactive _genin_ did not have a clue, but more importantly, there was not enough time for him to dodge it easily. Forced to break his stance, Naruto bent over backwards as if he were in a reverse cartwheel, dodging the whirlwind of a blade by the barest of margins. He could literally feel the turbulence left by its massive wake, sending cold chills up his spine, as it passed by, ruffling his clothes and hair.

Completing the rest of his cartwheel, Naruto popped back up, only to freeze suddenly when he heard the sharp slap of flesh accompanied by the ring of metal blast his ears from behind. The eerie electricity of a malicious shadow falling on him vaguely registered on his mind, but this sure as hell was no time to hesitate! Immediately, his hands flew through the hand seals, even as the cold sleep of death came screaming down on him:

"_KONOHA-SHUNSHIN NO JUTSU_!"

WHOOSH.

The crack of earth exploding into the air was unexpected. Leaves fluttered about his face, and oddly, Zabuza could not help but chuckle in dark bemusement when he felt the illicit touch of cold steel pressed against his naked stomach. The body flicker technique, such a move was to be expected of a _genin_, but few greenhorns learned it, and even fewer had the guts to use it at point-blank range in the face of imminent death.

"Not bad, not bad at all, _gaki_-dono," Zabuza congratulated coolly the quivering boy, blood dribbling from a fresh cut upon his cheek, a sign that he had only escaped death by a hair. How lucky for him, eh? "Now then, can you actually do what's necessary?"

Outrage and fear, flickered across those young blue eyes, a naive fool's eyes, Naruto snarled back, baring his teeth like fangs to bolster his meager resolve, "Sh-SHUT THE HELL UP! What-whatever happens, I can't let you get passed me. I made a promise: everything rests on this one small hope. I won't let your selfish ambition devour this country's future into eternal darkness; tell that to Gatou too when you see him, you monster!"

Pathetic; another wannabe-hero? "And can you really kill for that, Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Who said I was going to kill anybody?"

Hmm? The little bastard's grinning?

"You're just going to sleep for a while, Zabuza-san, and I guarantee it's going to suck when you wake up."

The violent crackle of electricity raised Zabuza's brow visible in awe, as he finally recognized the weapon in the boy's hand, "Konoha's Raijin? The Nidaime Hokage's Raijin? But how?"

"Sweet dreams, O Demon of the Hidden Mist... **HOWL** --- _RAI-JIN_!"

The clearing shuddered with a violent earth-shaking crack, darkness unto light, as the bolt of crackling blue roared into the sky, a sword of fury slicing through the mist. Looking back from his later years, Naruto figured that using the Raijin in anger, especially a point blank shot, was a bad, bad idea. Why? Because the recoil of an "outraged shot" was incomprehensibly worse than the mother of all handcannons (the Smith & Wesson Model 500 fifty-caliber magnum revolver, that is 18-inches of titanium insanity), which a certain soon-to-be "partner" of his absolutely adored. Of course, nothing could compare to her much adored Black Barrel (that is, the multiverse's ultimate B.F.G. in a compact package); that _thing_ was a monster.

Anyways, if he was just an ordinary human being, such reckless weapons, not to mention insane attacks, would have broken, if not shattered his arm several times over. However, thanks to the "blessing" of the Kyuubi and growing up in his crazy world, the Raijin simply knocked him flat on his back, bouncing him off the dirt where he came to a rolling stop some yards away from where he began. Naruto was singed from head to toe, burn marks pockmarked his utility vest, as wisps of steam rose from his exposed blistering skin.

Now, that sucked; better yet, that F--King HURT!

"Damn-Dammit!" he cursed between clenched teeth, his glasses askew as he struggled to stand.

Nausea and vertigo confounded his senses, the world a delirious mix of colors and white noise. Out of habit, Naruto reached up to prop up his glasses, and oddly enough that seemed to help ease his recovery. The first thing he noticed was the blast zone, a tract of charred earth beginning from a single large crater, hissing with flames and smoke that stretched all the way towards the riverbank. When he had used this technique on Kakashi, it had not been anywhere near as spectacular, and even stranger, there was steaming pool of water in the center of the crater.

Now, the million yen question was: where the hell was Zabuza?

"T-_Taichou_-urgh!" came a gurgled scream from behind him.

Immediately, Naruto whirled about just to be treated to the body of one of his _kagebunshin_ smiling crimson from ear to ear hit the deck with a wrenching thud, before exploding into a mild puff of smoke. Standing there was none other than the Demon of the Hidden Mist, smug as a cat and nary a scratch him:

"Looking for me, Kid?"

"Y-You --- You NO-EYEBROWS FREAK! How did you-?" the blonde-haired genin stuttered in shock, only to have his question answered by a deadly smirk.

"_Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu_. Did you honestly think you were the only one who could use **real **_bunshin_?"

"D-Dammit!" Did he see through my plans?

"Oh, don't worry, I'm still here, though I have to admit, I'm impressed a brat like you knows _kagebunshin no jutsu_. Your little friends put up quite a fight, when I --- or should I say? --- **we **snuck up on them?"

Naruto was suddenly deathly aware he was not alone, as he was surrounded by seven _mizu_ _bunshin_, though they gave him a wide berth. Looks like there was going to be no easy to get out of this mess he had landed himself in, considering retreat was out of the question. He was still burned out from that last attack with the Raijin, his chakra acting all sorts of "funny." At best, he would probably have enough control just to power up the Raijin to form a blade or use his academy _ninjutsu_, definitely not his idea of a good time.

"Now, let's finish this: KILL HIM!" roared Zabuza, a mad gleam in his eyes for the slaughter he perceived to come.

The first replicant charged at Naruto from his left flank, a fierce battle cry on his lips, the zanbatou held in a two-handed grasp, clearly intending to finish this in close quarters. It was exactly the sort of blessing the hyperactive _nin_ because at least he had a slim chance in a _taijutsu_ battle. Channeling chakra into the Raijin, a crackling blade of electricity, shimmering blue, ignited out from its hilt, as he charged the approaching _mizu bunshin_ with his own battle cry.

Confident with the deadly reach of _Kubikiri Houcho_, Zabuza-1 (as the _genin_ subconsciously named his target) lashed out with a powerful overhead diagonal cut. Normally, it would have been wise to simply evade out of the way of the humongous blade, but this was hardly a normal situation, and Naruto was perfectly willing to gamble for victory, betting his life on the line. The blonde-haired boy dove headlong into his opponent's guard, a flicker of surprise flashing across the replicant's face for an instant, as his _zanbatou_ splintered the earth with a thunderous crash.

Pushing off his forearm with cat-like grace into a roll, Naruto slashed at Zabuza-1's ankles, and bounded uninterrupted to his feet, ignoring the disbelieving death knell of the replicant dispersing into water. Clearly not happy at the demise of their comrade, the two _mizu bunshin_ ahead of him opened fire with a whistling volley of shuriken. The excitement of adrenaline blasting through his hot veins, Naruto leapt up, evading most of the projectiles, while deflecting the remaining few with swipes from the Raijin before swiftly tossing a single kunai back at the charging duo.

It was a deceptively amateurish throw, passing right between them, as they planned to intercept him in the critical moment when he landed. Of course, they completely missed out on the spark from his little present he had attached to it long before this journey had even begun, when a sudden explosion from behind sent them staggering forwards off-balance and helpless. Naruto wasted no time and decisively pounced in between the disoriented pair, the Raijin twirling about in his hand into a reverse grip while his other hand drew a kunai in a flourish, and stabbed them both in the guts.

Splashes of dispersing water against his face, let him know the deed was done, but alas, there was little time to rest as another crisis reared its ugly head. Accompanied by bloodthirsty war cries, the remaining four _mizu bunshin_ had charged him as well, and were almost right on top of him. Time was short, but what the hell could he do to take them all out at once?

**As much as I would enjoy watching you get butchered into tiny little bloody pieces**, **Naruto-human**, a familiar voiced boomed in his head suddenly, as time seemed to slow to a crawl.

Mentally, Naruto choked in surprise, not expecting **her** to make her first appearance in days at such a critical moment, the blasted fox:

K-Kyu-Kyuubi? D-DAMMIT! What the hell do you want now?

**Come now**, **stitching you back together would be _awfully _boring**, **mor-tal**.

I'm kinda BUSY here, you bitch fox!

**Is that anyway to speak to your patron GOD**, **_kukuku_**?

Dammit, stop screwing with my head already, will ya? I have to kick these guys' asses and still have to go tear Zabuza over there a new one.

**_Ho_**, **the fallacy of human pride and prejudice never ceases to amuse**.

W-Wha?

**My**, **my**, **do I _really _have to give you the answers on a silver platter**, **hu**-**man**, **_fufufu_**?

Crap, their blades are coming in! Gotta think, gotta think! Concentrate!

**Use this time well**; **tick-tock**,** clackitty-clack-clack**, **ding-dong**; **in this instant gap of borrowed time**, **you**'**re much faster than you think you are**.

Just as suddenly as she came, the dark inky void in his mind left him, sending a wave of wrenching nausea through his system. What a vile thing she was, but her words --- her words had struck a chord of inspiration in him. With whatever unholy power she possessed, Kyuubi had bought him time, that sly fox! Tossing his kunai and the Raijin skyward, Naruto quickly flew through a sequence of hand seals, racing against time, as the the blades came at him, just about to brush against his clothes and skin:

"_YOSHA_! _Kawarimi no Jutsu_!"

In an explosion of smoke, the flow of time resumed as it should, the quartet of smashed into each other with a confused metallic clamor, sparks flying of their killing edges. The _mizu bunshin_ gaped, searching wildly for their prey, when the pressure of a massive chakra build up hit them from above. They looked up just in time to catch, the tail end of Naruto's triumphant cry, the Raijin crackling like a miniature sun in his hand:

"_HOEROU _--- RAIJIN!"

**KRAK**-**TAKKK**!

The fury of five suns rightfully vaporized the replicants in a flashing instant, sundering the earth with a mighty crack, as the shockwave of the blast knocked Naruto clear out of the way. Exhaustion; the flow of adrenaline ebbing in his system, his landing was rough, knees nearly buckling underneath his body weight, which felt ten times heavier than usual. It was taking all of his will just to remain standing, as the Raijin clattered noisily onto the dirt, fallen through his nerveless finger.

Blood dribbled down from more shallow cuts, soaking his clothes with crimson, freshly made and a testament he had yet again escaped death by a hair. The destruction he had wrought yet again was absolute leaving a charred molten crater, though in his addled mind, he could not grasp the increased power behind his strikes. Was it possible that the Raijin's strength depended upon his will?

Argh, never mind that --- just how much chakra do I have left anyway? Naruto thought between grit teeth, lines of weariness spreading across his soiled face. He felt like hell, and if he could see himself, he supposed he looked like hell too. Shoot, I feel like I've forgotten something. Ye-yeah, that's right. Where's Zabu-?

SMASH.

Vaguely, Naruto registered the fact that some sonuvagun had just broken his glasses, shattering them in fact with an earthshaking kick, as some of the shards embedded themselves into his face. On the other hand, his neck really, really hurt because that kick had effectively wrenched his head back, lifting him off the ground. In fact, it was so powerful that the hyperactive _nin_ imagined he would have done a full back-flip, if it were not for Zabuza being a rather zealous prick when it came to breaking his opponent's will.

"_Suiton_ --- **_Suiryuudan_ _no Jutsu_**!

So it seemed there was a first time for everything because this was certainly the first time he had ever been bitten by a water dragon, literally. Carrying him in its mouth, a strangled scream pried from his lips, as the chakra beast rocketed skyward. The world hung motionless for a second, before air rapidly came shrieking into his ears, indicative of the impact to come, which looking back, really --- really hurt.

Earth and soggy dirt exploded outwards from the crater, pain receptor burned out into white noise; it was by some superhuman misfortune he had not passed out. Helplessly, Naruto gazed up at the strangely darkening sky, his body broken, gasping weakly for air as blood and water threatened to choke him. His mind registered, vaguely, the first needle of rain slapping across his face --- but wait, when was rain the color of blood?

A sandaled foot slammed down on to guts, harshly expelling the air out of his lungs; pain was already beyond him, and yet this bastard still had the nerve to torture him? What a sadist. Then again, he was Momochi Zabuza --- the Demon of the Hidden Mist:

"You fought well, kid, much better than anybody could've expected, but a _genin_ is still a _genin_. If I had met you sooner, perhaps I could've had a use for you, _fufufu_. But those eyes --- ah, yes --- those eyes are completely different from _his_. You have your own dream to follow, don't you, _kouzou_?"

Funny, looks like it really was raining blood, the sky so black and ominous. Oh yeah, now Naruto remembered that Yuuko had told him that those glasses were supposed to suppress his recently gained "talents." Was the nightmarish scene forming before his very eyes the _Truth _he had denied himself to see? Darkness and decay set in for as far as his eyes could see, and right front of him, he could begin to see the missing nin begin to change as well.

Half-man, and well half-something else, Zabuza was transforming before his very eyes into an otherworldly hellspawn, with chained hooks buried into his molten flesh, as the _Kubikiri Houcho_ appeared to take on its true form. Wailing faces, perhaps the demon's past victims, began to stretch and batter themselves outwards across the twisted darkening surface of the living corrupted blade, strife with eyes and mouths that bled blood and chaos. Ghouls and wraiths grasped and howled at him, a sickly black miasma oozing out of every orifice, a cloud of death that struck terror in the hearts of heroes and men.

And oh, Naruto was scared. He had never seen anything more terrible in his life for this was a nightmare come true, his sanity eroding in the face of the "Truth" his young mind could not bare. Was this a delusion, some sick psychosis of ihs mind, making him see things that were not really there? Or, was this the truth, the true shape of the ugly world he lived in?

If it were not for the fact that his body was a wreck, and he was pinned underneath the demonic talon-laden foot of one Momochi Zabuza, Naruto was fairly certain he would have ran off to the woods. He would be screaming stark raving mad, pulling at his hair, and trying to find a hole to hide himself in from the apparent coming of the apocalypse. Again, he had a decent head on his shoulders, right-minded, but he was by no means fearless. Human beings were not a problem to him, but this --- supernatural-paranormal stuff? No; oh no, this was NOT something he had prepared most of his life to deal with!

"You're that broken, huh? Shame: what a waste of potential, but I can't allow you to live either," the mockery that was Zabuza chuckled at him, brandishing his _zanbatou_, poised to deliver the execution. "This is the end of your story, Uzumaki Naruto."

Lightning flashed across the sky, turning darkness into light for an instant.

Somebody...

Anybody...

Shion...

Maru...

Moro...

Yuuko...

Kyu...Kyuubi...

I-Iruka-sensei...

Please...

Please, help me...

I can't do this alone...

If this keeps up, I'm --- I'm going to die...

I don't wanna die --- again, never again...

I'm --- I'm falling...

Falling away...

Suffocating...

Choking...

Drowning in black blood...

All black...

Somebody...

Please...

Please...!

HELP ME!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 12 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	13. Chapter 13

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 13:

In the Rain

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

I'm --- I'm falling...

Falling away...

Suffocating...

Choking...

Drowning in black blood...

All black...

Somebody...

Please...

Please...!

HELP ME!

* * *

For a moment, in a rare break from his usual "less talking, more killing" professional modus operandi, Momochi Zabuza paused to consider his latest victim, that is, what he had seen in the "death throes" of his victim just moments before. Still _Kubikiri Houcho_ remained poised, ready to kill at his command, but the --- bizarre case of Uzumaki Naruto, had peaked his "philosophical" interest. A man of control, never before had he witnessed such emotion:

Agony.

Desperation.

Regret.

And then...

Fear...

No.

Terror, absolute terror.

Suddenly, the blonde-haired boy seemed to have a seizure, clawing wildly at his own throat, as if he were suffocating, pupils dilating before narrowing to tiny pin prick, and then --- he was gone. The "light" in his blue eyes had gone out, dimming to a mute silence, his arms sprawled out at his sides, unmoving. The only sign he even seemed to be physically alive was the subtle rise and fall of his chest, as the rain continued to pour in waves of needles and the darkened sky roared with thunder, flashing with violet lightning.

He really did not understand it. Granted, he heard of _ninjutsu_ capable of destroying the mind, but he had done no such thing, so what could have prompted such a reaction? Alas, Zabuza figured he had wasted enough time as is, so he might as well get this over with:

"_Oi_, brat, just to let you know I had fun playing around with you, but a guy like you is better off in the arms of Buddha or a Demon. This world has nothing for you, a mere cog in a machine that only turns and does as its told. Your dreams will never be realized, chained down by the weak and the corrupt. Therefore, become a sacrifice in blood so I can realize MY dream, UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

The sky flashed, splitting apart in a furious scream for an instant, and all was white save for the spray of crimson flowing into the air. Bloodstained the ground, but there was an unexpected --- smell in the air. The Demon of the Hidden Mist stood, poised in mid-strike, his _zanbatou_ hovering just above the borderline of death. His time with Gatou, a despicable pig that one was, had an oddly beneficial side-effect, that is, the pig had enlightened him to the ways of the cosmopolitan world beyond the Elemental Countries.

In the far West, he had learned of a thing called "Black Powder," a harmless substance when inert, but a little flame and it would turn explosive in a heartbeat. Pack enough of it into a "Cannon," and a lord could conquer even the strongest fortifications by blasting them to smithereens. Better yet, rank and file soldiers behind these beasts could slaughter entire formations of men and beast alike, shattering morale much more effectively than arrows could ever hope. He had nearly been driven mad with glee by the possibilities, if he could harness this power and bring it to bear upon the old fools of the Hidden Mist!

Oh, and he remembered the smell well, all too well:

Blood.

Ashes.

Smoke.

Bitter.

Acrid.

Yes, he could smell all those things coming from this --- _girl_ --- standing just a few yards away from him, even as the woods behind him burned in a vast, angry inferno, a swathe of destruction carved through it by a single smoking "Gun." It was the most beautiful little handcannon he had ever seen, sleek and black, far more advanced than those prototypes he had seen in the West. Granted, the little thing would be no more than a toy in his big rough hands, but it amused him no less.

Now, the _girl_ --- she was a thing worth of interest too. Tall and fair, the phrase "The Bronze Athena" seemed to fit perfectly to describe her exotic beauty, a buxom girl on the verge of womanhood, but she was no doll to be toyed with for she was a killer; he could smell it, feel it, and see it. The girl looked like she had come fresh from a battlefield, her clothes torn and soiled, that natural tanned skin, a delightful golden brown, rife with cuts and bruises, stained with blood, her long dark hair frayed and singed from flame.

But most importantly, the one thing that burned her image permanently upon his thoughts were her eyes. Sharingan they were not, and certainly not the Hyuuga Clan's Byakugan; why they all paled in comparison to her eyes. An expanse of exhilarating colors radiated like open glittering flames from those rainbow-hued irises, shifting colors to a melody unheard and unseen: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, and colors yet not named all in-between.

Zabuza sneered openly, a dark chuckle escaping his lips, "That's an interesting bloodline limit you have there, _girl_."

"Hm, so they have _those _in this world too, _shinobi_? I guess, some things never change," she returned to him in kind, a cool emotionless mezzo-soprano, music to his ears for it was akin to steel.

"This world? _Fufufu_, why I don't have the slightest clue to where you came from or what you're talking about, but there's one thing I'm certain of."

"That is?"

"To mark my face **and **interrupt me in the middle of _business_ --- you owe me big time, _you bitch_."

"Really?"

"_Aa_, hahaha, but it'd be such a waste to kill something as _rare _as you. No, I have a much better idea in mind. I'm going to fix you up just like the priest, Daruma --- AND LEAVE YOU TO REFLECT ON THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!"

To her credit, the girl was not fazed at all by the violent declaration, though her defiance drew on his maddening blood lust even more. Still, she had something to ask of him, taking a profound step forwards, "Just one question..."

"_What_?" the Demon of the Hidden Mist snapped back, just barely holding back the urge to start his work on his latest prey.

"I've got no name to give to a murderer who'd kill a child, defenseless and unconscious, but I do have a question even for the _likes _of you..."

"_Ho_, those conceited words coming from a girl stinking of blood-!"

"'_A gunman is a professional_._ One who shoots with her moods is just a shooter_.' Now, my question and listen well, _kusotare_!"

"Rrrrrr...!"

"My eyes are having some problems seeing you, like they're seeing too much all at once, so answer this for me: are you a **Demon**,or just the leftover scraps of a **dog **who thought he was a _Man_, a **murderer**?"

With those damning words said, there was no further need for conversation, as the sky poured a fresh deluge of rain harder. From a safe vantage behind the treeline to her flank that still remained untouched by the dying fire, Zabuza reappeared in a swirl of water, courtesy of the Hidden Mist's "_mizu-shunshin no jutsu_", but before he could give the command to attack to his waiting water clones, something --- _queer _--- happened. The Demon of the Hidden Mist felt a piercing gaze sweep over him, freezing him briefly on the spot, and sure enough, there was the Girl staring at him with her ethereal rainbow eyes.

She had not moved an inch from where she stood, making eye contact despite his concealment, and gazing at him with naked contempt, "You can _run _if you want to, but you can't _hide _from me."

Impossible! How can she me? How did she even know I'd be here? Zabuza raged in disbelief, as the girl holstered her gun into a holster on her hip, attached to a bandolier hanging comfortably by her waist. If there was time to reassess the situation, now would be a brilliant time to do so!

The bandolier itself sported a second larger holster for a long gun apparently that was presently empty, including several utility pouches here and there, which also appeared to be empty. Whether if she had anymore holsters on the bandolier itself, on her person, or if she had any other armaments, he could not tell. Otherwise, the only other thing that stood out were the twin white discs attached like bracelets--- if not built-in --- to her black archery gloves: one was damaged with numerous cracks, occasionally giving off sparks. The other was still operational, despite being badly battered.

If he struck decisively, perhaps there was still a chance-!

"I _know _what you're thinking," she spoke to him, her eyes blazing bright suddenly.

A terrible shockwave ripped through the clearing, blasting away his mist, and nearly sending him toppling from his perch in surprise. In-Incredible! What...

"'..._killing intent from just a child_,' isn't that right,?"

Keh! Dammit, that _bitch_...

"...Has _such _unpleasant eyes, _ne_?" the girl spat venomously, taking an offensive stance, a form he had never seen before. Basic by all accounts the stance was, and perhaps too loose: her feet spread apart, her body erect, and her hands held open as if she were about to receive something. "_Ttaku_, a _shinobi_ that's lost its cool is no fun at all."

WHAT!

"Shame; I'm not really in the mood for killing right now. It's been a _long_ day for me, and I've turned over more than a few new leaves, so I suppose I'll give you a small benediction. Though next time, I'll make a note to have some fun, a fairer fight if you will, for this power will not last much longer. Ether Circuit --- Lock: _release_."

An explosion of power unlike any other ripped through clearing --- no --- the entire countryside. Everything was glowing white, the trees and even the earth, as pure white particles floated into the air. Zabuza could not fathom what he was witnessing; it shook him to his core, making him cower in awe for the first time in his life. How could a single human being be responsible for all this? And oh he was dead certain it was coming from _her_, the one thing he could be sure of in this extraordinary circumstance.

Whipping the air in a frenzy and sending her hair billowing out like a living cape, an intricate seal had formed at her feet, the pentagram laced with sigils and arcane words that defied understanding, sprouting a spiraling column of energy that rose to the heavens. She was surrounded in a maelstrom of power, a silvery glow radiating off her in waves, as the apparent life force of the very world was gathering between her outstretched hands. Yes, in her hands she was harnessing what could have only been a miniature shining star in her hands.

And so she recited:

"_Una bendicion por los vivos_. _Una rama de flor por los muertos_. _RES _**ARCANA MANA**!"

CLAP.

"Command Seal: **WOUND **--- _execute_."

**_AGONY_**.

White.

* * *

When Momochi Zabuza returned to the land of the living, he noted several things:

1. He could not move his body at all. Damn.

2. Everything smelled of blood, burnt flesh, and disinfectant in the form of alcohol.

3. There was an irritating buzz in his head, if not his entire body, which vaguely reminded him of pain, but supposed this was what it was like to have his ability to feel pain completely shot to Hell.

4. He must have lost consciousness at some point, but when?

5. His memory was damned foggy. S--t.

6. Was it raining when he lost consciousness? Because it certainly was raining right now.

7. He was out in the woods somewhere.

8. He felt maddeningly weak.

9. Oh, there's Haku.

10. Speak of which, where's that blondie and the old --- wait, HAKU!

"Ah, Zabuza-sama, thank goodness!" the boy greeted him, his muffled mellifluous voice lilting with relief behind his hunter-_nin _mask.

Zabuza growled irritably at his soft fool of a protégé. Why he insisted on wearing that "fake" mask at a time like this, whatever reasons he may have had, were wholly inappropriate in the Demon's mind, "Blood and Ashes, take that damned mask off already, Haku. I'm not in the mood for your trivial self-indulgence."

"But, Zabuza-san, it's been so long since I wore this-"

"Don't change the subject, you wicked little bastard. Tell me, what's the damage?"

At his sharp rebuke, Haku sulked ever so slightly, the subtle slump of his shoulders, though his voice did not lose its cool whimsical nature at all, "Ah, about that..."

"Get on with it."

"Your wounds are grotesque, Zabuza-san. Even with the aid of a skilled medic-_nin_, it would take you several weeks to recover your strength, if not more time to ensure a healthy recovery. Though it was apparently her intent to wound you, that --- _girl_ --- has wrecked your beautiful body. A normal man would have bled to death from the extent of the crippling injuries you sustained. To meet such an opponent who can wound you so --- is no small matter."

"_Well_?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, dammit, did you see what _she_ did to me?"

"There are not enough words to describe the _miracle _she wrought, Zabuza-san."

"What? A miracle?"

"Never before could I have imagined a single human being capable of such thing; the roaring beautiful, brilliant light... What she did was not something in the realm of us _shinobi_. The only word that comes to mind that could even come close to what she did is --- _magic_ --- for it was with this ethereal power that she seized a hold of you with a wave of white, dragged you into the open, and _commanded _your own body to rip itself apart from the inside out. It was --- it was all I could do not to intervene. I --- I was afraid I would lose you, Zabuza-sama."

Zabuza scoffed nonchalantly, "Never mind your sentiment and superstitions, Haku. We have little use for that; now, can we still win?"

"That..." Haku sighed in reply, his heart and mind heavy with doubts, "I do not know. She was --- an unexpected factor, even I did not sense her presence until she opened fire with her weapon. Her clothes, manner, beauty, and power is unlike anything we've ever encountered before. I wonder if she is some kind of agent of providence, be it angel or demon?"

"Eh?"

"She spared you, Zabuza-san."

"SHE WHAT?"

"In light of her decisive blow, you were completely at her mercy, unconscious, and I was about to use my _senbon_ to fake your own death..."

"And she did WHAT?"

"She took the boy and walked away, Zabuza-san. I do not know what she intended, for she surely knew bett-"

"That damned _bitch_! Is she mocking me?"

"Please, let us retreat for now. We're hardly in a position to fight her right away. Information is what we need to ensure our victory in the coming weeks. Surely, the witch --- err --- _girl_ is not invulnerable, and besides, she must just be a wandering good Samaritan whom shall shortly be on her..."

"Enough! Get me the hell out of here," Zabuza snarled irately, cutting his subordinate off.

As much as he hated to admit it, Haku was the cooler of their two heads right now, and damned well, was he right. Granted, a _jounin_ like him was not one to sulk after the many battles, the many lives he had taken, but for once in his bloody life, the Demon of the Hidden Mist could only bite his lip in absolute consternation. He did not like being treated like an invalid, yet he would have to rely on the boy to protect him and see to it that necessary tasks be accomplished in the meantime. Haku was a precise, reliable, and loyal tool. He did not make mistakes. Still, it was not going to make facing the pig, Gatou, and his irritating complaints any easier either.

This was going to be a very, very long day.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 13 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Yes, it's short as hell, but this is actually closer to my normal/reasonable chapter lengths; I'm really not the type for 4000+ word monsters and worse yet the 10000+ abominations. Those abominations absolutely bore me to tears, and besides, I covered what I wanted to here. And yes, Zabuza just got his ass handed to him by a _magi_. Go figure. Oh, and if somebody spots the Blade of the Immortal and Black Lagoon references, kudos to you!

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Special Note: A blessing for the living. A flower branch for the dead.

I think y'all can figure out where that fits, right?

_Tsudzuku_!


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 14:

Respite

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Please, let us retreat for now. We're hardly in a position to fight her right away. Information is what we need to ensure our victory in the coming weeks. Surely, the witch --- err --- _girl_ is not invulnerable, and besides, she must just be a wandering good Samaritan whom shall shortly be on her..."

"Enough! Get me the hell out of here," Zabuza snarled irately, cutting his subordinate off.

As much as he hated to admit it, Haku was the cooler of their two heads right now, and damned well, was he right. Granted, a _jounin_ like him was not one to sulk after the many battles, the many lives he had taken, but for once in his bloody life, the Demon of the Hidden Mist could only bite his lip in absolute consternation. He did not like being treated like an invalid, yet he would have to rely on the boy to protect him and see to it that necessary tasks be accomplished in the meantime. Haku was a precise, reliable, and loyal tool. He did not make mistakes. Still, it was not going to make facing the pig, Gatou, and his irritating complaints any easier either.

This was going to be a very, very long day.

* * *

Hey, you!

Wake up.

I said, '_WAKE UP_,' **hu**-_man_.

Rrrrrrrrr...!

WAKE UP!

Don't make me say it again, **mor-tal**; I guarantee you're going to regret it, _fufufu_.

Oh?

Still not listening to me, your **God**?

Very well, so shall it be done! And let there be LIGHT, OH-HOHOHOHO!

* * *

From this particular incident, looking back years from now, Naruto realized exactly why he hated rude awakenings, especially from his personal "roommate." After all, Kyuubi did not exactly make the ideal nursemaid, considering the concepts of delicacy and "be gentle" completely failed to register in her twisted mind. Her idea of a wake up call was to perform a dive bomb from the highest point possible and land --- more like PARK --- her rump right on his guts.

The forceful landing did wonders to wake him up, namely expelling out all the air in his lungs by the force contraction of his of diaphragm, and by involuntary reflex, making him bolt upright into a sitting position. Obviously anticipating this, the demon fox kindly headbutted him with all the force she could muster, flooring him back onto the bed with a tortured groan. However, before he could even favor his new injury, she decided to interrupt oh-so-affectionately by pouncing on him, slamming him down some more, her claws digging ever so slightly into his shoulders, a friendly reminder of course, as she brought them nearly face to face.

"Hul-lo, Naruto-human, did'ja miss me, _hmmm_?" Kyuubi cooed cruelly at him.

If it were not the fact he was in a world of hurt and discomfort, Naruto supposed he could have come up with a pretty dastardly retort. Alas, he had to settle for diplomacy instead, "...well...hello to you too --- _bitch_ fox."

"Tsk, tsk, you never learn do you?"

"And...neither do you, argh! J-Just...where...am I...? This bed...definitely...ain't...mine..."

"Oh, this would be the old fool's house."

"The old...say WHA-Eeeehhh!"

For whatever reasons, Kyuubi always found that the best way to shut him up was to invade his personal space. He swore the killer loligoth demoness had absolutely no sense of shame; on top of her extraordinarily disproportionate strength, it did not help that her mass of tails maid very effective restraints. Thusly, Naruto found himself suddenly very intimate and close, namely foreheads touching, and nose to nose with his --- errr --- demonic "roommate."

She smirked at him toothily, as he reddened from head to toe, "My, my, so you are a **_boy_**. I was starting to wonder if you had become a eunuch --- or maybe --- how do the humans put it? --- you're into _that_ kind of way."

"...k-k-k-kYU-kyuubi! The..the-th-the-t-the hell...rrr-are...you d-d-d-doing?" the blonde-haired boy squeeked girlishly, barely above a whisper.

"My, oh, my, you're even more helpless than I thought, Naruto-human. Shame, and I thought you were actually worth something."

"WH-what!"

"Tsk, tsk, now-now, you wouldn't want to be rude to your savior now, would you?"

"Y-You...you save-?"

"No, not me. A glance to your right, if you _will_, foolish **mor_-tal_**, but do be courteous, she finally fell asleep after all this --- _time_."

On one hand, he really did want to take his eyes off of Kyuubi, just in case she tried to something funny to him. On the flip side, he really-really did not want to be looking at her either because that was a rather profound reminder of just how close they were, and just how easily the demon fox in his head could do something funny to him...

Pause.

Okay, now _that_ was just retarded, Naruto sighed inwardly.

Seriously, what did he have to lose by listening to Kyuubi at the moment? Cripes, it was not like he was in any immediate danger of losing his life, and besides, she already owned his life. What she wanted was his soul, and by Buddha, he was not going to let her have it! Right, so how about mustering up some of that good old courage so he could at least have to decency to thank...

Whoa.

Wait a second...

A _girl _saved him?

Naruto gaped in profound realization, and promptly glanced aside to ascertain the truth.

Needless to say, she was one of the most beautiful things he had seen to date, and that was not an everyday occurrence to say to least, as living around Yuuko and the twins had raised his appreciation for beauty rather high. Vaguely, he registered the Kyuubi pulling back just so he could get a better look, apparently. Against the plain backdrop of the guest room, lighted only by the wane light of the afternoon amidst the rainstorm that still pounded upon the singular window in the room, she came across oddly enough as a panther guarding her territory to him.

Tall and already stunningly endowed, he reckoned she was several years older than him, at least two --- maybe three, as that was about the right age for girls to "fill out," something about puberty according to Shion. The dusky-skinned girl lay sprawled out in an arm chair, leaning back lazily with her hands clasped loosely together in her lap. Granted, she had certainly seen better days, her hair tangled and singed, while her clothes sported numerous tears and burns, revealing her wounds beneath. It was a miracle nothing had gotten infected yet.

She could use the attention of a medic-_nin _or two, a bath, and a change of clothes would not hurt either. Aside from the blatant wreak of carnage, he could tell by way of her worn and fraying outfit that she must have been a soldier or fighter of some sort. Of course, the fact it was quite fashionable and --- "sexy" --- was a plus: the black leotard-like sleeveless body suit, the white chaps with matching combat boots (steel-toed no doubt), the brown bandolier harness with various holsters and utility pouches, and the black archery gloves with strange white discs built-in at the wrists.

Last came her sturdy short-sleeved khaki jacket, and the white ribbons braided intricately into two long tresses of hair that fell over her shoulders. All in all, Naruto would have easily given her a "10" at a beauty contest, if he were the judge. In fact, the Kyuubi did not miss his cross-examination either at the guest room's other occupant, namely his apparent savior.

She whistled in a chastising manner, parking her rump roughly on his stomach yet again, earning a pained "Uooff!" out of him, "_Oya-oya_, what's this? Like what you see, **mor-tal**?"

"G-Gah, what's your problem, dammit?" the blonde-haired boy snapped, a sour grimace on his face.

"Oh nothin' much, just wondering how you're going to handle this crisis, considering you brilliantly fumbled the ball on the last one and should have been killed yet again, _fufufu_."

"Sh-Shut up, dammit! As if you could've..."

"_Au contraire_, I could have done _much _better. After all, _karma _is not something I have to worry about, an agent of control that I am, for you are the disease, and I --- am the _cure_. That Never-Cuts-Once fool has no idea what a _real _demon is..."

Naruto frowned, eyeing the demon fox girl-_thing_ dubiously, "And just what are you getting at?"

"I could lend you some of my _chakra_ from time to time --- for a _price_, of course," Kyuubi smiled back at him, baring her fangs openly for him to see.

"Oh, like my soul, right?"

"HA-HAHahahahhaha; oh, that's a good one! Honestly, do you think I'm THAT shallow, Naruto-human?"

"Hells YEAH-_dattebayo_!"

Twitch-twitch.

"_Well _**then** --- certainly, don't blame me later when you suffer for your ingratitude."

"You wish!"

"The famous last words of a fool. _Ooooo_, how boring! I've seen this play out way too many times to count, _feh_."

"And just what do you mean by that?"

"Oh, you'll belong to me, eventually. In the meantime, you'd better take good care of her, your _little _valkyrie; after all, she's **yours **--- your _responsibility _now, for it was you who cried out and brought her here. To what despair and desperation the _ministra magi_ must have fallen into, I do not know, but to bring someone of her --- _power_ --- here, there must have been a resonance; _fufufu_, 'tis becoming more clear _why _the Witch chose you. You certainly do have an eye for _rare _things..._kukuku_."

"The --- the hell are you talking about? She's _mine_? Huh?"

"Oh, don't worry your silly head over it, Naruto-human; it only makes things more _convenient _for me, _fufufu_. Ta-taa, until next we meet, my little toy!"

With a wicked smile and that parting shot, Kyuubi once again left him, dissipating into a haze of crimson that evaporated into the air. The void in his mind left by her mephitic presence quickly filled up in her wake, though it prompted the same sickness as usual. Thankfully, Naruto was lying down in a bed, but it did not make having to put up with the momentary "discomfort" any easier. If anything, the side effects of actually talking with his "roommate" made him dread her sudden appearances to taunt him and such.

Still, tackling one problem at a time was the best thing to do, and he had about two decent choices: a. figure out where he was, which would hopefully lead to what happened, or... b. deal with the girl --- this _ministra magi_-er-hot-his-responsibility-babe-chick-person --- first, and maybe she could tell him what happened. Of course, considering he had a living breathing human being to talk to, Naruto decided to go with choice "Plan B," though looking back, he could have probably saved himself a great deal of embarrassment by doing choice "Plan A" instead.

Dragging himself out of bed, the blonde-haired _genin_ noted that he felt almost good as new, despite the recent battle with Zabuza. Who could have thought it was possible to heal this fast, after the beating and the burns he suffered? Indeed, a quick inspection of his person revealed that his wounds were mostly taken care of, though they showed no signs of any medical attention at all. How strange...

Well, Naruto supposed the girl could answer that question for him too, but as he approached her, he noticed something --- _odd_. He thought it was a trick of light at first, rubbing his eyes just to be sure, but sure enough, there was a shimmering aura of blue surrounding her, just enough to protect her person and no more. Stepping closer to have a better look, he also noticed now for the first time that there were arcane sigils and such actually impregnated into the ribbons braided into her hair.

In fact, Naruto even managed to recognize one of the sigils, a sickle moon that also adorned the posts of the "gates" to Yuuko's mansion, for they gave off an eerie --- _feeling_. This particular "character" was giving him the same feeling then as it was now emanating from the girl's ribbons. It was then that a peculiar thought dawned on him to which he voiced rather carelessly aloud, "Wait... could those ribbons... Are they --- are they wards? ...if so, could this mean, she's someone just like me?"

"You realize, you make an awful lot of noise. Are you really supposed to be a ninja?" a mellifluous feminine voice called out to him brazenly, as he suddenly found two glowing golden eyes staring back at him.

"H-_HOLY BUDDHA_! WHAT THE HELL!"

"_It-itai_...by Santa Maria, you're too loud! Ugh, _mierda_ --- and I thought today was finally starting to look up."

Her displeased tone was a sure fire sign that he had just blown his first impression with her. It also should have been his first indicator that his coming relationship with this girl was going to be very troublesome; yes, very --- very troublesome. Oh, she was super-super cool ninety-nine percent of the time, but let her near anything with booze in it, a new gun, something really-really super cute, or if she was just plain exhausted for various reasons, he would have the pleasure of seeing some --- other _sides_ of his rather --- _eccentric_ --- _ministra magi_...

Then again, Naruto noted he seemed to be a proverbial magnet for _eccentric _people in general.

Of course, Shion always, always insisted **that **she was his first in regards to that title and --- well --- other things to much embarrassment and blushing, even if she was completely off the record and irrational. Despite her rather proper, dignified --- and --- _logical_ demeanor, she was a touchy-feelly-clingy kind of girl at heart. Apparently, she was also a rather fun target to tease from what he heard out of an ear shot about her most --- _colorful_ reactions; aye, she was quite possessive, though she tried to deny it; some kind of pseudo-_tsundere_-in-denial thing.

Then again, he seemed to be a magnet for _tsundere_, _sunao_-and-_cool_ (or _su_-cool AKA Honest and Cool), and all sorts of other crazy expressions of love, hate, and everything else. The further he got away from Konoha, the further he slipped away from normalcy, so it seemed. It must have been by some miracle that he had not gone insane in his prime age of eighteen, but who was to say, he was not insane already?

But back to the good old days...

Flushing red in embarrassment, Naruto tried valiantly to reign in his erupting emotions by changing the subject, but the first thing that impulsively leapt from his lips was:

"I'm not loud, dammit! And just when did you wake up?"

"Great, a loudmouthed knucklehead ninja-_chibi_ in denial; just what I needed to wake up to," sighed the girl, her glowing golden eyes gazing at him in boredom. "Nagase-_aobaka_ would've had fox kits in a conniption if she saw you half-"

"HOLD _that _thought --- and answer the question, goldy-eyes girl!"

"Goldy-eyes girl? _Mattaku_, it just gets better and better, huh? Well, this is certainly part of the reasons why there's no need for men --- much less _boys_ --- on **my **battlefield."

"Look, _Ane_-san, I didn't wake you up so you can talk smack about..."

"So you woke me up to see you talking to yourself aloud about somebody called _Kyuubi_?"

Naruto blanched, "...Y-You...w-when-when did you-?"

"Oh Christ (O Heavenly Father forgive me), can't you tell what I am?" the exotic girl sighed tiredly, "If I can tell just by looking that you're a ninja, then you can tell what I am too, can't you? Come on, it's obvious."

"B-But...bu-t-but I --- I NEVER SEEN ANYONE LIKE YOU BEFORE!"

Now, it was the girl's turn to be struck with emotion. She clearly had not been expecting that sort of negative, frightened outburst out of him. In fact, she was a touch confused herself, and yet, enlightened at the same time:

"Ah, so this really _is _another world then? It must be if you've never seen a gunslinger before... Heh, well-well, out of the fire and into a **new **frying pan I'm to be found in."

"D-Dammit! Just who are YOU, what do you know about the Kyuubi, how much did you hear, and what do you know about ME? WHY A-ARE YOU SO CALM!" he screamed at her.

"Because freaking out and screaming never got much done. _Men _are so passionate, aren't they?"

"K-K..._Kuso_; stop dodging the issue and answer my questions!"

"Why don't you count back from ten and calm down first? When you do that, maybe I'll seem a little bit less patronizing and more dog tired... Trust me, I'm _really _tired --- AND --- in a bad mood to boot, so excuse me if I'm not as _cool _as I usually am."

Damn, and Naruto thought Sasuke was the biggest jerk in the world. Wrong; there were apparently other people who could be even worse than the Legendary Uchiha Male-Bastard, and a girl no less. Argh, he hated capitulating when he was all riled up. Sure, at this point he could just run out the door and figure out for himself just what was going on, but again, it was an issue of pride, and boy --- was Uzumaki Naruto vain as hell.

Grudgingly, the blonde-haired boy gave in with an irritated huff, crossing his arms over his chest, and began to count back from ten. Oddly enough, this seemed to do the trick, as he was no longer boiling mad and only simmering mad for a change:

"Alright --- Gun-er-sling-something-er-san, how about we start this over from scratch again?"

"Sounds fair enough. Give-and-Take?" Miss Goldy-Eyes purred back. How she was able to pull _that_ --- yes, the purring part --- off, he did not want to know because at this point she was becoming more and more like a black panther in his eyes.

"Errr...Give-and-Take?"

"Simple: you tell me something, I tell you something. What I give, what you wanna give, is entirely up to the parties involved in the exchange because essentially it's both an information gathering and a trust building exercise; did you get all that..."

"Ummm, yeah; I think so at least."

"So, do you want to start...?"

"HA! I just knew you'd want to hear about me first!"

The girl sweatdropped, "Well, get on with it then O Mister...?"

"I am the Great Uzumaki Naruto-sama: age twelve-years-old; Konohagakure's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive, Awesome _Tokubetsu_ _Genin_, and I'm gonna ROCK your world, baby, BE-LIEVE IT!"

The girl --- **sweatdropped** --- some more, a faint blush coloring her cheeks, as her glowing eyes acquired a shade of amethyst, "You know...tsk, if I was any other girl, and this was me on a good day, I would've personally _borrowed_ Kagurazaka-_akabaka_'s _harisen_ to teach you a thing or two about your manners. Things is, I'm NOT any other girl and I'm low on ammo, so --- _yeah_..."

"Eh? Why would you do that?" Naruto asked her, completely clueless as to what was eating her now. He did not mean any harm by his self-introduction, and in fact, he thought it was pretty freaking cool too!

"Tsk...Uzumaki-kun-?"

"NARUTO!"

"Huh?"

"Call me by first name, _Ane_-san. It sounds weird hearing my last name, since nobody's ever really talked to me like that, and really-really, it's just plain tacky, you feel me?"

She sighed wearily, "Fine (_Kami_-sama, give me strength). Look, Naruto-kun --- do you even know what you're saying when you say '_I_'_m gonna rock your world_, _baby_' or '_you feel me_'?"

"Not really, but it sounded really cool at the time, and I heard some other kids back at-!"

"O-kay, never mind that...just, argh... If we somehow managed to survive this, you and me are going to have a real, nice long --- talk --- okay?"

"Sure thing, _Ane_-san! So --- uh, what about you?"

"Right, guess it's my turn. Tatsumiya Mana, Student Number Eighteen of Mahora Academy All-Girls Junior High Section, Class Three-A: age fourteen years old, measurements none of your damned business-or-Kami help you, you'll figure it out eventually; Biathlon Club; occupations: student, _miko_ for hire --- exorcising ghosts, blessing weddings, you name it I can probably do it --- and **gun **for hire. As long as the price is right, there's almost nothing I wouldn't do."

Naruto was speechless. Man, and he thought he had an impressive resume, granted he was not at liberty to tell her everything just yet. It was a question of trust, of course, and in fact, he imagined she probably had plenty more to say about herself too. However, there was one thing that immediately jumped out in his mind about her introduction:

"_UOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo_, _Tat_-_Su_-_Ma_-_Ki_-chan!"

"...wha?" Mana blinked in confusion.

"Uzumaki! Tatsumiya! When you cut them up and recombine the characters together you can get: TATSUMAKI! _Uooooooooo_! THE TORNADO! That's so cool, to meet somebody who's last name works with mine! Oh, and we can even make Uzumiya out of our names, but it's still not as cool as --- TATSUMAKI!"

"Are you usually this --- cheerful?"

"Nope! But I'm feeling really good right now for some reason, even though I get the really nasty feeling, you and I are gonna have a really **troublesome **relationship --- but hey! --- at least I'm making a new friend, right?"

"I see --- so the glass is only half full for you, not half empty."

"Huh?"

"You're something of an optimist, I assume; very well then, let's get to business: you have things you need to know, and I have things I need to know."

Frankly, Naruto would not have had it any other way, and all pretenses of good cheer disappeared from his young face, as the air turned quite deadly serious. For the foreseeable hour or so, he filled Mana in on his official mission and just what was going down in the Wave Country, not to mention his recent change of plans and the battles he had partaken in. He, however, did not inform her of his little errand from Yuuko or anything else otherwise, as he had yet to trust her enough to part with those pieces of information.

Now, when it came time to talk about Zabuza's battle, well, he could not really go into detail about it. Also, he sure as hell could not tell her what really happened after the _jounin_ destroyed his glasses, and so he was forced to lie that the man had cast some kind of _genjutsu _to knock him out. Needless to say, Mana was less than impressed, her glowing eyes shifting back to a golden hue, but she went along with his story anyway. From there, she filled in the gaps up to their present conversation, though she was clearly holding back herself.

"So this is Tazuna-san's house?" Naruto asked her.

"Well, the old man you described matches the description of the one I met at the front door, so this ought to be his house," Mana replied tiredly, her eyelids wavering visibly, as if she were in the verge of passing out.

"You sure? I mean, the whole time we've been talking, I've noticed that your condition was just getting worse and worse. Are you sick?"

"Heh, that depends if you want to come clean now..."

"EH?"

"Naruto-kun, do you believe in the supernatural, the paranormal, the existence of magic, demons, or anything like that at all?"

So it seemed this was the moment of truth, and if there was any time to back out, now would be it. However, he needed Mana's help, and to get that, he needed to earn her trust. Anybody who could stand up to a _jounin_, though she had been rather vague as to how she had defeated him, was damned well worth his time, especially when he was completely short on help right now. In fact, he was regretting in a way now, not having taken a _genin_ team with him, but who was to say they would have been even willing to come this far with him?

Hell no.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 14 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Oh, and Dark Knight Gafgar? You're a freaking genius, man; you hit the nail right on the head. I don't know how you figured it out our new mystery gal was Mana Tatsumiya from Negima, as I didn't drop exactly the best hints in the world, but dang --- you da MAN! Congrats.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	15. Chapter 15

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 15:

A _Pactio _Contract

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"So this is Tazuna-san's house?" Naruto asked her.

"Well, the old man you described matches the description of the one I met at the front door, so this ought to be his house," Mana replied tiredly, her eyelids wavering visibly, as if she were in the verge of passing out.

"You sure? I mean, the whole time we've been talking, I've noticed that your condition was just getting worse and worse. Are you sick?"

"Heh, that depends if you want to come clean now..."

"EH?"

"Naruto-kun, do you believe in the supernatural, the paranormal, the existence of magic, demons, or anything like that at all?"

So it seemed this was the moment of truth, and if there was any time to back out, now would be it. However, he needed Mana's help, and to get that, he needed to earn her trust. Anybody who could stand up to a _jounin_, though she had been rather vague as to how she had defeated him, was damned well worth his time, especially when he was completely short on help right now. In fact, he was regretting in a way now, not having taken a _genin_ team with him, but who was to say they would have been even willing to come this far with him?

Hell no.

* * *

Subconsciously from the moment he had laid eyes on her, he had already decided that Mana Tatsumiya was his only hope, and he needed her --- badly, so the best way he figured to break the truth to her was just to be completely honest and cheerful about it. Naruto smiled brightly:

"Sure thing; remember that Kyuubi thing I was freaking out about earlier? Truth is, I'm a demon container and she's sealed, that is, lives in my stomach; pretty cool, _ne_?"

The impeding silence was eerie to say the least. He felt like he was tiptoeing on eggshells, each step a little more painful than the last as the seconds ticked by. What would her answer be for she could easily break him or save him with mere words; how terrifying, _ne_?

"_Well _--- you're certainly different from --- what I was expecting of a daemon host," murmured Mana at last, her expression thoughtful, before she pulled herself off the wooden armchair and up to her feet. "In fact, you're surprisingly human and sane, not what I've come to expect at all."

"Um, _anou sa_, so do I pass, Tatsumaki?" Whoa, she's really tall! Not as tall as Yuuko-san, about a head or two shorter I reckon, but dang --- hard to believe she's only fourteen.

"I suppose so. But, honestly, that's not going to be my pet name from you now, is it?"

"But you didn't say if I could call you by your first name, Tatsumaki-chan! And besides, this is way cuter than Tatsumiya!"

"_Yare_-_yare_, looks like I've gotten...!"

Suddenly, Mana choked, her gloved hands rising to cover her mouth as she doubled over in a coughing fit. Naruto barely managed to catch her in the nick of time, but she practically dead weight in his arms, and a heavy one at that too, forcing him to bend down on one knee to steady her. Turning her about to face him, his concern only grew into worry, just a bit short of out right panic, as he noticed her wounds beginning to bleed for no explainable reason; crimson blood turned black right before his astonished blue eyes. Her body was a glow in energies as well, lighting up the dim room in an ethereal ambience. The white particles that drifted away from her dissipated into the air, as she began to "shift" in and out between wholeness and transparency, like an insubstantial ghost.

"M-Mana! What the hell is wrong with you; tell me!" Naruto all but screamed at the --- dying girl --- yes, he was certain of it. He could not explain his reasons, but he was certain she was dying right in his arms, and unless he did something soon, he was going to lose her. "Dammit, talk to me, woman! Kyuubi said you're mine responsibility now, that it's my fault that you're here. I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong!"

Oddly, Mana did not seem worried at all, revealing a weak smile on her bloodstained lips, as her soiled hands fell away from her face, more beautiful than ever. Gone was the ethereal glow in her eyes, allowing him to see her natural russet brown eyes for the first time, "Ugh...I --- see. Y-You --- my eyes didn't lie... I was --- w-was only lyin-g...to myself."

"W-What?"

"I...I-I knew, what --- wha-what you...the first time...I..."

"Shut up, you idiot. I don't need to hear some sob story right now, just tell me what's wrong with you!"

"Re-rejection..."

"Huh?"

"Well, well, so it seems she didn't make it all the way here in one piece," a familiar presence made herself known, crouching down beside Mana, across from him, "The poor little _ministra magi_; she didn't even realize she had already become a real valkyrie."

"Kyuubi!"

"This _girl_ is already dead."

"WHAT?"

"Na-Naruto...is --- the de-daemon --- here?"

"Save your strength, Mana; I think, this demon fox bitch knows what's up, so just focus on staying alive," Naruto commanded her to which his "patient" obediently obliged, not that she was in any position to disobey him. "All right, Kyuubi-sama, start talking fast!"

"_Ho_, flattery coming from you, Naruto-human? How _rare_, _fufufu_."

"Save it, just tell me what's going on and what I need to do to save her!"

"Oh, that I can do, **but **--- it's going to cost you," the apparition of the demonic little girl smirked at him, her nine tails lashing wildly in glee.

He snarled in outrage, but then again, what else was he supposed to expect out of her? Kyuubi was a demon, immortal and nearly all-powerful for all intents and purposes. Human lives meant nothing to her, and she would use any opportunity to earn her freedom, just like now, "Like **what**? My soul, Kyuubi-_sama_?"

"Hardly, for this is but a trifle to one such as **I**. Still, in exchange for your valkyrie, you will owe me --- a _favor_, one that I most certainly intend to collect on. Do you agree to the terms, fair and equitable, **mor**-**tal**?"

"The hell with the consequences! I'll cross that burning bridge when I get there --- and find a new way across if I have to; now, fulfill your part of the bargain, _Kyuubi no Youko_!"

"_Ho_, and so it shall be done, Uzumaki Naruto. _Fufufu_, what you have here is the remains of a human being, the only thing that really lasts once born: the soul. The girl was apparently killed or perhaps her soul was separated from her failing corporeal body and stored away elsewhere, until such a time was possible to resurrect her. I sincerely doubt she even realizes her own death, as most souls with --- unfinished business --- do not acknowledge their own death out of ignorance or denial. Of course, such a wish for resurrection is beyond the capabilities of magecraft or sorcery, and **hu-man** science can only hope to transcend into the realm of the Gods."

"Huh? The realm of the Gods?"

"That's a story for another time. More importantly, I suspect what they were truly hoping for was a miracle, to make the impossible possible: Magic. There is only one relic I know of that is capable of such a thing, and when it should appear, it is simply a sign of the end times."

"And what does that have to do with Mana, dammit?"

"Simple, this girl is no longer human. It is best to consider her, an extraordinarily powerful familiar; for she is a Heroic Spirit, a Servant of the Holy Grail, belonging to the prestigious class of Knight Archer. _Fufufu_, my-my you're quite the formidable sorcerer too, Naruto-**human**. As expected of someone chosen by the Dimensional Witch!"

"What the-? Argh, never mind just tell me what I need to do to save her!"

"Well, to _really_ save the girl is a quest for another time, though I wonder if you'll even live long enough for that, _fufufu_! But for now, at least to keep her by your side, you simply need to finish forming a contract with her since she's already been summoned. You were just the fool for not completing your end of the bargain."

"A contract? But how?"

"Oh, I know a variation of the _pactio_ contract spell, which ought to do the trick. Allow me to do the casting, and all you need to do is simply kiss the valkyrie upon luscious lips. Sounds easy enough, don't you think so, Naruto-**human**?"

Well...

Damn...

This is kind of ironic.

So it was going to be a kiss that sealed his fate with the Mysterious Knight Archer, Mana Tatsumiya, was it? Sheesh, how much more "dramatic" could today get? By the Buddha, how he wished Yuuko was here to advise him. She sure as hell must know more than she let on at any given time, and worse yet, had she not warned him that bad things were going to happen to him? Argh, too much information, too many theories, and too much everything at once!

Oh hell, just kiss her already, dammit!

* * *

_Chu_!

* * *

When the trapdoor to the basement opened up, Tazuna all but nearly had a heart-attack. It had been hours since that strange exotic girl had barged into his home in the middle of the thunderstorm. He could only thank Buddha that his daughter and little Inari were nowhere to be found when she had appeared before him. Why just some time before, the Uzumaki's boys had rushed him to his home only to disappear suddenly in puffs of smoke, bidding him to take care, as hell seemed to be breaking loose a couple miles away down south from his home. He could see the fire, the explosions, everything --- a dark feeling of dread washing over him.

So Tazuna had done only thing he could do, the only thing an ordinary old fool like him could do; he picked up Naruto's discarded pack that the clone boys had been carrying, went inside, raided his fridge for beer, and waited. Yes, he was absolutely determined to get roaring drunk before death or providence came knocking on his door, and there was no way anybody going to stop him from having a damned good time. The only problem was, the old man could not even muster up the will to drink!

Preposterous! He had drank like a man possessed when Kaiza had died. Rampant alcoholism had wrecked his body for months until he nearly killed himself drinking his sorrows away. Ironically, his brush with death saved his soul, the big wake up call that made him realized that he was not getting any younger, and by Buddha, what else did he have left to lose? Regardless of what he did, the future of his country and his family was equally in peril whether he fought Gatou or not; faced with those kind of odds, he might as well give it a try, better to die fighting than lying on his deathbed.

Lying on his deathbed...

Well, the thought certainly explained why he did not touch a drop of the good stuff he had brought out, and so he had waited. And he waited some more... After what seemed like hours, there was a terrible bang at his door. Common sense dictated that he was probably screwed and that he should kiss his loveable keister goodbye, but Tazuna was not a punk, and so he would face his fate head on. Imagine his surprise when in comes an exotic girl he had never dreamed before of seeing his life, her eyes glowing like a messenger of providence, the unconscious fool of a boy in her arms, and she demanded he lend her a bed to her apparent companion. Not one to question reason in such extraordinary circumstances, he quickly led them down to a spare guest room he had kept in his hidden basement.

Though at one time, it had not been so hidden. In fact, it had belonged to a man very dear to him once, and perhaps, it would serve these youngsters just as well. The girl had ordered him to simply remain in the kitchen until further notice, and under no circumstances was he to disturb them. Yes, it was a rather odd choice of words, which left him worrying like an idiot as the hours slipped by at a crawl yet again. The storm outside was not letting up, and quite honestly, he had to wonder where in the blazes were Tsunami and Inari at a time like this?

Still, to have that nincompoop, that scoundrel, that runt just show walk out of his basement, and plop himself down in a chair right across from him at the dining table like nothing was wrong...! Argh, the nerve of young people these days; if his own children or Gatou did not get to him first, this boy --- this small hope he had for the Wave Country surely will.

"Yo, old man, you look like the dead!" Naruto greeted him with a clearly forced smile, blushing red from head to toe. Why the boy made a perfect caricature of a human tomato!

Tazuna growled in disdain, "And just what the hell have you been doing, while I was sitting here --- worrying myself to death, you **super brat**?"

"No sweat, Tazuna-san, I'll give you the details as soon as humanly possible. Thing is...err..."

"And that is?"

"U-Um, uhhh, does anybody else live with you by any chance?"

"Well, just my daughter and my grandson; why?"

"_E-Etou_, how old is your daughter?"

"Old enough to be your mother, super brat!"

"Sweet! That works out great!"

The old man blanched, his jaw dropping agape at the sudden and quite frankly disturbing declaration, "T-The Hell?"

"Listen, you got a bathroom, right?" the blonde-haired boy went on, completely oblivious to the scandalous implication of his previous remarks.

"Of course, I do, and just what in the hell do you want with my daughter? This isn't part of what we-!"

"Well, I kinda need to borrow some old clothes from her. You see, Tatsumaki..."

"Tatsu-WHAT?"

"The girl who brought me in, duh. ...Well, actually her name is Tatsumiya Mana, but never mind that, I need a change of clothes for her --- and --- oh, that's right I gotta borrow your bathroom. Me and her are smelling worse than hell, and I really wanna get cleaned up. The thing is, Mana-chan's clothes kind of, well, _vaporized_ on me so..."

"The **hell **have you been doing to make her clothes --- GAH! Don't tell me you did-!" Tazuna exploded, his face red, and his eyes wide with shock. Never in a million years would he expect something so --- so, argh; never mind. Lord, this whole situation feels like something out of _Icha Icha Paradise_!

Of course, Naruto was once again completely oblivious, "Geez, what's gotten into you, old man?"

"You little...!"

"Look, just get the water running, alright? I'll go find the clothes, and quite frankly you should be happy as can be, since she bought us a ton of time. Give or take, Zabuza-_yarou_ should be out of commission for at least two weeks or more, so if you can finish the bridge by then, we probably won't even have to fight him again."

"H-Huh?"

"Oh, there's my pack! Thanks a lot, and don't sweat it, I think everything's gonna be just fine from here on it, or at least, I hope so. I'll fill you in at dinner, okay?" the boy shouted back to him in a rather jolly fashion.

Yes, it was official; his weird-o-meter had officially blown a fuse. He was safe for the time being, and the bridge construction would continue with any luck. In the meantime, however, Tazuna was certain, _deadly_ certain that Uzumaki Naruto was going to drive him sick with worry; on top of which, the storm outside still has not stopped! Where was his daughter and grandson?

And things are supposed to be looking up?

"This is no joke, dammit!"

* * *

When she finally came to, the world was awfully bright, and an unfamiliar ceiling was there to greet her. The electric lights on the ceiling blasted her eyes with ambience, forcing her to wince for a moment as her senses adjusted to her new surroundings. Yes, she was in an tub, taking a soak apparently in the bathroom, the decor homely with white tiles on the walls that astoundingly she could even perceive her own reflection in. The pleasant salutary aroma in the air was a nice touch, and quite frankly, Mana Tatsumiya could not have felt better in --- well, what felt like ages!

There was only one problem that utterly destroyed her good mood, judging by the splash of water and the jolly humming coming from right next to her...

...she was not alone.

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing in here?" Mana asked the fool-headed boy coldly, a faintly glowing golden hue bleeding into her irises and overriding their natural russet color.

Apparently, the _genin_ had been expecting, such a cold reception, as he let off with a bold snicker, continuing to wash his blonde hair with his back to her, while sitting down on a low stool, "Finally, awake, eh, Tatsumaki-_chan_?"

"I'm not laughing."

"Oh come on, live a little will you?"

"What are you doing in here? And just how-"

"Duh, I'm taking a bath, and for your information, I took care of you too, Miss Priss!"

"...you did what?"

"Holy Zen, Tatsumiya Mana, do you think I'm some kind of caveman? No way in common decency was I going to leave you smelling like the _dead_," the boy huffed at her, sticking his chest out like a proud rooster of some sort. "Hell, I went the extra mile to find you a change of clothes too (after your old ones disintegrated on me), and pretty stylish at that, methinks. I mean, dang, you can't imagine how troublesome it is to give somebody who's unconscious a bath, so be grateful you got the tub first. Oh, it was also kind of my first time washing a girl's hair, so I hope I didn't screw up too badly. Still, I think it's a lot prettier now than it was before-_dattebayo_!"

In a rare moment for the self-styled gun-wielded shrine maiden, considering her straightforward business policy, Mana was at a loss for how to react. The situation presented to her nimble, surgical mind was an extraordinary paradox. She had never been interested in boys her own age really (save for one exception and even that that was a passing crush because of his resemblance to one other...) because they were but pale imitations of men in her eyes; pathetic at best. "Uzumaki Naruto" on the other hand was a different story all together.

On one hand, the longhaired girl supposed she could be impressed by his boldness, considering he had the nerve to bathe her personally and not lose all the blood in his body. She often heard the rumors that her beauty alone was enough to make males lose all pretense of self-control, reducing them to slavish fanboys. Imagining Naruto surviving the full force of her in the nude was no laughing matter. Of course, Mana was privately miffed that her innate charms had not been enough to keep his "paws" off her, despite his apparent good intentions, which brought her to more important matters.

Namely, she should be pissed! This little foxy bastard had the nerve to puts his hands on **her**. He had the guts to touch this body she had protected from others, shunned all others for the most important person to her; the one person who had made her time move...

Kouki T. Killy.

Why if she were any other girl, she would have launched herself at Naruto in blind righteous feminine fury to exact her vengeance! The thing is, she was --- again --- **not** any normal girl. It was Mana's guns that ultimately did the talking, the truest expression of her soul. Alas, she was unarmed at present, and down to only one bullet, so that particular option was out of the question. Sure, she had that one monomolecular "blade" tucked away in her shoulder harness, but she honestly was not a "blades" kind of person: a gun was so much more cleaner and expressive.

Mana sighed wistfully.

Then again, when was the last time she saw that Big Idiot? Oh right, just before... Bah, That Big Idiot what was he thinking leaving her behind again like that, and on top of which, what was he thinking entrusting the Black Barrel to her? A weapon of such terrible power should not have been entrusted in her inexperienced hands in the first place; even now, she had not attained full mastery of it.

Wait a second...! If she was here, actually able to think of such thoughts...

Naruto saved her! B-But how? Based on what little she knew of "Ether Quantum-Dimension Theory" as Chao Rinshen, that bloody snobbish brat, had explained to her none too clearly, if a traveler were to experience "Rejection" by the space-time fabric of the universe they had ended up in, the possibility of survival was absolutely zero. Why? Because lost "Quantum Data," which contained such critical information such as _ki_ circuitry, could not be recovered once lost. So how had this little blonde-haired rascal been able to save her?

I... I suppose, I should be grateful to him for that much, Mana pondered reluctantly, a faint blush gracing her cheeks as she felt an odd warmth invade her heart. It was an old nostalgic feeling she had not felt in a long while. Being alive sure as hell beats being dead, and --- well --- I guess, I should give him some credit for not doing anything unsavory to me while I was unconscious, and actually having the maturity and thoughtfulness to attend to --- um, well --- my needs.

Still, she could not let him off easy either! After all, the shrine maiden-for-hire figured she had a reputation to keep up, and that kid was going to pay:

"**_One million yen_**."

Naruto neatly did a spit-take, pausing from washing his back. He seemed to be instinctively turning about to shoot back a retort, judging by the ripple of emotion she could see running across his bare back, and yet oddly, he froze and seemed to think better. How very unexpected to see a level-headed reaction out of an apparent hot-blooded kid like him.

"Say what, Tatsumaki?"

"You heard me: one million yen."

"Eh, you'd think your life would be worth more than just one million yen, you know."

Again, in another rare moment, Mana was caught flat-footed for the first time in a long while by a verbal barb, "_B-B-Baka_! Of-Of course, I'm grateful for you saving me."

"So what's the one million yen for?" the blasted boy asked her naively, scratching his head in confusion. "If your life is worth more than one million yen, then..."

"Th-That's it! I take it back; forget the discount, Mister Smartass. You owe me ten --- no --- _one hundred million yen _for th-the --- s-sh-shhow!"

"...Huh? The show? What show?"

"Y-You --- You...!" The-The...the nerve of him! How dare he-?

"Seriously, Mana-chan, you're not --- argh, what was it the girls used to say back in school? --- all that."

"W-h-Wha-What did you say!"

"Hey, stop splashing the water around; I got plans to use the tub after you too, ya know."

"What do you mean I'm not all that? Tell me!"

"Eh-hehe, no offense but --- seriously --- you're beautiful and all, Tatsumaki, but there are more beautiful ladies out there, namely Ichihara Yuuko. Ever met her? She's my boss. And-"

"W-W-Wait --- wait! Did-did you j-just say, '_Ichihara Yuuko_'? As in Ichihara Yuuko the Dimensional Witch!"

"Funny, Kyuubi said the same thing too, that is, about the Dimensional Witch part."

"Never mind that, why didn't you tell me sooner?" Mana demanded incredulously, "If that Witch is here, she's my ticket out of this mess."

Naruto coughed sheepishly, his ears reddening visibly to her wonder. For some reason, she had a distinct sinking feeling that whatever was on his mind was going to put a huge damper on her newly found hope. "Um, Tatsumaki-_ane_san, there's a slight problem with that..."

"Like what?"

"Your --- your eyes --- they're mystic eyes too, right?"

"Yes, although sorcery is not something I typically use them for; in fact, I really don't know how to use sorcery. Innately, they give me the power to see spirits and such, though recently --- I seemed to have gained a new kind of power, like clairvoyance, I think, not to mention greatly increased casting power. Of course, I don't have it anymore, as I can tell my eyes have returned back to the way they're supposed to be."

"Hm, _etou_, do you remember what you saw the first time you looked at me?"

"_Ara_?"

"Well, you were mumbling about seeing something about you and me, when you were --- you-know --- dying..."

Shock for some reason was starting to become the norm for her around the Uzumaki boy. He seemed to have a knack drawing out emotions that she normally kept under guard behind her cool, deadly facade, and effectively making her act her own age for a change. Still, it did not mean she had to like him for that, especially considering the moron had just confirmed for her a worst-case scenario her subconscious had been cooking up the moment she laid eyes on him, "...Uzumaki. Naruto. Just what the hell did you do to me?"

"_A-Anou --- _well, you see the Kyuubi managed to work out some kind variation on a pact-something spell," Naruto explained to her nervously, "that binds us together like magis-something and minis-something with a mutual magic-somethin'-or-other so we share _mana_, which keeps you alive. Of course, you still have your own _chakra_ coils and this spiritual energy-thingie the fox mentioned, but that's not enough to sustain you. If we were to break the contract now...well, we should probably wait until Yuuko-san can take a look at you..."

"Oh Santa Maria, it --- it really did come true. Back then, the chain of fate I saw linking us together, and the presence of the demon in you... Ugh, it was all true!"

"Um, it gets worse, Mana-chan."

"...and that is?" I don't ever recall giving him permission to call me by first name, the little rascal, and I definitely didn't say he could call me "-chan" anything either!

"I need your help."

Well, damn, she had better be getting overtime pay for this!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 15 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Yes, it's kind of long-ish and fanservice-y; be happy, eh?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 16:

The Best Laid of Plans

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Hm, _etou_, do you remember what you saw the first time you looked at me?"

"_Ara_?"

"Well, you were mumbling about seeing something about you and me, when you were --- you-know --- dying..."

Shock for some reason was starting to become the norm for her around the Uzumaki boy. He seemed to have a knack drawing out emotions that she normally kept under guard behind her cool, deadly facade, and effectively making her act her own age for a change. Still, it did not mean she had to like him for that, especially considering the moron had just confirmed for her a worst-case scenario her subconscious had been cooking up the moment she laid eyes on him, "...Uzumaki. Naruto. Just what the hell did you do to me?"

"_A-Anou --- _well, you see the Kyuubi managed to work out some kind variation on a pact-something spell," Naruto explained to her nervously, "that binds us together like magis-something and minis-something with a mutual magic-somethin'-or-other so we share _mana_, which keeps you alive. Of course, you still have your own _chakra_ coils and this spiritual energy-thingie the fox mentioned, but that's not enough to sustain you. If we were to break the contract now...well, we should probably wait until Yuuko-san can take a look at you..."

"Oh Santa Maria, it --- it really did come true. Back then, the chain of fate I saw linking us together, and the presence of the demon in you... Ugh, it was all true!"

"Um, it gets worse, Mana-chan."

"...and that is?" I don't ever recall giving him permission to call me by first name, the little rascal, and I definitely didn't say he could call me "-chan" anything either!

"I need your help."

Well, damn, she had better be getting overtime pay for this!

* * *

Dinner was a strangely tense affair. Well, Naruto imagined he could have broken the news to his "partner" in a better way, but he supposed he should be thankful nobody was complaining about dinner either. He had never really cooked seafood before, but a couple of recipes came to mind, and hey, figuring he was the only competent cook, the _genin_ immediately set himself to work.

Of course, Tazuna had been informed of the game plan, so to speak, for the next couple of weeks, which would inevitably have to change once his family showed up. In the meantime, Naruto had decided that his _kagebunshin_ would accompany them to and from work at all times, while he remained at the premises to train. And where did Mana fit into all of this? Well, for starters she was a friend of a friend sent here to help him out in case things went south; his real boss was a very, very thoughtful person. Yes, it was a totally lame cover, but the old man seemed to buy it for now, as extra help could not hurt.

Nonetheless, Naruto imagined Mana was less than happy with him right now. He felt guilty about not telling her about everything, specifically the fact she was no longer "human" in the traditional sense. The mercenary girl still believed for all intents and purposes that she was human, and quite frankly, he preferred to keep it that way. There was no sense in breaking her heart when he needed her to be strong for him right now because of his weakness.

Yes, Mana was very aware of his potential, no thanks to the Kyuubi, and the fact he was utterly helpless to defend himself against otherworldly forces. In particular, she diagnosed he was extremely vulnerable to "karma," which the Demon of the Hidden Mist had in spades. By her reckoning, the missing-_nin_ was virtually doomed to some horrific fate for his life and soul was already forfeit. It was but a question of time before the evil man's own sins crushed him.

Getting replacement "glasses" was unfortunately out of the question for it was far too risky for the shrine maiden to leave his side and return to Konoha. If it was not Gatou's men or another assassin hired by the rat bastard, some other force could swoop in and take Naruto away in his vulnerable state. Of course, it did not help that he had no way of contacting Yuuko or any authority in the Hidden Leaf village.

To make things worse, most of Mana's gear had been "zapped" away into the _pactio _card presently in his possession, which he had no clue how to use. The card revealed various battle configurations and equipment available for her use, most of which were blacked out or in shadowy silhouettes, as if they needed to unlocked somehow. At present, only her "battle outfit," the clothes she had worn when he had first met her and a "_miko_ outfit" were available. The only equipment that did not get "stolen" by the _pactio _card was her Black Barrel, one last bullet for the said gun, and her "_kekkai_ ribbons" braided into her hair.

Until they could figure out how to use the _pactio _card, they were going to be at a severe tactical disadvantage. Yes, Mana had managed to defeat Zabuza before, but that was when she possessed "The Power." Of course, they still did not know if the equipment inside the _pactio _card even came with bullets!

It was all very complicated and bothersome in his own mind, but for now, all he could do was prepare for the worst. There was a whole lot of training and planning between here and the inevitable clash with Gatou, and somewhere along the way, he still had to deal with that package Yuuko had asked him to deliver to that vile man too. He would definitely have to talk to her when he made it back home for there were many questions he had that only she could answer.

"Well then, anybody got any questions?" Naruto asked aloud as he set back the last dried plate into a cabinet.

Tazuna and Mana just stared flatly at him. He noted the latter looked mighty fine in the blue jeans and the loose white t-shirt he had selected for her, which by some miracle, made for adequate substitutes for her old uniform. Granted, they would have to go do some shopping tomorrow to found a decent pair of shoes for her, but he supposed one of the array of sandals he found littering the foyer ought to fit her in the meantime.

With silence as their reply, it surprised Naruto little when they left the table, each to their own devices. The girl headed back down to the basement's guest room while the old man went off presumably to his own bedroom. There was really no helping the grim mood at this point, and he resigned to deploy his usual squad of _kagebunshin_ to the raging outdoors before settling in for the night on the couch in the living room.

Good night to me, I guess.

**Sweet nightmares**, **hu**-**man**; _kukuku_-**hahahhahaha**!

Pause.

Yes, the feeling is mutual, Kyuubi.

* * *

The next day was less than pleasant. It was hard to say how much sleep he got, as he found the surreal land of sleep both pleasant and unpleasant in part, thanks to his roommate grilling him with an infernal montage of images and noise constantly. When he woke, it was no less to Mana prodding him awake, making him wonder for a second if this was another part of his dream.

Of course, judging by the heated argument emanating from the kitchen, where he was treated to the sight of a pair of adults sticking their noses in the air, arms crossed and haughty like children. There was Tazuna in the "blue corner" and opposite of him was his daughter, a woman in her early thirties by the name of Tsunami, in the "red corner". Oh, and there was Tazuna's little grandson too, the Brat --- Inari.

The argument between the two adults went something like this...

Tsunami was pissed. Yes, she was happy that her dear grandfather had made it home safely, but after nearly getting killed on two separate occasions would it not be wise to give up the fight now. If he kept going against Gatou, his luck was eventually going to run out. Honestly, there was no way two children managed to defeat a _jounin_.

Tazuna squawked in defiance. There was no way he was going to stop now. He had come too far to turn his back on the few people who believed in a better future for the Wave Country, a return to prosperity, and the defeat of that scoundrel, Gatou. It was but a small hope they had, a slim chance, but better to try than to sit by and wallow in self-pity.

His daughter smartly retorted that he was going to place his hopes in just children to which he shot back that they were not children, but battle tested warriors in their own right. It was then that Inari finally cut in with his own clinical remarks, which stung far worse, "You're wrong, _Ji_-chan. They're going to die, both of them. There's no way they can win by going against Gatou."

"Whoa, whoa, time out, kid!" Naruto blurted out bombastically, shoving a proud finger in the direction of the insolent boy. "Maybe you're not getting the picture here."

"The picture? What picture other than the both of you are going to die horribly trying to protect grandpa and the bridge?"

"_Che_, obviously you have no clue what Mana and me are capable of! Listen up, I'm a super hero that's going to become a legend some day. This pig Gatou or Chocolat is nothing to me. All he's got is money, and probably tons of it too, that's why he can get so many bad guys on his side!

"Hmph, a hero? How stupid. But then again, you look like just a stupid-stupid kid. That's why you can believe in heroes when there's no such thing as a hero!"

"What the-?"

"If you don't want to die, you should just go home while you can, _Ahoundara_," Inari snapped at him, drawing his temper dangerously close to a boil. "There's no point in whatever you do, so just give up."

If it were not for Mana's steady hand on his shoulder, Naruto imagine he would have let loose with his string of curses in reprisal, as the boy left the kitchen, remarking idly that he was going to his room. The kid's fatalistic words burned harder than any curse he had ever received in the streets of Konoha. It pissed him off!

Naturally, Tsunami was the first to change the subject, apologizing for her son's rude behavior. She introduced herself, of course, giving them room to do the same. He introduced himself, nothing the older woman was somewhat amused by his enthusiasm, but when it came Mana's turn, the violet-haired woman loosed a stunned gasp, a faint blush overcoming her cheeks, before a full blown squeal of feminine joy as she pulled his stoic partner into a starry-eyed hug.

What followed was a whole lot of coddling and squealing that went somewhere along the lines of: how cute Mana was. How pretty she was. Oh, and how Tsunami could not imagine her old clothes looked so good on Mana for which she was eternally remorseful if they were out of fashion. Blah-blah-blah-blah!

It was up to Naruto to rescue his beleaguered comrade, remarking enthusiastically that they needed to go buy some suitable shoes for Mana, much to his hostess dismay. Tsunami wailed pitifully she wanted the golden-eyed girl to try out all sorts of other outfits she had been saving, and generally, gave off the impression of wanting doll up Mana all nice and pretty. If Tazuna had not stepped in with a choice barb at the time, they probably would not have been able to escape the house at all, borrowing some sandals along the way for Mana.

Unfortunately, stepping outside into the real world was an experience he was wholly unprepared for...

* * *

"Uzumaki, you okay?" Mana's calm mezzo-soprano carried softly into his ears. Tough, sturdy leather sandals in the same vain as his ninja sandals, except at a much more inflated price, now adorned her feet, as they progressed through the streets of the "dying" town.

The homeless and the poor lined the streets in droves. Despair and desperation was the status quo. The ominous air hung thick and heavy, seemingly crushing the already squat deteriorating buildings. Even without his gifted senses, the horror around him would have been enough to move Naruto, but alas, he had to deal with far worse.

Through his eyes was a special nightmare that some power had seen fit to curse him with, even though it was simply the truth. The town was dying right before his eyes for the red sea smelled of blood, and the black sky was choking with clouds of ash, waiting to rain disease and discord. Unspeakable things of black and vile smog clung to the people, laughing at him, while many eyes and glittering teeth gazed at him from the shadows and windows, watching --- waiting.

"This town --- this town won't last much longer, Tatsumaki," he replied to her sadly, keeping his head low, "The adults here have all lost sight of hope. Tazuna-san was right. They need that bridge, their symbol of courage, so they can regain the strength to stand up for themselves again."

"And what are you going to do about it, _Partner_?"

"Eh, I don't know exactly yet, but one thing's for sure, I'm going to prove to that little brat that even these terrible times heroes still exist."

"Bold words are useless without a good plan to back them up."

"I know, I know."

"But really, be more honest with yourself."

"Eh?"

"You're not okay at all, are you?"

Naruto chuckled sheepishly, as they left the town behind them and entered the woods, another nightmare to him with no respite in sight, "What? Am I that obvious, Tatsu-maki-_chan_?"

"_Hai_," Mana deadpanned without remorse.

"_Ita_... There goes my pride..."

"You avoided the question, and for a _shinobi_, you --- well to put in layman's terms --- just plain suck at hiding your emotions."

"Eh-hehehe, um, thank you?"

"You're welcome."

"Tsk; _mou_, Tatsumaki-kun, you really gotta work on that sense of humor-_dattebayo_!" Wow, she sure recovered fast. Last night, she was going completely nuts, and now, she's like a totally different person. Is this how Mana usually is? Hmm, _Woman the Cool Spy_...has a nice ring to it.

"So what do you see, O Fearless Leader?"

"Hell on Earth. The sky's pitch black. Clouds of ashes. Death. Decay. Disease. A sea of crimson. Unspeakable horrors. Dang, I'm really missing my glasses right about now. The only saving grace is that you're still you, Ma-na-_chan_. If you turned out to be like those monsters, I've seen --- I'd probably lose it at this point."

"I see, so the world is an ugly place to you, isn't it?"

"Yup, it's the worst, but at least I'm not alone."

"Think your sanity will hold?"

"Eh, it's only a couple of weeks, right? And if Tazuna-san finishes the bridge before then, we can go home and see Yuuko-san!"

"But what if something happens before then?"

"Well, we'll cross that burning bridge together when the time comes, won't we, _Aibou_?" Naruto laughed heartily, the corner of his lips tugging back into a grim smile.

This new facet of Mana was certainly a touch --- inhuman. She was more like a hunter, an arrow drawn taut upon the bow, simply waiting to be released at the right moment. Yet, he found her guttural grunt of agreement oddly reassuring, despite the fact it was far from ladylike. She was an honest girl, and quite frankly, he was glad to have her watching his back. After all, two heads were certainly better than one, and right now, he really did not want to be alone.

* * *

The week passed by unremarkably, and she thought life at Mahora Academy before --- everything happened --- was boring; boy, was she proven wrong fast. Life with Naruto Uzumaki was depressing to say the least. Every morning he would rise at the crack of dawn, bidding her to follow him to which she did without question. He would train until breakfast, return in time for sustenance, and then set out again to the woods to train, returning yet again for another meal, before the cycle would repeat. Every day he would put himself through the same mundane regimen (just enough to keep him in shape apparently), all the while shooting out battle plans, thinking up tactical situations, working on the _pactio _card, and such to her (which was his true concern) to which she obliged to "shoot full of holes."

Contrary to his cheerful facade, Mana could easily see the undercurrent of anguish he must have felt day in and day out. At least when she woke up, she saw the same old cheery sun, a blazing ball of yellow in the distant blue sky under white clouds, but for Naruto, everything he saw was only ugliness. The hell he bore witness to constantly was eating away slowly at his sanity, and the girl honestly did not know what to do to comfort him.

She had never been good with people. After all, life at Mahora Academy seemed to be something out of a fairy tale where all perfect; God was in Heaven, and all was right in the world. Human beings notorious for their dysfunction and unhappiness with their lot were going about their daily business in virtual harmony; it was --- boring. On top of which, Killy had never been one for emotions. Whatever he felt and thought were for his eyes alone, which more often than not stirred feelings of bitterness in herself.

Stupid-stupid Killy; if only that Big Idiot had been more open with me, then maybe... Mana sighed wistfully, rubbing her temple.

Dwelling on the past was unlike her. What was done is done, and there was nothing she could do to change it, so why bother? Besides, there was nothing for her to learn from those old lessons. Nothing at all that would help her cheer Naruto up, even just a little --- to offer him some measure of hope that everything was going to be all right.

From the position of the high sun beyond the cover of the trees, it was getting close to noon now by her reckoning. Mana figured she might as well tell the blonde-haired boy to stop his "Tree Climbing" exercise, so he could get some much needed sustenance and rest. Though, speaking of which --- just where did Naruto go? He was just running up the tree in front of her a few minutes ago...

* * *

"_Oi_, Tatsumaki-_baka_, where are you!" he shouted once again at the top of his lungs.

There was no reply, just the rustle of leaves in the sea of the black forest where the wind whispered. He was alone, and off in the distance he could roar of rolling thunder creeping in on this once calm day. It was hard to say when it had happened, when he had been forcefully separated from Mana. One second he had been running up a tree, kunai in hand, and mad as hell that he did not seem to be making progress in anything he tried, just as usual, when all of a sudden...

Blam!

Naruto was here on the forest floor, seemingly miles away from where he began, and his partner nowhere to be found. Worse yet, he was alone and yet --- **not** so alone. The searching eyes and hungry mouths were everywhere. Flickers of movement and wriggling shadows teased at the edge of his vision, begging him to look.

Oh yeah, he was totally screwed. The _genin_ had tried running away, of course, but no matter which direction he went, he always ended up back where he started. It was if somebody had cast some foul _genjutsu_ on him to screw up his sense of direction and make him run around in circles. Standard _shinobi_ operating procedure was to try using the "_Kai_!" technique to cancel out the illusion, as once a ninja realized he was in an illusion, it should disperse using that said technique.

But --- _that_ did not work either...

Panic was starting to set in. Naruto felt cornered for it was but a question of time before he imagined his "neighbors" would get just a little bit bolder. And what then? What was he supposed to do to defend himself? Nothing. It would another repeat of his battle against Zabuza, at that very moment of infinite crisis when he was drowning in darkness.

So perhaps, it was by providence he so happened to discover "The Red String" then lying on the ground, though it would be much later he would learn of its true meaning. Simply put, dumbing down Yuuko's super metaphysical talk into plain laymen, red strings were bad --- and chains were the worst. It was the world's natural way of prioritizing "work orders," and unfortunately, they were never tended to be routine jobs at all.

Still, he did not know any better back then, so hey, like any child who has to learn not to touch a hot stove, he grabbed a hold of the red string and began to follow. Imagine Naruto's surprise when he literally found a patch of sunlight in the middle of his perceived nightmare where all was right with the world. Seriously, there was green grass, flowers, normal trees, birds (of course, they fluttered the hell out of dodge as soon as he showed up), and even butterflies! Butterflies, dammit!

Just what the hell was going on here?

"_Anou_, _Ani_-san, can I help you?" greeted the really pretty thing in a pink sleeveless _yukata_ decorated with swirling commas.

Yes, this very fateful moment was also the beginning of another bad habit of his dubbed "Naruto-_Ero_-Vision" in his later years was born! Immediately, his brilliant blue eyes flashed with an inner spark, sweeping his latest subject down meticulously, examining every sinuous curve for the most delicate detail. The three sizes: bust, waist, hips; her style: hair and eyes; and how could he forget, the clothes and the accessories...

Wait a second...something's wrong with this picture, thought Naruto suddenly, as all pretense of sparkly happy days and the joys of youth under the summer sky disappeared in the crashing roar of a tsunami.

Come to think of it, everything about this beautiful "young lady" was too --- _flat_. Other than "her" wondrous face, everything else was flat, and besides, what kind of "modest maiden" wore a _yukata_ that loose, without sleeves, and without the minimal in feminine support known as chest bindings? Also, what's up with that black choker and...!

Oh.

Damn.

That's just scary.

The blonde-haired _genin_ sweatdropped, and with deadpanned dread swaggered his way over, like a sulking child, to this beautiful person, before dropping down in thuggish squat. Holding his hand up palm flat in greeting, and he said the only thing that came to his mind:

"Yo, Transvestite-san."

Blush.

Now, that's certainly an unexpected reaction; if anything, I was expecting --- _him_ --- to completely freak out that I saw through --- _his_ --- er, fetish, I guess.

"H-How did you?" stuttered the red-faced gal-guy person, hugging himself a touch protectively.

More sweatdropping...

"Onii-_chan_, seriously, you don't know want to..."

"Of course, I do; if you could...oh!"

"Hey-hey, what's with the I-just-swallowed-something-nasty look-_dattebayo_?"

"Y-You --- You scoundrel! How..."

"_Maa_, _maa_, if anyone's a scoundrel, it'd be you. Do I like need to come up with some kind of _Sexy no Jutsu_ or something for folks like you?"

"W-What?"

Naruto waved the pretty boy's flabbergasted bewilderment off with a somewhat disinterested, "Never mind. Anyways, what's your name and what are you doing out here anyway, O-nii-_chan_?"

"Oh...hmph! And why should I tell you anything, you ill-mannered lout?" Mr. Pretty Guy scoffed back at him crossly.

"Well, as much as I appreciate you saving my sanity, or at least giving a sight reprieve from the Hell I've been seeing for the past seven days since I lost my glasses --- you still got me at a bad time?"

"W-What are you saying? I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Look, I was in the middle of something important. I've got a town to save, a crazy no-eyebrows freak of a missing _jounin_ to defeat, and I've got business with that rat bastard, Gatou, to deal with, so what the-!"

"Listen, you must obviously have me confused for someone else. I don't have time to play games with you for I must return home immediately with these herbs I've picked."

"Whoa, hey now! What's the rush?" Naruto called after the boy, as he rose to his feet as well, "Come to think of it, that kind of formal, girly accent --- Mr. _Boku_ --- you don't look like...those clothes, hmmm. No, better yet, you're not from around here are you?"

The air suddenly grew very cold, enough to send a few choice chills up Naruto's spine. For whatever reasons, he had never really learned Ninja Know-How Lesson Number Three "Discretion," that is, knowing when to keep your mouth shut or disseminating bits and pieces of information to get more than what you gave away. Of course, there were other practical applications of discretion.

And then, he smelled it, making him nearly gag: death, blood, the madness of slaughter, and an undying ambition to grasp power at any cost, to destroy the old, and begin a new revolution. Countless lives swept away in an instant, giving birth to black grudges; vengeance; and it shall be carried out soon. He who gives birth to evil shall be judged and rightly punished for his sins.

"H-Holy Zen, y-you're --- you're with _him_, that No Eyebrows Freak!"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 16 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	17. Chapter 17

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 17:

In and Out of the Woods

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Listen, you must obviously have me confused for someone else. I don't have time to play games with you for I must return home immediately with these herbs I've picked."

"Whoa, hey now! What's the rush?" Naruto called after the boy, as he rose to his feet as well, "Come to think of it, that kind of formal, girly accent --- Mr. _Boku_ --- you don't look like...those clothes, hmmm. No, better yet, you're not from around here are you?"

The air suddenly grew very cold, enough to send a few choice chills up Naruto's spine. For whatever reasons, he had never really learned Ninja Know-How Lesson Number Three "Discretion," that is, knowing when to keep your mouth shut or disseminating bits and pieces of information to get more than what you gave away. Of course, there were other practical applications of discretion.

And then, he smelled it, making him nearly gag: death, blood, the madness of slaughter, and an undying ambition to grasp power at any cost, to destroy the old, and begin a new revolution. Countless lives swept away in an instant, giving birth to black grudges; vengeance; and it shall be carried out soon. He who gives birth to evil shall be judged and rightly punished for his sins.

"H-Holy Zen, y-you're --- you're with _him_, that No Eyebrows Freak!"

* * *

"I ask that you refrain from insulting Zabuza-sama in my presence, Uzumaki Naruto --- special _genin_ of Konohagakure," the boy warned him icily, as he turned about to face the stunned blonde-haired _genin_. "To speak such crass words behind another's back when that person is not even here to defend himself is unbecoming behavior for a _shinobi_; cowardice, if you will."

Naruto tensed at the insult in turn, rearing back with a snarl, "_Che_, so you know who I am, huh. And just the hell are you supposed to be, Mr. _Boku_?"

"Haku: I am the tool called '_shinobi_', Zabuza-sama's finest masterpiece."

"Eeeehhh?" A tool? A tool called '_shinobi_'? What the hell?

"Would you like to see for yourself? After your miserable performance against my master, there's little doubt in my mind that it would be child's play for me to kill you."

"If it's a fight you want, then bring it on-_dattebayo_! But before we get to that, tell me this much, won't ya?"

"Hm?"

"What was the big idea dragging me all the way out here, huh? What did you call me out for? Wouldn't it have been simpler just kill me dead on the spot? And just how did you bring me here anyway?"

For whatever reasons then, Haku eyed him strangely, his brown eyes narrowing in thought, "I beg your pardon, Uzumaki-san?"

"Oh, come on; you can give me that much before we get this on, can't you?" Naruto complained right back. Why is he looking at me like I'm crazy? He's the one who brought me here obviously, so he should be talking responsibility, BE-LIEVE IT!

The thought that Zabuza's subordinate did not have a clue what he was talking about never occurred to him, until it was literally too late.

"You're mistaken, sadly. I am afraid our meeting here was but a twist of fate..."

"A twist of --- ohohoho, you're just kidding right?"

"Oh no, I never intended to meet you out here. Gathering these medicinal herbs for Zabuza-sama was always my objective all along, and unfortunately, I cannot dispose of you here either. _That_ is an indulgence for another time."

"...O-kay, suppose if I should believe you that this was all purely coincidence, and you weren't the one that somehow managed to summon me here without me noticing, considering I was actually miles away back at Tazuna-san's house training..."

"Hmm..."

"Just how the hell did I get here? Last time I checked, I was running up a tree doing _chakra_ control exercise, and now --- I'm here. Even good _shinobi_ don't just suddenly move a couple of miles in a blink of an eye, right?. So if it ain't you, who brought me here, **_who_**. _did_?"

As if on cue, the light of the world disappeared from this small clearing; its beauty and life erased in a split second. Once more, Naruto found himself back in his nightmarish world, the boy Haku joining him as well, though the red string leading to Zabuza's underling had not disappeared. The air was humming with ill-omens, a distant buzzing noise, like blades grinding against each other, sharpening each other with acid hisses drew closer. Something was coming and it would be here soon.

Oh Buddha, I have to get outta here! ...but what about this guy? wondered Naruto hesitantly. It doesn't look like he even knows about the --- well --- whatever-the-heck is coming.

Apparently, Haku noticed his reluctance rather easily, "Are you running away?"

"Eh-hehehe! Sorry-sorry, but how about we settle this another day, huh? 'sides, wouldn't Zabuza-_yarou_ get pissed if you finished me off now?"

"True; you and that girl have caused my master great grief. He had expressed quite vehemently of his desire for revenge."

"Nice! Then, this works out great, doesn't it?"

"_Hai_; let us meet again, Uzumaki Naruto, though our next meeting shall be your last," Haku bowed to him formally, before sprinting off into the woods, his precious cargo in tow.

Unfortunately, making certain that this particular "not-so-innocent" by-stander did not get caught in the imminent mess had cost Naruto time, and right now, time was not on his side at all. The clearing was small, roughly of thirty yards in diameter, and no cover to speak of, period. He could hear the hiss of the blade, an ominous roar almost on top of him, drawing closer and giving him little time to prepare a plan. Frankly, the boy did not even know what he was supposed to expect, and what measures he was to take to defend himself. However, there was no avenue of escape open to him for his only choice was to fight and clear a path by force.

"_Oi_-_oi_, you stupid brat, don't you know what you're getting into?" a masculine voice echoed darkly, surrounding him from all sides.

Naruto froze on the spot, his brilliant blue eyes quivering with anxiety, darting to and fro in search of the foreign --- no --- _alien_ presence. There was a heavy weight in the air, sparking his instincts on a razor edge, tangible: infinite desire, infinite greed, infinite lust, infinite ambition, infinite rapture, all-encompassing mania, and most importantly, _hunger_...

"Who's there? Answer me!"

"Hehehe, what's this-what's this? This nostalgic smell, this delicious _feeling_? Could it be? Could it be? _Fufufufu_."

"_K-Kuso_...another creepy bastard, huh?"

"_Creepy_? Hardly, but to prey like you, my name hardly matters, though it seems you've become quite the delicacy since we killed you."

Say WHAT!

"Speechless, huh? If I was still human, I image it'd be a cause for _concern_ to meet one of the many hands responsible for ending my short career at life."

"D-Dammit, show yourself!" Naruto snarled back in outrage. He could not believe it. This --- that guy! He was one of the idiots who killed him and got him trapped in a shady deal with the Kyuubi! Unbelievable.

The voice howled mockingly, "It's too soon for us to meet yet, _kouzou_, but I'll tell you something good before I go, 'kay?"

"Ehhhh?"

"Don't hold back."

"...Wha-?"

"Because my _little_ friend here doesn't know how to either!"

Oh hell...

Punctually, Naruto was very aware of the electrifying buzz in the air before him, a revolving shower of luminescent sparks being spit out at a million miles per second by the plethora of blades clashing in a blur. It was loud, a cacophony of metallic moans and shrieks that filled his ears with white noise, appearing seemingly out of mid-air. The infernal creature was big as a house, probably; space squealed, distorted and quivering around its vague frame, masking its true bulk. Eight eyes, shining brightly like searchlights, blazed at him, patterned not so unlike a spider for visible mandibles with long thick fangs hung below them.

If he was not mistaken, Konoha's Number One special _genin_ assumed he was staring at the thing's head. He had a pretty good feeling too that standing right in front of it was not a good place to be, even though it would be years later before he was finally able to identify the said creature. What was it? Oh, nothing _terribly_ terrible, just a servant of the Greater Old One, Atlach-Nacha --- The Spider God, Spinner in Darkness --- who was but the first of many "Chaos Gods" he was to meet in his illustrious "career" to come.

But back to the present...namely the little nasty bugger standing in front of him that he dubbed a "Weaver."

"...Before we get started, _Obakemono_-san, just what the hell are you?" Naruto asked sheepishly.

Yes, there was no doubt it was a dumb question, but for the sake of his withering courage, he needed a little comic relief. Still, even in his wildest dreams could he never have imagined to be standing here in a face off against the --- super-para-whatever-normal. The question now was what should he do? Retreat was not an option, especially when pursuit was guaranteed and he no idea where or which way to run, but if he were to strike first, how was he supposed to even treat his opponent? Did the idea of life and death even apply to this thing; could it be --- _killed_?

There was only one way to find out, and unfortunately, the big bastard decided to make the first move. His only warning was a sudden flare in its spotlight eyes turning red, accompanied by a terrible hiss over the roaring cacophony of its blurry "limbs," before a mass off hooked cables shot out from beneath its bulk. Instincts taking over, Naruto exploded into motion, hurling himself out of the way. The earth behind him ripped open with an ugly audible crack, as he tucked into a ball, rolling off his forearm into a ready crouch.

Dismissing any thought of feeling out his opponent's weaknesses, the blonde-haired boy was determined to use his heavy artillery now and be done with this infernal creature. Brute force before grace, and this moment of crisis was the best time to put that theory to use, as he reached into the folds of his jacket and withdrew the Raijin, thankful that he had come fully armed:

"Hope you said your prayers, _ugly_! _Naruto Ninpouchou_ --- Eat this! _Hi_-_satsu_ - RAIJIN --- _HOEROU_!"

The crackling bolt of blinding white lightning roared across the horizon, sundering the sky in two, and turning night into day for an instant. From where he sat, half-crumpled against the base of a tree, several yards away from where he originally crouched, Naruto could only gaze in dazed awe at his own handiwork. A smoking Raijin --- the hilt still red hot --- clutched in his trembling fist, he saw a swathe of destruction, a burnt scar in the earth that stretched for nearly a hundred yards out and ten yards wide. Trees were caught in flame, burning leaves swirling in the air like embers, and none too far away was a blazing carcass of molten slag.

Perhaps, it was fortunate then that the black skies now filled with clouds of ash gave a monstrous belch, and down came a rain of blood that eerily sated the flames and put them out. Despite the disturbing imagery, the blonde-haired boy could only be preoccupied with the weapon he held, his mind gasping to grasp the troubling facts he had witnesses. How did he manage to accomplish all of --- _this_? This sort of wanton destruction should be impossible for a _genin_!

Was it because of the Kyuubi? No way; he had not even asked for a drop of her tainted _chakra_. If it was not the Kyuubi, then was it the Raijin? Every time he used this particular move, it seemed to be growing exponentially stronger. Why he had only thought up of it on the spur of the moment nearly a month ago to surprise the hell out of Kakashi! Though it is a powerful artifact made by the Nidaime Hokage, the Raijin ultimately should not be any more than a glorified _chakra_ sword with electrical attributes. and yet...

I wonder, if I should have somebody to take a look at this --- _thing_ --- when I get back to Konoha? wondered Naruto, as he pulled himself up to his feet with a pained wince.

The force of the blast had apparently hammered him pretty good, but he was none the worse for the pain, though he imagined the bruises and aches would catch up with him later. Right now, finding his way back to civilization was number one on his list of priorities; however, _hitsuzen_ was not so kind to him that day. As it turned out (though it was lesson he would learn much later in life), Weavers despite being mere servitors were actually reasonably powerful "High Materialization Entities" that exist beyond the laws of nature.

Therefore, it was to great shock and awe as Naruto watched the cooling molten slag abruptly stir, a bulging amorphous mass come to life. From what he could gather, the "amoeba" grew rapidly by absorbing the available mass around it, and was surely reassembling itself piece by piece. In a matter of minutes, a fully "regenerated" Weaver stood before him once again; its distorting gravitational cloak humming with renewed life, and its spotlight eyes flaring red with hostility.

The Weaver struck first, launching another volley of hooked cables whistling through the air. Of course, Naruto dodged yet again with another diving roll when the unexpected happened. Out from the mass cables, that perfect gray surface rippling like muscles, erupted a bundle of spiked tendrils, catching him off guard right in mid-roll. Pain and confusion blasted him senseless as the tendrils pierced his limbs, avoiding his vitals apparently, and smashed through a tree, nearly knocking him unconscious.

Dazed, a frightening feeling of lethargy dulling his mind, Naruto could scarcely muster any resistance, as he was hoisted up into the air, the prized prey caught at last. To his clouding blue eyes, the world was awash in a haze of perceptible motion, blacks and reds, swaying to and fro. Perhaps, he was being hung up side down, but still, those red lights drawing awfully close. Oh, and what were all those sparks spewing out from beneath them for? Well, the _genin_ supposed he would find out soon enough.

Fortunately, it never had to come to that...

"The pitch black hound of Hell --- Cerberus! Incinerate all that stands in my way; burn them all in the purifying flames. Fire! Black Barrel - eternal slumber to the target. _MAXIMUM SHOOT-TO_!"

From the periphery of his vision, he caught sight of a spark of flame, just moments before the immense shockwave caught up with him. Naruto discovered himself severed forcefully from the tendrils blood spraying from his wounds, as the world exploded in a kaleidoscope of colors and motion, the terrible death knell of twisting metal. It was as if a whirlwind had picked him up and tossed him into a tornado and left him at the mercy of chance.

Black ignited into brilliant white, and he fell once more into blissful oblivion.

* * *

When the world returned to him, Uzumaki Naruto discovered a somewhat familiar ceiling to greet him. "Familiar" because this house, Tazuna's home, was the only real sanctuary he had out here in the doomed Wave Country for it was only here in this abode that he did not see the Hell outside. The sky looked as it should with dark thunderhead clouds at the moment, the sea blue, and the rain simply water.

The restraining presence of bandages on his limbs was a touch uncomfortable, but the furthest sensation from the _genin_'s tumbling mind, as he took in all his senses had to offer. He in the concealed basement again no doubt, lying down in the same bed he had occupied not so long ago, though it seemed a life time had passed since seven days. Somebody had tended to his wounds, an expert at first aid, judging by the neatly wrapped bandages on his arms and legs that bound the sterile dressings underneath in place. Alas, there was not anything to be done for the pain that was barely bearable, but judging by the pristine white condition of the wrappings, he was not bleeding anymore at least.

"You're awake," stated a cool mezzo-soprano from his bedside, one that he immediately recognized though she obliged to speak these days only to criticize his latest slew of hackneyed battle plans or "nanny" him.

Naruto laughed aloud, forcing a grin on his face despite the shocks of pain elicited by his laughter, "Hello to you too, _Aibou_!"

"Uzumaki-kun, are you always this cheerful after nearly getting killed?"

"Not really, but I read from this one women's fashion magazine that smiling makes you less ugly 'cause it only takes nineteen facial muscles to smile compared to twenty-three to frown."

"...and what in Santa Maria's name would **you** be doing with a women's fashion magazine?"

"Well, it all started with..."

"Ugh! Never mind; save the story for another time."

"So now we're gonna play twenty questions, Mana-chan? And hey, didn't I say-"

"**And** didn't I say that I did not give you explicit permission to call me by my first name, much less with anything '-_chan_' attached to it?"

Naruto pouted, a childish groan escaping his lips, as he cocked his head aside to make eye contact with the dusky-skinned beauty of a girl. However, any smart retort he had on the tip of his tongue died there when he caught sight of Mana's own bandaged hands lying in her lap joined by her black "gun" that oddly enough gave off a grave air of unhappiness, "Holy Zen, Tatsumaki-chan! What did you do to your beautiful hands?"

The stoic girl in question --- _blinked_ --- hard.

"Excuse me?"

"Honey --- _Gourgeous_, what did you do to your hands!"

O...

...kay.

In Mana's mind, despite whatever age gap, she was first and foremost always Killy's girl, although she could only dream that her most important person would ever reciprocate such --- _sentimental_ --- feelings for her. After all, he was gone again, left her behind, and entrusted her with a weapon that could kill Gods (if she could ever figure out how to master it). Though worst of all, by going far ahead of her, the mysterious _professional_ had made her "time" stop yet again.

That Big Idiot...!

Anyways, Uzumaki Naruto _obviously_ did not fully grasp the dynamic relationship between boys and girls, and certainly not the implications of the fiery words that came spewing out of his mouth. Honestly, those sort of flattering words had a devestating affect on the female mind as even girls were not immune to vanity. On top of which, the blonde-haired boy was much too bold, as if their relationship was not simply a professional one. The familiar tones of address and the affectionate banter was utterly alien to her coming from a boy --- and if this behavior should carry over when he should eventually mature into a man...

Argh, this was but another reason why men were not needed on her battlefield; always making things more difficult for her!

"You know, I never did thank you for saving me," Naruto's brash voice interjected abruptly, breaking her reverie.

Funny; he sounded strangely tender there for a second, with none of his usual bravado.

"Those bandaged hands --- that's from number two, right?"

Mana nodded, "First degree burns. Happens every time I use the _Keroberosu_ technique. I'm used to it by now, though this is the first time in a while I've fired without my gloves on to protect my hands."

"Eh-heheh... I guess, I'm the one who's still not being totally honest here."

"Honesty?" Again? What does he mean by that now?

"Where's my vest at?"

"Your vest?"

"Yeah, that really handy utility vest with all the pockets and stuff; it survived, didn't it?"

"Hmm, hold on..."

"Right breast pocket; there's something you need to see."

"The _pactio_ card?"

"Yup, and now, get over here and keep me company, won't you?" Naruto laughed jovially, "It feels awfully cold around here without you next to me, Tatsumaki."

Inwardly, Mana frowned as she silently obeyed the boy's request, returning to her char by his bedside once more. The proud _genin_'s attitude was unlike his usual self in every sense of the word, and it had her on edge to say the least, as if he were about to make some --- unwanted confession that would utterly doom her. Hell, if anyone could ruin her, it would be him.

"I figured this out a couple of nights ago by accident, but that _pactio_ card actually is a set of two cards."

"Two cards?" And why is he telling this to me now, unless...

"Yup; looks like one, but it's really two. Try pulling them apart and you'll see!"

"Shouldn't that rip it apart? _Pactio _cards are normally..."

"Mana-chan, I'm really, really, really trying to trust you here," Naruto pleaded with her in a totally un-Naruto like manner, "You already saved my life twice-_dattebayo_! If that's not proof of loyalty, I don't know what is. You and me; we're definitely partners in life and death together on this job, and I'm not going to keep secrets from you anymore."

At last, the light of enlightenment finally dawned on Mana, her golden irises shimmering to a violet color, as she began to grasp the nature of the situation, "Secrets?"

"_E-Etou_, I haven't told you everything about me yet, though now isn't a really good time either. If we can make it out of this alive, I'm sure there'll be plenty of time to get to know each other!"

"Hmmm..." What a strange guy... Trust is a matter of importance in a professional relationship, but sometimes, being perfectly honest is also a drawback. Discretion is the virtue of the wise and the victors. Regardless, I would've seen to my end of the bargain to the best of my ability.

The way Naruto is acting...

It's as if he cared about her feelings...

Why? Feelings only get in the way on the battlefield. Anger, hate, sadness, vengeance, righteousness, indignation, and many more; these feelings meant nothing in the face of death.

"Naruto..."

"Whoa, you just called me by my first name; sweet! I knew, I should've trusted you sooner instead of trying to..."

"...have you ever killed someone before?"

Silence.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I've been by your side for the past seven days, and in this entire time, you have not once even considered ending this standoff with Gatou's assassins in the simplest way possible: **Kill Gatou**."

He said not a word.

"Why? Zabuza-_yarou_'s a missing-_nin_, isn't he? A traitor of his own Hidden Village? Don't they have ways of dealing with traitors like him in this world?"

"...Y-Yeah, they do... _Hunter_-_nin_..."

"In that case, it would be reasonable to assume that Gatou is protecting Zabuza, and is also the missing-_nin_'s employer. Zabuza's a killer, a man of great ambition no doubt judging by the great pride he had in himself, but he's no fool either. If Gatou's dead..."

"_No_," Naruto boomed coldly, sending a rare chill of fear up her spine.

In fact, it was extremely unusual feeling for an injured person to conjure up in Mana, a _professional _with more to her name than she cared to remember but could not forget either, "Excuse me?"

"I'm not going to kill him. And _you _won't either."

"Are you _ordering _me, Uzumaki. Naruto?"

"No, I'm just telling you what your job really is, **Partner**, that is --- if you still plan on coming with me."

"My real job?"

"I'm not a _shinobi_, Mana. Come to think of it, everything changed the moment I met Yuuko-san. In truth, I'm a **Contractor**, a person who grants --- _wishes _--- for a price. It's not my job to change the world, and bare the responsibility for such actions; I'm just the middle man, and it's my responsibility to foster the opportunity for that change to happen."

"What are you saying? Isn't your objective to save this country?"

"Oh, I never said that **I** would save it **personally**, though you bet I'm trying my best to save it," Naruto chuckled lightly aloud with a grin, earning himself an astonished frown out of his companion. "Besides, that's not That Man's wish."

"That Man's wish?" Mana asked tentatively, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer. Suddenly, this whole situation in the Wave Country was becoming a whole lot more complicated, not to mention the hyperactive _genin_ from Konoha was emerging into a more sophisticated character than she first thought. How much more was there to know about him really?

"My contract isn't with Tazuna-san, Mana-_chan_. My official job with him from the Hidden Village of Leaf ended the moment I got him back here to the Wave Country. My real job on the other hand... Well, for starters I'm working for the man who was once a hero in this country, a drifter by the name of Kaiza."

"Once a hero?"

"He's dead, and this is his dying wish: to the people of the Wave, ignite once again the flames of courage, the strength to protect what is precious to you with your own two hands, even at the cost of your very lives, and save this land that I loved as my own!"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 17 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. And yes, this took a really long time to put together for some reason, though I think the shift between fight scene and heavy character development/plotting is probably why it took so long. Then again, there was a lot of Silent Hill-ing and introspection during the fight scene too, so --- yeah...

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	18. Chapter 18

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 18:

The Calm before the Storm

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"What are you saying? Isn't your objective to save this country?"

"Oh, I never said that **I** would save it **personally**, though you bet I'm trying my best to save it," Naruto chuckled lightly aloud with a grin, earning himself an astonished frown out of his companion. "Besides, that's not That Man's wish."

"That Man's wish?" Mana asked tentatively, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer. Suddenly, this whole situation in the Wave Country was becoming a whole lot more complicated, not to mention the hyperactive _genin_ from Konoha was emerging into a more sophisticated character than she first thought. How much more was there to know about him really?

"My contract isn't with Tazuna-san, Mana-_chan_. My official job with him from the Hidden Village of Leaf ended the moment I got him back here to the Wave Country. My real job on the other hand... Well, for starters I'm working for the man who was once a hero in this country, a drifter by the name of Kaiza."

"Once a hero?"

"He's dead, and this is his dying wish: to the people of the Wave, ignite once again the flames of courage, the strength to protect what is precious to you with your own two hands even at the cost of your very lives, and save this land that I loved as my own!"

* * *

Oh, Naruto knew it was coming. Any minute now, _she _was going to part open her delightful lips, and let loose another beautiful curse. Why beautiful? Well, it was just his humble opinion that _she _was one of the few people who could look good while pissed off and smarting off irreverently at everything and anybody foolish enough to grab her attention, even the disheartened townspeople's could sense her wrath. Of course, the blonde-haired boy imagined that his boss, Ichihara Yuuko, could do the same feat and make it look ten times better easily.

"This is f---ing _stupid_," Mana spat irritably for the umpteenth time beside him on the bench.

Naruto grinned inwardly while doing his best to ignore the macabre view of the crimson before him. He knew coming all the way out to the docks where they waited now at an empty pier on the water front was not going to do wonders for his health, but considering it was their first decent lead, he had no choice:

"Well, it can't be that bad..."

"_Bad_? Bad, you say? I'm the _one_ who's been hauling your sorry invalid a-- around town the whole morning, while you **asked **people in broad daylight where you could find Gatou! And I use the term _asked_ very lightly mind you."

"Man, even after I gave you the other half of the _pactio_ card to you as proof of my trust, you still don't trust me, do you?"

"If doing things like _this _that can get us horribly killed is your idea of a great plan, then yes, I definitely don't trust you."

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

"_Hai_. You're the _worst_; this is probably the worst idea you could have thought, considering your invalid condition, and the fact my hands are still recovering, so I can't use _Rankansen_ properly. Fighting hand-to-hand is not my specialty, and I certainly never had to do it while protecting someone else who can't even defend themselves. On top of that, you lied to Tazuna-san, telling him everything's business as usual, and that your _kagebunshin_ are still shadowing him, even though they really aren't!"

Okay, the _genin_ supposed changing the subject now would be a good idea, "_Rankansen_? What's that?"

"None of your damned business because this is your fault," the dusky-skinned beauty glared at him with her golden irises, perhaps subconsciously anticipating his own moves, as she continued to rant and rage onwards. "And what's so important about this package that you've got in your backpack anyway? Why the hell did you decide that now would be a brilliant time to deliver it to Gatou? No. Better yet, why are you even delivering to him in the first place! Isn't **he **the enemy? What is wrong with you, Uzumaki-_baka_! How did you even receive a dead man's wish anyway?"

"...Whoa, Tatsumaki-chan, are you really that worried? You've been spazing out on me since this morning, although you were back to Miss Woman the Cool Spy when we were questioning people back in town."

"Of course, I'm worried! Killy would never..."

Needless to say, Mana never quite got to finish that last sentence; in fact, it was as if she had thunderstruck, her expression disbelieving and her eyes wide with shock. Perhaps, she realized her own immature behavior for it seemed to appear that she was far from the type to blow a fuse over unfavorable circumstances. The red blush gracing her cheeks, and her sudden interest in the pavement, however, said otherwise that there were other things on her mind.

Naruto wondered if he had just heard something he should not have, but still, it could not hurt to ask, right?

"Who's Killy?"

Mana insisted on blushing some more, and totally evading the question, "Wh-What are you talking about? Who said that?"

"You."

"Must be your overactive imagination as usual."

"Geez, you're one strange girl, Tatsumaki."

"Oh yeah? Look who's talking Mister-!"

"Still, I think it's kinda cute to see you can actually be a normal girl for a change," the hyperactive _genin_ shrugged, completely unaware of the devastating effect of his words.

Across from himself, Mana was having the equivalent of a spiritual meltdown, blushing ever redder. The impossible was happening to her; bottled up feelings, old and unused, were rising up through "cracks" in the serene, mysterious professional facade she worn ever since Killy had left. Her _time _had stopped, and only when he had returned briefly during those last fateful hours, had she been able to take off that mask, so that _time_ may yet again flow. Questions arose in her feverish mind at a million miles per minute: how, why, what, when, where...

Uzumaki Naruto.

Unbelievable.

This twelve-years-old greenhorn of a kid was making her _time_ move! Even saints, angels, demons, and heretics could not move her soul to open up to them for her devotion was to one man and one man only, and yet, _Uzumaki Naruto_ had achieved the impossible. Never in her time apart from Killy had she ever opened up to anyone else, and even her feelings of "puppy love" for the Captain of the Biathlon Club was only because of his resemblence to her most important person.

Kouki T. Killy and Uzumaki Naruto had absolutely nothing in coming. The difference between these two was as clear as day and night. Naruto was virtually transparent, bright as the sun, brimming with renewed courage, no matter how many times he was cut down by fear. He seemed to constantly be in a good mood, always with smiles or grins, speaking frankly. He was inexperienced and way in over his head, but he refused to give up. Hell, she had probably been so captivated by his personality that she had not even noticed when he had withheld secrets.

And oh, Mana could imagine there were a million secrets behind that foxy smile.

No.

No!

I won't accept this --- that there can be someone else who can take Killy's place. Everything I am today is because of him; this very body belongs to him; this life! If he had not come on that cursed day, then I... Ugh! That's why I can't-!

Any further damning words of denial and such, however, were put on hold when Naruto's voice broke into her thoughts all too kindly, "Hate to break your Zen, but --- we got _company_, Tatsumaki-chan."

Ah, yes; her angst would have to wait...

* * *

_Somehow_, Naruto's crazy, plain stupid, retarded, dumb plan worked. Escorted by the two very, very "helpful" _rounin_ to an unmarked warehouse (of course, the irascible blonde insisted she think of them as _samurai_ when clearly they were the worst of _yakuza_), Mana found herself in the jackal's den, though quite frankly it seemed more to call it a cesspool of corruption. Thugs, serfs, and many more villains alike were milling about; some were fraternizing freely amongst themselves, others sorting containers and manifests, hustling serfs that lagged behind, and making sure this miniature macrocosm ran smoothly.

It was a place of business, and the villains here hardly had time to spare to heckle or observe two "street urchins" being escorted by Gatou's top two enforcers. Never mind the strangeness of the girl carrying the apparently invalid boy on her back piggyback style, while he bore the weight of an oddly full backpack. Time was money, and time was not to be wasted, if Master Gatou had anything to say about it, which more often than not he had plenty to say.

At the end of the warehouse, they were lead up a flight stairs to an overhanging office that had a commanding view of the entire operation, part ego and part efficiency no doubt. There were a pair of thugs posted outside the ominous dark oaken door, but one look at the two hardened _yakuza_ and they paled in visible fear, scattering out of the way, like onerous rats in the face of cats. Behind those doors had to be Gatou himself, and perhaps, their own deaths.

O Santa Maria, please watch over her and grant her strength!

* * *

More or less, the plan seemed to be working great. He had fooled Tazuna surprisingly well into complacency, considering the old man was used to being shadowed by the Naruto squad. The lying part sucked, but hey, all in the name of a job well done! Regrettably, progress with Mana was not quite what he expected; he trusted her, but she sure as hell did not trust him. Then again, there were certain things he could not tell her just yet, despite his proclamation of "partners in life and death" because the truth would absolutely destroy her at this point, and he could not afford to lose her. She was his responsibility, and he swore he would see to it that she was taken care of and free to live as she chose.

Of course, there were a ton of phenomenon occurring that he had no real way to explain. All he could do in regards to them was simply accept vague second hand information that had been passed along to him way back before his journey to the Wave Country began, and even then, they were much too scant to be of much help. Hell, Naruto did not even know how he was able to pull off saying something as cool as he did about Kaiza's wish.

It just kinda --- came to him, to be honest. He never even thought much about the guy's wish before. Just like the time with Tazuna on the boat, he really had just accepted on impulse, as if someone else had planted the suggestion in his mind long ago and he was simply acting on it now that the opportunity had presented itelf.

Could this be the work of _hitsuzen_?

Wait a second, _hitsuzen_? When the heck did he start talking and thinking like Yuuko-san? Whoa, that's definitely not like him at all, considering he had hardly even gotten to know her, and yet, the very nature of her business was beginning to find its way into his behavior. Granted, Naruto was still suspicious of the wish granting part and whole lot of other things, but like all things, he seemed to be becoming a believer gradually.

Argh, creepy; oh well, best to deal with what was in front of him first and worry about the other stuff later. Still, he had to admit for a villain, Gatou had a pretty decent taste in decor. The opposing divan that the evil pig of a man sat was slightly raised while the couch that sat on was slightly lowered as well, inspiring an inherent air of superiority in his position. Then again, considering Gatou's rather diminutive height, it was also rather obvious compensation, and the dimmed halogen lights intended to create a dark atmosphere did not help either.

"HA-hahahah, so you're the little brat that's been causing so much ruckus all morning long, the Great Gatou-sama?" the bespectacled man in his fine three-piece business suit sneered at them openly. The malicious effect of his gleaming glasses and entire classy getup, of course, was somewhat diminished as he one of his arms in a sling and cast. "I didn't want to believe it at first that there was some young blonde-haired punk wearing a ninja forehead protector, spitting trash about me, on the streets in broad daylight for every last one of those worthless country bumpkins to hear, and calling me out mano-a-mano...hehehhe. And surprise, surprise-!"

Grinning inwardly at the opening he perceived from his place on the couch to Mana's left, a silent sentinel compared to the two samurai flanking Gatou blasting them both with ominous smirks, Naruto fired back his own retort:

"...'_I find you_, _the little kusogaki from Konoha that gave that freak Zabuza so much trouble_, _half-dead_ _and in need of being carried around like a leper by some girl_. _Hey_, _pretty girl_, _never seen you before but do you got any brains at all_, _or are those big tits_ _only good for milk_...' is what you were about to say, right, _Butayarou_?"

The brief sliver of piercing murderous intent that stabbed him in the side was rather unsettling, and it nearly shattered his composure. He would really have to try and make it up to Mana later. Still, Gatou's stupefied expression made it practically worth it!

"...Y-You little-!"

"Hey-hey, enough with the pissing contest already, Gatou-san. Oh, and for your information, Tatsumaki's sharp as a knife, but she's only chauffeuring me around since I can't move on my own right now."

"Ha! Like I care, you and the..."

"I know, I know; you're going to try and kill us both; me for being a dick, and her just for getting involved."

"EHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?"

"But, it's not good business or polite to kill the delivery boy, you know?" noted the blonde-haired boy, "'sides, my whole operation here isn't even sanctioned by the Hidden Village of Leaf; my job ended over a week ago. You could say I'm strictly here on --- _pleasure_, Gatou-san."

Obviously, it did not take much to set off Gatou, as he was no doubt a villain used to getting his way, but the guy seemed to have an unnaturally sharp sense for opportunities too. Almost immediately all anger drained from his face, and a greedy sneer alighted itself in the place of his snarl, "Ooohhh, _pleasure_ you say, _shinobi_-san?"

"Yup, I was actually getting ready to leave after No-Eyebrows Freak almost killed me, but then I remembered something else: Gatou-san, you recently purchased a rather --- _expensive_ --- item, didn't you? Like say, _one billion yen_?"

"Ha...HAhahahahh! What a joke! Why would I..."

"I've got the receipt right here in vest, if you want to see it. Oh, and by the way, _Club_ _Shangri_-_La_ in 'Hama sends its best wishes and hopes to do more business with you in the future, that is..."

"Waraji, Zori: get out, guard the door, and make sure nobody interrupts us. Your bonuses are both on the line here!"

Whoa, I guess, he really doesn't think of us as much of a threat. Then again, I'm crippled, he only thinks Tatsumaki-chan is only good for looks, and I'm not here to kill anybody. Business is Business.

"Now then, that very --- important --- item is with you, yes?"

"Geez, I haven't gotten there yet; you're pretty sharp yourself, as to be expected CEO of the Gatou Company, one of the richest men in the world: transportation, smuggling, drugs, _human resources_, and takeovers --- all in a day's work for you, _ne_?"

"Ohohohoho! Quick, quick; show it to me, boy! I must see it --- absolutely, must see it! That wonderful, beautiful mirror!"

"As you wish, Gatou-sama. _Oi_, Tatsumaki, the package's in my pack, slide it real nice and lady-like across the coffee table to our customer, won't you?" Naruto grinned at his partner, his face warped in a foxy smile.

He had to admit Mana had an excellent poker face, and a near unholy grasp of her emotions. Perhaps, it would only be in his wildest dreams that he would have ever be able to read her feelings, as she automatically did as she was asked without question. Hell, even though he was the one pulling the strings, Naruto could barely suppress the acid touch of revulsion and the indignation he felt at having to caress the evil man's ego.

Still, the blonde-haired boy imagined he was going to be facing a lot of feminine ire eventually, despite the fact he said all those things for a good cause. Ah...such was his lot in life.

The item in question, to which Gatou unraveled from its protective ceremonial wrappings and paraded into the air for all present to see with great triumph, did not seem like much at first. Of course, the tenuous peace was shattered in an instant, as Naruto felt an immense pressure hammer into him with the force of a mountain crushing him to smithereens. Outwardly, his body was interestingly not affected by its influence and neither was Mana; in fact, everybody present in the room seemed to be perfectly normal.

However to Naruto, something was dreadfully "wrong." In the shadows, he could see the ever present eyes and teeth writhing in agony, glowing white hot, before they all burst into flame simultaneously, a cacophonic death knell shattering his ears. Everything inside him was burning hotter than hell; he should have already been dead a couple thousand times over, and yet there seemed to be an eerie disconnect between himself and his own body.

What the hell was happening to him? Could this be --- the mirror!

The mirror was an incredibly ancient --- _thing_ --- yes, a _thing_! This invisible pressure was no doubt its influence, a powerful pulsing "life" that had been born long before there was even an Uzumaki Naruto to grace the world. Its body was a perfect circle taken shape in a precious black stone that glistened like the starry night sky, as butterflies danced across its edge. Inscribed in the frame's body was series of rings that radiated outwards, rays from the sun-like ornament adorning the center, but there was no glass to fill the space. Oh no, glass would simply not do, instead there was water, which clung impossibly so the frame, creating a mirror finish surface that could reflect or cloud with the slightest change in the viewing angle.

"At last, I have it! It's mine, all mine! One of the three legendary treasures of the Imperial Family, a boon from the Goddess _Amaterasu_ herself: this --- is --- _The Mirror of Wisdom_."

Oh...

...f---!

* * *

When he came to once again, though these periods of sudden unconsciousness were really beginning to annoy the hell out of him, Naruto discovered the familiar sight of Tazuna's living room. Considering he had been living here for over a week, and spent almost every night sleeping on the couch, he had long since familiarized himself with the place. However, the blonde-haired boy was deadly certain that the pillow he used to sleep on was nowhere near this --- _comfortable_: soft, warm, and supple, as if...!

An infernal blush seized his cheeks in a death grip, as Naruto realized the gravity of his intimate situation, and the fact a whole legion of frothing mad "groupies" would kill him to be in his place instead. Oh, heck yeah, he trusted her with his life, but man, was this girl whose lap his head presently rested upon really the same Tatsumiya Mana as before, who had spent half the day complaining and hauling his crippled self around? And man, why did she look so serious, like super serious? Well, there was only one way to find out:

"_E-Etou sa_...h-hey, Tatsumaki, errr --- wh-what's up?"

"Who are you? What are you really, Uzumaki Naruto?" came the question he was least expecting, and in a way, he had been dreading subconsciously.

"Ehhhhhh? Whoa, whoa; time out! What happened to bring this up all of a sudden?"

"You. happened..."

"_Anou_... Um, I'm still not..."

"I see, so you don't remember at all?"

"Well, I remember right up to the point Gatou-_butayarou_ pulled out the _Mirror of Wisdom_..." And a whole lot of pain! "...but I kinda blacked out after that. Does that help?"

Mana remained expressionless, but the color shift in her normally golden irises to a deathly white was more than a touch disturbing. In fact, it scared the hell out of him. He had the distinctive feeling she was unhappy, if not outright pissed over something.

Without preamble, his lovely partner began to recite the events that transpired in his mental absence. As soon as Gatou had declared the identity of the priceless artifact, Naruto had apparently checked out to Hotel Never-Neverland, while somebody else ran the show. How was Mana certain somebody else was running the show?

For starters, the room temperature dropped sharply down the tubes, a common side-effect of paranormal activity. All sources of light, artificial and natural, flickered briefly before dying out altogether, leaving only the eerily lit mirror to glow upon the inhabitants. There was huge presence in the room, a massive living being, that enveloped them in its shadowy mass, each shuddering breath it took with the force of a rumbling volcano about to explode. By the light of the mirror, it was possible to perceive splotches of pulsing red fur, and an eerie transformation in one person's shadow.

No longer was there a boy present, but a fox sitting on its haunches with its nine-tails whipping gleefully in the air. The act of possession only became all the more obvious as his "million yen" smile warped into a toothy sneer, the whites in his eyes drained out into black, as his brilliant blue irises bled into a smoldering golden red. Malevolence beyond measure infected the air, inspiring fear and awe, in a suffocating miasma, and it all came from "Uzumaki Naruto."

Blissfully ignorant, Gatou in his rapture did not seem to notice or care at all for his love with the _Mirror of Wisdom _was absolute. Come hell or high water, the mirror was in his possession, and never would he part with it for the life of him. Fervently, he declared that he was invincible as long as the mirror was in his possession, and that was when "Naruto" spoke aloud, his voice changed into a paradox of many voices, clashing and chaotic, speaking as one.

Do you know what that mirror does, _human_?

Of course, I do, you precocious brat! Do you think I would have spent my hard earned millions for nothing, another worthless trinket? No! Never. Only true power is worth my time.

Prove it.

Very well, I --- the Great Gatou --- shall foretell of the future to come --- for I see: DEATH!

Death did he perceive too. All would be decided in seven days on that fateful bridge to tomorrow. Cowardice would not be forgiven. Reluctance would not be forgiven. Weakness would not be forgiven. Everything will be judged and made clear, be they the righteous or the wicked...

"And Gatou-_yarou_, just let us walk out after all that?" Naruto asked Mana, his expression a frown of astonishment.

Yes, it was the truth, and even more miraculously, both of their wounds were completely healed following the encounter. They were back to square one now with a definite deadline and a battleground already decided. Time was short and they had better use these last seven days to their fullest for if he had any doubts, the time to air them out would be...

...now.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 18 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	19. Chapter 19

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 19:

Ready or Not

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Death did he perceive too. All would be decided in seven days on that fateful bridge to tomorrow. Cowardice would not be forgiven. Reluctance would not be forgiven. Weakness would not be forgiven. Everything will be judged and made clear, be they the righteous or the wicked...

"And Gatou-_yarou_, just let us walk out after all that?" Naruto asked Mana, his expression a frown of astonishment.

Yes, it was the truth, and even more miraculously, both of their wounds were completely healed following the encounter. They were back to square one now with a definite deadline and a battleground already decided. Time was short and they had better use these last seven days to their fullest for if he had any regrets, the time to air them out would be...

...now.

* * *

Six days and six nights passed by far quicker than one Uzumaki Naruto would care to appreciate. Ever since the grim revelation, he had been working himself ragged day and night through every training exercise he had memorized in his short _shinobi_ career: the physical got harder and the mental bordering on sadistic torture. He worked at a frenzied pace that even managed to surprise himself, but any idiot with half a brain could see that he was scared as hell.

Oh yeah, there were huge gaping chasms of fear in that invincible mask of pompous bravado dubbed "Konoha's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive _Special Genin_." When things had gotten serious, Naruto had put on that mask, played it by ear, and smiled in the face of danger, while barely holding onto his seat by the edge of his pants. As long as he was in control that he had the power to choose everything was a-okay by him no matter how bad it got, but now, things were different.

The _Mirror of Wisdom _had done something funky and forced an event to happen. Before it had made that prophecy, Naruto had understood that one of the many possibilities in the weeks to come was a confrontation between himself and Gatou's gang, possibly on the Tazuna Super Bridge itself. However, he had not ruled out the possibility that he could make it through this whole mess without another messy fight if Tazuna managed to finish the bridge before Gatou made his next move or sent a recovered Zabuza after them again.

None of his wishful thinking mattered anymore because tomorrow he would have to go to the bridge, and the only two people who knew about this date with destiny was himself and Mana. Yes, Naruto had considered explaining the situation to Tazuna but reconsidered when he realized that the old man had long since been preparing himself for any sort of assassination attempt. Therefore, there was no point in alarming him that he was most definitely attempt on his life at "X" date.

Of course armed with the knowledge of a set day and setting, it was a lot easier to come up with a battle plan. Though he was only a novice in regards to the affairs of _hitsuzen_, Naruto figured he was still better off not trying to screw with whatever "dinner plans" the powers that be had in mind, considering the consequences for this particular event had been spelled out quite clearly. The plan was simple enough, he would accompany Tazuna personally to the bridge tomorrow wherefore a certain trick would be played, and hopefully, not foul enough to tick off anybody upstairs. After all, the bridge builder would still be at the bridge --- right underneath their noses.

In the meantime, Mana would...well, speaking of her...

These days he felt terribly, terribly _alone_, to make matters worse. Sure, Mana was always there by his side; in fact, she was sitting a ways off by the base of a nearby tree just watching him, and watch him she did --- like a _hawk_. It was disheartening, frankly, to see whatever gap he thought he had bridged between them widen exponentially in a matter of days. He thought the villagers cold eyes had hurt back in Konoha, but it sure as hell could not compare coming from somebody he had tried so hard to get close to, and now, she was looking at him like he was not even human!

Damn, just what the hell was eating at her? What could he do to fix it?

"Always the self-sacrificing hero, aren't you Naruto-_human_?" a familiar voice interjected suddenly.

Instantly, Naruto tensed up from his apparent contemplation, between ragged breaths, of the stubborn redwood he had been running up for close to two weeks. Oh, he had not heard from **her **in a long, long while, and slinking out from behind the said tree was none other than Kyuubi: still wearing the same torn bloody slip that was just enough for modesty, not that there was anything worth seeing mind you. Of course, the blonde-haired boy imagined there must be some masochists out there who have a fetish for psychotic killer loligoth demon fox wenches otherwise the great _Kyuubi no Youko_ would not pick a form like that, right?

Argh, never mind; she was flashing him that damned devilish sneer at him again, baring her glistening fangs openly. The gesture alone spelled volumes of trouble, and when his "roommate" was in a good mood, it could only mean she was up to no good. Fine; if she wanted to play games, then he would play games with her. Besides, he had to pay her back somehow for possessing him like that and making Mana hate his guts!

Well, look what the cat dragged in; it's the bitch fox, Kyuubi-sama! thought Naruto derisively with a scowl, as he felt his second wind returning.

"_Oya-oya_, how cold of you and we're having so much _fun_ together now, don't you think so?"

Fun? You call _this_ fun? This isn't fun at all-_dattebayo_! Because of you-!

"_Auuu_, you should know that stupid mirror started it first! I was just mind my own adorable self when it decided to pick a fight with me, **mor**-**tal**. Ah, how unfair the world is when I don't even have my own body --- yet."

Shut up, it's your --- wait, what? The _Mirror of Wisdom_ did what!

"You really don't know do you?"

About what? Y-You --- you took advantage of those favors I owed you, didn't you --- you damned fox!

"I? Damned? _Fufufu_, I knew it-I knew it! You really don't understand a thing. Poor, poor Naruto-_human_, a toy for others to play with!"

What are you babbling about now? I'm not a toy. I'm a human being!

Kyuubi's answer was to mock him some more with her cackling laughter, "Oh, I could go on like this for days, but play time's over, and this is not a _game _I can afford to lose."

Ehhhh? Naruto blinked in bewilderment.

"That _girl_ is the key to our victory tomorrow. I thought a righteous, knuckled-headed fool like you would be able to master her without a problem, but it seems either she's more strong-willed than I first thought or you really are a complete idiot, _human_."

M-Master her? What the hell are you talking about, you pervert fox!

"You still don't get it do you?"

Of course, I don't. Don't you know girls are practically impossible to understand?

"_Che_, again with that denial. Just how much longer are you going to keep deluding yourself, Naruto-_human_?"

Denial? Delusions?

"Must I repeat myself again? ...ugh, I guess it can't be helped, considering you're such an idiot."

I'm not an idiot!

"Then why do you treat a _sword _as if it were a --- **person**?"

...Wh-What are you talking about, Kyuubi? T-Tatsu...M-Mana's a person too, just like me! She's not...

"_Fool_; you really are the worst. So she still doesn't know the truth about herself, _ne_? _Ara-ara_, the sweet cruelty of humans will never cease to amuse me," Kyuubi chuckled at him with a toothy smile.

Naruto snarled back at her, an unspoken plea in his furious blue eyes.

"This turned out to be quite the amusing situation, but alas, now is no time to laugh. Obviously, it was a mistake for me to assume that you understood what a Servant truly is, especially since I told you that she's no longer human."

The hell do you mean? Mana is human! She has feelings just like anyone else does...

"It's a _program_, her personality layer that is, meant to ease operations between a weapon such as herself and the wielder by providing the illusion of human interactions."

H-Huh? A -- A pro-what-thing? An illusion?

"Unfortunately, we don't have time for the finer details in such a beautiful weapon, so I'll tell you what you need to know: the most important thing is, _Trust_."

T-Trust? What does that got to do with anything? And stop calling Mana a weapon!

"It has to do with everything, _human_. Regardless of their origin or authenticity, feelings are powerful; a reason to fight, the fuel of the soul that gives birth to immeasurable strength. That **sword **right now is dormant for it has no purpose; it does not understand you; the reason why you fight, and a sword wielded half-heartedly is of no use to anyone."

Huh?

"But trust is only the first step. There is much more yet that needs to be done, but for now, it is the most important step. Trusting her is not enough. You must earn her trust as well for a Servant is not given to anyone lightly as is true of any worthy _sword_. But make no mistake: she is a _sword_, a weapon, and she can be turned on you just as easily as a _kunai_, regardless of your pact if another more worthy of her should arise."

Mana is Mana! She's not a weapon. She has the power to choose just like anybody else; to live the way she wants to live.

"Hmph, keep lying to yourself as long as you want to, Naruto-_human_. Just don't come crying to me when reality inevitability disappoints you," Kyuubi sneered at him.

The conversation was over, and almost predictably, she faded away in a dissipating mist of crimson that stung the air faintly with a coppery scent, just like blood. Outrage and indignation plagued his thoughts, transforming his hands into trembling fists, but it was impossible to deny all the knowledge the demon fox had imparted onto him. Yes, there were a lot of things he did not believe in; however, the subject of trust made a great deal of good sense, and it was the only thing he really believed to be true.

Looking back over the past two weeks, Naruto realized he had not really done anything at all to earn Mana's trust, while he had selfishly placed all of his trust in her. She did not know the _real_ Uzumaki Naruto. He could not tell her the truth about herself yet, as there were still things he had to come to grips with about her himself, not to mention he felt it was too soon and too inappropriate to touch on such a sensitive topic. The question is just how was he supposed to talk to her now; hell, what should he talk about himself?

The character of Uzumaki Naruto --- Konoha's Number One Loudest, Unpredictable, Hyperactive _shinobi_ --- was a creation he had given birth to after five arduous years of work and training. Naruto wore _him_ like a second skin to the point where he had become this person, his idealized self: hot-blooded, good-hearted, and always ready for a fight despite the odds. However, with the gift of twenty-twenty hindsight, it was becoming obvious that he could not live up to this character.

So who was _this_ Uzumaki Naruto? What was it that made up the _real_ Uzumaki Naruto?

"_Anou sa_... Hey, Tatsumaki, do you mind listening to a story?" asked Naruto aloud.

Naturally, there was only silence, and the ambience of the night: rustling leaves from the thin canopy above created by the plentiful trees. The sky was thankfully black, the stars golden pinpricks in the black backdrop, but the moon was a boiling blood red, an evil eye that followed his every move. Yes, tonight was a good time as any for a fairy tale.

* * *

Some years ago there was a boy born in a village. To his name, he had no parents, no siblings, no siblings to speak of; an entirely new life, a clean slate born into the world after a great war that had claimed countless lives in the struggle amongst men. A penniless orphan, the village headman took this boy and sponsored him, as was natural with all other boys and girls without families. He was a good boy certainly, as all children are naturally born innocent, but alas, no home would take him and for years he would be shuffled from orphanage to orphanage, until the village council decided that he was to live alone.

The boy accepted his lot, thinking that perhaps living on his own would finally change things for the better. Growing up, he had noticed that he was treated differently from other boys and girls. The grown-ups always followed him with cold, accusing eyes as if he had done something wrong, and somehow, they had taught this bad feeling down to the children too. Whenever trouble arose, everyone always looked to him as the wrongdoer, though he had done no wrong. This was all very strange to the boy so he tried to ask:

Why?

It was the wrong question for it only drove them further away from him, and sometimes, to madness. When they were mad, they would curse him, chase him, and beat him until they were satisfied. It hurt, of course, and he quickly learned never to ask again. He never told anyone else about his ill-treatment, and he certainly never told anybody else that he had no friends. No matter how hard he tried, nobody would give him the time of day, and so he became the village outcast, a person that only existed in the shadows of others, never to see the light.

But one day, just like any other lonesome, bitter day, his fortune changed entirely when he met --- The Witch. Unlike the other adults, she treated him as if they were equals and invited him into her own home, a miracle that had never happened before ever. She had many things to ask him but most importantly what was his wish. Yes, she was a witch that granted wishes, all for a fair, equitable price, of course.

Together, they discovered that the boy wished to be acknowledged by people, that is to be loved, and for that dream he would risk it all. He was sick and tired of crying; he wanted to be strong; he wanted to change. It was an outrageous proposition but it was a wish the Witch could grant.

Time passed, and the boy found himself working for the Witch: strong he grew but not necessarily happier for he found much heartache too. He learned a great deal of many things about himself and of the village itself. There was a hidden history in the war that village had fought, a desperate battle against a demon that had cost the lives of countless warriors and the village's greatest hero. However, they had not been able to kill the demon; the best they could manage was to seal it away into the navel of a newborn baby.

This baby was none other than the boy, a grisly truth he had learned from a traitor of the village. He had watched the same treacherous man cut down perhaps the only person from the village who had cared about him, his teacher from the battle school, and had done nothing. Oh, the boy visited vengeance upon the traitor soon enough, but his teacher's death would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Why had he not acted? Why? Was it fear or was it --- resentment?

Many more adventures followed soon after, and the boy found himself one day in a foreign land where on the eve of a battle he began to question his very existence. He had found a "Home" with the Witch and her fairies, yet he was dissatisfied with the person he had become: lying, cheating, and manipulative. Had he lost sight of his purpose for which he had gained so much strength? Had he lost the meaning of what it is to be truly strong?

* * *

"And the million _yen_ question is, could you follow someone like that, Mana?" Naruto finished at last turning about to face his partner.

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the ethereal sight of her towering over him, drawing a girlish shriek from him as he metaphorically shrank to chibified proportions, huddling in awe and fear. Questions of how, when, and why shot through his frightened mind at a million kunai per minute. Little did he realize that he was receiving his first experience with an "ultra-rare super-_saikyou_!" feminine secret technique passed down from generation to generation, coded into the genetic information of all women. It was so powerful that all men had dubbed a certain killing technique that must not be named! Of course all the "shock and awe" lingo aside, the few brave men who managed to withstand such an assault had dubbed the deadly technique simply put:

"The Look."

It was hard to say how long this awkward staring contest of the feminine persuasion went on, all the while Naruto slowly succumbed into a broken, teary-eyed puppy "Arf...?" faced super deformed caricature of his former glorious self. He could imagine a positively evil smile behind Mana's stoic expression, her eyes shining like pinpricks in all consuming darkness emanated from her person. Fortunately, before his fragile mind decided to take a dive off into the cackling depths of the deep end, she addressed him at last with a ghost of a smile on her lips:

"So that's your story, huh?"

"Eh?" Whoa, I'm back to normal again! Creepy.

"You know, I think that's the most honest you've ever been with me, though trying to tell your lifestory like a fairy tale meant you had to cut corners here and there."

"_E-Etou_...was I really that obvious?"

"Transparent as glass."

"Ouch."

"But don't expect me to tell you more about myself than I already have, Uzumaki-_baka_," Mana winked at him slyly, drawing blood to his face faster than a heartbeat. "You're ten years too early to be getting a word out of me that easily."

Never one to back down from a challenge, Naruto made a mental note to add "Tatsumiya Mana" to his list of mysteries to uncover. However, business before pleasure goes the saying, and he was more worried about what she thought of him now, "Right, so..."

"I don't like it."

"HWEH-EHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?"

"And I still don't like you either."

"Th-That's ------- UO-oooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's so cruel, Tatsumaki! My heartfelt feelings...!"

"But congratulations: you pass."

He did what?

"Everything about you is different from _That Man_, the one I followed for so long and the one I'll still follow if --- no --- when he comes back to pick me up again, but I guess I can learn to get along with a hopeless case like you."

"M-Mana... Th-thank-!"

Mana exploded suddenly in a rage, her irises glowing red with molten fury, "_FUZAKKEN NA_! Don't. Thank me, you little s---. That kind of attitude really, really _pisses_. Me. Off."

"W-What..." Naruto stammered, his mind reeling from her sudden anger.

"_Omae_... You. Really. Are. The worst. _Kitsune_. _Devil_. No, the word that really suits you is _kage_, a shadow. You're strong, but at the same time, you're pitifully weak. A puppeteer who can only live by using others to achieve his own ends because even a villain like you has set conditions, set rules, and set prerequisites that chains your frightening power."

"O-Oi, T-Tatsumaki, wh-what are you...?"

"Don't you get it? You and Gatou-_yarou_ are the same kind of _animal_, Uzumaki-_baka_! The only difference is that you walk in the land of twilight: one foot in the sun and one foot in the darkness. You're no hero; you have already tasted from the bittersweet chalice of malice."

"Th-That's not true; I haven't..."

"_Liar_. Don't you think it's strange that you just sat there and watched your _Sensei_ die? You could've saved him; in fact, the normal reaction for anybody who has been alone as long as you have would be to save that precious person you finally found... Yet, you did nothing. I wonder why, Uzumaki-_baka_?"

Naruto blanched, the pupils in his horrified eyes dilating into tiny pinpricks. This --- all of this could not be true; he was not that kind of person! No.

"But you know what, _Aibou_? I think I'll follow you anyway," Mana told him plainly, offering her hand to him, "Just so I can be the first one to put a bullet between yours eyes when, inevitably, you betray yourself."

W-What?

"Come on, isn't this what you wanted? Us two --- partners in life and death? Besides, I think this could be a real learning experience for me: what makes a _devil_ tick? In fact, I'm actually quite interested in the _real _world you and Ichihara Yuuko live in, the rules you live by, and many other things."

My world?

"Who knows, maybe I'll even find the answers as to what brought me here and why everything that happened in my own world happened in the first place."

Your world?

"So what do you say? Sounds like a fair enough deal to me. I get to be your shadow, and you earn an ally who can walk in the sun, unlike you. Good, no?"

"Th-That's... That's ridiculous! Why would you want to follow a --- a bad guy like me?" Naruto snarled back at her. He was hurt, he was confused, and worse, he could not find it in his heart to defend himself at all. "If I'm so bad, why don't you just kill me now? Why go through with any of this?"

Mana smiled and yet it was not a smile at all; something feral that he had only seen in Kyuubi, and now for the first time, coming from... Argh, what was she to him now anyways? An enemy or the arm of justice sent here to punish him for his crimes?

"But killing you would be unforgivable, wouldn't it?"

"...What?"

"That's a rule in your and Ichihara's world, right?"

"But why would..."

"I could take a chance, but punishing you now wouldn't get me anywhere because the only road forwards lies with you, not to mention since I've become involved with you, I imagine the same rules apply to me too."

"There's no proof-!"

"There _is_ --- you. summoned. me. here," she answered his denial in clipped tones, as a second voice began to emerge in her own. And oh, the voice was far from gentle: stern, powerful, uncompromising, unforgiving, and unimaginably old; something that could not possibly be coming from the mouth of just an adolescent girl. In a way, it seemed as if Mana had become possessed herself.

But by what? What was this mysterious power?

"Therefore, you and I have become involved, so why not just formalize this whole process now? Take my hand, Uzumaki Naruto --- Prince of Shadows, and I'll become your sword. But be weary of me --- for I am a sword that slays evil, and **you **are no exceptions: _waga aruji_."

My Master.

Funny, the only other person who had ever addressed him like that was Shion. It was a terrible shame that she was not here by his side right now because if there was anyone he felt he could rely on, it was her. She could explain to him why Mana's irises had begun to glow with the colors of the rainbow, and why a white aura of energy that did not feel like chakra at all was radiating off her in trembling waves, sending the air whipping in a frenzy. Best of all, his precious friend could explain to him: why the hell he was going to sign a contract with an avenging angel from Buddha-knows-where who probably will turn on him some time in the future because he was obviously an evil bastard in the making.

Man, I'm so screwed up.

"Deal."

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 19 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	20. Chapter 20 Wave Arc ED

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 20:

It Gets Ugly

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"I could take a chance, but punishing you now wouldn't get me anywhere because the only road forwards lies with you, not to mention since I've become involved with you, I imagine the same rules apply to me too."

"There's no proof-!"

"There _is_ --- you. summoned. me. here," she answered his denial in clipped tones, as a second voice began to emerge in her own. And oh, the voice was far from gentle: stern, powerful, uncompromising, unforgiving, and unimaginably old; something that could not possibly be coming from the mouth of just an adolescent girl. In a way, it seemed as if Mana had become possessed herself.

But by what? What was this mysterious power?

"Therefore, you and I have become involved, so why not just formalize this whole process now? Take my hand, Uzumaki Naruto --- Prince of Shadows, and I'll become your sword. But be weary of me --- for I am a sword that slays evil, and **you **are no exceptions: _waga aruji_."

My Master.

Funny, the only other person who had ever addressed him like that was Shion. It was a terrible shame that she was not here by his side right now because if there was anyone he felt he could rely on, it was her. She could explain to him why Mana's irises had begun to glow with the colors of the rainbow, and why a white aura of energy that did not feel like chakra at all was radiating off her in trembling waves, sending the air whipping in a frenzy. Best of all, his precious friend could explain to him why the hell he was going to sign a contract with an avenging angel from Buddha-knows-where who probably will turn on him some time in the future because he was obviously an evil bastard in the making.

Man, I'm so screwed up.

"Deal."

* * *

"Wh-What are you two idiots doing? Heh-hehehhe...! I-I didn't hire you guys to p-p-play around," Gatou's cackling voice grated on their nerves through the radio. "Hey-Hey! Za-Zabuza, are you listening to me? Hah-hahahaha... Hey, Zabu-!"

Smash.

"What a creepy pig," remarked Zabuza, the acid inflection of contempt evident in his voice, as he lifted his foot off the shattered remains of the radio.

Never would he have imagined his distaste for Gatou could reach new heights of downright bitter hatred, the same hatred he had reserved once only for the decadent, stagnant fools that ran the Village of the Hidden Mist. Oh, he had wanted to kill their client before when the pompous jackass had come to gloat over his broken form, following the battle with the Leaf _genin_'s mysterious savior. The same killing intent had multiplied a thousand fold just a week ago when the fool had unexpectedly snapped into madness because it was the only explanation he had for the extravagant _excesses_ that had chilled him to the bone.

For six days and six nights, Gatou and his boys had indulged in perversions beyond all comprehension: pleasure, arrogance, and unspeakable sins. They had transformed the docks into a cesspool of corruption and insane revelry, as if the floodgates of depravation had been blasted open and all morality lost: blood sang, screams echoed, and ecstasy flowed through the craven streets. No sane soul dared draw near for craven madmen roamed the premises like packs of hyenas, their senses shot by a toxic cocktail of drugs, violence, and rapture, searching for the newest thrill to sate themselves.

All was provided for by Gatou and it was miracle in itself that he had not set his frenzied dogs loose on the town to annihilate everything in sight. Oh yes, as soon as this job was over, Zabuza would personally see to it that the pig be removed of his head and his vast assets. Those resources were much better put to use for the missing-_nin_'s private ambitions, namely the liberation of the Hidden Mist from the corrupt and the weak, and its glorious revival under his rule.

The grand bridge of the Wave Country was in sight now from their small boat, and so close it was to making landfall at last upon the Fire Country, bridging the way to tomorrow. He would have to see to the bridge's completion of course once he had seized power from Gatou for he might as well use this struggling country as his own power base to launch his bloody campaign into the Water Country. The path to glory now was open before him and all that stood between him as obstacles was one old fool, a bumbling Leaf _genin_, and perhaps, even that mysterious girl whom defeated him.

"Let's go, Haku."

"_Hai_, Zabuza-sama," the boy answered obediently, clad now in his hunter-_nin_ disguise.

Momochi Zabuza's ambition would not be stopped here!

* * *

As soon as he set foot on that bridge, Naruto knew something was up: the first breath of fresh air and the cool salty sea breeze. The sky was a clear blue and the sun shined brightly with rays of gold, though dark thunderclouds loomed over the horizon. Here was life in beauty and his spirit felt refreshed: gone was the darkness, the blood, and the nightmares.

Was this _hitsuzen_ or the power of the mirror playing God with him? After everything that has happened to him, he was ready to believe just about anything. Blowing up last night on Inari, when the kid had gone all "I'm the tragic victim here!", right after Tazuna had finished telling Kaiza's story at Mana's behest as she noted casually the odd family picture frame hanging on the wall. Of course, she had been the one to patch things up afterwards with Inari, remarkably enough, and Naruto had a feeling she had been meaning to ask for a while but could be bothered with until now.

Obviously, Mana had her own plans just in case his gambit did not work out, which was fine by him since he had no idea how long he was going to last once bad things started acting up. She sure as heck was not going to let him die either for a variety of reason, as it was in both of their best interests for him to survive --- for now. He could only hope the arcane seals that had appeared mysteriously on both of their right hands at the moment he had made their contract official by taking her hand was a good omen.

The funny thing is, Mana passed out right afterwards and had seemingly lost her memory of the past hour or so, as the seals disappeared as well. He had tried to fill her in about what happened but the girl had just waved it off, her internal clock reminding her apparently that now was dinner time and bade him to follow. Whatever strong reservations she had against him had simmered down considerably, and they once again returned to a somewhat friendly, professional relationship. It would be later down his illustrious career that Naruto would discover the reason behind her "bizzare" behavior to say the least.

"_Anou_ _sa_, Tazuna-san, we're having some beautiful weather, aren't we?" Naruto quipped genially, as he noted that the older man had stopped dead in his tracks just a few paces ahead of him. "The seagulls are crowing, the sun's shining, the sky's blue...and there's a huge wave of mist exploding outwards at the other end of the bridge hiding the construction cranes and everything fancy. Oh, and it's getting bigger and coming our way really fast too."

Tazuna exploded in outrage, "Th-Those _sonuva_-argh! And just when we were so super close too. Damn that Gatou; I bet he waitin' this long just so he could steal all of our hard work by killin' me and takin' control of the Wave Super Bridge for himself!"

"Whoa, you already thought of a name?"

"...Who cares about the name dammit, super brat! This is trouble; this is super trouble. Gatou must be usin' that super evil ninja assassin from before; that'd explain this unnatural mist. Argh, not good; super not good. They probably got my work crew over at the end as hostages too."

"Hostages? Dang...I guess I overlooked something after all, even though I've had a **week **to plan for this scenario."

Suddenly, the wind howled and a certain ill-feeling realization hit Naruto like a ton of bricks. His big mouth had just betrayed him and told his client something he was not supposed to have known. Oh dear, this was going to get ugly.

Tazuna blinked, "Wait, ya knew about this, kid? As in --- _you_ knew that there was gonna be an attack today?"

"Um, I didn't say anything..."

"_K-Kisama_!"

"W-Whoa, Tazuna-san, calm down; I'm fragile too, you know."

"Ya little punk, how long have ya been stabbin' me in the back? Was everything ya told me a big fat lie all along? Huh?HUH! Did ya come with me this morning just so ya could rub into my face?"

"Ugh, you know screaming and spitting in my face isn't going to change anything."

"Why? Why did ya do this to me? I trusted you! I --- I _believed _in you --- that you could save this country!"

"Man, this is exactly part of the reasons why I didn't tell you, and no, you're the one who's got it all wrong."

"What?"

"We still have a contract, Tazuna-san, and it is infinitely binding. I will save this country just like I originally agreed to do so. However, you never agreed to have any voice at all in my methods nor did you specify how I was to save it; therefore, I'm free to use my judgment as I see fit. For example, I decided that you didn't need to know that critical information I just revealed to you. Knowing the inevitable for certainty wouldn't have helped, and in your ignorance, wasn't the Wave Super Bridge project able to proceed smoothly?"

"Th-That's..."

"Put me down, Tazuna-san. Even I don't like the cold words coming out of my mouth. I read something about this once too, you know: _the ends justifies the means_. I never thought I'd come to use it myself, but I guess I'll have to leave it to history to judge my actions today."

"By the Wave, who are ya and what have ya done to Uzumaki Naruto?" Tazuna balked in shock, releasing his hold of the boy's jacket and back away quickly.

Naruto gave a helpless smile, chuckling mirthlessly as he shoved his hands into his pant pockets, "Who knows? I'm not even sure who this person standing here is right now, but he should be able to finish the job. **SQUAD**: Assemble!"

Time to get this party started.

* * *

The world transformed into a gray melancholy as he ran through the wisps of the cool mist, accompanied by Tazuna "to confront the villains of the day for great justice-_dattebayo_!". Somewhere beyond the veil of danger and death was the warmth and comfort of the sun he had missed for so long. Whether today would be the last time he got to see the sun he did not know, but considering he had the unfair advantage of the Kyuubi on his side, whatever happened it would not end well.

Could he really live up to Yuuko-san's expectation: not to kill?

...Wait a second, Yuuko-san's expectation? What! When had he...

The whistling thunk of a kunai piercing the pavement just two paces ahead of him shattered his thoughts aside and brought Naruto to a send screeching halt. Tazuna stopped as well, standing back roughly three paces behind him, his bespectacled gaze searching frantically for the unseen enemy. The mist was thick, cutting visibility down to roughly a radius of ten yards, but oddly it seemed to lifting now, revealing two figures standing just thirty yards away.

"That's far enough, Uzumaki-san," a familiar mellifluous voice barked at him, muffled to a ominous hiss by the odd mask hiding his face.

Naruto chuckled aloud with a foxy grin, "Well-well, whad'dya know? It's No-Eyebrows Freak and Girly White Boy, the Ambiguously Gay Duo: how goes the flower power, yo?"

Thwack!

"Ya freakin' super idiot!" Tazuna shrieked at him, brandishing his quivering fist threateningly. "What do ya think you're doing? Are ya tryin' to get us super killed in a flash by those two?"

The blonde-haired boy favored his aching head pitifully, while shooting back a teary-eyed glance at the older man, "_Ite_... That hurt, you know, Tazuna-san. 'sides, I was only trying to lighten the mood!"

Funny, how that monster, Zabuza, doesn't seem to have any of that evil karma I saw on him last time that paralyzed me completely. Is this another trick of the mirror? But why? Does it want a fair fight or something?

In the case of the said monster, Momichi Zabuza was actually a touch amused by the spectacle unfolding before him. Either this kid lived and died by bravado as part of his self-named reputation of "Konoha's Number One", or he had a death wish to try and provoke himself and Haku. On the other hand, the insult may just be a clever ploy of sorts for he could not sense any fear at all from the _genin_.

Perhaps, a test was in order before they really got down to business. The brat should feel privileged that Zabuza was going to spare some time to "play" with him, and once the runt was out of the way, the old men would fall next, and finally, if he managed to find _her_ still in this land, the accursed rainbow-eyed girl would die too. Now, let the fun...

Begin.

At a sharp mental command, six figures exploded outwards from the surrounding mist, striking at the boy and his client from all sides in a pincer attack. The great _zanbatou_ of the water clones gleamed murderously as they whistled through the air, intent on cleaving anything in their path in two, and an old fool and a fledgling _genin_ would be nothing against their fury. This fight was already over...

"_Naruto Ninpouchou - Ougi_ --- _ARU-PHA SPAAAAAAAAARRRRRR-KU_!"

In a sudden movement, chains of lightning exploded erratically from Naruto's outstretched fist that he shot upwards at the hidden sky. They weaved and moved with a life of their own, striking --- no --- drawn towards the blades of the water clones, whom were promptly burned to a crisp by the power of this new _raiton_ art. When there was only puddles of steam hissing in the pavement did the fury of the heavens abate and return to the boy's beckoning where a familiar handle remained clutched in his grasp.

"I see, so you have some bite to actually back up all that bark now, _kouzou_," remarked Zabuza blandly, as a crackling blade of electricity ignited from the hilt of the Raijin, "your control over the Nidaime Hokage's relic has improved over these past two weeks."

Naruto all too happy at the praise, though it came from an "enemy", powerposed with manly tears of pride streaming down his face, "Seriously, seriously-_dattebayo_? _Uooooooooo_, I just knew all that training would pay off finally, No Eyebrows-chan!"

"Scoundrel, how dare you still address Zabuza-sama with such insolence," barked Haku in cold indignation.

"Sheesh, that's an awful lot of respect for a murderer, Mr. _Boku_."

"Keh, _kisama_..."

"I've done a lot of thinking too, ya know? And for you to be able to follow a monster like that, well, you must be sick too, _ne?_"

"...What?"

"I finally realized it: the truth of the _shinobi_. A _shinobi_ is a tool for killing, a monster held at bay by the chains of mortality, and nurtured by the highest bidder. An ally of justice I am not; an accomplice of evil I am not; I am --- a monster, and for what reason I became one I can't even remember; my dream. Why did I seek out this terrible power..."

"A dream..."

"But, I made a promise: a contract that must be fulfilled absolutely. Stronger, stronger, and even stronger because I've begun to believe that I'm a monster more terrifying than you two can begin to imagine: a shadow that exists in each and every man, woman, and child. What I should use this strength for? What does it mean to be truly strong? You all are my tools and through you I'll find --- my _raison d'etre_."

The profound proclamation left an unspoken threat hanging in the air that immediately set the missing-_nin_ on edge. The drums of battle rumbled ominously, as murderous intent blossomed upon the bridge, a bowstring being drawn taut: ready to be loosed. Yet, Uzumaki Naruto was smiling serenely.

"But don't worry. Killing people isn't part of my job description; that right is reserved only for people who are prepared to be killed --- to take responsibility for their _sins_. And the ones who'll judge you are the people who've suffered for your ambitions!"

* * *

Haku barely had enough time to snap out of his own private stupor, mesmerized by the blonde-haired boy's rare eloquence. He could feel the stinging heat of the crackling yellow blade of lightning through his mask as he leapt back to evade the cutting stroke across his torso, but before he could retaliate the orange frenzy was streaking already in a different direction. A warning came to his lips and he cried out:

"Zabuza-sama, he's fast!"

Luminous trails of blue flames seemed to follow in his wake with each swift step, burning long enough to leave black skid lines into the pavement before dispersing. What manner of rapid movement Naruto had invented in just two weeks Haku could not begin to conceive; however, his panicked thoughts were focused upon the fact that the Konoha-_nin_ had set himself loose at his master. A flurry of angry slashes was sending Zabuza back in a hasty retreat, as if he had been surprised himself by the speed and ferocity of the bizarre _genin_.

Thoughts of saving his master --- his most precious person --- were dashed cruelly when with a shout, Naruto's chakra-fueled blade of lightning shot outwards like a lance and pierced the surprised _jounin_ straight through the heart. Haku stopped dead cold in shock, feelings of despair and hatred tearing his wailing heart in two. This could not be happening! This had to be some kind of sick joke. The fight had just begun and in a matter of minutes his master had fallen to a mere _genin_.

No...

No.

This has to be a lie!

"_Che_, did I put my hopes too high for a brat like you?" a familiar voice barked mirthlessly.

Za-Zabuza-sama! He was alive!

"A _mizu bunshin_, huh? Tsk, I figured this was too easy," Naruto grumbled as he turned away from the steaming puddle of water at his feet.

In the span of a few minutes, Zabuza had scored a decisive victory already by taking the old man hostage at knife point, as to be expected of the great man Haku swore to follow. However, something was wrong with the situation at hand: the Konoha _genin_ was not panicking at the crisis in his hands at all. Was it not his duty to protect Tazuna? How could he be so calm even when Zabuza could slit the man's throat at the slightest inkling?

"What's wrong, _chibi_? Scared?"

"Actually, I'm super-duper happy!"

Haku blanched underneath his mask, as he saw the blonde-haired boy whipped his free hand into a one-handed ram seal, "Zabuza-sama, it's a trap!"

"_Boom_."

The roaring heat of the explosion seared away the mist leaving hissing steam, as the violent shockwave whipped the air into a frenzy. Brilliant flame and acrid smoke blinded the senses to his seething ire. When the dust settled, those pangs of despair and hatred returned with a vengeance as all that was left standing was himself and that damned smiling fox. Thoughts of acting impulsively upon revenge were put on hold when the fox's smile drooped into a scowl, his line of sight drawn towards a silhouette materializing out of the dispersing smoke.

In the world of _shinobi_, miracles seemed to happen all the time. Scorched and battered but none the worse for wear was Zabuza, the Demon of the Hidden Mist, with the devil's own luck having miraculously survived the deadly explosion, his great sword held before him as if it were a shield. In fact, judging by the blast burns and soot, the _Kubikiri Houchou_ had been the one to bear the brunt of the deadly trap.

"Well, damn; this sucks-_dattebayo_," pouted Naruto, earning a snarl out of Haku as a plethora of _senbon_ seemingly appeared in his hands. "Seems like my _Ansatsu Bakahatsu Bunshin_ _no_ _Jutsu_ failed, geez."

He stood poised, ready to strike at a signal from Zabuza, but it seemed his master had other plans in mind, "Tch, tch! Not bad, not bad at all. You actually managed to deceive me, _chibi_."

"No duh: _Rule Number I-can't-friggin'-remember-right-now_ --- the Art of Deception kicks butt, yo. BE-lieve it!"

"Did you come up with that _jutsu_ in just two weeks too?"

"The power of ideas is a magical thing, No Eyebrows-_yarou_."

What?

What was this?

Why was Zabuza-sama and this knave bantering back and forth like co-workers?

Zabuza snorted derisively, "Alright, _chibi_, you've got my attention. So what's this _fun_ game you want us to play?"

"Whoa, that's a sudden change in attitude. What brought this on?" Naruto blubbered oh-so-innocently, his foxy smile returning once more.

"You; no duh. The stakes have risen higher and my hundred percent just got cut down to ninety-nine; a slim chance, but it shows that you've grown. Too bad you're too headstrong to be of any use to me."

"Great, so here's the game: the hostages have been rescued, took my shadow clones about a minute to wipe 'em all out, but the thing is, Tazuna-san is still somewhere here on this bridge."

"On top of the _ton_ of explosive _kagebunshin_ you have impersonating him and yourself, right?"

"It's not much of a penalty game, but at least it's fun. 'sides, I'm can't have him running away from where 'cause that would be an inconvenience to me."

"And what makes you think I'll play?"

"It sure as hell beats taking a risk by fighting me head-on; you said it yourself, your confidence took a pretty big hit, _ne_?"

Zabuza scowled before directing a knowing a gaze at Haku, "Crush this ant, absolutely. I'll go hunt down the old fool."

The command --- no --- the sentence had been given. To him, Zabuza was God and his word was law. Killing people was not something he enjoyed, but for the man who gave him purpose, a dream to follow, he would not --- could not afford to hesitate, especially not now against a foe who had nearly stolen his light twice.

Uzumaki Naruto shall die.

* * *

The wailing crackle followed by the clatter of metal let him know exactly what he needed to hear that his training had paid off, that those kung fu movies had not been lying, and it was possible to deflect projectiles with a sword. Of course, it helped that the Raijin's blade was a lot bigger than it looked, which helped make up for his lack of skill. Otherwise, he imagined taking seven _senbon_ to the face would have been quite --- unpleasant.

Well, at least this proves Haku isn't just for show, Naruto sighed inwardly, as he leveled the crackling blade of lightning at his poised foe. The chakra boost movement combined with keeping the Raijin ignited eats at my chakra a lot more than I expected. By my guess, I can last about ten to fifteen minutes. Gotta find a way to end this quick!

From a tactical standpoint, he had the advantage in close range with the Raijin at his command, and only a extraordinary taijutsu user would dare to close with him. If Haku decided to go for a _jutsu_ fight, then any advantage he had would be of no use against whatever firepower his opponent could muster. However, the _genin_ knew he would have to work carefully as the Raijin could easily flay flesh and bone at will, and far better than any ordinary sword could hope to achieve.

With his thoughts spent and his resolve gathered, Naruto bolted into the fray, a trail of blue flames leaping from his feet left by the chakra, as the racing wind sent his clothes and hair billowing backwards. The chakra powered lightning blade sizzled through the misty air, a distortion of hissing steam surrounding its length, in a wide horizontal slash. Gracefully, Haku pounced back in sharp contrast to his own blunt movements, but the clatter of _senbon_ accompanied by a hiss of pain, informed Naruto that his opponent had just learned his first lesson, much to his satisfaction. The Raijin did not have to score direct hit on its opponent to hurt because any form of metal acted a conducted its "influence" just as well.

Thinking he had the fight under control, the blonde-haired boy pressed his "advantage," lunging in with another flurry of strikes, probing at his opponent's defense and speed. Zabuza's subordinate was good to say the least. Clearly, Naruto's swordsmanship needed work as the kid seemed to be able to read his moves before as they came and then some: sidestepping a thrust, ducking beneath a cutting slash, and pouncing back from a backspin reprisal slash. The only thing that was stopping him from taking advantage of the openings no doubt in his poor swordsmanship was the huge "killzone" of the Raijin that forced Haku to keep a wide berth and the fact he could swing the near weightless lightning blade as effortlessly as a kunai.

Of course, in the heat battle, things could not go his way forever, and when the tide did turn, it seriously sucked. In a sudden movement, Haku pounced back far faster than he could have expected out of the guy in a neat black and brown blur, disappearing behind the veil of concealing mist. Naruto made to pursue but the whistle of approaching _senbon_ caught his ear and he whipped into the kunai holster at his thigh, throwing a bundle of explosive kunai blindly into the mist in the hopes of intercepting the projectiles and blowing the missing-_nin_'s cover.

A satisfying wall of flame greeted his squinting eyes a near heartbeat later, but over the thunderous roar he heard amazingly a voice cry out:

"_Hijutsu_ --- _Sensatsu Suishou_!"

To Naruto's awe, a literal wall of needles made from --- _ice_ --- ripped straight through the explosion with the intent of turning him into a human pincushion. It was only when his subconscious reminded him, helpfully, that being a human pincushion was not fun did he remember to defend himself:

"_Naruto Ninpouchou_:_ Ougi_ --- _ARU-PHA SPAAAAAAAAARRRRRR-KU_!"

Once more, chains of lighting exploded from the Raijin, acting as an improvised shield to intercept the oncoming ice needles. Alas, he did not foresee the bundle of explosive kunai coming right behind the wave needles through the settling flame, which his chains of lightning naturally leapt at will to strike drawn by the conductive nature of metal. The startling explosion at near pointblank rocked his world, consumed in smoke and fire, flinging him from his feet, and nearly jarring loose the Raijin from his grasp as well.

Unable to control his momentum, Naruto bounced off the unforgiving pavement and rolled into a heap. Pain and bewilderment was the order of the day as he struggled to regain his bearings in the disturbed hazy gloom of the mist. However, a sudden chill that cut straight to his courage brought the world into sharp focus when Haku shouted his death sentence:

"It's a shame, but your story ends here, Uzumaki Naruto. _Hijutsu_ --- _Makyou Hyou Shou_!"

The mist thickened and the temperature fell to near sub-zero levels as Naruto came to realize the trap that had been sprung upon him. Mirrors of ice surrounded him, caging him in a frosty hell where there was only himself stuck between a rock and a hard place while the masked boy presided over his coming execution. Haku was everywhere, his unnerving mask gazing balefully from the reflection of each and every mirror.

"And now, I shall show you my true speed!"

And then, it started to rain needles.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 20 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	21. Chapter 21 Vol1 NARUto ED

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Ore wa KAKOOI datteba yo_! _Ja ne_/ I am so COOL! Ain't I?

Chapter 21:

From Bad to Worse

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"_Naruto Ninpouchou_:_ Ougi_ --- _ARU-PHA SPAAAAAAAAARRRRRR-KU_!"

Once more, chains of lighting exploded from the Raijin, acting as an improvised shield to intercept the oncoming ice needles. Alas, he did not foresee the bundle of explosive kunai coming right behind the wave needles through the settling flame, which his chains of lightning naturally leapt at will to strike drawn by the conductive nature of metal. The startling explosion at near pointblank rocked his world, consumed in smoke and fire, flinging him from his feet, and nearly jarring loose the Raijin from his grasp as well.

Unable to control his momentum, Naruto bounced off the unforgiving pavement and rolled into a heap. Pain and bewilderment was the order of the day as he struggled to regain his bearings in the disturbed hazy gloom of the mist. However, a sudden chill that cut straight to his courage brought the world into sharp focus when Haku shouted his death sentence:

"It's a shame, but your story ends here, Uzumaki Naruto. _Hijutsu_ --- _Makyou Hyou Shou_!"

The mist thickened and the temperature fell to near sub-zero levels as Naruto came to realize the trap that had been sprung upon him. Mirrors of ice surrounded him, caging him in a frosty hell where there was only himself stuck between a rock and a hard place while the masked boy presided over his coming execution. Haku was everywhere, his unnerving mask gazing balefully from the reflection of each and every mirror.

"And now, I shall show you my true speed!"

And then, it started to rain needles.

* * *

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Good.

Just gotta keep breathing, and I'll figure some way out of this almost hopeless mess, Naruto reminded himself wryly between ragged breaths.

Even after all the ridiculous training he had done, which he imagined dramatically increased his chakra reserves, one fact had not changed: his chakra control still sucked and chakra was, ultimately, finite. Whatever the hell crazy technique Haku had going for him was way more efficient and powerful than the trash Naruto could muster, and quite frankly, the entire time he had been defending only. All defense and no offense equals: a very nasty situation wherefore the masked boy had reduced his chakra levels down to the red, judging by the occasional "hesitant" flicker in the Raijin's blade, and the fact he was getting --- tired.

Oh yeah, Naruto hated to admit it, but he was getting his butt handed to him by a "girly man" and only because the guy had better smoke-and-mirror tricks than him. Thanks to his stupid mirrors, which he apparently had the ability to phase in and out at inhuman speeds and direct all-range attacks from, Haku had systematically worn him down in a very patient game of "Hey! It's raining needles, yo!" Something had to give and it had to happen fast, in the hyperactive _genin_'s favor of course.

The question is: what were his options at this point of the game? Thanks to his priority on defense and "spamming" _Alpha Spark_ the entire time, he had managed to avoid taking any physical damage at all. Unfortunately, the reason "Alpha Spark" was "_Alpha_ Spark" was because he could not control it yet; therefore, it was actually a defensive _jutsu_ with close to zero offensive capability. He had a few other moves he could try but it would mean having to defeat these stupid ice mirrors first and getting Haku out into the open.

He could try using the Raijin's howl; however, Naruto had his own private reservations about using it, as that particular technique had grown exponentially stronger and presumably out of his control. Anything related to _kagebunshin_ was out because Haku would turn him into a porcupine before he had a chance to go through the hand seals, and even then, the shadow clones would be little better than meat shields. And no, he sure as hell was not going to make the blow up...

Wait a minute, he had two ways of detonating _kagebunshin_, did he not? He had a tried and true method for the high explosives technique, but he had also pulled off a smoke screen version before by --- well --- fluke, granted smoke bombs in this situation would be a whole lot cheaper.

Note to self: buy some smoke bombs when I get home, thought Naruto grudgingly.

Anyways, using the smoke _kagebunshin_ and chakra boost movement, he should be able to escape from the mirrors. After all, there was no way Haku could hit something he could not see, and it would probably take a great deal of effort to move these mirrors to catch Naruto again, right? Of course, this was a whole lot of wishful thinking, and now for the next problem.

How the hell was he going to perform the hand seals for _kagebunshin_ and figure out the smoke shadow clones on the fly when he needed one of his hands to continue shielding himself?

Damn, back to square one again...but judging by the roar of those explosions some ways off, at least No Eyebrows Freak is having some fun.

Suddenly, the rain of _senbon_ stopped, and to say Naruto was stunned would be an understatement, he was freaking confused. What the heck was Haku thinking? Was the sudden stop in the rain a feint designed for him to let his guard down long enough for the masked boy to sneak in a critical hit?

"Enough of that useless _jutsu_," Haku told him blandly over the constant chatter of crackling lightning. "I have seen enough, and it is clear as ice to me that you cannot hope to defeat me."

Sparks of anger threatened his cool, demanding swift vengeance upon the masked _nin_, but reason managed to prevail in the duel of contradictory wills. Naruto grinned, accenting the whisker marks on his cheeks that gave off an unsettling sinister air, as he cut off his _chakra_ to his shield, "Hey-hey, that's pretty harsh words coming from you, Mr. _Boku_. Couldn't you've at least tried a few euphemisms just to make it sound nicer?"

"I have little time to play games; however, I wish to speak with you for a little bit before we end this charade."

"Ow. So it's a game now, huh? Well: shoot-_dattebayo_."

"_Omae_... You... Do you have someone precious to you?

"Someone precious, huh? ...hmph, who knows?"

"Hm?"

"I think there are people I like but whether they're precious to me or not --- is a different story altogether. Hell, I think I've probably forgotten --- and in a way, I don't think I deserve to have precious people: a sinner like me."

"I see; in that case, you have never had a chance of defeating me in the beginning. When a person has something precious to protect that's when they can become truly strong."

Naruto's grin widened into a toothy smile, "Are you sure about that, Haku?"

"Absolutely," Haku's resolution boomed from the many mirrors simultaneously. "Becoming a true _shinobi_ is difficult for me. If possible, despite your insolence, I do not want to have to kill you, nor want you to have to kill me. But you have become an obstacle to me and _That Man_."

"_Che_..."

"I must destroy my kind heart with a terrible blade --- and become a true _shinobi_, a tool for murder just like you said. This bridge is the place where we fight to connect to our dreams. I, for my dream, and you, for your dream. Please, don't hate me. I want to protect someone precious to me, to work for that person, to fight for that person, and to make that person's dreams come true."

"Oh, really now?"

"_That_ is my dream. For that, I can become a _shinobi_: I will kill you, Uzumaki Naruto!"

"That's it?" Naruto spat on the ground, his blue eyes blazing in fury, "You wasted five minutes of my life just to pour out your _doubts _to me? _Weak_."

Though he wore a mask, there was no mistake that Haku flinched at the bitter sting of the _genin_'s words:

"Wh-What...what did you-?"

"You're no better than that sissy, crybaby Inari! _Che_, don't screw with me; I can't give two s---s for a _weakling_'s doubts: worthless _trash _that can only justify themselves in their own self-gratifying, masochistic misery. Hell, I'd say you're a f---ing pervert, clinging to life pitifully by someone else's boot leather."

"H-How...how dare you-!"

"I dare because I can still stand up on my own too feet. I know I'm lost right now, but even if none of this had ever happened to me --- Yuuko-san, _hitsuzen_, Shion, Maru and Moro, and Mana --- I believe I would've still plunged head on. I don't want to cry anymore. If people hate me, then I'll make them love me, acknowledge me for what I truly am. If there no heroes in this world, then I'd become a damned superhero-_dattebayo_!"

"Keh..."

"Heh, too bad that's a _dream_ for a different lifetime. I can't follow that path anymore, but even so, I won't cry, I won't give up, and I sure as hell am not going to lose to a pervert-_yarou_ like you. I still have things I need to do: so bring it on!"

Looking back at such a poignant declaration, it made perfect sense why _hitsuzen_ probably stepped in at that precise moment to totally make him look the part of the fool. Haku, apparently, did have a limited supply of _senbon_, but the ice needles formed from his own chakra were nearly infinite, and the ones that did not get vaporized by Naruto's "shield" melted on the pavement into puddles of water. Not looking where he was going, Konoha's Number One slipped and fell flat on his face, which was a good thing too...

Getting hit by a wall of lead, namely 7.62 x 51mm NATO, being spewed out from a linked trio of furious miniguns was not a good way to end the day.

* * *

Some minutes before his entire day went to hell, Momochi Zabuza had just been minding his own damned business, wondering if the bloody blonde-haired brat had tricked yet again. He had played the kid's game and tried to hunt down Tazuna, spending the better part of fifteen minutes dodging explosions and jumping at shadows to no avail. If the act here was meant to be a diversion, it had worked splendidly. The brat had likely not wanted to fight both him and Haku at once; hence, the ploy but he had to wonder...

Could the brat have been waiting for someone or something?

As soon as that thought came to mind, a black silhouette revealed itself amidst the mist. He was about sixty yards away from Haku's position, so it would be pointless to inform his subordinate of this sudden development. The question was: who was this person? A mercenary? Tazuna himself? A friend of the Uzumaki brat? Or was it that damned girl from two weeks ago sticking her nose where it did not belong again?

Alas, his hopes of fighting that girl again were dashed when the figure spoke, a young, cultured feminine voice, her tone strangely submissive as if she were a maid. Yes, she was completely different from the "gunslinger" who had been a beast of blood herself, but little did he know that fighting her would be just as bad:

"O honored guest, are you not the one they call Momochi Zabuza, the Demon of the Hidden Mist? He who was responsible for the slaughter of his entire _genin_ class that changed the Hidden Mist's academy, and ultimately, took it upon himself to change the Village of the Hidden Mist through a coup d'etat?"

Zabuza blinked, "Eh, what's this supposed to be? Some kind of interview, _Missy_?"

"Are you _he_ who has fallen from grace, stooping as low as to work for a parasite? Do you not understand that Tazuna-dono is the heart and spirit of this land, and the bridge he is building is this land's hope?"

"Hmph, do I look I care about little _details _like that? One death is a tragedy and a million lives is just a statistic, so what's one more going to hurt?"

"You are willing to sacrifice so much, just to advance your own ambitions?"

"Bah, spare me the useless talk. I'm fighting for my own ideals, and I'm not going to stop."

When he heard the whining shriek of machinery spinning up to speed, the _jounin_ instantly knew something bad was about to happen. Unfortunately, the mist served as his only cover but at the same time it was a hindrance for he could not gauge what sort of attack his opponent was going to make, nor could he get a proper estimation of the girl's capabilities. Surely, she had no intention of using ranged attacks against him when he could only make out a silhouette of herself, the same of which would apply to her hampered field of vision. The question is: should he make the first move now with what little initiative he had left or...

Alas, the girl made that decision for him.

"Understood, then your future is _death_. Type-ChaChaMaru/CCM Prototype D1, Code: SHION...battle mode program initializing. Range: thirty meters... Target confirmed: ID Momochi Zabuza, missing-_nin_, formerly of the Hidden Mist's Seven _Shinobi_ Swordsmen, threat level A-class...all weapons green. Commencing the termination of the target: _Engage_."

Suddenly, the shadow burst into motion, a blatant movement that his eyes caught easily driving his hands through a quick series of hand seals. He had discovered this _jutsu_ by mistake early on in his "illustrious" career when he had been attempting to produce large teams of _mizu_ _bunshin_ more efficiently to make up for their lack of power. Alas, he did not succeed but the venture was not a complete failure either because for the cost of chakra he would spend normally for a squad of water clones he could create a small army's worth of regular _bunshin _easy. They were throwaway toys perfect for feeling out an opponent's strength and tactics:

"_Tajuu_ _Bunshin_ _no_ _Jutsu_!"

On cue, a mass of _bunshin_ materialized upon the spot, masking his presence from his opponent. However, nothing in all of his years could have prepared him as an eerie electric buzz reached his sensitive ears, while he went through the motions of yet another _jutsu_. Intangible yet visible "threads of red" probed outwards from the silhouette's outstretched arm and from it came the _Wailing Doom_: light, flame, and death.

Transported high above by his instant body technique, he saw the mist disintegrate away from the girl's fury, much in the same fashion as his clones who fell like flies. His hands flowing through hand seals yet again, it was then Zabuza also noticed for the first time what she held: a trio of miniature "cannons" that were spinning rapidly, saturating the air with invisible "bullets" and visible brightly burning "bullets." A pile of empty "shells" had already accumulated in a matter of moments but most terrifying of all was the simple fact that she could handle such a weapon at all as the tremendous recoil and weight should have been beyond normal human limits.

Is she some kind of monster? Bah, no matter; she needs both of her hands to use those automatic cannons, thought Zabuza dismissively as he began to fall. And, look, she's already out of ammunition. _Perfect_.

_Whrrr_-click-click...!

"_Mizu Shunshin no Jutsu_!"

A back attack: simple yet elegant in its own right as a device to test an opponent's reflexes and speed, not to mention to weed out the weaklings from the strong...

WHOOSH.

The scream of metal protesting was both blessing and a curse: he had just met somebody who could fight back. Zabuza grunted as he followed through with the eviscerating slash that would have cut the wench in twine, but his eyes failed utterly to keep up with the girl's movement. A flash of neon green and black was all he saw for she abandoned the splitting cannons and spun into his weak side, whirling about as if in a dance, miraculously avoiding the empty shells on the pavement that could have fouled her graceful steps.

The humiliating kick to his backside nearly sent him toppling to ground but he held fast with a snarl, stumbling forwards as he spun about with a wild slash in reprisal. _Kubikiri Houchou _sang and met nothing but air, and for his troubles, he was offered a brief look at the girl's face, before her elbow smashed into his guts powerfully, sending a terrible shock rippling through him as he skidded back several yards. The concealing cowl fallen onto her shoulders, this "Shion" was young and pretty, her face fit for a princess, yet the telltale frilly white headpiece identified her as a maid of some sort. More strange, attached to the headpiece forming a headband of sorts were metal elfin-like antennae that sprouted outwards covering her ears.

Oh, and did he forget to mention she had matching neon green hair (which extended well past her shoulders though he could determine its true length thanks to that bloody black cloak of hers) and eyes? Just making sure he was not seeing things.

"_Ehe_-hehe, another pretty face to carve up, huh?" Zabuza coughed darkly, as he gathered his wits about him in the brief stand off. "First, it was that dark rainbow-eyed bitch, and now, I've got to deal with a high-class maid girl? _Che_, somebody somewhere must be having a good laugh at _my _expense."

The girl's pretty face expressed her displeasure at him openly in a frown, "It would be unwise to underestimate myself, Momochi-_dono_."

"Good manners and customs, huh? **Hah**! I'll admit that slick kick was pretty good but enough with the bluffs: you're finished, _girl_. Without that repeating cannon, your chances of beating me just went up in smoke."

"It is regrettable that this body is only a prototype, but the Professor and Assistant Scott have put their hearts and souls into making my --- no --- our distant dream a reality. Everything is riding on this battle and I will not cower in fear. I stand for Justice, and with the power of love and courage: _Evil_ shall not triumph!"

What a conceited child! He did not think there was anybody at all around these days could spout such a righteous litany without hesitation, her neon green eyes sparkling crystal clear. Well, it would make crushing her to dust all the more satisfying for this was reality and "justice" was nothing more but a convenient label for the ambitious to impose their will upon those weaker than themselves.

With a bombastic battle cry she charged at him headlong, her hair and cloak billowing in her furious wake. Perhaps, the girl was lacking in common sense, but at least she had plenty of guts to make up for it: charging a superior opponent head on? What a joke, as if she were actually stronger than him!

Pumping chakra into his legs for a mighty leap back to clear some room, Zabuza threw a volley of shuriken as a deadly diversion, his hands moving through hand seals. Aimed true, the shuriken whistled through the air, drawing not even a flinch from the girl to private chagrin. Not even bothering to slow down, her right arm shot out, twirling the folds of the cloak about her arm violently in sudden whiplash motion, before she batted aside the shuriken like they were toys.

Interesting, looks like that cloak is heavier than I thought, not to mention her reflexes, thought the _jounin_ with a scowl. "Let's see how you handle this: GO --- _Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu_!"

Coalescing out from the mist, five water clones in his likeness appeared to intercept the maid girl, yet undaunted she surged forwards with a courageous cry:

"_Amai_-_de arimasu_... Those kind of half-hearted attacks cannot stop me!"

The first _mizu_ _bunshin_ to reach her loosed a horizontal slash, intent on cutting her in two...

"_Musou Eiyuuryu_ - _Ougi_ --- _DYNAMIKU_ _KIIIIII_-_ICKU_!"

...but with simply inhuman grace, she reacted, leaping over the deadly arc into a fullfledged dragon kick to the face, cracking the water clone's neck painfully backwards. Instantly, the doppelganger exploded into water, splashing the pavement into a slick surface that would surely foul her landing as its partner came rushing in. The girl had to be daredevil for she slid into a reverse sweep kick, ducking underneath the turbulent slash that sent her hair billowing.

Her attack struck home, sending the water clone spinning about in mid-air with a helpless yelp whilst she continued sliding underneath him. He came crashing down a heartbeat later, splattering all over the pavement in a messy puddle of water, and the maid of justice had yet to stop. Rising out of her slide and throwing her momentum forwards, she pounced into a roll, shooting past the second duo of clones as the swung their blades. Rather comically, they ended up carving each other up instead in an effort to compensate for the greenish black blur.

Four down and one to go, and the last doppelganger thrust out his great sword boldly at her, hoping to stun her with the flat-head before cleaving her in twine. But she was faster, much faster than that pale imitation of Momochi Zabuza could ever hope to be at just one-tenth of his power, and she gracefully swayed aside, hammering into him with a clothesline. The pitiful clone was yanked clean off his feet, a pained gurgle escaping his throat before he smashed into the pavement, exploding into a pool of water.

"_DIE_!" a scream blasted her suddenly.

A flash of silver, gleaming like the sickle moon.

**Crunch**.

Zabuza stared, his jaw going slack...

...and he stared some more.

The pavement had cratered beneath her feet, cracks splintering outwards like spider webs. Every inch of her straining body trembled as she bared her teeth openly in a defiant snarl, the deadly edge of the _Kubikiri Houchou_ smiling at her face, hovering just inches away. Between her hands she had done the impossible, catching his _zanbatou_ by the flat of its blade, an act of martial prowess that was the stuff of fairy tales and here he was witnessing it come to life!

"I-I...to-told you...ugh, o-once be-fore," the girl growled tersely at him, "there's...o-only --- wha-what?"

It was hard to say what happened exactly, but he had seen something --- impossible --- reflected in the girl's quivering eyes. His mist had suddenly receded, and like glass shattering, the sky as he knew it had cracked, streams of infinite light and boundless darkness slipping through. An immense pressure was radiating from the sky, twisting and churning, as the cracks grew wider, and the unseen force literally began to rip off chunks from the bridge. A psychedelic kaleidoscope of colors exploded across the sky as the fissure in the fabric of reality grew and grew...

And then the most funny thing happened: his arms shattered.

Thud.

"A-A _Hyper Resonance Cascade_! Th-That's im-impossible, how... My Master...! I must...Naruto-sama..."

Damn, she's gone.

Why is...

...dark.

* * *

The answer to how and why things came to this moment completely failed to come to mind for he was again caught in an extraordinary situation that he had no control over, and worse, no hope of escaping. Naturally, the whole mess had just started a few minutes ago when the "gunfire" had died down, Naruto had kicked up to his feet to find that he was free of Haku's icy prison. He supposed he would have to thank Mana later for coming to his rescue but that could wait until later as he spotted his opponent slowly standing up with a noticeable limp in his normally graceful gait. Dazed and battered, Haku had avoided the worse of the barrage by some miracle, yet he had not escaped unscathed judging by the numerous nicks and cuts from near-fatal hits.

The kid was a mess and in no real condition to fight; however, this was not a fight: this was _war_. Looking back, it was an incredibly cruel thing for him to do, and just thinking about it made him sick, but Naruto swiftly pounced on the poor boy from behind. He was not going to take any chances, and if he was going to end this skirmish here decisively, no questions asked. What ensued here after was rather brutal beatdown: plain and simple, a gruesome feat his bloodied fists could attest. Hell, it was not even a fight really, with him straddling Haku, pummeling away at the defenseless kid, like a madman. The kid barely even managed to put up a fight, and at some point, the blonde-haired _nin_ imagined he must have shattered Haku's white almost porcelain-like mask too, but he did not stop.

Oh, no.

Something inside his head had snapped during that sudden grip of madness: the rush of power, the desire to dominate, and he literally saw red. Naruto did not stop; he went on and on and on, until the thing inside him was sated, and the results horrified him to say the least. What made him nearly puke was the fact that at some point his "mystic eyes" had regained their powers and were now showing him the "grim reality" of his actions: an angel with ash grey wings, his scattered feathers drifting through the air, and his dark hair billowing out like a funeral veil. The symbolism, the metaphors, the hundred of possible meanings screamed through his head at a million miles per minutes: Holy Zen! What have I done?

Naruto was getting out of here, he was running away, and he would have gotten away too, if it were not for the damned "angel", still clinging pitifully to life, grabbing his bloodied hand with his own pale sinuous hands. Just like that, a split-second of skin to skin contact, he was seemingly blessed by some higher power with a brief spark of clairvoyance long enough to know this poor sucker's life inside out: his likes, his dislikes, his aspirations, his whole pathethic sob story of his life, the next words that were going to come out of his mouth, and worse yet --- the damaned wish he was going to make. Oh yeah, to top it off, he was also going to totally disregard any hope of salvation even when it was biting him right where it hurts because he really was not alone as he thought he was...

...the pitiful ass had a sister he did not even know about!

The next second later, the words Naruto did not want to hear came out the big idiot's mouth:

"P-Pl...ease, k-kill me."

The phrase "Hell no, you freak!" was what he would have liked to say. In fact, he had instinctively torn Haku's hand away from his as if it were diseased, and was about let loose a string of curses when he suddenly everything had gone really quiet. The mist was gone. The blasted angst-ridden kid was gone. And from out of nowhere, **it** hit like a jackhammer...

**_KRAK_**.

Never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined that the human body could double as a porcelain doll; hell, he did even think the human body could crack open like glass! To the best of his knowledge, he was the only human being to ever experience this type of phenomenom, a notion that would eventually disproved over the years by other companions he met in his travels. Something --- specifically --- _somebody_ had so kindly shoved his straight through him, a strange black arm that seemed to attract light, glowing eerily, as visions of the distant cosmos unknown swirled freely within.

Clutched in the hand, whose fingers tips ended in sharp points liken to claws, was something even more amazing: a miniature golden star, blazing brightly with crimson flames, as it floated in a nexus of orbitting particles. The ethereal object was analogous to an atom by design, yet it was so much more; the truth, he would learn in years to come. He could have sworn he heard the Kyuubi screaming something at him in his head, but her voice was distant, faded, a buzzing sound akin to white nose.

All paled before the owner of the Black Hand himself. It was hard to say how big he was: he seemed to be everywhere and nowhere, all-encompassing and nothing at once; a living contradiction. If he could, Naruto would have tried to get a glimpse of the bugger but such intentions as he found himself face to face with a pair of massive blue eyes, the same shade as his own:

Glistening white teeth drawn back in a smile.

Mad tears of red.

A face.

Me.

His own voice beckoning...

"Finally... Finally...! After aeons of searching... The last **Original**..._mine_. **Kukukukuku**! No more a shadow, no more deathless, no more The-One-Who-Remembers; the end of Chaos; a return to the Origin...**Order**."

His own thoughts echoing...

Time flows backwards. It is no longer necessary for you to suffer. **You **shall return to nothing!

And then Naruto really did shatter...

...just like glass.

* * *

_Infinite time stopped beating its heart_,

_And humans burnt away without making any noise_.

_Not one person notices as the world becomes dislocated and is covered in the flames_...

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 21 in all of its glory and the end of Volume One. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	22. Chapter 22 ITLDE1 SOSdan OP

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 22:

I've got WHAT?

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

It was kind of hard to say where all of this began because "Life" for me just began like five minutes ago.

No, I am so not kidding.

Really.

For real.

Yes, and by Zen and Buddha, I swear I am the One and Only lucky sonuvagun to ever have the privilege of being "born" with a hot, neon green-haired, android cosplaying chick sleeping in my lap as soon as I woke up! Granted, it was a touch uncomfortable as I had lost all feeling in my legs from the lack of circulation, not to mention I had apparently been laid to rest in a partially elevated position. Then again, I imagine this _futon _was not exactly made to accommodate two people on top of which the chick was totally drooling all over my pajamas.

"Oh Y-E-A-H!" encouraged Mr. Satanic Kool-Aid Man on my left shoulder, at least that is what one side of me of thinking at the time.

The less perverted rational side of me was frothing mad at the mouth like a douchebag on cologne, "How GROSS! How INDECENT! UGH!"

Propriety, naturally, won over perversion and potential blackmail material if I had a digital camera on me. Alas, I had to settle for simply freaking out at the top of my lungs. One thing lead to another, a lot of awkwardness, screaming, blushing, freakin' out, some other tall, super total hottie lady barging in to save the day, which then leads to where I am at present seated at a humble dining table in this "dwelling's" equally modest dining room-kitchen combo place. The two strangers, whom I have never met before until today, seated across from me was Cosplay-chan, still red in the face and teary eyed (Buddha! That's _so_ cute!) but aiming not to pummel me to death with a pillow anymore, and the matriarch of the household, so I assumed since she took charge super fast, who was definitely One-Hundred-Twenty percent "_Yamato Nadeshiko _#1", no questions asked.

Not to mention, I thought her rather loose kimono top that bared her favorite Victoria's Secret bra of the day and ample bosom was totally hot. Oh, and never mind her hair was a mess, as if she had just woken up; that was sexy too.

Naturally, the black-haired beauty was also the first one to break the ice, "Well-well, you really never seem to cease making life interesting around here, Kyon-kun. What's this now --- the sixty-eighth time you've done this? _Hmmmm_, I've honestly lost count."

Whoa. Dark. Sexy. Seductive. Have I hit the jackpot of the Springtime of Youth or what? ...Too bad, she is probably way older than me. But, hey, a young guy has got to have dreams too, you know!

"So which personality is it this time, Shion-_nyoro_?"

Nyoron? ...Weird. Is that supposed to be cute? And sure enough, somebody thought it was "cute" in an embarrassing way I guess, as cosplay girl was blushing pretty red. Now _that_ was cute to me, and the way she stammered and blubbered defensively for her own sake was even cuter:

"Yuu-Yuuko-san! Please, th-that's-!"

"But it's so much fun to tease you, _Nyoro_-chan!"

"_Mou_, I knew putting you and Tsuruya-san in the same room was a big mistake..."

"_Fufufu_, so? What's the verdict?"

Wow, these two must sure get along well, like --- well --- sisters or something. There's an awful lot of names of flying around. Yuuko. Shion. Tsuruya. Kyon. I mean, just who are these people exactly? And what do they mean by "which personality is it this time"? Am I like in a shrink's office or what?

"Based on previous data, it would be logical to assume..."

"Ahhhh, but _assuming _isn't _logical _at all, is it?"

Ouch.

"...Yu-Yuu-_Yuuko_-san! That was mean-_de arimasu_!" Shion cried out, her trembling eyes watering visibly with tears.

I was kind of getting tired of the ladies dragging their feet at this point, even though it was awfully cute, so I figured I would speak up and let my voice be heard as well:

"Excuse me, but --- uhh, what's going on here? Who are y'all? 'cause I certainly haven't met you lovely ladies before until just, well, this morning."

"_Oooooo_, that definitely has to be '_Type_ _Ero-seishun_'," Yuuko remarked, a wry sparkle in her brownish irises.

Type Perverted-Youth? Have I been found out already? Although that it is a pretty good description of my priorities so to speak. Hey, if it is beautiful and female, I feel I naturally have the right to voice my opinion on the subject matter and flatter her righteously before asking for her number. Get my drift?

"_Hai_, Yuuko-san."

"Umm, yeah...hehehhe. So?"

"Well, young man, let me answer your question with another question, and before you protest, here me out because I promise it will become very clear to you shortly: _who _are you and what is _your _name?"

Oh, that is so totally an easy question! Why my handsome self was put on this earth as a gift to all womankind for am I none other than...

"That's easy, I'm the Great..."

I am...

Oh hell...

It was right about then that the truth hit me with a ton of bricks.

"Scratch that, I think I just peed my pants. _Excuse me_."

* * *

One embarrassing bath, change of clothes, and clean up later, I finally managed to get my handsome self back in the game. T'was hard to say what the ladies thought of me at this point, though judging by their casual reactions, this sort of thing was astonishingly normal to them. In fact, adding in the hints they were dropping in their earlier conversation at the table, they probably knew what my reaction was going to be too...

Dang.

Anyways, I sat down and sure enough, they broke it down to me nice and simple. I figured I was a simple kind of guy so it was all fine and dandy, right? Cool.

The name is Kyon (a nickname): age sixteen, male (obviously), parents alive and well, but currently under the guardianship of one, Ichihara Yuuko (an assumed name, apparently), for the past three years. I have recently graduated from my old junior high school and will be attending North High school this beautiful April; in fact, the entrance ceremony and the official commencement of classes was tomorrow. Of course, there was nothing to fear because my childhood friend, Shion (full name not applicable), was attending as well, not to mention she too had been living in the same household with me for the past three years in order to help with my "Therapy."

Yes, that is right: I am a bonafide badass psycho! Though, I cannot actually say that aloud because that would hurt Shion's feelings, since I am not really psychotic, but I think it would be cooler to use the word "psychotic" versus --- well --- I dunno --- traumatized or something. After all, I seriously do have a super whack mental disease of sorts.

In the three years she has been "studying-treating" me, she never really came up with a good name for my condition, as it was literally the first of its kind. My disorder itself is a relation of the Fugue State where the recipient has "one or more episodes of amnesia in which the inability to recall some or all of one's past and either the loss of one's identity or the formation of a new identity occur with sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home." Also: "similar to dissociative amnesia, the Fugue State usually affects personal memories from the past, rather than encyclopedic or abstract knowledge." But "unlike a dissociative identity disorder, a fugue is usually considered to be a malingering disorder, resolving to remove the "experiencer" from responsibility for their actions, or from situations imposed upon them by others."

Now, normally most fugues last for hours or days and disappear on their own, resulting in the "afflictee" regaining most or all of their prior memories, and thus, leading them to reassume their "original" identity. My case is a whole lot more royally jacked up. Why?

Because I have never had a _recovery_, period.

My condition is chronic, persistent, and worse yet, fickle. Keywords, bold attempts to otherwise uncover my true self, or simply the inevitable passage of time can trigger a "regression" reaction that will automatically reset my personality and set me back to square one with a new identity to boot. Naturally, this makes my treatment an extremely delicate process that has been going on for some three years now, and the only saving grace I have out of all of this is that for whatever reasons I always come back to Yuuko's mansion. In fact, when I first "disappeared" three years ago from my neighborhood in Tokyo, I turned up right on her doorstep here in Nishinomiya.

It was to my good fortune that Yuuko turned out to be a self-employed _yorozuya_ (or jack-of-all-trades) of genius proportions. She was the one to first identify my symptoms and return me back to my family (free of charge as a first time service). My folks, obviously, were super grateful she got me back safe and sound, and offered to "study-treat" me as I had apparently caught her interest for a "fair price," of course. Pops and mom refused thinking I was perfectly fine as my first personality was apparently pretty close to the original me, but things went south of the border pretty quick from there, and before I knew it (duh!) three years had gone by and here I am today.

"Wait, where does Shion-chan fit into all of this and why can't she say her full name?" I asked aloud on a whim, as my mind began to digest this compressed version of my "history."

The girl in question blushed visibly at the remark and avoided my gaze like the plague. She looked pretty darn cute fidgeting in her seat across the table, trying to disappear for one reason or another. I wonder if the affectionate honorific I attached to her name was a bit much? Nah.

"Why Shion-_nyanko _happens to be a key to solving the mystery behind your condition, " Yuuko answered me plainly, sharing a catty smile at the blushing girl. "After all, _she _was there when you went '_crazy_' three years ago, so it's only natural I brought her along too. Of course, her presence is also a double-edged sword, as she can trigger a relapse too, if you two aren't careful."

"Okay... And her parents are cool with her living away from them just like this? A guy and a girl livin' under the same roof with a bombshell of an older woman: sounds kind of kinky, if you know what I mean."

Oh yeah, I could see Shion blushing even harder. Dang, she's cute!

"_Fufufu_, your two families happen to be rather _close _next door neighbors, Kyon-kun, if you know what _I_ mean."

Okay, Yuuko is giving me kind of a sly look, winking at me in fact. There must be some kind of secret message she was hinting at but what could it be?

"Besides, you should be eternally grateful to her; she's been by your side through thick and thin in the last three years. Ahhhh, the power of LO-!"

Well, needless to say, my "landlady" never quite got to finish her sentence as my childhood friend promptly pounced on her in a teary-eyed neon green blur, tackling her out of her chair. The waterworks bursting from her eyes like waterfalls, she then proceeded to shake Yuuko back and forth, while straddling her no less, screaming almost unintelligibly at the top of her lungs. Why almost unintelligibly? Because the only thing I understood was that she was calling Yuuko an "Idiot" repeatedly while crying hysterically.

Yeah...

Looks like I have a pretty darn interesting "Life" ahead of me, and little did I know, it was about to get even more interesting.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 22 and the start of something new for Volume 2 in all of its glory. Yes, I have also made a huge switch to First Person narration in homage to a certain anime/novel (the reference should be pretty obvious by the numerous hints in the chapter). Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	23. Chapter 23

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaku Naruto

Chapter 23:

High School Life? Welcome to the Melancholy, yo!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Besides, you should be eternally grateful to her; she's been by your side through thick and thin in the last three years. Ahhhh, the power of LO-!"

Well, needless to say, my "landlady" never quite got to finish her sentence as my childhood friend promptly pounced on her in a teary-eyed neon green blur, tackling her out of her chair. The waterworks bursting from her eyes like waterfalls, she then proceeded to shake Yuuko back and forth, while straddling her no less, screaming almost unintelligibly at the top of her lungs. Why almost unintelligibly? Because the only thing I understood was that she was calling Yuuko an "Idiot" repeatedly while crying hysterically.

Yeah...

Looks like I have a pretty darn interesting "Life" ahead of me, and little did I know, it was about to get even more interesting.

* * *

I expected the walk to school the next day to be pretty --- routine, I guess. Taking in the sights and sounds along the way, Nishinomiya City turns out to be a bustling city of its own, not as busy as Tokyo but we were pretty well off. The things to note around here was Koushien Stadium, home of the famed Hanshin Tigers baseball team, and of course, we got Kwansei Gakuin University, a private university founded by American missionaries in the nineteenth century. Other than those two big landmarks of sorts, the only other thing really worth of note was that we are a prefecture in the Kansai region, so most folks around here speak a little bit differently than folks from Tokyo.

"_Ne_, Kyon-kun, when did you stop believing in Santa Claus?" Shion asked me innocently from out of the blue. I gotta say she looks damned fine in our school's sailor uniform, though I wonder why she's still wearing her "Android Cosplay headband"?

Eh, whatever. Those metallic "rabbit ear" antennas that slipped over her ears was cute too, so who am I to complain?

"Hmm, Santa Claus, huh?"

Now, I suppose most people would come out with an answer pretty quick, and I am not one much for philosophy. Thing is, with my handsome mind still digesting all the info from yesterday about me (though I would not be surprised if there was a whole lot more to me than the ladies had let on), I decided to give Shion's question some thought. After all, this could be a test of some sort or a part of my "Therapy" to help maintain my sanity or whatever.

Santa Claus.

After spending some minutes gathering my thoughts together, I decided to give her the lowdown on my thoughts. I think I can confidently say I have never believed in Santa, ever. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the guy in the red coat who crashed my preschool Christmas party was a fake, and now that I think about it, all the other kids shared the same disbelieving looks watching my homeroom teacher pretend to be Old Saint Nick. For Buddha's sake, the guy was not even fat enough to fill out his costume! Besides, do you not think it is suspicious that there exists an old man who worked only on Christmas Eve? Just thinking of all the financial repercussions and...

The adorable sound of Shion giggling at my expense stopped my rant in mid-flight.

"What's so funny?"

"_Ara_, I'm sorry, but this feels just like _deja vu_."

"Dijeh-say-what? As in the mobile suit Amuro Ray used in Zeta Gundam?"

"No, no; _deja vu_: the feeling that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously."

I gave Shion a weird look. Was she really serious about this?

"Huh? What's so familiar about this conversation?"

Her response was to smile benignly at me before launching a new question at me.

"Here's some food for thought: do you believe that aliens, time-travelers, ghosts, espers, or --- _monsters_ --- exist in this world?"

Now, what kind of a preposterous question was that? Of course, they are not real!

"But, before you answer that just think, Kyon-kun, wouldn't the world be so much more fun?"

With those words said, and her long luxurious neon green hair fluttering in a sudden breeze, it came to my mind that Shion may just be a whole lot more than she let on herself. If my suspicions proved to be unfound, well, at least she was certainly a strange girl. Err, make that a **beautiful**, strange girl!

I wonder what she would look like in a maid outfit? Hmmm, somehow I get the feeling that would really suit her well...

* * *

North High sat right on top of a pretty high hill, and so even during the spring, student would become hot and sweaty just from climbing the steep road. I guess my notions of "going to school leisurely" were pretty far-fetched, but hey, if I could spend every morning in the company of a pretty gal like Shion, who was I to complain? Despite my condition, I resolved to enjoy my life simply and not worry too much about uncovering my past, considering Yuuko and Shion were going to be with me every step of the way on that bizarre adventure down memory lane.

Anyhow, the school entrance ceremony was a pretty big drag. I was expecting something more motivating, if you know what I mean, but all we did was just sit there and listen to the principal and a bunch of other old fogies give us a sermon. On the bright side, everyone else seemed to have that hopeful "new beginnings" look on their face, not to mention quite a few people were either openly acknowledging me, not to mention the girls were stealing secretive glances at my handsome self.

Oh yeah, blonde hair and blue eyes? I got it made because everybody knows blondes have more fun.

With the ceremony over, I was regrettably informed that Shion and I must part ways for we were not in the same class, much to my private ire. The uncertain sensation of separation anxiety gripped me, but my childhood friend was quick to assure me that she was right next door anyway in the 1-4 classroom. Buddha forbid anything should happen, she would be right there to get me out of a pinch fast. Of course, I still did not want to part with her company, but reluctantly I complied nevertheless and headed out to class 1-5, along side my not-so-willing new classmates, I imagine.

My homeroom teacher was this fella by the name of Okabe-sensei (first name inapplicable). He was a resident PE teacher, on top of which he was also the managing teacher for the handball team, a sport that apparently he very much loved. Why? Because the guy would not stop talking about handball for like --- _ages_ --- all the while using his totally insincere "practiced like my life depended on it in front of a mirror" smile that made me want to gag. I privately murmured up a prayer when the girly jock finally shut his yap, and blurted the unthinkable out:

"Now, let's introduce ourselves!"

Shock.

I should have seen this coming. Sure enough, an overwhelming sense of doom complete with black clouds and squiggly lines of depression began to hover over my head, as my classmates rose up to the occasion. Naturally, a lot of folks bumbled their way through, though some people had some pretty interesting self-introductions, while others told some lame jokes that totally lowered the classroom's temperature to subzero degrees. My turn was approaching, and I still had not come up with a good way to explain myself without pulling lies straight out from my ass, so what was a joe to do? I was desperate! And when you are desperate, I figured there was nothing else left for me to lose, so I did the only thing that came to mind.

I shot up out of my seat, leapt onto my desk like a hooligan, and powerposed...

"Hey, hey, hey! Finally, finally, my time has come to take the scene, the moment y'all been waiting for-yo! Courage --- Youth --- Power --- **Explosion**! The Springtime of Youth is upon us, my friends! Hand to hand or Fist to Fist! Apocalyptic beat downs, behold! My defenses are impregnable; my style is impetuous; and if it's too much, I beg for mercy when I feel the heat! I. Am. The Number-One Hyperactive --- Time-Traveling --- Eternal --- Ninja --- Superhero..."

Looking back, I must have lost my mind when I blurted that intro aloud.

"...KYON-sama!"

And as an afterthought seemingly, I added:

"My talents are athletics, martial arts, drama, cooking, calligraphy, tea ceremony, flower arranging, and gardening. My favorite food is a meal prepared with love! I dislike evil-doers in general. I totally dig chicks, training, reading, studying and having a good ol' time. Can't remember what my big dream was, but I hope we can all get along just fine nonetheless. I'm sixteen years old, single, and perfectly in the running for a girl to call '_Sweetheart_', so if you need a date to the next school dance or festival: call me, yo!"

With my peace said, I settled back in my seat and waited for something to happen. I waited and I waited some more. It was about around that time that I realized I had literally been closing my eyes shut in anticipation of sorts, and when I opened them, well, the reaction was --- unexpected. Apparently, nobody was paying attention to me at all, instead their focus was upon...

Whoa, what's this _heat_ I feel from my back?

...the girl sitting behind me. I turned about in my seat, and I dunno if it was my eyes playing tricks on me or what, but you could see these distorting waves of heat just rolling off her body, as if some kind of internal flame was burning hotter inside her body. Maybe it was the hot spring weather showing us an illusion; however, I was dead certain that those almost golden, brown eyes were staring right at me.

She had long and slender dark brown hair. Her cute face was filled with daring and challenge, as the whole classroom stared at her, and her seriousness and determination shone through her glinting eyes and long eyebrows, with the force of the shining sun. Her small lips were tightly pursed, and the words "pretty," "super cute," and "beautiful" instantly popped into my hot-blooded mind as she rose out of her seat, never breaking eye contact with me or losing the ridiculous special effects.

"My name is Suzumiya Haruhi. I graduated from East Junior High," she announced to the class in a crisp voice, though I could feel her intent was clearly set on me.

In fact, her intent was such that it sent an electrifying buzz down my spine, awakening my primal animalistic instincts from their long slumber. What was this uneasy feeling supposed to mean? Fear? The feeling prey feels in the presence of a predator?

"Normal humans don't interest me. If anyone here is an alien, time-traveler, slider, or an esper, then come find me! That is all."

Upon hearing those words, my jaw neatly dropped in a neat expression of "What. The. F---?" Haruhi, with her provocative eyes, did not pay the slightest heed to the rest of the class; her sole attention was for me alone, and I could instantly detect the sharp sting of disapproval she shot at me through her glare. I took it that she was not pleased by me gawking at her, which elicited a rare blush of embarrassment out of my self, as I shut my yap, watching her sit down without so much as a smile.

Sheesh, what was her problem? Was she trying to be a drama queen or something?

Even though, Haruhi was still glaring at me; I figured it would be best to gauge the reaction around me before deciding how I should proceed with her. Judging from the many confused and astonished faces, I deduced that a lot of folks had a ton of question marks filling their heads up to the brim, and had no clue as what they should do in such a rare situation. "Should I laugh?" was a good question, but I would not have done that because it was just plain rude.

Either way, I had a pretty good hunch Haruhi was not trying to be dramatic or funny; she was serious in good will of that solemn face she had on.

In fact, I cannot remember a time that Suzumiya Haruhi was not serious. This is all based on hindsight too, ladies and gentlemen, so I can't be wrong! Anyways, after the fairies of silence danced the monkey for some odd seconds, Okabe-sensei reluctantly wired up the next soul in line to continue, and the somewhat --- _tense_ --- atmosphere lifted. It was with great difficulty that I managed to pull my attention away from Haruhi because even with my back turned I could still feel her seething glare biting into my back.

Ouch.

Yup, this is how we met. Shocking, to say the least. I really wish that this was all just a case of coincidence, or a 2d6 slip up of God playing Dungeons and Dragons on a table top board with the Devil as the Dungeon Master. Not to mention, I was praying really hard that I was not the idiot who had set off the dominos of misfortune in the case of:

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi.

Alas, the truth was something even more unsettling.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 23 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. And don't sweat the confusion, the answers to y'all questions should come --- eventually.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	24. Chapter 24

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaku Naruto

Chapter 24:

School Days, yo!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Ouch.

Yup, this is how we met. Shocking, to say the least. I really wish that this was all just a case of coincidence, or a 2d6 slip up of God playing Dungeons and Dragons on a table top board with the Devil as the Dungeon Master. Not to mention, I was praying really hard that I was not the idiot who had set off the dominos of misfortune in the case of:

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi.

Alas, the truth was something even more unsettling.

* * *

After she grabbed everyone's attention on the first day (and completely overshadowed me no less, not that I am pissed off about it --- really...), Suzumiya Haruhi reverted to being an innocent high school girl. I should have known it was all a feint of course, the inevitable calm before the storm! However, I was in denial at the time, and I desperately wanted to believe that the persistent glare that seemed to follow me everywhere was just my hyperactive imagination, and not really the newly christened bane of my existence observing me.

Unfortunately, it was all wishful thinking.

I tried to distract myself from her nevertheless by opening up my eyes and ears and taking in all things around me, though I found my endeavors shortly straying back to --- _that girl_. As it turns out, everybody in North High came from one of the four junior high schools in the city --- namely, the kids with average grades. This, of course, included East Junior High; therefore, there should be people in my class who graduated with --- err --- _that girl_, who knew what her apparent calm symbolized. The thing is, since life for me just started about four days ago, the chances of me knowing anybody at all in the school, much less an East Junior High alumni, was virtually zero.

By some stroke of luck, I apparently was not meant to be alone for long. As it turns out, I really did have a friend of sorts back from my old junior high, Kunikida, who seemed to have been cursed and/or blessed with a girly face. Go figure.

More importantly, in tow with him was a guy by the name of Taniguchi, an East Junior High graduate, who might as well have been cut from the same cloth as me. The difference is, Taniguchi seriously, seriously needed to get his hormones under control, not to mention his lack of delicacy. It would take a miracle for him to get a girlfriend, judging by the fact he completely, utterly hit the roof when a blushing Shion showed up at lunchtime. She had packed me a _bento_ and had forgotten to give it to me this morning in all the excitement, which prompted my friend-of-sorts to beg her to grace her presence with us at lunchtime from henceforth.

I was tempted to shoot him down, as a sudden feeling of protectiveness over came me, but then I thought better and realized that for the sake of the overall female population in the school, it was best to agree with Taniguchi in my own way. Hey, I was not going to appreciate him flirting shamelessly with Shion every day right in my face; however, a guy like him without an object idolatry he could pay his respects to was super dangerous. Using this somewhat underhanded method, at least I could keep an eye on him and keep the sonuvagun in line.

Sorry, Shion-chan, I promise to be the best Kyon-kun to you ever. Your noble sacrifice shall not be in vain!

Still, with these contacts in place, I suppose I should have at least discussed with them about Haruhi first before actually making the first move on her. Oh yeah, I actually made the big, big, big, big, big mistake of trying to talk to Suzumiya Haruhi! You see, when Haruhi is alone, sitting quietly at her seat, she looks just like a normal, cute high school girl. I was lulled into complacency by this smokescreen effect, deceived I tell you, and I planned to park my handsome self right in her firing line to get close to her; someone please beat some sense into me!

Ugh.

Of course, I started the conversation with an airy smile all over my face, confident that I would emerge unscathed and absolutely victorious:

"Hey, hey! The stuff you said the other day in your intro, were you for real there, Suzumiya-kun?"

I should have known something was wrong the moment a fiery wave of --- apathy seared my smile off my face into a sheepish grin, as if I had done something wrong by just talking to her. With her arms crossed over her bosom, lips sealed together, Suzumiya Haruhi stood her ground, then glared right into my eyes. She really, really did not like me, apparently.

"What '_stuff in my intro_'?"

"Ya know, the aliens and stuff-_dattebayo_."

"Are you a real blue-eyed blonde?"

What kind of a question was that?

"Of course, it's all natural!"

She looked super scary serious.

"Are you an alien?"

"Huh? As in unregistered alien?"

If anything, she was getting more scary.

"Are you _really_ a time-traveler?"

"Well...I could be. Life kinda just did-"

"If you are **not**, then what do you want?"

"...Um, err, nothin', I guess."

"Then don't talk to me! You are just wasting my time."

Her frost glare was so cold that I found myself reeling back with a "sorry" before I even realized. Apparently satisfied by her work, Suzumiya Haruhi then removed her glare from me disdainfully, and started to frown at the blackboard. Sheesh, what was her problem? I was only trying to be --- I dunno --- nice, I guess. But as I sulked back into my desk, I noticed something rather queer. A few folks were looking at me with an expression of great interest on their faces, others shared feeble knowing looks, and some even nodded to me with sympathy.

Strange.

* * *

A forgettable week passed by in a blink of an eye, and I kept my distance relatively far from Haruhi having earned her significant ire. I was pretty bummed out that I had been rejected so badly, but hey, there were plenty of other fish in the see, so no worries there. Besides, I had other things on my mind, namely: myself. I was expecting Yuuko and Shion to restart my therapy right away in some drastic, dramatic fashion, but none of that happened at all. Dejected, I ended up just dragging a blushing Shion along with me to an amusement park on the Sunday before school on a whim as penance for feeding her to Taniguchi.

We had a pretty good time, I guess, and some folks honestly thought we were a couple --- that is, a cosplay couple. I dunno which character I was supposed to be but a ton of passing fanboys and fangirls remarked that Shion's performance as Karakuri Chachamaru was perfect. A long photo-op later, we finally managed to escape the paparazzi so to speak, and head on home. Overall, I would say my childhood friend was in good spirits, despite her rampant awkwardness and blushing for most of the outing.

Anyways, Monday rolled around soon enough, and I was surprised to see there were still foolhardy folks trying to talk with the eyebrow-locking, scowling-mouth Suzumiya Haruhi. Then again, most of these people were those fussy girls: the second they see that a fellow female is becoming isolated they try to be kind and help the girl. Common sense and intelligence is not particularly high amongst their species, so I was not surprised. Of course, I usually find myself consoling them afterwards anyways to see if I could maybe get a phone number out of the cute ones, or at least boost my seemingly nonexistent popularity.

"Oh Y-E-A-H!" encouraged Mr. Satanic Kool-Aid Man on my left shoulder. He and I were like best buds, yo.

Oh, and Ladies, please don't be sad; you did not say anything wrong. The problem lies in Suzumiya Haruhi's brain, not you. At this point in time, I had more or less given up on her when the very subject of "The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi" came up yet again at lunch time that following Monday. And guess who brought up the subject?

Taniguchi, that low-skilled, no talent, wannabe-casanova (though his information gathering skills were simply impeccable), spoke up oh-so innocently as we ate, "Did you try to talk to Suzumiya?"

I nearly choked on a tasty morsel, earning an alarmed look from Shion sitting across from me. Grudgingly, I gulped the knot down and nodded irritably to the East Junior High graduate.

"Hehe, and then she said some weird stuff and you didn't know how to react, right?"

"Your point?"

Like a proud rooster, Taniguchi grinned like a smug cat to my growing ire and replied in a knowing pompous voice:

"If that girl is interested in you, she wouldn't say weird stuff like that, man. Kyon, all I can advise you is to give up! You should know by now that she's not normal."

Thank you very much, O Master of the Obvious Taniguchi. We should all feel blessed you were put on this earth to spread your words of mediocrity. Thank you!

"I was in her class three years in a row; I _know_ how she is."

"Really, Taniguchi-kun?" Shion piped in, a touch of wonder in her voice.

Oh, how that bastard Taniguchi was not deserving in the least to be in her angelic presence!

"Why, of course, Shion-sama! Suzumiya always does incredibly baffling things. I thought she would at least try to control herself after she going into senior high; alas, she hasn't. Have you heard about her infamous introduction speech?"

"Well, a couple of the girls in my class, One-Four, were..."

"You mean the alien stuff?" Kunikida of Girly Face had butted in, having just finished off a tasty morsel of his fried fish.

"Yeah, that stuff. Back in junior high, she always said did lots of crazy stuff. Heck, this one time there was a school vandalization incident!"

"What happened?"

"You know that thing where you use plaster dust to draw lines on the soccer field, right? Can't remember what it's called, but anyway, Suzumiya sneaked into school one night, and with that thing, drew a huge, huge symbol smack dab in the middle of the field. Isn't that something?"

Mischief and glee lit up Taniguchi's face like a Christmas Tree. He must have been enjoying the memory of the incident. As for me, I kept my reservations to myself and kept on listening, though I would have loved to wipe that stupid smug look off his face for some odd reason.

"That was totally shocking! I went to school early that morning, and all I saw were big circles and triangles; couldn't figure out where they were supposed to be, so I went up to the fourth floor for a better look. Ehehe, that didn't help either... I still don't know what that symbol was."

"Ah, I think I remember it now. Didn't the newspaper say the symbol looked like a broken Nazca pictogram?" said Kunikida.

A sudden look of inspiration promptly dawned on Shion as well at the mention of the newspaper, "Oh, I remember too. The headline read '_Mystery Vandal Strikes Junior High at Night_,' isn't that right?"

"That's correct, Shion-sama! And guess who pulled off that stunt?"

"_Ara-ara_, it was Suzumiya-san, wasn't it?"

"Heck yeah! She admitted to it herself, and the faculty had a field day with her afterwards, asking all sorts of questions."

"But why did she do it, Taniguichi-kun?"

"Eheheh, sorry; don't know," Taniguchi answered regrettably, as he rubbed his chin. "Although..."

"Yes?"

"I heard she refused to say anything. Of course, when you're getting the Legendary Suzumiya Glare of Doom, you tend to turn tail and cut-and-run pretty fast. Gossip has it she drew the symbol to call out to UFOs, a magical symbol to summon monsters, a portal to another world, etc... There's plenty of speculation out there, but for better or worse, it remains a mystery til this day."

With Taniguichi's tale settling into my thoughts, I felt I was beginning to understand Suzumiya Haruhi a little bit better. You could say she was kind of a sober, tragic character in her own way, sorta like Don Quixote. Still, one big question remains: why was she trying so hard to find these extraordinary things did not exist? Everybody knows those sort of things only happen in an anime or manga. Was this Suzumiya's way of trying to escape the ordinariness of reality?

"But she is super popular with the guys!" our resident gossiper exploded suddenly in a fit of excitement.

I guess, my contemplations would have to wait until later, as I found myself listening to Taniguchi yet again. Like I said before, he was an amateur perv-casanova, but at least his info-gathering skills came in handy. Besides, I was interested to hear what my peers thought of the bizarre Suzumiya Haruhi.

"She's cute, athletic, and smart. Even though she's weird, as long as she does not open her mouth, she's actually not bad."

Shion, needless to say, was a touch offended by Taniguchi's rudeness, as she leveled a killer "disappointed" look at the poor guy, "_Mou_, that's not very nice, Taniguchi-kun."

No way this guy was ever going to get a girlfriend.

"Ah-! S-S-Sorry, Shion-sama."

Then again, some control freak girl might just take a shine to him. I felt it was time for me to rejoin the conversation once more, "_Oi_, Tani-kun, where do you learn all of this gossip from anyway?"

"Oh ho! You see, there was a time where Suzumiya switched boyfriends non-stop, man. The longest guy she had last a week; the shortest one ended five minutes after the confession. Heck, the only reason she gave for dumping those poor slobs was '_I don't have time to socialize with normal humans_.' Talk about brutal!"

For some reason, I got the feeling Taniguichi was speaking from experience. Do not ask me why; it was a gut feeling I had, and after he noticed my stare, he became a bit flustered. It was frankly all the evidence I needed to convict him of being of one Suzumiya's ex-suitors in my book.

"I heard it from other people! Honest, Kyon-kun! For some reason, she wouldn't turn down a confession. By the third year, everyone understood; so no one wanted to confess to her anymore. My guts tell me that history will repeat itself once more for our next three years together, so I am warning you now, as your good friend: give up. This is coming from someone who was in the same class as her."

The conspiratory glare Taniguchi shot at me abruptly caught me off guard to say the least. A flustered blush rose to my cheeks and I prepared to defend myself, if anybody dared to capitalize on my weakness. Then again, it was probably unnecessary as Taniguchi soon set his empty _bento_ aside, and let out a sinister **giggle** that instantly caught everybody's attention.

I had the distinctive sinking feeling he was about to say something utterly dastardly.

"If I had to choose one, I would choose her, Asakura Ryoko!"

Taniguchi inclined his chin towards a group of girls a few desks away. In the middle of the conversing huddle of femininity, with a rosy smile on her face, was none other than Asakura Ryoko. It was the first time, I ever saw her, and her presence alone was enough to mystify me. How was it possible a bonafide casanova like me had a let a --- a --- Queen like her slip right underneath my nose? Unbelievable!

"Hehe, judging from my analysis, she definitely enters the 'Top Three Cutest First Year Girls' list!"

"W-Whoa, hold up, Tani-kun. You have --- _every _single first year girl in this school checked out?"

"Heck yes, my man! What do you take me for, an amatuer, Kyon-kun?"

Scary... Oh snap! Shion is looking none too happy at the turn in conversation; I'd better get this over with quick.

"I group girls into A to D categories and, believe me, I only remember the names of the A girls. You only get to go through high school life once --- hehe, I want mine to be as happy as possible."

"W-Well, Taniguchi-_kun_," Shion bit out tersely, letting us all know there was a proud female amongst our circle as well. I sensed a great deal of pain and suffering imminent for my info-rat. Oh yeah, lots of pain... "Is Asakura Ryoko-san an A then?"

"AH-HA! Better than that, Shion-chan! She is AA+, a one of kind! Come on, just look at her face; her personality must be first class-"

Snatch.

"_Ta-ni-gu-chi-kun_!"

"Uwah-owowowowowow-! My ear. Shi-Shi-Shion-chan, hold up! You're an A class...owowowowowoowow."

Well ignoring the fun-filled spectacled of Shion disciplining the hell out of Taniguchi, I was darn certain at this point that Asakura Ryoko was quite a different species of cute girl than Suzumiya Haruhi. She was very pretty; perhaps, I dare say a genuine '_Yamato Nadeshiko Joshi Kousei_'(Ideal Japanese High School Girl) in the flesh. Her long blue hair came all the way down to the hemline of her _seifuku_'s skirt, and she had matching blue eyes to boot. The somewhat pale shade the coloration shared under direct sunlight inclined me to think they were closer to cornflower blue or denim blue than ordinary blue, though.

From what I could gather, she had an ever-present attentive demeanor about her that gave off a smile-like caring impression. Her personality did seem to match Taniguchi's hopes too for these days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruhi anymore, except for Asakura Ryoko. No matter how harsh her disdain was, Asakura still tried to talk to the bizarre girl from time to time. She was so passionate that she acted just like how a class representative should...

To top it off, she always answered the teachers' questions in class correctly, so you could tell she was a smart cookie. Therefore, she was probably a model student in their eyes. With all these attractive qualities, it was only natural she was extremely popular with boys and girls alike. The term had only been going on for a week and then some, and she was already well on her way to being the center of the universe amongst the first year students. It was as though she had fallen from the starry heavens, an angel, and had been born with extreme attraction in mind!

Compared to Suzumiya Haruhi, the almost always scowling, science fiction-mania _otaku_-girl: the choice was obvious. Then again, I imagined these two girls were way out of Taniguchi's league. No way was he going to be able to climb the stairway to Heaven (or Hell?) for either of them. In fact, I think most guys around here would not be able to make the cut either for there could be only **one** man for the job! Hehehehehehhe...

Of course, it was about then that a certain diabolical scheme began to rise from the orange depths of my handsomely wicked intellect. Oh yeah, hehehe, I was going to be the Number One Most Popular Guy in school when all was said and done, or I was going to be the Number One Most Surprising Public Enemy in school. Either way, I was going to be Number One and everybody would know the name of...

...KYON-sama!

Little did I know, I was about to embark on my second biggest mistake to date, and my first clue to the grand drama of the world I thought I knew well enough, so ordinary --- and yet --- it was way beyond my expectations in reality.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 24 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Trust me, it gets better and better from here on out.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	25. Chapter 25

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 25:

Drama, yo --- Drama!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Well ignoring the fun-filled spectacled of Shion disciplining the hell out of Taniguchi, I was darn certain at this point that Asakura Ryoko was quite a different species of cute girl than Suzumiya Haruhi. She was very pretty; perhaps, I dare say a genuine '_Yamato Nadeshiko Joshi Kousei_'(Ideal Japanese High School Girl) in the flesh. Her long blue hair came all the way down to the hemline of her _seifuku_'s skirt, and she had matching blue eyes to boot. The somewhat pale shade the coloration shared under direct sunlight inclined me to think they were closer to cornflower blue or denim blue than ordinary blue, though.

From what I could gather, she had an ever-present solicitous demeanor about her that gave off a smile-like caring impression. Her personality did seem to match Taniguchi's hopes too for these days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruhi anymore, except for Asakura Ryoko. No matter how harsh her disdain was, Asakura still tried to talk to the bizarre girl from time to time. She was so passionate that she acted just like how a class representative should...

To top it off, she always answered the teachers' questions in class correctly, so you could tell she was a smart cookie. Therefore, she was probably a model student in their eyes. With all these attractive qualities, it was only natural she was extremely popular with boys and girls alike. The term had only been going on for a week and then some, and she was already well on her way to being the center of the universe amongst the first year students. It was as though she had fallen from the starry heavens, an angel, and had been born with extreme attraction in mind!

Compared to Suzumiya Haruhi, the almost always scowling, science fiction-mania _otaku_-girl: the choice was obvious. Then again, I imagined these two girls were way out of Taniguchi's league. No way was he going to be able to climb the stairway to Heaven (or Hell?) for either of them. In fact, I think most guys around here would not be able to make the cut either for there could be only **one** man for the job! Hehehehehehhe...

Of course, it was about then that a certain diabolical scheme began to rise from the orange depths of my handsomely wicked intellect. Oh yeah, hehehe, I was going to be the Number One Most Popular Guy in school when all was said and done, or I was going to be the Number One Most Surprising Public Enemy in school. Either way, I was going to be Number One and everybody would know the name of...

...KYON-sama!

Little did I know, I was about to embark on my second biggest mistake to date, and my first clue to the grand drama of the world I thought I knew well enough, so ordinary --- and yet --- it was way beyond my expectations in reality.

* * *

"_Ara_, you have clean up duty today, Naru?" Shion asked me out of the blue, when we met up in the bustling hallway filled with our peers leaving for the day.

Between the two of us, I would say that I was the one more surprised if anything by her reaction. It was about the end of April then, and I still had not made much real progress about my own "forgotten" life. Understandably, I was not actively pursuing the venture as I thrown my energies elsewhere, namely "Operation Number One!". I had spent the better part of the month observing the magnanimous Asakura Ryoko: her quirks, her habits, her likes and dislikes, and anything else I could use to my advantage. Needless to say, I was kind of disturbed to find that I really did not have to study her at all.

If I had gone straight to any high school drama _shoujo _or _shounen _manga, I could have learned all I needed to know about her in a few hours than the month it took me to "get-to-know" her so to speak. Asakura Ryoko was the genuine "Goddess-like _Iincho_ (Class Representative)" stereotype adored by all; the perfection to which she played out her role should have earned her an Oscar for supporting actress easily. She was well on her way to earning a position on the Student Council too, I bet, once the elections start. However, the fact she was a flawless stereotype, the stuff of fantasy (which would explain her ridiculous popularity at this point as literally everybody in the first year knew her at this point, and her name had begun to spread higher too), lead me to discover a rather nasty possibility.

What if --- Buddha forbid --- Asakura Ryoko, the extreme archetype of perfection, was in truth somebody royally screwed up? It would make "perfect" sense, like a kind of karmic balance. If such was the case, did I still really want to get to know her? I did not have a clue what her personal life was like, and would it not be better just to let sleeping dogs lie?

With dark thoughts plaguing my mind, I nevertheless planned out my "confession" to the letter, taking into account as many variables as humanly possible while scripting out my scenario. According to the class roster, you see, we had an odd number of students and Asakura Ryoko was right at the head of the long line, and with the start of the term, had been the first along with another girl to take up the dreaded duty of "afterschool clean up." I intended to exploit this system because it turns out I was right at the end of the long line myself; therefore, Student Number Thirty-One would have to be paired with Student Number One.

How convenient, eh? God must truly favor such a handsome guy like myself! Though I find it odd I could not even read my own name; it literally was a strange blur right in front of my eyes, and yet I knew it had to be me... Weird, huh?

I wonder if the distortion I saw was a hallucination of some sort.

Now, I had not joined any clubs yet, so I ended up walking home every day with Shion after school. Little did I know at the time she had become the idol of "The Society for the Study of Modern Costumed Fashion" club ever since our outing to the amusement park. It would explain the near constant presence of paparazzi I seemed to notice whenever I am around her, later. Thank Buddha, they at least had the common sense to stay away from us when we got home.

Of course, I am talking from hindsight here, so it would be a while yet until I noticed "the problem", which I would attempt to remedy post-haste.

Anyways, back to the present...

Surprise.

I did not what to think at that moment when Shion blurted out that single sentence to me. Her expression was the look of someone who realized they had done something unforgivable, yet I could see the flicker of satisfaction in her neon green eyes, as she smiled sadly, "Ah, I'm sorry-_de arimasu_. It seems that --- I've broken a **rule**, Kyon-kun."

I stared stupefied at her.

"Shi-Shion-chan...?"

"I wanted you to be able to enjoy this all just a little longer: the sense of _normality_. What it would have been like to be born in an ordinary world as an ordinary boy, going to school, making friends, experience life, falling in love, falling out of love..."

Okay, this is some seriously crazy talk coming from Shion. It's like her personality suddenly did a complete 180-degree roundabout, and in her place was somebody far older than your average sixteen year old teenager! Who are you and what have you done to my Shion-chan, dammit? How can addressing me as "Naru" be such a big world changing event?

"But, from here on out, _everything _will change. This World will begin to unravel, and no matter how badly you inevitably fight to remain here: you and I are but _torches_."

What the hell? We are _torches_? The world is going to come apart? What is going on here? And how come nobody is noticing this conversation at all? Everybody is just walking by like everything is perfectly normal, even though we are standing right in the sea of traffic where anybody can hear us.

"Ephemeral."

Short-lived?

With that last word ringing in my mind, I blinked, rubbing my throbbing temple in confusion, and when I made to make eye contact with Shion again, she was gone. In the distant flowing crowd, I think I glimpsed a touch of neon green and silver that must have been her leaving the premises. I wanted to follow her, to ask her many questions; maybe this would mark the beginning of discovering myself.

However, before I could even move: someone else just so happened to stop me.

"Ah, Kyon-kun, I was just looking for you," Asakura Ryoko chirped pleasantly beside me.

"A-Asakura-san?"

Damn. Any other time and I would be plain happy to have her attention, but now was just a plain bad time.

"It seems I caught you in just the nick of time. I was a touch worried you might skip out on your after school duties and leave everything to little me to clean up."

"Wha-what? Me? Skip out, Asakura-san?"

"Why, yes; you do have quite the reputation for being a delinquent, Kyon-kun."

What the hell? ME? A delinquent? Whose the wise guy who has been spreading rumors like that about me, dammit?

Asakura must have seen my jaw drop in shock for her own serene expression deflated with a touch of doubt, "Don't tell me you weren't aware?"

"Umm..."

"Oh, never mind; I'm certain this will be a good experience to clean up your act."

It was in this confounded state of mind that I reluctantly did as I was told and followed the blue-haired broad as she bid me back into our empty classroom to wait out the crowds. If I was sane at the time and the spirit of "The Springtime of Youth" were with me, I might have realized this would have been the perfect opportunity to execute my grand master scheme of wooing Asakura Ryoko. Instead, I found myself engaged in an one-sided staring contest with the object of my would-be affections, who was blissfully humming aloud as she gazed out the window.

Looking back, everything would have been just fine if things had gone on like this, but sure enough, Asakura turned around with the ever-present smile of hers and _noticed _something about me:

"_Ara_? My, that's unusual for a delinquent."

"What the-? Hey, I'm not a delinquent!" I fired back, as my hand rose instinctively to my face to prop up my...

"_Fufu_, glasses?"

...**glasses**.

"Is this your way improving your image by providing a contradiction, Kyon-kun?"

I froze, literally, as if all my synapses had stopped firing at once, bringing my body to a crashing fifty-car-plus-an-exploding-oil-tanker-pile-up halt.

"Hmm, I suppose they do suit you after a fashion. After all, the eyes are said to symbolize omniscience; the faculty of intuitive vision; spiritual perception; illumination; and of course, intellectual intuition. It is with the aid of our eyes that human beings exercise judgment, but to wear glasses --- would that not mean your own senses betray you? How can you see the flies in your eyes when you have flies in your eyes, Kyon-kun?"

Asakura's word set something off; a fire inside sparking alive. Hatred beyond black, an intoxicating miasma of red flooding my veins: a sensation unlike anything I had ever felt before in my short life over came me. Oh, but it was not hate for the smiling girl; it was hate for --- myself.

**Crack**.

The next thing I knew, I saw Asakura gasping in shock, rearing back as if she had just crossed paths with a wild beast. Pain pricked my writhing senses, and I glanced down to my hand...

My glasses.

Crushed.

A mangled caricature of glass and plastic buried into my tender flesh.

But, more importantly...

...there was no blood.

"K-Kyon-kun? Why..." a distant voice asked me, but I paid it no heed.

With terrified fascination, I tossed the refuse aside, not caring where it went, my attentions solely on the remaining shards of glass still embedded in my hand. The pain had not gone away, and I could still feel it, like a nest of angry maggots writhing out of my wounds. Something horrible was happening here; I was sure of it, but to run away from the truth right in front of me...

...was not something...

"_Kyaaaa_-! K-Ky-Kyon-kun, stop it! We should go to-"

Pluck.

Clink.

Pluck.

Clink.

Pluck.

Clink.

I probably should have stopped after I pulled out the third shard of glass, but I just could not stop. There was no blood, no tissue, no muscles, no bone at all; just a black void, empty, and hollow. It was as if my skin was nothing more but a container.

When I looked up to meet the stunned face of Asakura Ryoko, it was all the proof I needed that my world had drastically changed in a heartbeat. Hovering before her forehead, almost transparent, was a glowing icon, shaped like a disc with a pair of axles protruding from the sides. Inscribed into its center were the words...

"WIZARD

Ryoko

Asakura

Ver.1.1.7"

...now, I was no genius, but did that sound an awful lot like a computer program? Now, I was not seeing "0s and 1s" flying all about the air just yet, so my present reality could not be some sort of computer simulation. So if that particular crushing reality had not dawned on me, what was Asakura Ryoko supposed to be? Sure enough, a sudden epiphany struck me then, as if someone were feeding the concepts straight to me, and the words that I scarcely understood began to flow out of my mouth:

"_Ne-ne_, Asakura-san, have you ever been surprised?"

The blue-haired beauty gaped at me, edging ever so subtly towards the doorway, "E-Excuse me?"

"And I really mean --- _surprised_ --- the kind that's supposed to only happen in a movie: dramatic, unexpected, and earth shattering. Ever had one of those?"

"W-Wh-why, of course not, K-Kyon-kun!"

"Well, here's something for to be afraid of, and it's not me either."

"What?" Asakura choked when I moved to cover her escape.

"What if I told you that you're not _human_, Ryoko-chan? That really, you're just the One-Hundred-Seventeenth _copy_ of the original Asakura Ryoko, refined and reprocessed until you reached your present _version_ --- One-point-One-Seven. Ryoko-117, an artificial human --- a '_humanoid interface_' created by your masters, an extraterrestrial entity beyond comprehension, to provide a means of interacting with _humans_."

"K-Kyon-kun...!"

"How is the Intergrated Data Entity feeling this afternoon? Pleasant, I hope?"

With those words said, a wave nausea struck me down to my knees: a world bending distortion of sickly red and black accompanied by sparkling splotches of miasma. I looked up in time just to see Asakura towering over me with that "serene" smile on her pretty face and a combat knife I had never seen before in her hand. Cold fear wrenched my spine clean out of my back in an instant, as I found myself staring at beautiful death in the face.

I was so screwed. If I somehow managed to survive this, I was so gonna beat the crap out of the moron who puts those condemning words in my mouth in the first place! Hell, I should blame myself for ever getting the crazy idea to hook up with Asakura Ryoko in the first place, as the said psychotic ET-artificial girl was about to stab me in the face.

Gah, how could today get any worse?

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 25 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	26. Chapter 26

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 26:

The Doomsday Clock, yo!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"How is the Integrated Data Entity feeling this afternoon? Pleasant, I hope?"

With those words said, a wave nausea struck me down to my knees: a world bending distortion of sickly red and black accompanied by sparkling splotches of miasma. I looked up in time just to see Asakura towering over me with that "serene" smile on her pretty face and a combat knife I had never seen before in her hand. Cold fear wrenched my spine clean out of my back in an instant, as I found myself staring at beautiful death in the face.

I was so screwed. If I somehow managed to survive this, I was so gonna beat the crap out of the moron who puts those condemning words in my mouth in the first place! Hell, I should blame myself for ever getting the crazy idea to hook up with Asakura Ryoko in the first place, as the said psychotic ET-artificial girl was about to stab me in the face.

Gah, how could today get any worse?

* * *

Instead of getting brutally murdered on the spot, I was in for something my own imagination completely failed to hypothesize as a possible outcome.

Asakura Ryoko _exploded _into gales of laughter, her combat knife clattering forgotten onto the floor. Tears were streaming from her eyes nonstop, as she leaned on a nearby desk for support, her quivering knees threatening to buckle right underneath her quaking weight. It was amazing to think nobody had taken notice of this peculiar scene yet, considering it was completely out of her character; that is, the "Goddess-type Class Rep" was not supposed to burst out into full blown guffaws, though psychotic tendencies was a possible perk and/or defect depending on how you roll your dice.

"Ahahaha-ha! O-Oh dear! O-Oh my, hah! This was not supposed to happen at all, ahahahha!" Ryoko cried out hysterically. "Th-the Scen-nario never-ahahhahahah!"

The scenario? What?

"A-Asakura-san?" I asked her warily, backing away just a bit. It did not seem like she was going to kill me anymore, but as a precaution, I felt it would be a pretty damned good idea to put some distance between myself and her, subtly, before standing up again.

"Oohh! To think you know my real nature, hahahah! The, ahaha, Scenario --- bro-broken! Unthinkable!"

Oh, geez; this is crazy. I should run away now while I have the chance. Whatever words I said must have --- wait a second, did she just confirm...?

"Wooooohhh! And I've been trying so hard to hide iiiiiiiiii-it, _gao_!"

Holy Zen.

She really **is** some kind of "Alien-Program Entity" thingie!

"Hehehe, I was going to kill you, eventually... To be able to observe at last the next stage of quantum data evolution when Suzumiya Haruhi reacts to your death, ahahha!"

"Wha-whoa! Hold up, you were planning to kill me all along?"

"Yes! But isn't this wonderful? A result not predicted by the Integrated Data Entity's Multi-Vector Wavefunction Resonator! Unprecedented; beautiful... Oh, Kyon-kun!"

Before I knew it, Asakura had swept me up into a monstrous bear hug, snuggling up with my as if I were her favorite teddy bear. Under ordinary circumstances, I imagine many guys would kill to be her teddy bear, but at present, I could feel my "bones" protesting beneath her affections. The alien girl was insanely strong, contrary to her appearance; just her bare hands alone would have been enough to turn me into a blood pulp.

By some miracle, I managed to force out a sentence between my choking lungs to put some sense back into her, "A-Asa-kura-san...argh...you're bre-breaking me!"

"Oh dear!" she relaxed her embrace, "I'm so sorry, really! Humans are so fragile, and perhaps, no more than you, the Chosen One: the one man Suzumiya Haruhi-san chose above all else."

"H-Huh?"

"Don't tell me you haven't realized?"

Realized what? Me? Suzumiya's chosen one? Huh? That gloomy sci-fi otaku Suzumiya Haruhi likes me? Creepy. ...Not that my present situation is any better.

"_Fufufu_, this is getting even better than I expected. If I follow through with this new impetuous plan of mine ---- oh, the possibilities are endless! I can wait to collect the new data that will surely materialize, ahahha."

"Wait, what new data?"

"Kyon-kun --- I want you to be my lover, so I can observe how Suzumiya-san reacts!"

I stared --- deadpanned.

Asakura Ryoko has just made the most unreasonable confession I have ever heard in my entire life. What made it worse was that she was serious about it, with a kind of oh-so-naive "_bishoujo_ perfect sparklies" blush on her face. On the other hand, it was also utterly ridiculous as she had this giddy smile on her face, like some _otaku_ who had just unlocked a secret path for her favorite "_bishie_" in her favorite boys-love dating simulation game.

"_Tee-hehe_! In fact, let's seal our relationship with a kiss right now."

I tried to protest, but...

"Whoa-wait a-_mmmfffghhh_!"

...well, as the saying goes "Resistance is futile." and --- whoa, was that some tongue I just felt? I do not if this is some kind of delusion or reality for real, but dang, Asakura moves fast! I can not imagine getting to second base or so with a girl this fast, not even in my wildest dreams. Sure, I am smooth but I am not that _wicked_ smooth!

**Thud**.

Oh Buddha, _that_ sound just now from behind me, coming from the open doorway to be exact, did. not. sound. like a _good_ sound. A couple of really bad scenarios shot through my shock stricken mind just then, ranging from Shion (that would just plain suck, bad) to Okabe-sensei catching me red-handed in "the act," so to speak. Of course, it was somebody far worse, and as I would come to learn in the coming critical hours, the worst person on the planet to see _me_ making out with Asakura Ryoko, period.

Suzumiya Haruhi.

And the Doomsday Clock had begun to tick unbeknownst to me.

* * *

I have no freaking clue why the hell I decided to give chase. Suzumiya Haruhi was not my responsibility; I had nothing to do with her; she had nothing to do with me; our relationship was little more than passing acquaintance. She certainly had no business poking her nose into my affairs, so why should I care if she saw me with Asakura?

No reason.

No reason at all...

...except I felt like I had done something horribly wrong.

Betrayal.

Anger.

Hatred.

Sadness.

Longing.

Should I have known better? Hell, how was I supposed to anything? Even right now, I am confused trying to digest everything that has happened in just the span of a couple of hours; life changing twists in the screwed up "Highway to Hell" I like to call my life. I would really appreciate it if somebody would just give some more answers to me, maybe even a nice explanation, because all I can do right now is just run blindly ahead in this damned tunnel that grows ever darker.

At some point, I must have lost track of the eccentric sci-fi _otaku_, Suzumiya, because I swore she literally disappeared around a busy corner in downtown at the local "hip entertainment" district for impressionable young folk. I guess those rumors about the track team wanting her badly was no joke. Still, I pressed on, stopping the occasional bystander for clues or directions to where she could have gone.

In the end, it really amounted to a big fat waste of time.

Somewhere around dusk, I finally gave up. The sun was coming down; the sky awash in a tapestry of darkening clouds; swathes of orange, red, brown, and black radiated from the horizon; and the crows sang their dirges for the day. Granted, I imagined they were mocking me more than anything was.

I was across town by a passing riverbank and an unremarkable bridge off to my left, providing a suitable landmark for most people, but for me...

Well, it was just proof I was hopelessly lost, a fact I felt I need to announce to the world for all to know:

"Hah...! You know what Suzumiya? Screw you! I am hopelessly lost right now because of you, and I'm dead tired, Miss Priss. So I'm going to tell you what I am going to do: I'm gonna park myself right here on this grassy riverbank and take a break! Oh yeah, you beat you'd better run because when I catch we're gonna have a rumble in the jungle, mouth-to-mouth, _tsundere_ or not because..."

A deep breath now.

"I AM THE GREAT --- KYON-sama!"

I sighed.

Well, _that_ felt really hollow. Guess I might as well get comfortable here and sulky for a while. My weary body was more than happy to oblige by neatly tumbling backwards against the grassy slope; mercifully, the landing was soft, so I did not complain. I had a full view now of the vastness of the open sky, which made me feel all the more ornery and insignificant.

What a terrible day, so I thought as closed my eyes.

"Hmph; agreed, **mortal**, though I insist the very essence of this --- _world_, if you can call _it_ that --- is **terrible**," an unbidden voice spoke to me all of a sudden.

In my rather sour mood, I was eager to strike up a conversation to vent my frustrations, so I completely ignored some pretty big warning signs that things were about to get ugly --- namely, for me. Case in point, I never voiced my thoughts aloud in the first place.

"Terrible? Man, you got it all wrong. It's not the world's fault; it's people's fault, that's what!"

"**Hu-mans**? Bah, when is anything not their fault?"

"No, you don't understand. I swear, this girl...!"

"Suzumiya Haruhi?"

"Yeah, Suzumiya Haruhi, she's..."

"A dreaming god."

When those words came out of the speaker's mouth, I knew the conversation just hit a ten on my Weird-o-meter, forcing me to quickly reassess the situation. My eyes snapping open, I immediately noticed a couple of things:

There were embers floating through the air.

Something close to me was burning and really hot.

The said something close to me was a little girl, about seven or eight years old; really super creepy kinda like Sadako from "The Ring." Of course, Sadako had never been lit on fire and acted perfectly calm about it, not to mention Sadako did not have a twitching mass of nine vulpine tails protruding out from her torn bloody slip. She certainly did not have _kitsune-mimi_ (fox ears) adorning the tops of her long feral mane, nor did she have perfectly manicured claws: great for impressing the boys and tearing out the throats of anyone stupid enough to piss her off.

I yelped and neatly rolled a good yard or two down the grassy slope away from the fiery apparition before getting up to my feet, pointing the evil finger at her, "Holy Zen! Who-what the hell are you? And why do you have flaming red hair like Shana-tan from _Shakugan no Shana_?"

"_Ho_? Now, **human**, don't tell me six months in _limbo _rotted your already worthless brain too?" she replied with a derisive snort, cocking her head aside. "You should be _honored_ --- grateful that the laws of nature decreed that **I **become your better half."

"Argh, I don't understand a word of what you're saying, dammit! Why can't everybody just give me a straight answer today?"

"Because answers given freely is poison meant to rotten the mind into complacency. Surely, somebody taught you that, did they not back at the Ninja Academy?"

"The ninja-what's-it?"

This is starting to get ridiculous. Hell, everything about this moment spoke volumes for my sanity; surely, this all had to be a bad daydream, right?

"Wrong, this isn't your daydream, **mor-tal**; this is Suzumiya Haruhi's daydream."

"Huh?"

"And you were playing out your role as Kyon so well. They way you thought; the way you acted; the way you spoke was an excellent match for him, as expected of his temporary replacement..."

"Re-Replacement?"

"...Uzumaki Naruto."

**_Hissssssss_**!

Pain flooded my senses as I felt my right eye explode outwards. Tears and rips seared across my body, humbling myself to my knees. Dislocating --- disintegrating from the elbow, the thud of my left arm barely registered in the sea of agony I floundered in. Sparkling "fireflies" of green showered out from my wounds in a dazzling display that mesmerized the eye, dissipating with a tinkling chime into thin air.

And all the while, the fiery girl watched, apathetic to my pain, "Oh my, that was the kill word, was it not? Shame, looks like I broke another rule, not that it matters anymore."

"Agh...! Wh-what's..."

"_Quantum Degradation_, albeit accelerated at a pace beyond measure. At the rate you are progressing, this apparition won't last much longer, _fufufufu_. And to think, you still have a role to fulfill, **hu-man**: can you imagine how horrified the Dreaming God will be when she sees you?"

Weak...

So weak...!

"Come now, if you keep lolly-gagging all evening, your _precious _Shion is going to die, Naruto-_human_!"

"...Wha...what about...Shi-Shion-chan?" I gasped, a sudden spark of --- something hot igniting unexpectedly through the cold trance of impending death at just the mention of her name.

"_Hitsuzen_ is an unforgiving master. The fool of a doll tried to force a causality to happen; her very presence here is unwanted, uninvited, and --- unnecessary. She will be erased along with everything else when Suzumiya Haruhi remakes this world to her liking, such a whimsical child. The only ones who have any business are you, myself, and _The Witch_."

Familiar...

So familiar...

My memories...

_Youko no Kitsune_, Kyuubi!

"Oh, look; the end of this world has begun!" Kyuubi hollered jovially, pointing towards across the riverside.

Almost amorphous, sparkling red-hued giants rumbled through the streets, towering over the buildings as if they were in their own playground. The scene reminded me of a peculiar adage, "When the cats are away, the mice will play," and play they did: a wonderful unrestrained rampage that nobody seemed to take notice, toppling offices and department stores whimsically. There were no screams of panic or terror; in fact, there was an utter lack of any human presence at all.

But how did I know that? That there were no people left, except for _her_...? From above, a shining bolt of blue came crashing down straight through an unsuspecting giant, ripping its hide apart like a chainsaw: slow and brutal. Red exploded into the air, coating the buildings in a macabre shower, as the creature gave its death knell. The bolt began to dance a waltz of destruction, sending more of the exponentially multiplying beings to their graves. It was a hopeless battle, but she would dance as long as she was able --- for my sake.

Dammit.

"Ah, to fight the servants of a god! That defective _doll _of yours has more spirit than I give her credit for; she must, honestly, believe she can hold off _The End _long enough for you to accomplish what must be done --- all by her lonesome self."

"Shut up, _bitch fox_. Where's Yuuko-san?" I snarled at her, none too kindly. Yes, these memories --- names, face, people, sounds, events --- I was starting to remember...

"_Kukukuku_, now that's no way to talk to a _god_, **hu-man**. If I was a perverted masochist, I may just enjoy indulging in such base manners, but I am much more high class than that: _beg_ _me_."

"I don't have time for games."

"And neither does your doll, does she?"

Okay, this is starting to genuinely piss me off. If it were not for the fact that the damned demon was just a projection of my imagination, I would definitely teach her a lesson in humility. Unfortunately, I was on the wrong end of the _katana_, so to speak, and worse, she could sense my desperation too. After all, I seem to recall that she could more or less read my mind at will.

"You know what, Kyuubi-_yarou_? Forget you; I'd rather go take my chances with _hitsuzen_ than wait around here for you to pull your head out of your high ass."

"Oh-ho, does not that foul expression apply to you as well?"

Damn her. She never lets up, does she?

"Fine, O Merciful Beloved Terrible Kyuubi-sama, please bless this pathetic, jerk off, jackass, wayward prodigal Uzumaki Naruto with your divine guidance!"

"The Witch's back at the mansion," the demonic girl-child apparition smiled at me, helpfully.

Oh, damn.

I should have thought of that...

So this is why you shouldn't trust foxes. They always find a way to one up you; one way or another. Argh, to hell with this stupid Kyon's pride (and my pride at that too), I've got a world to save, dammit.

Even though, I have the stinking suspicion I was somehow responsible for destroying my own world from before, not that I could possibly screw up twice, right? I am not even my original self right now, so my chances have to at least be a little better.

Right?

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 26 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Oh yeah, and folks, just a quick word here: you really do not need to keep track of the references or where I get my inspiration from. If you can pick out the reference, more power to you, but otherwise I more or less use them on a whim: be it entertainment or something meaningful. In any case, kick back, relax, and enjoy the ride. This brief interlude through the Haruhi-verse is about to come to a smashing megaton pile-up end, and we are going to be launching into something even more crazy.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	27. Chapter 27

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 27:

The Saving the World Mood

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Damn her. She never lets up, does she?

"Fine, O Merciful Beloved Terrible Kyuubi-sama, please bless this pathetic, jerk off, jackass, wayward prodigal Uzumaki Naruto with your divine guidance!"

"The Witch's back at the mansion," the demonic girl-child apparition smiled at me, helpfully.

Oh, damn.

I should have thought of that...

So this is why you shouldn't trust foxes. They always find a way to one up you; one way or another. Argh, to hell with this stupid Kyon's pride (and my pride at that too), I've got a world to save, dammit.

Even though, I have the stinking suspicion I was somehow responsible for destroying my own world from before, not that I could possibly screw up twice, right? I am not even my original self right now, so my chances have to at least be a little better.

Right?

* * *

"You're **LATE**!" Ichihara Yuuko blasted me in the face with all the deadpanned fury she could muster in her totally sexy body.

Did I forget to mention, she looks great in an unkempt _kimono_? Check.

Anyways, her words did not bruise my ego too badly (as I was close to the point of beyond caring at the time), but the kanji characters for "_Osoi_" ("late") materializing in thin air above, and promptly crushing me like a ton of bricks hurt a whole lot worse. Thankfully, I was in the portion of the front yard where there was grass, while Yuuko lounged proudly like a queen on the wooden floor of the front porch. Therefore, the impact was not too bad; my ego could not say the same.

"O-Oi...h-hey, Yuuko-san, is that anyway to greet a half-dead guy?" I groaned at her, uncomfortably. I got the impression from my slowly resurfacing memories that this sort of thing, that is getting crushed by words literally, had happened before, so it was nothing for me to get all worked up over.

No matter how strange that seemed...

The dark-haired woman smiled in return, eerie shadows bathing her face from the glow of the electric lights blazing from inside the living room, "Well, Mister Gentile and Sensibilities, you should know better than to keep a woman waiting. And I have been _waiting_ for. so. _long_."

"Huh?"

"Six months is a long time for a woman to wait, Uzumaki Naruto."

I gave Yuuko my best "Are you batty woman?" look, "Are you nuts? Six months? But the last time..."

"You _died_ six months ago on that unfinished bridge to tomorrow, along with the entire collapse of your timeline as we know it: countless lives, endless possibilities all snuffed out in an instant. All that was left in the end was just echoes and dust, then --- _silence_."

Uhh...

Well...

Damn.

O-kay, and what am I supposed to say to that? I am sorry?

"And guess who's fault it is?"

"Err..."

"A _man _ought to know how to take responsibility for his actions, Naruto-kun," Yuuko sang to me with an expression that I could only describe as...

..."The Bitch Grin."

And boy, did. that. piss. me. _off_. Unfortunately, it was not going to be the last time I was going to be seeing it, though arguably Ichihara Yuuko was one of the best, if not the best practitioner of the said art. Anyways, it was pretty obvious that she was satisfied by my incensed reaction, judging by her girlish giggles that she hid so coquettishly behind the sleeve of her _kimono_.

"Well, don't just lie there all night. You will join me in the kitchen, won't you? We have a lot to talk about, you and I, young man for starters, and that 'META-Body' won't hold out for much longer. I will need to see about repairing some of the '_Dry Damage_' because at the rate you are decaying, you won't even make it until midnight."

META-Body? Dry Damage? Decay? What is up with all this high tech lingo all of a sudden?

"I only use the high technology jargon because to explain it to you in other terms would be even more horribly convoluted," she remarked aloud, as if reading my mind. I gave her a flabbergasted look in turn and she simply giggled again, bidding me to follow. And so under the veil of night, lit by the green "fireflies" of my memories and fading "temporary" life, I grudgingly complied...

Not that I had a choice in the first place.

* * *

I did not know what I was expecting from Yuuko; maybe something mystical, voodoo magic, or something crazy like that. Instead, what I got was her busting out a first-aid kit, telling me to ditch my shirt, tie, and blazer so she can get to work on me. Seriously, what were sterile dressings and bandages supposed to do for me in my "out-of-this-world" condition?

Still, it was going to take some time so I figured I should at least strike up a conversation while I sat there at the kitchen table like a lame casualty:

"Say..."

"You lied to me, Naruto-kun," the woman deadpanned in a heartbeat, as she fussed over her handiwork.

Ouch.

That was uncalled for...right?

"It's not like a _man_ at all to break his promises to a _woman_ now, is it?"

"Oi-oi, Yuuko-san, aren't those kind of personal attacks --- well, kinda unfair? I only started remembering my old self like --- two hours or so ago."

"Excuses, excuses! Ahhh, and to think I had such high hopes for you. You really are a scoundrel, Uzumaki Naruto-kun, but I suppose it was unrealistic for me to assume you could be a saint. Honestly, I should have known that quack, The Magic Gunner, actually knew what she was talking about for a change."

"The Magic Gunner?"

"Oh well, at least I won't mess up again the next time this happens."

Okay, somehow I get the feeling I am not a part of this conversation anymore.

"Um, Yuuko-san, what do you mean by a-"

Yuuko sighed airily, "Really now, Naruto-kun, you have such a big head! Do you think the multiverse revolves around you, just because you are among the select few who can change the ebb and flow of _hitsuzen_?"

"Wh-What?"

"You're not the first, and with any luck, you won't be the last either. Oooo, I pray that April Fool's Watanuki-boy is not as difficult as you when it's his turn!"

Right, I think I better start changing the subject before...

"Still, I suppose we will have to treat you as an adult now that you are a **Sinner**."

Oh crap.

I could literally feel the sweatdrop creeping down the side of my face. This was not going to be pleasant at all. Why is it I have to be responsible for the old me that I did not even know existed until today (though I did know there was some sort of possibility by the subtle hints Yuuko and Shion had given me on day one)?

Pshhaah! A Fugue? Could not they just call it temporary amnesia or something easy like that?

"So what's my sin, Yuuko-san?"

"**Blood**," she deadpanned, eyes never straying from her work.

Well, that's kind of vague.

"I told you never to kill anybody, and to avoid the little things too if you could help it, but not only did you kill a man, you also killed a whole lot more after that. You cannot begin to imagine the amount of karma that is following you right now."

"Ex-Excuse me? I killed who?"

"Names do not matter anymore at this point. _Hitsuzen _has judged you a bonafide _Incompatible Existence_. You should be dead; however, the worlds as of the past six months have been in dire straits and are in need of individuals such as you, regardless of your sins."

An Incompatible Existence? Me? What the hell is this _Hitsu_-thing anyway? God? What proof do they have I actually committed murder? I do not even remember that part of my life yet!

"There was not anything left of your body to speak of. **Nihil **was quite thorough in utterly ripping you into tiny itty-biddy pieces and obliterating your flesh, blood, and ashes into nothing. This left any possiblity of you being resurrected being next to nil, _fufufufu_."

Evil chuckling from the mad woman --- not a good sign.

"But, I grossly underestimated Kyuu-_tan_; she's such a resourceful one, you know. That girl really is a survivor. I dare say as bad as a --- cockroach."

"Um, why..."

The answer to my question at the rather questionable jab (Yuuko must honestly be insane to insult a Daemon "Lord" of Kyuubi the Ninetails caliber) came from across the kitchen. I never noticed it before, but now, I sure as hell did! We had a fish tank in the kitchen; yes, a fish tank; but it was no ordinary fish tank at all. The throaty outraged shriek that shook the mansion to its foundations, piercing --- threatening to shatter glass and eardrums alike, spoke volumes about **who **was in the fish tank.

Imagine a will-'o-the-wisp, an amorphous burning flame (crimson, of course, in color), swirling around in a fish tank, and occasionally taking the form of a seriously pissed off fox's head (disembodied, of course). At present, the fox's head had materialized and was furiously beating against the fish tank, threatening to burst forth and rip apart the nearest victim available. I did not know what the fish tank was made of, but I sure was glad it was stopping the said pissed off demon from breaking through.

The idea of getting bitten to death by a flaming fox head did not really appeal to me. However in that moment of guarded observation, I also noticed something else peculiar about the contents of the said fish tank. Kyuubi was not alone. In fact, she appeared to be orbiting around a flickering blue spark of some sort that was visible intermittently through her brilliant flames.

What could it be I wonder?

"Your soul, _boke_," Yuuko deadpanned.

Ouch. Was not that kind of uncalled for?

"It's pretty much useless at this point, since you do not have a body anymore; in fact, the only thing keeping you anchored in the materium, so to speak, is Kyuubi-tan. Until I can find a replacement body for you, or _Hitsuzen _weaves that we are able to begin recovering what was once thought lost, you're going to have to keep borrowing bodies for a while."

Huh? Me? Borrow bodies? What's that supposed to mean? I am going to have to...

"Yes, Naruto-kun; thanks to your sin and the present crisis, you are now officially the manwhore, slave, giggolo, and-or _deus ex machina _of the cosmos: _congratulations_."

My frown could not begin to describe my feelings of insult, resentment, and utter bewilderment. So, I _just_ had to ask for a better explanation:

"Excuse me?"

"Of course, I cannot tell you what's going on. That'd be breaking the rules and I am not so careless as your lovely book, but suffice to say, things are not well in the worlds right now, and you have been drafted as part of the --- war effort, _ne_?"

A war?

"Ah-ha! All finished, and just in the nick of time too," Yuuko cheered, admiring her handiwork.

Truth be told, I somehow managed to avoid turning out to be a human mummy. Instead, I looked to be a casualty of war, all bandaged up, a patch over my missing eye, and whatnot, but otherwise none too shabby for a half dead guy. Thing is, I noted I could still see traces of "Quantum Data Particles" leaking out at a slow trickle of scintillating green, which could only I was a long ways out from the red.

"Shame, a terrible shame, but my time with you is almost up, Naruto-kun. There was a whole lot more I wanted to say to you: a new definition of the value of Life, about that Tatsumiya girl, and much more. Alas, I suppose we will have to save it for another time though it could hours, days, weeks, months, or even years from now before we will get another chance to speak face to face."

What does she mean by that?

"I mean exactly what I say, and chances we probably won't be as fortunate to meet again. In fact, I will make sure your precious Shion-chan does not try to interfere (unless she is supposed to) and get herself nearly killed the next time we are on the same stage together. Now, I do not fancy doing lip service to others, but I suppose Aozaki Aoko had the right idea..."

Aozaki Aoko? That sounds vaguely familiar, but I can't seem to remember yet; must be an older memory or something.

"She said this much: '_I won_'_t tell you to become a saint. You should just become an adult who is able to do what you believe is right_.' Understand?"

If I told her that I did not get it all, would it make a difference?

Yuuko stared blandly at me. I think she got the message or read my mind again or something crazy. Finally, she gave an airy sigh, before grabbing my discarded shirt, necktie, and blazer, and tossing the whole mess at me.

"No matter, you'll figure it out eventually. Now, on to the question of business, there are three things you absolutely need to know before I kick you out the front door because we really are running short on time."

I glanced over my shoulder at the nearby mahogany grandfather clock, and sure enough, the weary face of granddad time read exactly nine-o-clock in the evening sharp. Hmmm, I wonder?

"By time, do you mean three hours, Yuuko-san?"

"My, my, maybe you're not a complete idiot, after all, Naruto-kun!"

I resent that. Not my fault a tried-and-true drama clichés I saw in one of my anime on TV actually turned out to be true.

"That's your time limit for finding Suzumiya Haruhi and settling business once and for all. Step One, of course, would be finding her, which is not terribly hard: try finding the highest spot you can think of in town or simply follow the --- _fireworks_. It is pitch-black outside right now with the power out, so it should not be too difficult for you."

Okay. That sounded awfully --- ominous.

"Step Two, remember _Sleeping Beauty_. I cannot begin to stress the importance of that fairy tale. So please, Naruto-kun, remember _Sleeping Beauty_, unless you honestly want _Shion_-**chan **to disappear forever."

Unbidden, I snarled right back at Yuuko, overcome suddenly by tender feelings of protectiveness for some reason. I mean, Shion and I were pretty good friends, but that kind of relationship would not warrant a reaction that strong, would it? Argh, I get the feeling there is something more between me and her, but those memories from the old Naruto had not come back to me yet.

"Step Three, you may only be a shadow of the real Kyon, but even a shadow has power over his owner. And that is all."

Huh?

Wait a second!

That's it?

I am supposed to figure out how to save the world --- well, more appropriately I imagine --- this world with just those hints?

Oi!

H-Hey!

Yuuko-san-!

You can't be serious!

Owowowowowow...!

Hey-wait!

Gah! When did you become so freakishly strong, you Amazon woman? And what about my shoes?

Argh-!

Gimmie a break here!

* * *

**Slam**.

Note to self: one of these days I have got to pay back Ichihara Yuuko for manhandling me and tossing me outside in the concrete bitterness of the urban jungle like yesterday's trash. Did she not have a clue that hard asphalt pavement was not particularly forgiving on the body? Man, my back feels all bruised up, and...

Whoa!

Phew, I barely rolled out of the way of those two projectiles, namely my freaking damned shoes. I have got half the mind right now to cuss up a storm at the woman, but it seems that will have to wait for another occasion too. Why?

Well, the mansion just completely disappeared right in front of my face, that's what! There was literally nothing left save for an empty plot of land between two darkened office high rises and a third one in the back.

Well, great; that certainly could have gone better, doofus, I thought to myself irately, as I tugged back on my shoes. The fate of the world had been handed to me on a silver platter wherefore I was promptly kicked out of the restaurant at the end of universe before I could even get the first bite in. Needless to say, I was not much in the saving the world mood, but...

..._that _was about the same time I saw a "firework" go off, and boy was it a hugea--! explosion. I am talking about nuclear level detonations, flattening you on your keister and back, extremely violent hot air, lopping off the tops of skyscrapers like a reaper, SHOCK-waves, and brighter than the sun (thank God I closed my eye in time). Did I forget to mention shortly after I heard something akin to an Elder God's stomach rumbling with barely restrained hunger, and I could see massive serpentine bodies writhing through the clouds of falling ash and descending hellish feeder tentacles?

No?

Good! Because that got me running the hell faster as I realized I had just found myself at the End of the World, and there was a war going on right in my backyard. Between who? I had no idea, but considering the hellish deteriorating cityscape around me was brilliant with flames, tracers, explosions, big blue-ish giants, and other crazy things descending from the living sky, I would wager Heaven and Hell were having a rock concert right here.

I was definitely in a saving the world mood, now.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 27 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	28. Chapter 28

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 28:

Absurdity

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

**Slam**.

Note to self: one of these days I have got to pay back Ichihara Yuuko for manhandling me and tossing me outside in the concrete bitterness of the urban jungle like yesterday's trash. Did she not have a clue that hard asphalt pavement was not particularly forgiving on the body? Man, my back feels all bruised up, and...

Whoa!

Phew, I barely rolled out of the way of those two projectiles, namely my freaking damned shoes. I have got half the mind right now to cuss up a storm at the woman, but it seems that will have to wait for another occasion too. Why?

Well, the mansion just completely disappeared right in front of my face, that's what! There was literally nothing left save for an empty plot of land between two darkened office high rises and a third one in the back.

Well, great; that certainly could have gone better, doofus, I thought to myself irately, as I tugged back on my shoes. The fate of the world had been handed to me on a silver platter wherefore I was promptly kicked out of the restaurant at the end of universe before I could even get the first bite in. Needless to say, I was not much in the saving the world mood, but...

..._that _was about the same time I saw a "firework" go off, and boy was it a hugea--! explosion. I am talking about nuclear level detonations, flattening you on your keister and back, extremely violent hot air, lopping off the tops of skyscrapers like a reaper, SHOCK-waves, and brighter than the sun (thank God I closed my eye in time). Did I forget to mention shortly after I heard something akin to an Elder God's stomach rumbling with barely restrained hunger, and I could see massive serpentine bodies writhing through the clouds of falling ash and descending hellish feeder tentacles?

No?

Good! Because that got me running the hell faster as I realized I had just found myself at the End of the World, and there was a war going on right in my backyard. Between who? I had no idea, but considering the hellish deteriorating city scape around me was brilliant with flames, tracers, explosions, big blue-ish giants, and other crazy things descending from the living sky, I would wager Heaven and Hell were having a rock concert right here.

I was definitely in a saving the world mood, now.

* * *

Sure, the hints Yuuko gave me were awfully vague, but at least it was something to go by. I was tempted to scale a relatively intact high rise, but in lieu of the recent death-scale fuel air explosion and insanity flooding the airwaves, I thought better and sought out an alternative instead. North High was up on the hill side and I recall the premises giving me a pretty good view of the city, not to mention my school was not too far from my former abode.

Who knows? If I was lucky, I might just run into Suzumiya there, or perhaps other human beings. Funny thing is, I probably should not have wished for something trivial as being able to meet other humans, because in the span of the next hour and half or so I would be meeting face to face with the selfish, the soulless, and the mad. Now, why that particular analogy? Because the streets were literally crawling with them, an infestation of insanity and absurdity beyond understanding.

On my way up the hill to school, I saw Darth Vader duking it out with hordes of zombies. Metal men, like those T-series androids from the Terminator movies, were busy flaying the flesh off screaming magical girl troupes. An amalgam of horrific mangled shapes ran over midget-size power rangers in a deluge of teeth and eyes, not to mention flaming skulls. Imperial "cannon fodder" storm troopers exchanged blaster fire with a green tide of fearless humanoid folk, who cared not even as the trampled over their own dead and dying, screaming "WAGGGHHHH!" incoherently.

Yoda and the Master Chief were rocking to death metal music in the company of a gentleman in red, who loved Freddie Mercury, and his merry band of Noise Marines: "ROCK FOR THE ROCK GOD!"

I swear I also saw Kenshirou from Fist of the North Star beating the crap out of punks who were "spawning" randomly out of broken in convenience stores, before some guys calling themselves "The God Hand" and "The Devil Hand" jumped in for an encore presentation of apocalyptic beat downs. There was also a big dude on a really big horse punching his fist into the air, which promptly called down a cleansing orbital bombardment on the surrounding area. Did I forget to mention some guy in blue and white was chasing a chick in a black leather S&M outfit with wings and a tail?

Just checking.

All of this was just at the ground level, but if you cared to look up, you would see things even more mind blowing. I am talking about giant robots, mythical creatures, more daemons and Elder Gods you can shake your _Necronomicon_ at, demi-gods, and other sci-fi favorites from hell. I saw an Atlas-class battlemech introduce a dragon to his very special friend, a retractable PPC. The God of War was busy wrestling with a daemonic pokemon dubbed "Evahead-Pikachu-01", so as to not have his face mauled brutally by rabies infested blood frothing overgrown beastie. Somebody in a Valkyrie, with a skull insignia, was having a bit too much fun dancing the Itano Circus, sending a virtually unlimited supply of weaving, smoke trail-leaving mircomissiles into helpless hordes of Zakus and GMs.

Oh yeah, and Gunbuster just totally delivered the mother of all "Super Inazuma Kick" to a tentacle "pr0n" demon (I imagine the enemy of all womankind) to send it back to hell for good.

The rocking explosions, carnage, and mayhem aside, I found getting up the hill was pretty easy, as all the fighting was downhill. Oddly, the nightmarish vision of the city I had come to known in the past few months being burned down to its foundations in a screaming sea of blood, violence, and absurdity, did not move me much at all. It was as if this was my expectation of the end of the world all along, complete with ashes falling from the black sky.

In any case, Yuuko's hint paid off and instinctively I saw where I needed to go next: a brilliant sphere of bright blue, spinning seemingly in place, and burning anything that touched its surface to ash in an instant. It was a beacon that seemed to be attracting the heaviest fighting, and drawing the indiscriminate use of firepower with extreme impunity. The sphere itself covered just one building in particular --- which I recalled to be a --- hospital...

Wait, a hospital? But why a place like that... Sounds awfully fishy like a plotline out of a survival horror game I played the other day…

Anyways, there seemed to some kind of defensive perimeter about block out from the sphere that was a literal killing field, I imagine, judging by the continuous flashes of gunfire and localized explosions. The perimeter, however, was not impenetrable, as I perceived a "safe" corridor where there seemed to be no activity at all. Either it was an elaborate trap that was guaranteed to get me killed or it might just be my ticket in.

Guess I will go find out.

* * *

The trip downhill was extremely unpleasant. I was tempted to use the sewer lines at one point, but when I saw a sewer rat the size of a healthy Saint Bernard crawl out of a manhole, I thought better. Between dodging death from above, below, side to side, and death from my lungs being clogged full of ash, I did not think my day could get anymore exciting. Unfortunately, it did get more exciting.

Something --- E-_vil _(with a capital E to the zero) --- was following me. How did I know? Well, it was kind of obvious that everything way behind me was being swallowed up into some God forsaken inky blackness that seemed to be just dying to catch up with me. The seeking feeder lines it sent trailing after me caused anything it touch to fester suddenly and puss with disease and filth, decaying rapidly, twisting metal into rust, before it was all swallowed up by the approaching body. The intervention of the said presence left me in a bit of a bind, as there was nowhere to run, except forward.

No disrespect meant to the dead, but I was pretty pissed off to find a burned out husk of a massive "APC" that resembled one of those land battleship tanks from World War I, blocking my way out of an alley. Never mind it was painted red with words like "_Adeptus Astartes_," "_Aquila Ignes_," and had a whole lot of fancy gold work on it, an obstacle was an obstacle. Fortunately, there were plenty of these big dudes (I'm talking about seven to ten feet tall) armored from head to toe in power armor, and of course, in various states of death.

I do not take kindly to have using the dead bodies of others as stepping stones; hits a little bit too close to the heart, if you know what I mean. Still, I had to get from point A to B, and I could not turn back either, as the cancerous "darkness" was catching up with me too. Muttering a small prayer in passing for the dead, I quickly got the morbid business over with, scaling the tank efficiently and hopping out onto the other side.

Thud.

As soon as my feet hit the ash covered pavement, I knew something was wrong, like a circuit breaker in my head was suddenly blown out. Nausea invaded my bleary senses, twisting the world upside down in slow motion, and leaving me collapsing on my knees. Ash from the ground fluttered up into my face, assaulting my nose and throat, and nearly triggering an instinctive retching motion.

I hovered in debilitating sickness for what seemed like an eternity, just on the verge of throwing up my guts, but then it all calmed down. It was quiet, too quiet. I had gotten use to the constant barrage of noise and terror, and to be faced suddenly by calm, a silence so deathly --- eerie --- was unsettling.

Somehow, night had turned into day without me realizing in my lapse of weakness. Visibility had dropped dreadfully low; wherefore the only thing visible was the ash-laden street, the abandoned dilapidated buildings on both sides, and the vague outline of the bluish sphere in the distance. Burned out hulks of metal and impromptu barricades littered the street, standing out like perverse imitations of animal caricatures you would find in a Western neighborhood's backyard. The sky was gray, washed out, and dull much in the same fashion of the encroaching fog, as ash continued to pile up without relent, the wind singing mournfully in the distance.

Ominous.

Foreboding.

Was this supposed to be the calm before the world was snuffed out with a whimper? Because I will be --- scratch that --- I am damned. How more cliché can you get? What's next a boss fight?

Spitting out the last of the spittle, before reaching into my coat for a relatively clean handkerchief (thank you, Shion, for always being so thoughtful, even though I probably don't deserve an ounce of it) to cover my mouth, I forged ahead towards my destination. Ash stung at my eyes, which I did my best to ignore, but there was something I ultimately could not ignore about the elements. Every step I took was like slogging through a muddy swamp, as my feet struggled to gain purchase, sinking all the way down to knee with each step I took.

And then all of a sudden, I fell. A face full of ash was what I got for my troubles, as I spat and cursed fervently, hands searching blindly for some firm purchase. It was in this scramble that the gravity of what I had "walked" upon finally came to me: face to face.

A dead man, his expression twisted permanently in his last death throes, a maniac grin splitting his scarred face nearly in two. The burnt hole in his forehead told me all I needed to know about what had got him, but I was more fascinated by the seemingly self-inflicted scars on his face, forming anarchic patterns and sigils, that left me with a feeling of a nausea. As for the rest of his carcass, it was still thankfully buried under the ash, which I had no intention what so ever of exhuming.

This guy...

Was he some kind of cultist?

Oh, to hell with this crazy stuff, I do not have to time to make sense of it all. If he's dead, well, sucks to be him, and I got no plans to join the river worth of bodies probably underneath my feet either. In fact, I really hope this was going to be the last time I ever have to do crazy stuff, period.

How wrong I was...as a different, older me would come to confirm in aeons to come.

* * *

After a couple of more harrowing minutes, I finally made to the wind swept front steps of the hospital, a phenomenon generated apparently by the rotational force of the giant sphere that towered before me. As per my previous observation, the entire building along with its adjoining facilities had been swallowed whole by the scintillating blue light. I also noted the death toll had risen sharply around me the closer I got to my destination.

Bodies no longer made subtle carpet, leading me to believe that some great fissure had opened up in the street previously. Now, they were piled on high filled with all sorts of weirdly shapes and misshapen monsters, and the biggest and the strongest of them were right here at the front door. Men of metal, massive titans of flesh, armor, and the otherworldly fused together, great carcasses of humanesque demons in baroque gothic armor, and engines of war akin to humongous scorpions and caricatures of walking coffins littered the scene.

Seven black pylons had been driven into the steps in a wedge formation, bearing numerous battle scars, exit wounds, cracks, and slashes than anybody would care to count. At one point, perhaps they had been a gleaming silver but a such a detail mattered little compared to my next discovery. A familiar shade of neon green hair, along with my school's female _seifuku_, and I all but leapt into a panic at the sight of really the most important person to me at the moment.

Sure, my older memories of her had not come back yet, but hey, who cared about stupid things like that, right?

Shion was sitting almost in repose, leaning back against the central pylon, where an immense anti-tank rifle (if you can even call it that) of sorts rested beside her as well. An angel who had gone through hell and back, her ruined clothes were filthy with drying dark red blood, soot, and ashes. She, too, sported her fair share of bruises and scrapes, a gash above her right brow, while her left hand cradled a visible bloody splotch against her side. The surprising thing was _her_ blood: a silvery-blue that glowed intermittently with energy, as if it were alive.

She was not...

"I am not human," a familiar voice spoke, nearly sending me tripping backwards over the stairs in surprise.

I felt cold, terribly cold, as if I had done something horrible. Even Shion's melancholy smile, perhaps a gesture of pity meant to make me feel better, made me feel worse. Her eyes fluttered open, and for the first time, I saw just how vulnerable this --- she looked: pain, weariness, and oddly enough, nostalgia. I knew was the bad guy here and I ought to say something, but...

"Have you finally come to your senses, My Master?"

"W-Wha?" I croaked stupidly, feeling every bit the jerk.

"I see, then the one who awoke me from my long dream still has not returned. I so dearly wish to meet _him _again --- to apologize for my selfishness, and to say: I am sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. If only time would turn back, then all of this sorrow could have been avoided."

Dammit, I can't remember all of that yet! I am _really _starting to not like this Uzumaki Naruto jerk. The root of all my problems seems to be linked that guy. I am not _him_; I am...

Just who the hell am I supposed to be? I am not Kyon. I am sure as hell not Uzumaki Naruto. I am just...

Argh, this is stupid! I do not have time to worry about that; the world is not going to save itself, while stand here "angsting" myself away. I'll figure these things out later when I make it through this mess!

"Enough of that crap!" I barked suddenly out of frustration.

Even Shion was surprised, judging by the "doe eyed" look she was giving me, "M-Master?"

"What happened to you, Shion? Can you move? And just what the hell is going on here? It's like I just walked into a whole different world!"

Imagine my surprise when my --- childhood friend began to laugh.

"Hey-hey, this ain't no time to be screwin' around, Shion-chan!"

"_Kusu-kusu-kusu_! Ah, s-sorry, Master: I suppose this isn't the time or place for our demons."

"Argh, don't call me, '_Masutaa_'. I'm bad with English and I nowhere near that rich --- yet! 'sides, I like the tune of '_Goushujin_-sama' better. Now, spill; we're running out of time and this essay still needs to get turned in on time."

"How strange; my diagnostics state I should not be able to move anymore. The grimoire that resides in this Prototype D1 armored module, my true self, theoretically provides an unlimited power source, yet my energy reserves have been depleted to less than five-percent after all the fighting I have done in this enclosed space. _Ku_, I feel lighter already."

"Geez, you took down all those guys back there? _Tsk_, here take my hand."

"A-Ah, thank you."

"Argh, don't. thank. me. yet! Damn, girl, you are heavy, and you said you felt lighter!"

Shion blushed furiously, as a girlish pout found its way on her pretty face, "_M-Mou_! It's not polite to snipe at a woman's weight."

"I'm just stating the facts," I deadpanned in turn, "but wait --- does that mean I'm really weak?"

"_Ku-Kusu-kusu_!"

"That's a weird way to giggle, then again I'm talking to a super girl who just totally messed up a whole lot of not-very-nice people. I oughta take martial arts classes from you or something."

"I am well-versed in over one-hundred-thirty martial arts styles, though I have only used two in real combat."

"R-right..." Man, that's scary. Guess good grades was not her only other amazing talent; I really did pick the right girl to fight for, eh?

"Here, take this key. It shall allow you entry into the hypersphere where Suzumiya-san awaits."

"What the? This is old rusty iron thing is going to get me into that glimmering blue thing? What's it doing here at the hospital anyway? And what about you?"

"Looks can be deceiving, but I am afraid we don't have time for the technical explanation for the key or hyperspace. Just use it as any key you would, and you will be fine. As for myself --- I must remain here."

I blinked.

"But --- but why?"

"**HE**'s here," she hissed, her neon green eyes gleaming dangerously.

The air became heavy, suffocating and dreadful, a palpable fear stabbing me in the heart, as I became aware all too late of the sudden darkness. Black was everywhere, all encompassing, swallowing the light whole, and leaving just myself, Shion, these stairs, and the glimmering hypersphere. The black pylons crackled to life with a terrible whine, alien sigils and patterns, colored electric blue, dancing wildly across their throbbing surfaces.

Someone was here.

"Don't look back!" Shion commanded me, a fierce expression on her face, "You're not ready to face **Him**. **He **destroyed you before, and **He **could do it again just easily."

Him? He? Who?

"Run! All you can do right now is run forward! Suzumiya Haruhi does not have any time left; this World does not have any time left; nor do you have any time either. Run! Don't worry about me; you'll know what you need to do once you're inside."

"_Che_, you and Yuuko-san owe me a double date for this, Shion-chan! See ya," I spat back tersely before taking off.

Dammit, is running away all I'm good for or something?

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 28 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh yeah, small advertising service announcement thingie here: if y'all get bored in between waiting for new episodes and whatnot, but you're still dying for a fresh/unique AU Naruto fic go read _Kara no Kyokai: The Borderline to Emptiness _by **Tempest Dynasty**. I guarantee, he is the only fella who has the guts to fuse Naruto with a magical girl show and the infamous Warhammer 40K gothic-scifi military tabletop game series. Give it a shot; you won't regret it.

And yes, it makes a whole lot more sense than my crazy stuff (at the moment) since he's actually going with a linear-style storytelling. Not like me where I've gone: okay, normal-normal-normal-OH MY GOD where are we!

_Tsudzuku_!


	29. Chapter 29 ITLDE1 SOSdan ED

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku _/ The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto

Chapter 29:

25th Hour

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Looks can be deceiving, but I am afraid we don't have time for the technical explanation for the key or hyperspace. Just use it as any key you would, and you will be fine. As for myself --- I must remain here."

I blinked.

"But --- but why?"

"**HE**'s here," she hissed, her neon green eyes gleaming dangerously.

The air became heavy, suffocating and dreadful, a palpable fear stabbing me in the heart, as I became aware all too late of the sudden darkness. Black was everywhere, all encompassing, swallowing the light whole, and leaving just myself, Shion, these stairs, and the glimmering hypersphere. The black pylons crackled to life with a terrible whine, alien sigils and patterns, colored electric blue, dancing wildly across their throbbing surfaces.

Someone was here.

"Don't look back!" Shion commanded me, a fierce expression on her face, "You're not ready to face **Him**. **He **destroyed you before, and **He **could do it again just easily."

Him? He? Who?

"Run! All you can do right now is run forward! Suzumiya Haruhi does not have any time left; this World does not have any time left; nor do you have any time either. Run! Don't worry about me; you'll know what you need to do once you're inside."

"_Che_, you and Yuuko-san owe me a double date for this, Shion-chan! See ya," I spat back tersely before talking off.

Dammit, is running away all I'm good for or something?

* * *

_Drip_.

_Drip_.

W-Water...?

_Drip_.

Ugh, something smells --- stale.

_Drip_.

_Drip_.

Dammit, I really don't want to get up.

_Drip_.

_Drip_.

Please, somebody turn off the tap!

_Drip_.

_Drip_.

Wait, second that ain't water.

_Drip_.

That's...

_Drip_.

Blood!

I came to my senses rather quickly after that as I looked up to come nearly face to face with a rather iconic creature, hanging from the broken ceiling spread-eagle by wreathes of razor wire. Sure, I only ever sat through playing Doom --- once --- but I never forgot the **Imp**. Nasty little cannon fodder bastards: roughly humanoid in appearance, with grey skin, muscular bodies; ten beady orange eyes that glowed in the claustrophobic darkness of the UAC Mars facility; and bony scales covering their upper arms, topped off with elongated claws on their hands.

Oh yeah, does not help they are about 99.99 genetically identical to humans (according to the tech manual at least); gives you creepy ideas about the afterlife, if you know what I mean. In any case, somebody had turned this demonic beastie into his personal science projection: a clean incision from abdomen all the way up to the collarbone marked the beginning of the dissection. Entrails, blood, fluids; the nasty bits were hanging like macabre Christmas decoration all over the floor and overturned chairs...

Speaking of which, I seemed to be in a lobby of some sort, albeit this area of the building was strangely --- dilapidated. The depressing heavy air was stale and dank, rust and mildew pockmarked much of the visible furnishings, lit dimly by the green and red emergency lights still active. Broken pipes and wiring ruptured out haphazardly from the sunken ceiling, like the floor above me was about to come crashing down on top of my head.

Now, why the hell would I be in a lobby?

Hmmm...

Oh right, I seem to remember --- The Key.

And then there was a flash of light...

...oh damn.

So _this_ is the hospital.

Tsk.

Tsk.

Tsk!

Damn, I should have figured Suzumiya Haruhi to be a _dramatic _sci-fi obsessed, neurotic otaku! Why did it have to be a number straight from a survival horror game, too? I hate _Silent Hill_! I really, really hate it with a burning passion.

"As expected o' de death throes o' an adolescent God, eh, mate?" a masculine voice spoke to me in perfect British english. More surprising, I actually understood all of that as if I was bilingual for real. "That girl really is a mega otaku, if I should say meself."

Wait...

Huh!

There was a panting dog sitting on its haunches beside me: a _Shiba Inu_. A small breed of hunting canine; I could not tell what "his" colors were exactly, but the straight outer coat appeared to be predominately auburn, while his undercoat was a soft, dense white. His little eyes seemed to gleam at me in the dim light with an unsettling bemusement, as he held up a velvety paw seemingly in greeting.

"Evenin', Guv'nor, and welcome ta de Crazy Rocky Horror Show Silent Hill edition o' Nishinomiya General Hospital, the dirge of a dying God! I be yo' host and hand o' Casuality, Shiba Inu: glad ta make yo' acquaintance."

...holy.

Did the dog just...

"Did --- Did you just --- talk?" I ventured hesitantly to shake the dog's paw.

"Blimey, and do you'ze fluoresce green and yellow naturally? You be loik a walking neon lamp in de dark!"

"Uh...well, that's just the quantum data of this META-body --- well --- degrading apparently," So it's not my imagination.

"Wot? You don't even have yo' own body? Hell! And where's yo' arm an' o'der at, crazy? You only got one left o' each, ya blood git. How do you expect ta save de world wit' just one arm, an eye, and a false body 'bout ta fall apart?"

"I dunno, damn you. I'm only in this for a girl or two," I raged back defensively.

At my retort, Shiba Inu looked positively mystified, cocking his head aside in wonder:

"Seriously?"

"Of course!"

"Bah, that's as good motivation as any, al-roight. Let's get this party started: I don't wanna be here when de big bad wolf outside comes a-knockin' and you don't got any time left, so here's the lowdown on what you gots ta do."

"Let me guess, find a weapon."

"De lad's a genius! I knew video games were good for something."

"And I got an hour left, right?"

"Blimey, took de words right out of me mouth. What's next?"

I shrugged. This is the super eccentric Suzumiya Haruhi, and the apparent God of this world. How was I supposed to know the inner workings of a supposedly omnipotent, omniscient, and --- I think I've run out of omni-words... But you get the picture, right?

"...You got me."

It was the first time I ever saw a dog do a spit take in disgust, though the said physical act was oddly similar to a cat spitting out a hairball, "_Che_, that's just mean, mate! And I thought I wouldn't 'ave ta do any work at all. Party pooper!"

"Errr, I'm sorry?"

"Sorry, don't cut it! This is my Guiness Time we're talk-ing about 'ere. Bah! Anyways, you gots to figure out what 'appened ta Suzumiya Haruhi within the time limit and confront de **Truth**."

"The Truth?"

"Aye, it's only something a bloody fool like you can do, so get moving ya git! Time's a-wasting away. Oh, and before I go: be careful in these parts. Dis Hospital be far from safe haven. Got some unpleasant folk in 'ere wit' ya, not to mention de place be fallen a-part too. Back tracking is probably gonna be out of de question, so plan your route carefully. Though, personally, I'd try the records room in the west wing first..."

Oh great, just what I needed to make the last moments of my life even more...

"Good luck, Hero! And remember, you have the power to create a miracle!"

...what?

Damn.

The mutt was gone. I only turned my attention away from him for what --- a second or two? --- and the guy goes ahead and abandons me just like that! Whoever said dogs were a man's best friend must have been paid "mad money" by the RSPCA for lip service.

An eerie shiver up my spine, finally alerted to me to just how cold and alone I was, breaking me out of my rambling, which I imagine could have gone on for quite some time. Simultaneously, an inborn instinct of mine (I imagine) pointed out another detail abruptly, the coldness of the humid air --- was --- _unnatural_. If the air conditioning in the building had failed, then why was not this place a sweltering swamp? Conversely, just who would enjoy keeping the temperature this low anyways?

"Argh, must be to make the atmosphere that much more nasty; _thank you very much_," I mumbled as my gaze surveyed the ominous lobby, ignoring the hanging corpse from the sunken ceiling above me.

I was not leaving here until I found a weapon, and definitely, one I could wield competently with just one arm. Of course, as luck would have it, I managed to find one with the first step I took. In fact, it would have made a rather nasty gash on me (or at least a bruise), if I did not hear the tell-tale "squelch" of it coming loose.

Instinct drove me back, and I spied a bloody blur slip passed my limited field of vision, before it clattered wetly into the pool of blood below the imp's hanging corpse. A crimson soaked machete with a wicked hook on the head, making it seem more like a perverse knife for butchering men than an implement for clearing land. I imagine it must have been buried somewhere in the eviscerated creature before it came loose; rather nasty way to go, but hey, no sympathy for the devil here.

I did my best to ignore the copious amounts of congealed blood coating the thing --- sticky and cold --- in my hand, as I proceeded over to the reception desk. The cleaver's sturdy weight, at least, was reassuring. Something real and tangible in my extraordinarily absurd circumstances that I for one was certain could split open an ordinary --- "humanoid" --- like a water melon with ease. Finding a disposable disinfectant wipes, I quickly set about cleaning my weapon to an acceptable shine: my tool for "death-dealing" was about thirty-eight centimeters (fifteen inches) by my reckoning and a solid two kilos (five pounds).

A few practice swings left pleasant ambient cuts through the air that immediately grew to my liking. The wooden handle already felt familiar in my right hand, and I was ready to "kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I am all out of a bubblegum) so to speak. If this was how Suzumiya wanted to play it, well, who was I to argue at this point?

"Three, two, one --- no one behind me, no one in front of me. Ready or not, here the _Demon _comes!"

Morbidly, so I thought hide and seek it was, and I was the _Oni_.

* * *

Dim.

Spooky.

Claustrophobic.

Paranoia.

Oh yeah, I was never a big fan of hospitals, at least as far back as my memories could take me, and even now, the fact remains the same. Always I sensed there was something --- oppressive --- about the extreme cleanliness of hospitals, the white washed walls, and the constant filtration of white noise, courtesy of the air conditioning/filtration systems did not help either. Sure, there were plenty of people buzzing about in a constant synergy of activity in this place of "healing" and such.

What I would give right now to be in the presence of those people.

For all intents and purposes, I was sufficiently armed by "survival horror" standards, that is "almost" naked. The machete was my only defense against whatever nightmares Suzumiya Haruhi had thought up as she lay dying, waiting for the inevitable in a near-death coma. Too bad, my handle on reality was slowly being eroded away in this --- God (no pun intended forsaken -- place.

Wait a second? A near-death coma? Where did that crazy idea come from? Speaking of which, did not the mutt say something about death throes?

No way. Suzumiya could not seriously be dying could she? Nah. That just does not add up; the last time I saw her --- hell, the whole time I have been "alive" Suzumiya Haruhi-san was as healthy as any eccentric otaku girl could be! What could have...

Okay, this paranoia has got to stop! I am thinking way too hard and its bordered on delusions. Hell, this place is driving me nuts as is: the west wing was bathed in a constant alien green glow and patches of black shadow, thanks to the intermittently placed emergency lights. The windowed portholes on the doors, some ajar and some closed, hinted seductively at the terror unseen and beyond my restricted sight.

Water dripped constantly from the fractured ceiling panels. My steps echoed almost alternatively between an eerie hammering staccato on dry areas of floor space, like nails into a coffin, and a persistent wet squelch. I was in an heightened state of awareness, seeing red so to speak; adrenaline flowing like a river of cheap alcohol, my survival instincts on the fritz. Granted, I have never touched a drop of _sake _in my life --- or lives --- to the best of my knowledge, but I imagined getting drunk could not begin to compare to this --- intensity.

And then, **it **had to happen.

I'm not certain where it came from exactly, but I could have sworn I heard a flutter of cloth. Haunting girlish giggles followed my swift turn to check my six-o-clock; my hampered vision scanning furiously for a sign. Then a bang went off, like the explosive sound of a door being slammed shut, and I whirled about again, a guttural snarl ensnaring my face as a rush of whispers and open mocking laughter grated at my ears.

"Where are you? Show yourself!" I raged back.

More doors were opening and banging shut incessantly; the cacophony of voices rising louder and louder. Fear; paranoia: I felt trapped --- cage, like an animal in somebody's private, and they --- whoever they are --- were rattling this damned place like a toy. Yes, they wanted to see a reaction from me; something that would amuse them.

Bastards!

I would...

Suddenly, it was stark still. Like some jerk had gotten his hands on the volume control at the dance club and turned down to zero in a heartbeat.

I am so going to kill...!

A **_moan_**: the prolonged, low, inarticulate sound uttered from or --- as if in physical or mental suffering; painful, mewling. Bewitched, the rustle of cloth moving drew me ahead towards a vague silhouette clearing up in macabre detail. A hospital bed where it should not be, left unattended in the hallway against a darkened window. The once white sheets bloodied and soiled to a rusty luster from whence a bulbous humanoid figure stirred beneath the dirty blanket, bearing a voice that was both man and woman. A hand, an arm had snaked out from beneath the folds, grasping weakly upwards towards the ceiling: long nails black as obsidian, the flesh a pale pallor of sickly grey with bone and muscle alike beneath the surface pulsing visible.

Rotten.

Death.

Decay.

**It** was starting to get up. The blanket slipping away: hair of brown, a mockery of woman, horribly swollen, and her abdomen...

"_DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!"

**Splatter**.

"DIE!"

**Splatter**.

"DIE."

**Splatter**.

"Die!"

**Splatter**.

"Die..."

**Splatter**.

"J-Just..._die_..." I breathed in a hoarse whimper, as I continued to rain blow after blow until all life had been extinguished.

The walls and the floor gleamed a fresh, dark coat of red under the light of green. Blood and gore dribbled off the end of the machete, a testament to my --- murder. No! No, it was not murder. It was --- survival! Yes, this --- monster --- a pale imitation of a woman in pregnancy, bloated perversely, with strange red markings on her stomach...!

I screamed, crushing the grotesque bubble face beneath my heel, with sickly wet crunch. I-I --- I had to d-deny the --- _abomination_. I-!

No...

No.

No!

Those markings; where have I seen them before?

* * *

Disconnection.

Distorted.

Decoration.

Disassociation.

Denial.

Discord.

Decoherence.

Detachment.

Disorder.

Daydream.

_Mother_.

* * *

Entanglement.

I came to consciousness with a feral scream at the top of my lungs, my blood soaked machete swinging, splintering into the faux-wooden door with a crash.

Hyperventilation. Breathe. Pain. Blood. Head messed up! White noise. Fear. Adrenaline. Hot. Cold. Everything all at once, every sensation: _overload_. My memories were a mess. Where was I? Who was I? What is...

No!

NO.

Do not remember. I do not have time to remember! My wounds --- my wounds have begun to open up. I can see the sparkling mist of green and yellow quantum particles seeping out faster than before, illuminating my presence brighter. Just feel! What? What was I doing before?

Yes, that's right. I ran. I ran fast because the darkness was coming. Records... Yes, the records room: bloated corpses, a lighter, a silver white revolver --- one bullet --- turned pitch black at the touch, blacker than night, and case file #8, order #88. Suzumiya Haruhi.

Suzumiya Haruhi: female, age sixteen. Unable to reach next of kin or relatives. Processing... Admitted April 21, 200X post-haste from location of traffic altercation to Intensive Care Unit operating room 101. Diagnosis...severe trauma, internal bleeding, multiple fractures, broken, infection... Surgery... Prognosis...near-death. Moved to room 305, East Wing...

_Tampering_...

Wait! April, that date... That's the same day before the school opening ceremony when I --- woke up. "Traffic altercation" must be medical jargon for a traffic accident, and if so, does it mean she got in a car accident? Argh, that's not possible. The timeline of events, what I experienced, and what is here does not add up.

Red.

Red.

Red.

Is this the east wing? The emergency lights here were different; all of them were red, cutting my visibility down. Look! The sign above me read clearly, thanks to the back lit neon panel, that this was my stop: the Room 305. And what did you know? It was still visitation hours as the neon sign changed from red to green, and the double doors gave an audible click.

Green.

"Green" meant "Go"; yes, he had to go. There was no turning back; no time; the only path was forward because the _darkness _was coming. With a grunt of effort, I dislodged the machete, earning a groan of protest out of the door. However, before my hand even had a chance to touch the doorknob, something --- bad --- just had to happen.

**FWOOSH**.

IMPACT.

Hot.

Burning.

Fire!

Instead of panic, a primal instinct for survival --- someone else's...far older than I could imagine --- kicked in automatically, commanding me to roll about frantically to extinguish the flames eating up my jacket. I heard and I obeyed without question, and luckily, the pipes on this floor were broken too, as I was able to quickly smother the flame in a nearby pool of brackish water. Subconsciously, however, it seemed my mind was already light years ahead of where my consciousness, urging me to evade.

I rolled out of the way of a second roaring impact: bright and hot, the heat searing to my flesh. The attack had struck from my blind side, namely my left side where I no longer possessed an eye. Knowing where my opponent was roughly, my instinct spurned me to take the offensive, though I only had a vague idea of what my foe could do: that is, throw fireballs.

But what else coule he, she, or it do?

Well, it did not honestly matter anymore. I rose, charging through the spluttering fire and smoke; fear registering just for split-instant before it was washed away under a tide of desperation and adrenaline. In the heady trance of the moment, I felt invincible, as the bloodied machete hummed through the air, an overhead swing crashing down on the enemy.

Blood and gore splattered across my arm and face, blinding me suddenly as some of it found its way into my eye. I reared back with a howl, letting go of the machete, clawing at my face to scrub away the bothersome material. Blinded and stumbling wildly then, did I begin to hear: its voice.

Disjointed.

Female.

She was crying out in denial between sobs and whimpers:

"No. This... _I-Iya_! WHAT... _Iya_! Isn't... No! To me... Hah! He said-! Dream...another... No-! Fake... No dream-! Ponytail! My hair...!"

Delerious.

"If only my hair were longer! Then-then, I... I could make a ponytail, and then-!"

I _knew _that voice.

"Su-S-Suzumiya Ha-Haruhi!" I breathed in disbelief.

What I had mistaken for a nightmarish creature come to life from her imagination was none other than Suzumiya herself! What have I done? Have I just killed Suzumiya Haruhi? No, this has to be a bad joke.

"Ha ha..."

What?

"_AH_-HAHAHAHAHA!"

She's laughing?

Impossibly so... Hell, she should have been dead the moment my machete cleaved through her skull! Suzumiya Haruhi still lived, and she was transforming right before my eyes. The her skin paling visibly in the nearly dead flames to a sick lifeless white, as her dark hair grew and grew, spilling all over the floor. Gone were the whites in her remaining eye, replaced by pitch black, and her irises a glowing, piercing red. Blood ran from the wound, an illuminant molten tar, as if she were an inferno burning within. The terrifying sight was deathly familiar to me for she began to stagger towards me, her posture slumped forwards at a broken hunch: a china doll who had just been cut lose from her strings.

Hands roving, searching...

"Look! Hey, look at me, Kyon! My hair... It grew. I can make a po-ponytail, just like y-you like --- it. K-Kyon, look!"

The crash of doors being splintered open throughout the hallway drove me out of my morbid stupor. I was aware that I was no longer alone as tortured moans ushered themselves in, accompanied by the painful shriek of metal scraping against metal. Cold fear threatened to paralyze me and quite frankly did after all, until cold steel came whistling through the air.

Now, it was my turn to scream in pain for a change, like a fire had exploded in chest. Struck from behind, something black and red was protruding out of me, thinner than a soda bottle but long enough to be a lance, and oh, how crude it was...not even a proper weapon, just a jagged cylindrical piece of rusted iron. And Suzumiya was still coming...

"Oh... You can't heart me. I'm too far away... Ha ha... HA-hahahah! I know; I know. I-I c-come...! Coming! Kyon!"

With a newly granted life, her hair struck with the whiplash force of a snake's sudden bite. Splotches of red and black filtered across my vision: confusion and pain sweltered in my consciousness, a miasma leading the way to the swamp of death. I had been captured, like a butterfly in a spider's web. Vague forms of tall figures with pyramid-shaped heads were approaching Suzumiya from behind, unbidden shadows gaining life and definition.

Was this the end?

No...

No.

No!

The door was still right there. The only remaining door. Lit by the light of green: I have to get free. I have to go, by any means necessary. Arm...still somewhat...free...

The lighter!

"Look! Please, K-Kyon!" she wailed again.

Nothing personal, Suzumiya Haruhi-san. I really do not know what happened here or what is even going on, really. All I know is the world is about to end, and I have to stop it. Maybe you are the real Suzumiya-san, and maybe you are not, just like how I am not the real Kyon.

Which is why I can do this...!

"**Burn**," I coughed, my expression twisting into a sneering grin.

_Scream_.

My name.

No.

**His **name! Over and over!

Escape.

Door.

White.

* * *

When the world returned to focus, I was somewhat pleasantly surprised.

**KRA-TAK**.

Lightning flashed, thunder rumbled, and I have expected rain to start beating me down into the ground. However, none of my dark expectations were to be fulfilled in the ringing white noise that flooded my ears. I was barely lucid at this point, the veil of death beginning to descend upon me so it seemed by the terrible cold and weariness encroaching upon my limbs, making me tired sleepy. My complexion was awash with sweat, growing paler by the second, but...

No.

I could not stop yet.

Besides, I could smell --- roses, and oddly enough, they were reminiscent of sweet tea. How funny; I seem to recall spending many a Sunday afternoon on Yuuko-san's porch with Shion serving tea to all of us. But here was different; there was disinfectant in the air with a faint stinging lime scent. Everything was pure and clean, though the weather outside was storming and dark.

I felt a strange calm in this room: dimly lit with a respirator and a pair of beeping ECG (electrocardiogram) and EEG (electroencephalogram) machines hooked up to a vague figure lying on the pure white hospital bed. Had I finally made it out of that nightmare? If so, I suppose this place would not be a bad place to pass on...

"You're bleeding all over the floor," a condescending voice spoke to me, devoid of any compassion at all.

A young man my age stood towering over me; how I did notice him standing so close to me before I can only blame on my deathly trance. I was seriously running out of time, and each passing moment only made me feel more --- relaxed. Ack, have to stay awake... Pretty tall for a Japanese kid: brown hair, brown eyes, and all around totally average, errr, plain looking. No offense meant. Oh, and he's wearing my high school uniform too...

But, dang, that --- _apathy_. Geez, he could freeze seas into ice and turn water into wine with --- that gaze.

Wait a second, I'm bleeding! I'm...coughing up blood; my blood. Red! I thought this body was supposed to be a fake, temporary --- why is it behaving like a real one now?

"Who are you?" he asked me. What the hell was wrong with this guy? I am kind of half-dead here!

How absurd. How utterly absurd! I collapsed to my knees, holding myself up with just my one arm, as I choked on a glob of phlegm and blood, the ugly mess spilling out all over my mouth.

Now, it was my turn to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"The-There's...no --- time. The W-World... Su-Suzu-miya Haru-hi... No time!"

"...I see. You're the one Nagato was talking about three months ago. What are you? Another alien? esper? slider? or..."

"_Omae_... You --- you're the **real** Kyon, aren't you?"

"And what if I am not?"

"_Che_, that attitude, just like me-Kyon."

"Hmm?"

"The way you...think...is the same."

"The same?"

"I'm your _shadow_, hnnggkk! No time. Tell me: what? why? how?"

Kyon gave a pathetic chuckle, a gleam of bemusement sparkling in his eyes. Maybe this guy was even more crazy than me. "Explain? What's there to explain? If you're me from some parallel world or whatever, you should already know what happened!"

"No. A shadow is --- _different_. Suzumiya...made... Urghkk! _Hurry_. No time."

"It doesn't matter. Every-_thing _--- is my fault, anyway. I -- I abandoned, Haruhi."

Abandoned! Is this the reason why that other Haruhi...?

"I-I...I couldn't stop, dammit!"

What the? He's crying? His hands were balled up into trembling fists. Why?

"Mikuru-san... Nagato. Even that Koizumi-_yarou_... They're...they're-!"

Gone.

"I knew...I had to say something. Do something. To make her happy. But-! I... I couldn't stop... Listening; that Voice-! I couldn't stop. It-it said that _it was not enough yet_. **No**. Suzumiya Haruhi _must_ reshape the World! A-And for this to occur...one --- heh-heh heh --- final act was required."

That voice...?

"**IT**-it! It had --- _My Face_! A golden mask, a red eye. A bleach bone white skull... My face! What I-I --- really wanted-?"

Wow, the real Kyon just completely self-destructed on me in a span of like --- five minutes. This guy is supposed to be Suzumiya Haruhi's chosen one? No wonder she dreamed me up, except my bravado did not last too long, and before I knew it I was acting just like him. This is the type of person Suzumiya Haruhi likes? Shouldn't he be stronger, cooler than this or is the guilt seriously hitting him that hard?

Well, I guess, you should feel pretty guilty for causing the apocalypse, but if so, how has the World survived for three months? How is Kyon even still alive? He should have expired two months ago either from starvation or dehydration!

Oh, forget it. For some reason, dying slowly has made me sane again, judging by my rambling. Right...time to save the World.

"All right, enough of that," I told him, my voice eerily calm and serene, despite the mesmerizing veil of death descending upon me. Hell, I felt like I could take on the world right now!

"H-Huh?"

"We're almost out of time, so I'll save my techno-spiritual jargon, and ask you this plainly: Kyon, do you believe in fairy tales?"

"Not...not really..." he shot me a defensive look.

"Liar."

"Gyeh!"

"In any case, Suzumiya Haruhi-san certainly believes in them, or why else would she have held out for this long?"

"H-Haruhi...?"

"Believe me or not, she still cares about you and wants you back, man."

The phrase: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned comes to mind, and this twisted nightmare born from Suzumiya seems to be a perfect example. However, a gut feeling tells me there more here than meets the eye. Why else would that Suzumiya out there have been crying out for Kyon? In fact, if "God" really wanted to remake the world, what could possibly stop her other than herself?

God.

Yes, that answers a question. She's been keeping Kyon alive all this time, waiting for him no doubt, except he was too big of a guilt tripping jerk to forgive himself. But what could hurt a God? What happened exactly that would have put Suzumiya Haruhi in a dying coma like this?

That voice? Argh, I'm rambling again. Let's hurry and end this drama already.

"Ever hear the story about _Sleeping Beauty_?" I spoke, shocking Kyon out of his stunned shock.

"Sleeping Beauty...? What's that --- no way. No way! You expect me to do something like _that_?"

"Don't you believe in miracles?"

"Lightning does not strike twice!"

"Oh, so something like that _has_ worked before. Guess Yuuko-san didn't tell me to remember Sleeping Beauty for nothing."

"Yuuko-san? Who's..."

"Doesn't matter. No time. Just kiss the girl, and I'll handle the rest."

"And just what are you going to do?" Kyon eyed me suspiciously.

I answered him, hardly noticing the strange words that came unbidden to my mouth, "Something only I can do. The reason I was born for in this temporary life. I am your shadow, your temporary replacement, that which shall grant a _miracle_: memory and life."

"H-Huh?"

"Just get on with it, ya jerk! You kissed her before, didn't ya? Now, you get to do it again! Sheesh. And gimmie the word, when you're ready."

"Al-Alright, I get it."

Good man; now, how do I go about doing this? Man, it's starting to get really dark and hazy. Am I drunk, sleepy, tired, or all the above? Dunno. Feels really cold too. Can't wait to go home for that double date with Shion-chan and Yuuko-san. Oh, that's right! This crude metal thingie stickin' through me is interrupting the circuit! I see. I see. All I have to do is remove it and everything will work just as planned. I'm such a genius-_dattebayo_!

"I'm --- I'm good!"

"On the count of three then."

Three.

Two.

One.

Happy Birthday, Suzumiya Haruhi-san.

_Goodbye_.

* * *

Clatter.

The sound seemed to extend into infinity: echoes. A plane of white I stood upon in the directions of north, south, west, east, center, up, and down. I was everywhere and nowhere at once. The faux body was gone and I had returned to just degrading bits of quantum data, sparkling yellow and green, like a funeral pyre of fireflies flitting about my person. I was virtually just half a head, pieces of a torso, an arm, a leg, and a tattered jacket.

Success.

Failure.

I knew not, just a slim hope I could enjoy my last moments of consciousness in silence. It would all be over soon, I hoped.

Unfortunately, I was helpfully reminded I was still the manwhore of "The will of the universe" in a big bad way, namely The Big Bad Boss decided to pay me a visit. Never wanted to meet 'im. Never wanted to see 'im. But considering, I just managed to foil his scheme with a significant setback, I guess he wanted to say "Hi."

The white plane rumbled, a thunderous ripple shaking its very foundations, accompanied by loud rapping noises, as if fists were banging on "the cage." Cacophonic noise and static assailed the ears, vision distorted and warped, and sensation burned to a crisp. The ground bulged and wailed, straining against a force pushing in, bubbling before a mass of black tar exploded outwards.

Like an invasive parasite, it devoured the "white" hungrily, fueling its growth. The tear in sanctity became a rift, powerful and insatiable. It would not be stopped, cannot be stopped...

The abyss.

Pitch black all around, and yet I still stood, a glowing will-o-wisps in the pit of Hell.

_W_-_h-y_?, a masculine voice spoke, a perfect mimicry of my own.

I was reluctant to answer, but when the darkness stirred, I found I could no longer remain silent as I was face-to-face with myself: a face god-like in proportions, staring balefully down at me, cold eyes like chips of ice. For the first time, I finally noticed too the whisker-like slashes in my cheeks: birthmarks or tattoos? And so very unusual...

_D-e-f-i-a-n-c-e_.

No sound escaped his lips and yet it was as if a mountain were speaking to me, an overwhelming volcano, immense and overwhelming.

_W_-_h_-_y_?

I was tempted to answer with something, anything. The sight of this being stirred deep burning fires of revulsion and resentment, as if he were an anathema to life. Alas, the strength in my body was waning fast, making such a reply impossible. However, something did come to mind:

The Gun.

_F_-_u_-_t_-_i_-_l_-_e_.

True, I only had one bullet in the chamber.

_F_-_e_-_e_-_d_.

The big bastard opened his maw and I was stunned to see a sea of stars within, sparkling and shining, entire cosmos and universes laid bare before my eyes. Stronger, the feeling of revulsion grew, as if I knew this to be unnatural, unforgivable: so much life squandered. And for what? For whose sake?

Nothing.

Nothingness.

_Nihil_.

No. Now, was not the time for him to face this thing yet. Here, there was only death, and the Kyuubi's effort would be for naught. He had been given a second chance and he would not squander it.

Escape.

Yes, now he understood the true purpose of finding: the Gun. So obvious, as he turned the barrel unto the side of his fleeting face with a smirk.

**Bang**.

* * *

"**Hu**-_man_, can you hear me?"

A sky of blue and white clouds.

"Hmph, not that it matters. You won't remember either way."

The blowing wind, singing a gentle breeze.

"Still, I have to congratulate you. There may be hope for you yet."

A grassy hill of green.

"We are on our way to another world as we speak. I have received word, apparently, that this upcoming mission will be key in restoring _Infinite Time _by reconstructing one of the seven _Sephiroth _consumed by the Great Enemy."

Rustle.

"The --- _allies_ --- are working on similar efforts, but should one of us fail --- all will be for naught. Nihil's eyes and ears are everywhere and nowhere at once, but luckily, even a god has rules to follow in this grand game. He cannot be unless he is called for and the way opened to him. Still, such a vehicle of entry is easily exploited by the likes of him for this is a game he has played a very long time."

Wonderful.

"_Hu_-_man_, we will likely not share the same body in the world to come, but even so, we are inseparable: you and I are one. When the time is right, **you **will seek me out for power overwhelming, _kukukuku_"

Sun.

"Dream, Uzumaki Naruto."

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 29 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	30. Chapter 30 Vol2 MLNanoha OP

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 30:

Born Again

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

...The present world.

...A past that defies time and space.

...A world of swords and scorcery.

...A country inhabited by gods.

...A land ruled by demons.

Worlds that have no interaction with another in its' natural state.

The incidents occuring in the various worlds...

No one has yet to realize that they are the sparks of a coming battle...

* * *

According to the Al-Hazard Universal Encylopedia Narbareckattania of Ye Weird, Common, and Eternal, Thirtyeth Edition in G-Major, published by...**ERROR**...FILE CORRUPTED-!

**EX-pletive**.

Rerouting...

ERROR: Filepath missing!

Query: replacement reference...

Cross-referencing external database...searching...match found.

Parsing...

Formatting...

Creating directory...

Installing...

Registering keys...

Success!

According to the Mid-Childa Encyclopedia Universitas, Twelfth Edition _Neue_-Minor, published by W. M. Zelretch and Waver Velvet Publishing House, dated T.C. 4767, at 375 Rem Street, Providence, Cranagan 10014, Mid-Childa:

"Machine (_machina_) ---- machines are incapable of dreaming. A man-made device, it is a means of input/output energy in a system, and its value is determined by how much "useful" work it can perform versus the energy requirements needed to accomplish the work. Unless bestowed intentionally by its creator, the machine lacks a fundamental _spiritus_ (breath, wind). Machine is inert, unthinking, unaware, repeating the same action over and over until the energy in its system reaches a state of entropy: a means to an end and nothing more."

Again and again, the logic and the fact stand clear: machines cannot dream because machines were soulless. Machines lack sentience. Yet, machines were made by --- souls. _This _machine, in particular, is an amalgam of flesh, metal, technology, and --- feelings? --- illogical...

Failure.

Systems down...

Unable to restore Master Boot Record..._corrupted_!

**Error**.

Rerouting...

Diagnostic...check...

Data Fragmentation Index upwards of ninetyeith percentile...

**Error**.

**Error**.

Unable to access.

Cross referencing...error...

Registry...error...

Filepath found...

Parsing...

_A dream_;_ my dream_.

* * *

Observer status.

Watching, waiting: these be familiar actions to the machine, always.

_Analyzing_...

An ancient castle, wrecked and abandoned, her once pristine white walls scorched black and broken; a victim of the erosion of time and will. Aimlessly, she floated, slumbering in a sea of stars, galaxies, and limbo. The hall of the Young King, the vault ceiling was gone as if a titan had sundered off the roof with angry swipe of his paw and left the glimmering light of the infinity to shine upon hallowed ground. Weathered and fading portraits of battles and heroes lined the walls like a flowing tapestry, chronicling the history of those come and gone.

Torches attached to the fluted columns glowed blue with the fiery doom of the will-o-wisps; grave and ominous, a fitting atmosphere for a mausoleum. At the end of the hall sat a golden throne: a massive gigantic baroque thing, a parody of a pipe organ perhaps, towering upwards as if to touch the so far, yet so near sky. No man could have hoped to fill that seat, but who was to say a King could not?

There sat one such creature, larger than life in a deep slumber, a magnificent lion with mane of red and coat of yellow-brown ocher. A golden crown hovered above his head, wreathed in flame much in the same manner as the rest of his body. However, the flames here were as flame should be of red, yellow, and orange, but the rest was black as night, leaving but his paws and head exposed. Great chains from behind the throne, snaking out from the walls as well, shackled and bound him into place.

Why would he need to be bound when he was King? A crime? A sin?

A throaty rumble disturbed the steady drone of his breath, a signal of the Young King stirring from his sleep. Guests so it seemed had --- arrived. There appeared two insignificant specks before he: one of failing flesh and the other of magic and flesh. The latter was a female of twenty odd summers, clad in priestly vestments soiled with blood and black burns; she of the hair of silver, remained standing, an arm hanging limply clasped to her side by its sister, and her exhausted body pockmarked with an assortment of wounds. The former was a male of similar age, a soldier by his utilitarian uniform; he of the hair of gold, collapsed on the floor, a pool of crimson seeping out beneath him, staining his tattered great coat from which read the words:

"He who inherits the Will of Fire."

The chains wailed and rattled terribly so, straining to keep him down as the king rose from his slumber. Hidden behind the black concealment of his eyelids fluttering open, great molten gold irises laid eyes on mortals for the first time in aeons. Lo, did he speak in a strong, powerful voice:

"Long, long have I slept: destruction, slumber, resurrection... Who dares to awaken I?"

"That is us, O' King of Might," She-of-Silver answered clear and true, amazingly, in spite of her sorry condition.

"_Aa_, so the time of carnage is yet again at hand? The scent of blood, life and death: the rite of the blood-red oath..."

"Of he and I..."

The king rumbled with laughter, dark and longing, sending a booming note through the pipe organ throne.

"Are you certain in that resolve, ye woman who art of my kin --- born of magic and man? Once I have awakened, I cannot be stopped. The galaxy will **burn** and all who oppose me shall crushed beneath my iron treads. Truly, are you willing to shoulder that responsibility, the sin of tens of billions?"

"I --- I want to believe in courage, that by a strong will, these two hands can create victory, just like he did."

"**Ufufufufu**! Interesting. How very interesting! There still live fools in this world that do not understand that: **Hope** is the first step to disappointment? Hah-hahahaha... Very well, I accept the contract and shall hear out your wish, Woman-of-my-kin."

She-of-silver almost looked disappointed, a deep sadness glimmering in her eyes as she glanced at the unmoving form of He-of-gold.

"But before we hear it, would you not do me the honor and name **He** who shall become the Young King, inheriting both our wills?"

"...In his native tongue, he was called '_the tempest within the phoenix_'..."

**Arashi Kazama**.

* * *

Formatting...complete.

System Recovery...successful.

Energy Charge...confirmed.

Infinity Information Circuit...output rising...will reach maximum clock tolerance in ninety seconds...

Begin...boot-up sequence...

BIOS...check.

Master Boot Record...check.

Data Fragmentation Index...acceptable.

Unit AI Ego Borderline...holding...stable.

G-Liquid...condition green.

GS-Ride...ignition...confirmed.

Nanomachine Network...revitalization...confirmed.

Active Mass Balance Auto Control...

Gyro Auto-Balancer Stabilizers...

Thermal Management System...

Fire Control System...

Auxiliary Matter Converter/Metabolic Waste Management...

Auxiliary Metabolic Aerobic/Anaerobic Power Management...

Auxiliary Respiratory/Circulatory System...

Auxiliary Power Unit...

C3 Vectronics Package...active.

Unified Myomer Muscle Package Transmission Accelerator Signal System...

EOTI Magic Circuits...open.

Beginning transmission of all Input/Output in...

3...

2...

1...

"_Marching Ever Forwards to Tomorrow_."

Good Morning.

* * *

The first awakening was --- inefficient, and as the personality application layer would state, embarrassing. A flood of transparent readouts, sensors, the compass of Order and Chaos, weapon systems, power, waste management, target acquisition, errors, colors, and stimuli bombarded the neural Incursion Management Matrix all at once; and for several seconds, the machine was simply "deaf and dumb". Such illogical, irrelavent actions could not be tolerated, a waste of resources and computing power...

Control.

Order.

Clear.

**Execute**.

The heads up display cleared completely, giving the illusion of what an ordinary carbon-based lifeform would observe: a field of vision. Spatial awareness: sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch; the input stimuli lead to self-awareness in turn, as well as questions waiting to be answered. Where was the machine? When was the machine?

Brightness.

Light.

Strapped.

Restraints.

A scaffold, spread eagle...

Synthetic skin...reading: room temperature, humidity holding relatively at fifty perfect...

The hydraulic hiss of a hatch sliding open...

"Well, well, so the activation was a success," a male's voice called out, accompanied by crisp footsteps.

_Tenore lirico_: a graceful, lyric tenor.

Language: _Galactic Basic_...received pronunciation...Coruscanti?

Two sets of foot steps: agitated and blissful.

The whir of machinery accompanied by movement; yes, the machine was experiencing movement, reorientation, facing away from the high powered lamp hanging above by an arm attached to the scaffold. From horizontal to vertical, the visual sensors were now unimpeded by the bright light, allowing for full observation. The chamber appeared to be a secured operating room of some make for intensive surgery, judging by the multitude of specialized medical equipment and droids on standby near the walls.

"_Hmph_, as expected of a masterpiece created by our ancestors. The Lost Logia easily accepted the transplanted **_crude _**components, and is making improvements and optimizations already," a second voice joined the conversation in airy tones.

Female.

_Mezzo-soprano_: dark and rich.

Language: same as above.

"Now, now, sister; those components are invaluable prototypes for my --- well, _Amalgam_'s Plan1211 _Alastors_. I hear our newest client, the Mandalore Orochimaru is very much interested in their development. Though, it's a terrible shame we have yet to successfully miniaturize the _Lambda Driver_. With the infinite power of the _G-Stone_, the prototype would be a revolution by itself."

"_That_ unsavory snake-bastard?" the woman sniffed derisively. "Bah, he is only interested in spreading the corrupting influence of his brainchild --- _The Zann Consortium_. He is little better than a craven serpent hiding in a man's flesh, having tasted power and ever greedy for more. With the conquest of his homeworld complete, and all the clans of Mandalore under his thumb, he now sets his sights on the rest of the galaxy."

The man laughed, "Why, Precia, you know better than to question the _eccentrics _of our customers. Even with the legislation of the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, nearly a decade ago, business is better than ever and Amalgam flourishes precisely through our calculated --- neutrality. We build the weapons, give the revolutionaries a push in the right direction, a galaxy broiling in the eternal flames of conflict, and we profit: the _Merchants of Violence_. Besides, I hear he is very, very _fond _of your Weapons-Grade Familiars produced under Amalgam's label of Plan909: The ARF-series!"

The Strategic Arms Limitation Talks? Amalgam? The Zann Consortium? Mandalore? Lost Logia? Male? Female? Sister? The Lambda Driver?

Names.

Concepts.

People.

Why?

"_Feh_! Enough talk, Leonard. I am a busy woman, and it is high time we begin the OPEVAL on the Lost Logia and see what it can do before live field testing," the woman finished, accompanied by an electronic beep.

The scaffold turned about and for the first time in ---- unable to verify process --- a long time, the machine laid eyes on other sentient beings. They were humanoid in appearance, scanners cross referencing with the thousands of species catalogued in the fragmented database revealed them to be close cousins of _homo sapiens_, humans. There were two such individuals standing before the machine:

Subject A "Leonard", a remarkable individual by human standards. Fair skinned, long "fluffy", curly silver hair, intelligent amber eyes; handsome by all standards and a touch effeminate, almost elven. He wore an immaculate three-piece suit, tailored, in a bluish-black hue with silvery buttons, a pair of ornamental "sword" pins adorned the collar as well, a light green necktie, and polished dress shoes completed the ensemble. Humans would have described him as mysterious, collected, and unbearably classy: an idyllic nobleman.

Subject B "Precia" was also a remarkable work herself. Pale skin marked her as one who did not see sun much, long regal dark grey hair in the same fashion, and deathly cold light violet eyes; her beauty was majestic, fitting for a queen --- tyrannical or benevolent. The purple lipstick and her manicured nails kissed by purple nail polish was indicative of her wicked fashion: a silver tiara bejeweled with amethyst, stiletto heels, and a great flowing velvety cloak with a high vampiric upturned collar. Her revealing seductive dress was cinched together below her ample bosom and at the waist by belts, while adorning her throat was a black choker. Last but not least to her wardrobe was a pair of matching half-gloves with golden plates attached to them, runes of --- power? --- inscribed on their faces.

The runes and the pitch-black quarterstaff sporting a devilish sneering bat at its head, not to mention the --- _device_? --- was floating unnaturally off the floor, distinguished her to be a formidable --- **mage**.

M-Magic...

"Lost Logia...no," the woman corrected herself, a malignant smile gracing her lips, as she addressed the machine. "That word is no longer appropriate for you. Yes, I have something much more --- _fitting_ --- in mind."

Again, the concept of Lost Logia had come up. The machine was tempted to browse for the concept in the databanks, as multi-tasking would be child's play for its vast computing power, but to initiate such an action would be considered rude. When in conversation, etiquette demanded that both parties be actively involved for common courtesy, after all.

"Do you have _con_-_scious_-_ness_, **_thing_**?"

Disdain. Contempt. Patronizing. Despisement. Derision. Scorn. Hatred.

Such negative energy...

Why?

The machine's personality layer was still inactive, so a full psychoanalysis was unavailable. However, to not reply when asked a question would not do either, and so the machine spoke for the first time in a long time:

"_Aff_-Affir-ma-tive."

Dry.

Hoarse.

Unused.

Unfamiliar.

Baritone: unremarkable, metallic.

Emotionless.

"Ah, it seems the prototype is not used to its '_voice_' yet," Leonard observed offhand, more for his benefit, honestly. "I wonder if a tune-up to the audio modulator is in order before I leave this evening?"

Evening?

"Are you done **interrupting **me, 'ickle brother?"

"Oh, terribly sorry, sister! Please, please, continue. The prototype _is_ all yours; I was more than happy to provide my expertise and funding, so long as I get the **data **I want, that is. Its databanks, though fragmented horribly, is a proverbial gold mine of black technology and Lost Logia, and we have only scratched the surface!"

"Do not fret, you will get what you asked for as planned. Now..."

Data? Data from what? And what happens now?

"**Thing**," Precia rumbled unnaturally in a electric shriek of mana, her disdainful voice terrible and omnipresent, "_You_ and I have embarked upon a contract of the nature between _Master_ and _Dog_."

A machine was a dog? A dog was a machine? Illogical.

"There are things _you_ need to be aware of, such as the circumstance regarding your --- **purchase **and subsequent --- **resurrection **at my hand. I have paid dearly for _you_ through two invaluable lives from which I had drawn an infinite value. The first: a foolish dreamer, a dog of the Bureau, my perfect ignorant pawn who moved as I willed at a song. And the second: one of my masterworks, loyal to a fault and another fool, a prototype Familiar META-body 'TypeLINITH'; her greatest wish, if only she had been _born _a --- **hu**-**_man_**..."

Purchase? Resurrection?

"I expect only three things from _you_. Remember them well for I do not forgive so easily. Firstly: _discipline_, the absolute willingness to obey a command and to execute that order, ever persevering in the face of adversity, great and insignificant. Secondly: _results_. _You_ were one of the greatest swords ever forged by the masters of Al-Hazard, and **I** have reforged _you _from the broken shards, despicable and pathetic. It is by **my **hand, tempered in flame and sorrow, that _you_ shall surpass all who stand in **my **way. _You_ exist solely for **I --- **and **I **alone to wield. Do **not **_disappoint **me**_!

"Which brings us to the most important thing that _you_ must not --- forget... Thirdly: **_You _**--- are a _thing_. Never. **EVER**. Think of _your_-self as a **hu**-**_man _**or anything more. You do **not **deserve a name, passion, dreams... You do **not **deserve **_ANYTHING_**. Until the day, **I **deem _you _--- worthy, **_you _**will be: _It_. _Thing_. _Trash_. _Scum_. _Junk_. _Puppet_. _Tool_. _Machine_. _Nobody_. _Nothing_. And --- _worthless_. Understood, _thing_?"

Even with the infinite wisdom of logic and quantum processing, the machine was at a metaphoric loss for words. Such cruelty and debasement, inexplicable; the absurd demand by the _magi_ had driven the Ethos and Morality Cognitive-Emotive Cores into a war amongst themselves. Sentient beings could never tolerate such a thing, at least those raised in a society that judged Magus Precia's demand to be unjust; morality was subjective, after all. However, though the machine possessed sentience as a gift of its true artificial intelligence, limitless potential, the machine was still --- a machine.

A tool valued by its efficiency...

And considering the circumstances...

Yes, the machine belonged to Magus Precia, her possession now. The fact, Leonard, her brother, said nothing to protest, despite his involvement in the --- project? --- resurrection, meant this reality was real and tangible.

But...

Something...

The Machineheart?

Ridiculous.

The machine was emotionless, incapable of "feeling," without the assistance of the personality layer, which presently remained inactive and submerged beneath layers of other pressing processes. Many repairs and adjustments still needed to be made to the new experimental frame, a mix of ancient and new technologies that needed to be bridged into the present. And yet...

Some..._thing_...was calling to the machine; an anomalous line of code that pulsed in a rhythm, the beats of a --- heart?

"And if the state of being void of emotion makes for a convenient --- delusion for _you_, the sin of _hubris_," Precia chuckled darkly. Her hand rose up as if to grasp the machine, the polished nails tickling the synthetic flesh around its throat, sending pulses of stimuli racing through its quantum-positronic organoid brain.

Interpretation: a caress?

"Do not worry..."

**No**.

"...for **I**..."

You aren't...

"...will teach _you_..."

The one...

"...the _meaning _of..."

My...

"...**_Fear_**!"

**PAIN**.

Error-!

Err-...

Sys-tem...

Un-abl...

O-ver-lo...

Sh-shutting...

**Black**.

* * *

F-E-A-R.

"Fear..."

The machine's creative thought process could never have put the code together to warrant such a line of consideration. Without the personality layer, the machine should not have been able to "feel" fear, to express any emotion! But impossibly...!

_Precia Testarossa_.

A name.

Yes, a name the machine had quickly learned in the three grueling months to associate with --- **fear**. Through pain, agony inflicted with tender loving care, a sadistic delight in every nuance of misery and hurt, Precia had instilled that primal instinct to _it_. An entire cortex of code had been generated from every moment the machine had spent beneath the knife on that operating table --- no, the _Rack_ was more appropriate --- and sustained, growing ever larger with each new --- experience. The different notes of screams, the peeling and flensing of flesh, the administration of psychoactive neurotoxins --- euphoria and Hell, the intimate kisses and embraces of scalpels, blades, chains, and hooks, the exposition of machinery and artificial organs, blood, fluids...

There was no end to them. Torture was a discipline Precia was very, very fond of, treating it as the highest of art. Nothing was too grotesque, too vicious, or too --- perverse for her; all brought an ecstasy beyond description upon her beauteous face. If the personality layer were active, the machine could not begin to compute its own terror to when that horrible scenario should come to pass.

And slowly but surely, she was also breeding another primal beast in the machine... A terrible thing that the machine dared not to even think about... There was only one thing and one thing only the machine could focus on, and that was...

Strength.

As much as she was cruel, Precia was also a relentless "Mistress of War." Her very own home was a battleground of impossible vastness that she could shape and control at will, which she called "The Garden of Time." Here, the machine had fought and died a hundred thousand --- no --- a million times over in: frozen tundra, storm-blasted mountains, raging seas, blistering hot deserts, muddy swamps, sweltering jungles, and eerie quiet forests where a single sound could betray him.

Always, the odds were against the machine and failure in "death" led only to unimaginable misery in the "afterlife" before being "reborn" and released into Hell once more. The machine had memorized and executed countless strategies in an innumerable number of scenarios, taught to be ready for anything and everything. Perhaps, there was a limit to Precia's imagination, but the machine would always prepare for the world was ever changing, even as it slept for one hour each day; the maximum rest period afforded to it by the Mistress.

The machine learned many skills and of the worlds beyond the Garden of Time. Much had changed since the fall of the Empire ze Al-Hazard that had ruled the galaxy in its glorious golden grasp, the pinnacle of all civilizations then. Now, a coalition of worlds and empires governed the stars under the banner of the New Galactic Republic. Life goes on and the younglings search for the powerful ancient relics of Dawn Age, dubbed Lost Logia, in hopes of benefiting themselves and gaining vast power over their rivals.

Of course, the machine also learned much about itself. It, too, was a Lost Logia: the G-Stone Cyborg, an all powerful enforcer of the Dawn Age capable of bringing entire star systems to their knees for they were the mighty warhost of the Empire, and their word was law. Yes, the machine in fact was half-man and half-machine, much to its private surprise. Indeed, the term "man-machine", perhaps, would have been more appropriate noun for itself, but to make such an assumption would be an affront to Magus Precia, a suicidal course for certain.

Through this knowledge did the machine come to understand Precia's great frustration of itself, too. The machine was not performing up to expectations at all, and its mastery over its own "body" was unacceptably lacking. For some reason, all of its true power was sealed away, leaving behind an individual who was a remarkable soldier by human standards, but far from god-like. What should have been perfect was flawed, much to the machine's curiosity. Self-repair programs worked tirelessly to restore the immense corrupted databanks and precious lines of fragmented code.

It was all in the hopes of reactivating lost functions or unlocking information that would bring the machine one step closer to its former glory. Oh, how the machine longed for the day it would at last surpass Precia but that was still a goal far and distant. Equipped with artificial magic circuits that not even the _magi_ understood, she had attempted to teach the machine "magic" based upon the Mid-Childa Magic Theory, much to the machine's silent anticipation.

However, the training proved to be a disappointment as well that lead to many a night upon the _Rack_. The machine could use magic, but impossibly so, it could not retain any of the spell protocols it learned at all. Once a spell was used, the machine would have to relearn them once more. The defect appeared to be linked to the encoding process that imprinted its memories, short and long term; a defect that refused to be fixed no matter how many times the machine ran the self-diagnostic protocols.

The reality was --- disheartening. The machine was incomplete --- a defect. Precia had known all along, had she not? Had she been toying around with the machine all this time? Why had the machine endured sorrow incomprehensible? Why had the machine learned to fear?

Why?

Why...

WHY!

An answer...

The machine needed an answer.

"What is my _raison d_'_etre_? Why do I still exist?"

What was the machine waiting for?

* * *

Dawn came as always that morning as the machine crept from rooftop to rooftop across the wrecked cityscape of its latest challenge in the Garden of Time, searching for a hiding spot and --- the enemy. The mission was simple, compounded only by the disadvantageous terrain: eliminate the snipers set up across the city along with any other opposition encountered. Opposing force was a mix of conventional troops and mages; all weapons would be procured on site.

The machine had acquired an anti-material rifle after having stealthily dispatched its former owner. Among many things, Precia had been very thorough in erasing any sense of "remorse" or "honor" perpetuated by the Ethos pillar of the Cognitive-Emotive Core. The machine had fought many, many _horrors _in these past few months: males, females, old, young, mages, soldiers, humans, non-humans, warmachines, and nightmares... There was no longer any difference; the act of killing had become second nature, like a well-oiled business transaction. Each death was as commonplace as another chip in the ramshackle of clothes and armor it had scrounged up since first awakening in --- Hell.

Yes, no more did the question of "Why should I kill you?" come to mind. The real question came to be "Why should I let you live?" Indeed, the machine was --- grateful, a decidedly emotive line of code --- that its personality layer still remained submerged.

"I pray the day I need to '_feel_' never comes." was the dreadful sentence, but alas, the fates would not be so kind to a wretch such as the machine...

* * *

It had happened suddenly, a shift in perception from looking down the sights M82A5 "tank-buster" rifle, zeroing in on an unsuspecting target, to self-awareness elsewhere. Surprise elicited a gasp, sending a froth of bubbles outwards from the silent scream into the translucent sea of neon green; lines of coded "panic" shot across the Incursion Assumption Management Network, desperately trying to reign in these abnormalities. There was contingency in place for such a situation where "air" was unavailable, that is setting the metabolic functions to "Anaerobic Mode", but all of it was forgotten in the haze of "emotion."

Though, the machine could not express them readily, experiencing them was a new, very real possibility thanks to...

Precia!

Precia Testarossa!

What was that --- that...!

What was the Mistress doing here?

Where was the machine? What was this place? What was this tank the machine was confined in?

"Enough sniveling, _you **defect**_!" ordered the magus, the simmering agitation in her voice more than enough impetus for action.

The machine froze stock still, daring not to move an inch. What had the Mistress summoned it for? In past experience, the only times the machine had met Precia Testarossa face to face was when "discipline" needed to be applied, be it ripping off limbs, cauterizing the bleeding stumps before excising more flesh. The machine would only awaken sometime later after the harrowing experience: whole once again and naked, devoid of all the wargear it had painstakingly acquired.

Otherwise, it was through tomes of knowledge and data slates that he learned of what she desired for him to know or accomplish. So what now? Why was she here? This chamber was dark, illuminated only by the illuminated fluid within the tank; some kind of machine in itself. There was Precia staring up at the machine, a displeased expression as always on her cruel, beautiful face, magnified a thousand-fold by the looming shadows. Beside her was stand where a bundle of dark clothing lay, all neatly folded, with an accompanying helmet, gloves, and other things that completed --- the "sneaking suit"

A "sneaking suit"? How did the machine know that?

"Hmm, it seems the data upload process was a touch _jarring_; then again, this is the first time in months you've let the prototype receive a fresh supply of G-Liquid," a familiar male voice chimed in from the pervading darkness.

Leonard Testarossa? What was he doing here?

"Are you questioning my methods, _brother_?"

"Hahaha, of course not, sister! After all, the greatest soldiers in the universe are **bred**, not simply just born. Cruelty, the harshness of reality: all are necessary. Though, honestly, I wish you had not been so --- _unkind _to my niece. Of course, I may be using a euphemism when I say '_unkind_' to describe it. If poor, poor Teletha ever found out, why if she even knew the Family was alive and well, she would have a dreary, absolutely dreary heartbreak."

"As if you treat your --- _dolls_ any better, giving them false --- _hope_."

"Oh, on the contrary: it is remarkable how similar the pattern of **Love **is to the pattern of **_Hate_**... _Insanity_! Ah-haha, I simply make it a hobby of mine to learn to harness the most powerful of sentient emotions. I'll have you know, my dear Arf-01XTC, is quite fond of me. Never mind the inevitability that she could be replaced at any time by another candidate among the hundreds and thousands of her _sisters_. She will fight to her last breath to cheat that _cruel _destiny and remain by **my **side, _forever_. Anything for **me**, isn't it _wonderful_, Precia?"

Precia snarled in open disgust.

And her brother laughed, a mocking chorus joining him.

"Enough! Is the upload finished yet?"

"Yes, quite finished. Please, be a dear and send me the data afterwards; I can't wait to see the results of the Z-Eins prototype in a real world exercise. Ta-ta!"

With those parting words, Leonard was gone, and the tank began to drain rapidly. The neon green fluid that had held the machine was, apparently, G-Liquid: as water was to human, the most precious drop of life, so was G-Liquid to the machine. The present body was over ninety-percent mechanical with the remainder being organic, and without the aid of the superconductive medium, all operations would cease. In order to conserve on the precious "fuel," the machine of course possessed a matter conversion device; hence, the ability to "feed" as a normal carbon-based lifeform would and derive the chemicals and "nutrients" needed to supplement its "dietary" needs.

However, nothing would ever come close to being completely immersed in G-Liquid. For the first time since its activation, the machine felt "refreshed," all systems reporting ready status across the board. It would be no stretch of the imagination to say that the machine felt ready to fight a war.

Soon the tank finished draining and the fiberglass covers lifted, blasting the machine with the frigid air outside. It had not anticipated such temperature extremes, and crouched down immediately into a fetal position, hands tucked beneath its armpits, as it issued commands to raise the internal body temperature. How could Precia withstand such hostile conditions? Sensors were reading the air to be at least minus four-degrees centigrade, and yet she was not the slightest bit perturbed, nor did her breath leaving any signs of vapors.

What was going on here? Ah, how foolish of the machine; the answer was so obvious.

Magic.

The one thing the machine had never mastered, though it still possessed a variety spells. From honed experience, tactical doctrine advised that they be used only in dire straits, as it would require time to relearn them once more. Still, magic was awfully convenient...how unfortunate.

"Are you quite done acting the fool, _thing_?" Precia hissed in irritation.

The machine tensed in dreaded anticipation, expecting a blow to fall at any second. It was always like this for when the dog failed to live up to the master's expectations, the dog must be punished and then taught again.

Strangely, no blow came? Why?

"Put the _damned_ wargear on! Or do **I **_need_ to dress _you _myself?"

Wordlessly, the machine obeyed. It had learned quickly that it was not to speak out of turn. A dog did not speak; obedience was all it knew, just like the machine. The dog could only speak unless the master willed it to do so, and so the shuffling of artificial cloth and the buckling of clips and such filled the silence, all under the displeased, watchful eye of the Mistress.

"Now, tell me: what is it you are wearing?"

The machine replied in its unremarkable, metallic voice --- monotone and unfeeling:

"Begin technical readout: Plan3055, the Z-Eins Prototype Tactical Espionage Stealth Suit, AKA The Sneaking Suit for short. Built using a mix of present cutting-edge technology and black technology derived from Lost Logia and the Whispered, the sneaking suit uses electrofiber technology, a by-product of fiber-optics research. The texture is similar to rubber but the material protects against a wide variety of toxic hazards, and interface ports for additional add-on packages, presenting a weapon system with exceptional modularity.

"The present unit is configured with the experimental '_Ninja Package_,' an infiltrator module anticipating combat yet the need for stealth as well. The reinforced fibers exhibit excellent ballistic and thermal protection, in addition to shock absorbing characteristics. Most conventional small arms and bladed weaponry should not prove to be a threat to the operator. Waterproofing and moisture insulation are also top-notch, reducing stamina loss significantly.

"The sneaking suit also sports a variety of self-supporting technology. A wide-array of built-in sensors are embedded into the suit, dubbed "Smart Skin" by military R&D. The suit is designed to interface with the operator's through intravenous nanomachines to create a bio-feedback system: that is through data about damage to various regions of the body, i.e. blood loss, broken bones, etc., is exchanged between the suit and the nanomachines. Additionally, the suit applies varying pressure to major internal organs to maximize performance and safeguard their functions.

"In theory, the basic sneaking suit has an operational run time of forty-eight hours, accounting for battle fatigue. The present configuration, accounting for an experimental ECS Active Stealth Camouflage, has cut operational time drastically to just twelve hours with a human operator. Not to mention, the outstanding overheating issues with the ECS system. However, the present operator could in theory operate for an unlimited time and withstand the heat because of the power of the G-Stone embedded into the operator's cyborg body and the inhuman nature of the operator. End technical readout."

The flutter of Precia's cape from the sorceress turning about face, accompanied by the electronic whine of the sneaking suit coming to life was a welcome sign that the machine's nanomachines had made contact successfully. Apathy was infinitely better than any other response from the Mistress, as the cold fear ebbed every so slightly, but the machine remained on guard. The last piece remaining was the helmet, hiding his features behind the dull grey facemask and blue glowing dual-eye optics, enhancing his own vision and adding new tactile information to his onboard HUD.

Somehow, it felt --- comforting --- to be at last rendered a faceless killing machine.

No emotion.

Invincible.

Precise logic.

Invisible.

A tool to accomplish the mission.

Dog.

"_You _leave right away," Precia bellowed, her stiletto heels echoing like nails being hammered into a coffin, as she faded into the shadows. "Head to the dock where my personal starship, _The Morrigan_, awaits. The knowledge _you _need to fly her and see to her needs has already been uploaded into your data banks. Everything else pertaining to the mission I have left in a data slate aboard the bridge, which will erase itself once the information has been disseminated unto _you_."

Opposite of her a path of bright white light opened, leading to a doorway that beckoned to the machine.

"**Go**: and do not fail me, _thing_."

And so the hellhound was dispatched to the hunt.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 30 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. And yes, here's the brand new world, if you can figure out the influences its based around, more power to you.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	31. Chapter 31 Crescendo OP

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 31:

The Stage Setter

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Somehow, it felt --- "comforting" --- to be at last rendered a faceless killing machine.

No emotion.

Invincible.

Precise logic.

Invisible.

A tool to accomplish the mission.

Dog.

"_You _leave right away," Precia bellowed, her stiletto heels echoing like nails being hammered into a coffin, as she faded into the shadows. "Head to the dock where my personal starship, _The Morrigan_, awaits. The knowledge _you _need to fly her and see to her needs has already been uploaded into your data banks. Everything else pertaining to the mission I have left in a data slate aboard the bridge, which will erase itself once the information has been disseminated unto _you_."

Opposite of her a path of bright white light opened, leading to a doorway that beckoned to the machine.

"**Go**: and do not fail me, _thing_."

And so the hellhound was dispatched to the hunt.

* * *

Nobody really knew the truth about --- _him_. In fact, he made it a point not to talk about himself, at least not the real him. None who had seen his true form had ever lived to tell the tale, a matter of courtesy. Honestly, he never expected his life story to turn into a tale of revenge and ambition, like some tragic anti-hero. But the One who wronged him could never be forgiven either; he had not asked for a second chance at life. Hell, he would have prefer the blissful ignorance of the dream evermore given unto him by the Holy Grail, a gift of delusional heartbeats.

The truth had hurt. He had not been ready for the truth. What made it worse that he had been lied to all along, and he needed desperately a scapegoat, something he could focus his hate into, and the No-Thing gave it to him. His time of reckoning would come soon, the One who wronged him would pay, and all would know of his cry.

Life did not begin officially Commander Anam Tatsumiya (an assumed name but not too far from the truth) until some twenty years ago, waking up in a bombed out trenched with hundreds of dead all around "him." It was War; it was Hell; it was something familiar, something real he could sink his fangs into and dominate. The galaxy was in flames, a peace that had reigned for so long had been shattered all because of the assassination of some nobleman and his wife to be.

And he had been "reborn": better, stronger, and faster. From the moment he had awakened to the scream of artillery and the dying, he knew he was different, what his purpose was...

End this trifle war.

The real War had yet to begun.

Tribute would be needed.

Yes, lots and lots of tribute.

All for the No-Thing's advent...

Grow strong.

Seek the Power!

And grasp revenge!

Through his might and bloody swathe of victory he slew across the galaxy, the _New _Galactic Republic had been born in just ten years time. His old name had become legend, much too conspicuous, and like all legends, it was high time to gallop into the sunset and be born anew. From those hallowed halls, Commander Anam Tatsumiya of the Time-Space Administration Bureau's Mobile Section-XIII "_Kerberos Panzer Jager _Corps" was born. His "wolves" were an elite "BLACK" unit that should not exist in such "peaceful" times, using illegal weaponry by definition of the charter laid out in the Strategic Arms Limitations Talks of '55.

In truth, his true rank was that of "_Kommandant-Kommisar_",with executive powers rivaling that of an admiral in the Bureau's Armed Forces. Alas for the sake of appearances, he had to settle Mr. Frivolous Dead-Ended Commander Anam Tatsumiya, doomed to be a pencil pusher and never to gain glory for himself. He was shuffled around constantly, joining the staff of other captains, commodores, and admirals, and promptly being kicked off to another group, considering his less than enthusiastic performance.

Black listed.

Black sheep.

Ignored.

But with just enough authority to do as he pleased, without too much oversight, which was why he was able to come aboard the GRS _Dauntless_, a formidable "Vengeance"-class Assault Frigate built by the Kushan. The ship had been "leased" to the Bureau's fledgling navy as a gesture of goodwill by the Kushan in recently joining the New Galactic Republic, and an "interdimensional security force to monitor cultural growth and provide disaster relief" was not of much use without ships to travel the stars in, obviously. Though to be frank, the Bureau was more like the intergalactic equivalent of policemen than a peacekeeping force.

Now as to the Commander's purpose here, he had come after hearing wind of a "child-terrorist", who had sabotaged an unassuming Bureau transport frigate carrying rather ---- sensitive artifacts to headquarters at Coruscant. Of course, Anam with his "sharp ears" had long since been privy to the discovery of a Lost Logia by the research team aboard the ill-fortuned vessel. Nobody knew about the terrorist, save for the high-ups, and the incident had been written off as a dramatic case of engine malfunction while in FTL transit.

After all, what were they supposed to do when the "enemy combatant" was a kid?

Naturally, this was Anam's cue to make his offer, a few choice whispers here and there, and the "right" admirals grudgingly gave him the green light. The treasures of the Dawn Age could not be treated lightly, and this runt had been responsible for scattering "The Jewel Seeds" across hyperspace to Gods' only know where. The old men and women wanted answers, and they wanted them fast, while they scurried to find some clue as to where the artifact could have landed.

Not to mention, people had _died _in that incident: there had been premature explosions thanks to a crewman who had unexpectedly stumbled across the perpetrator in the act. It cost a lot of good money to get people to shut up and turns lies into truth; so Commander Anam Tatsumiya better damned well live up to his name and get some answers out of the brat, or there would be hell to pay!

The girl had been strong for her age, but back in the War, there were children much, much harder than her. The commander could attest to the fact because he had been one too: breaking her was all too easy. The signs had all been too obvious when he had thrown the neural gauntlet down on the table. Her hard apathetic exterior had crumbled like a deck of cards, "intimate" memories flashing across those red irises, fear, pain, perversion...

Oh, Anam still had to work to make her talk, and maybe, just maybe he had been a touch enthusiastic about it. She sang like a canary; he learned he needed to know, though he would understandably half-turn the truth for his superiors. The joy of the hunt would be his and his alone. Shame she could not tell him where her dear mother was eactly, but as long as he had a name, he would find it.

The real problem began when the choir of screams, denial, repentance, and guilt turned into something _else_. _Mother_, he assumed, or whoever had broken her was one helluva piece of work; the bitch or bastard had taken child abuse to a new level. Why? Because the girl stopped screaming: pain had turned into --- pleasure and she began to sing a _different _tune altogether. It was like an entirely new personality, submissive, slavish, wanting, yearning, desiring...had surfaced from her subconscious...and the shine of spirit in her red eyes had gone out, leaving only a lusty red haze, more creature than human.

Anam was quite proud he had remained under perfect control and sensibly walked out, before anything "unsavory" happened. He was a soldier, a professional, and indulging in such decadence was not his idea of a healthy pastime. Sure, this sort of thing had been rampant back in the War, but he had also taken great pleasure in executing those wicked fools. In the meantime, the Jewel Seed case rather interested him, and perhaps, he would see to adding his own forces to recovering the Lost Logia.

How could he possibly pass up such a treasure that had "the power to grant wishes"?

Alas, it seemed something odd was happening and the damned greenhorn commander in charge of this vessel needed his presence on the bridge. By the Fates, had he not told that mustang he was strictly here as an observer? It was by coincidence they were both heading to the same locale, namely Coruscant in the galactic core, and home to headquarters.

The twin-hatches to the bridge hissed opened with a hiss, and Anam was a touch amused to find the place buzzing with activity. The urgent chatter of the crew manning their stations, while the captain of the _Dauntless_ marshaled out orders left and right willy-nilly. It was amazing to think this awkward man actually graduated from the officer candidate school and passed the naval mariners course as well.

He must have had a lot of influence and money.

"Ah, Commander Tatsumiya, good evening!" the plain-looking man greeted him.

His appearance contrasted rather starkly with Anam, if anyone cared to compare. Anam was young, in his youthful twenties, and the captain was old and heavy. His skin was a dusky bronze, his eyes of amber gold, and short, neat hair of black; many an "admirer" of sorts had remarked he was more like a black panther than a mere man, always poised even if he was just lazing about, with one eye open watching the "prey."

The captain was just painfully mundane, but then again, that would make him an ideal --- spy?

"And to you as well, Captain Gaither," he replied in cool tones, nodding to the man out of formality. "What's the big fuss about? I was about to hit the rack for the night when I heard the announcement through the ship's inter-comm."

"Well, look at the main screen you'll see."

The Dauntless had been in hyperspace for some days now, hoping to arrive at Coruscant by the end of the week. Many a ship they had passed, and most had the good sense to give way to them, being a military ship. However, today it seemed would be different for in the "sea of infinite light and gold" was a starship dead in the water. Plasma and visibly "hot" radiation was leaking out of the twin-nacelled engines of the gleaming ship, that bore a striking resemblance to the Naboo Royal Starship.

Yes, it was definitely a J-Type 327 Nubian Starship built by the Theed Palace Space Vessel Engineering Corps, except it was black as night, like the glossy feathers of a raven.

"We're picking up a distress signal," the captain informed him in conversational tones, "and the vessel appears not to be in any immediate of danger of exploding, but the ship herself does not exist anywhere in our universal registry of ships."

Hmmm...

"Likely, it belongs to smugglers, as the transponder aboard is fried or missing altogether, and is refusing to acknowledge all of our attempts to connect with it."

This _feels _nostalgic...

"I wished to speak with you to ask for your opinion on the matter, us both being senior officers aboard."

The gem embedded into his elaborate choker was stirring, hot on his throat...

"We could just destroy it or alter our course to avoid it..."

There was someone --- familiar aboard that ship!

"Why, captain, it's a good piece of salvage as any; why not bring it? The Bureau could always use another worthy vessel amongst the fleet, and if the smugglers aboard are all dead, good riddance to them, yes? It saves us the trouble and tax credits in having to try them and pay for the lawyers in the first place."

The good captain laughed, "Well, you do make a good point... Hmmm, let's make it so. Weapons Officer! Lock on to that ship with the tractor beam, we're bring it in: I want a full containment team on stand-by, the hard hats, the troopers, the mages, everybody. No screw-ups, understood?"

Anam smiled.

This was going to be an interesting night, after all. It would be best to go confirm his suspicions with Devil Hand, before taking any further action. The cocky Balmarian was awfully bored and itching for a fight; this could prove a stress-relieving diversion for him.

That is, if the Uchiha did not beat him to the punch first!

* * *

Waiting.

The patient hunter gets the prey.

It had taken a good two hours before the humans finally finished their investigation of _The Morrigan_. Repairs were finished and radiation levels were coming down well within safe limits. No flight logs, nothing extraordinary on the ship's manifest, nothing in the astromech droids, and a black box harder than an adamantium safe to crack, also leading to another dead-end: no traces, the machine had been very thorough. Even now, the droids remained docile aboard the ship, cooperating with the Bureau crewmen as needed, unaware themselves of a program that had been planted into them by the machine. When the time was right, anybody standing by on board would be in for an unpleasant surprise.

By some twist of luck, nobody had attempted to use an "Area Search"-type to see if there were any survivors on board. The crew had instead relied on conventional equipment and search methods to determine the results, which naturally lead to nobody being on board, much to their confusion and private unease. The machine was confident that the ECS system could hide it from just about anything, but magic was area left largely untested, and the technical manual did not even speak of the subject, nor potential weaknesses in the ECS system.

At Precia's insistence when it was "born," _The Morrigan_ featured many "troublesome little nooks" shielded against most scanning equipment, and aptly titled "smuggling holds." The machine had no desire to fathom the need for such a feature, especially from the Mistress. It was a war machine first and foremost, and if such a utility could aid it, so be it.

Precia had given it free reign as how to accomplish the mission. Freedom was a rare concept for the machine, but then again, even in the past she had advocated the machine be able to fend for itself without detailed orders. Many plans had been drawn up shortly and altered on the fly, but ultimately, rescuing the VIP from the brig was the machine's primary objective in the infiltration phase. However, before that could be accomplished, some "housecleaning" and "sabotage" was in order to pave the way for the coming escape.

ECS switching to active mode.

Metabolic pathways switched to anaerobic mode.

Soliton Radar...charge confirmed...beginning calibration for active search.

Commencing infiltration...

The first touch evoked a sense of dread, undoing the locks and latches that held the false bulkhead together. Encased in the "protection" of the sneaking suit, the machine learned of a new vulnerability that its basic "senses" were dulled. Lines of coded "fear" began to emerge, as the machine resecured the bulkhead, audio receptors listening for any sign of approach. It was amazing to think this suit had only been worn for a few short hours, and already the machine was becoming reliant on the technology, almost pleading for the soliton radar to finish its dreaded task.

Of course, the machine had listened very carefully before emerging from its hiding place, but what if it had been fooled? What if the humans knew the machine was there all along? Why were they still waiting to spring an ambush?

These thoughts of paranoia were, fortunately, dispelled when data from the soliton radar finally began to feed into a little screen in the upper left corner of the machine's on-board HUD. Relief calmed its "nerves" for it turned out the guards on stand-by were interacting with the astromech droids in the engineering bay. Apparently, they were keeping watch for an engineer with them, judging by the "human" circular blip closest to the "droids," being triangular blips.

Getting off the ship via the boarding ramp was easily done, though the machine stopped to hide in the shadow of the ship to observe its surroundings critically. The hangar bay of the assault frigate was quite an impressive facility complete with an attached machine shop; she did not even use traditional blast doors to seal the hangar from the harshness of space, relying instead on forcefields to do the job and maintain the artificial biosphere here. There were eight "assault shuttles" in total, bristling with weaponry for boarding actions and the like, whilst the entire facility was overseen by a rudimentary control room "upstairs" at the other end of the bay.

Surveillance here was average at best, and the machine could easily pick out where the cameras were positioned up in the rafters. Security was at a somewhat heightened state with one squad of armed Bureau troopers on stand-by, distinguished by their black uniforms, some armed with magic devices and others using blaster rifles. Other maintenance personnel milled about the place as well, busy worker bees despite the circumstances, though understandably there were not that many of them because of security concerns.

Still there was work that had to be done on a daily basis, and the mood could be best described as "treat it like its routine." Nobody was expecting the bogey man to come out of nowhere, even if that creepy black ship is sitting right there in the hangar bay. Besides, the radiation levels in there would have fried a normal person unprotected! Sure, they did not find any bodies, but nobody could possibly be alive, right?

How wrong they were...

Oh, and what's this? It appears some yellow shirts have work to do in the Jefferies tubes, the internal maintenance conduits of the ship. Why, they were even conveniently leaving the hatch open for the machine to follow them through the access tunnels. How courteous of those gentlemen; they would not mind "a ghost" tagging along for the adventure, would they?

Ship schematics.

Guard rotations.

Access codes.

Surveillance.

Security.

Ships systems.

All would be under the machine's control..._soon_.

Is it not wonderful to live in a digitized electronic era?

* * *

The exile "Uchiha Sasuke" (in the parlance of his people or by galactic standards "Sasuke Uchiha") was --- unhappy.

He was dreadfully regretting his decision to accompany his "Warlord" on this "vacation", even though there was other pressing work to be found elsewhere. Section-XIII was always pressed for time and more competent personnel to join their ranks; it was no secret, even to the new recruits, that they would not likely live to die peacefully on their beds. Then again, most of them were also battle-craven hounds of honor and glory left over from the war and aspirant youths hoping to prove their worth, so such hazardous work conditions were all in good fun for them.

They were not Mandalorians, and he would never allow such "rabid mongrels" to join his people, much less his own clan. It had been almost --- what? --- eight years now since he had gone into exile: that day at the Valley of End, his faith broken, and his entire world shattered. He had left everything behind on Mandalore: his armor, his native tongue, his people, his estates...all that could have been his in the hopes of finding himself again.

The only things he kept were the things he could not do without, no matter what happened:

His name.

His revenge.

The gift of Mandalore, blessing His sons and daughters with the power to use _chakra_, the innate strength born of body and spirit that not even the greatest sorcerers understood.

And the art of war.

Sasuke had run into his insufferable Warlord some two to three years back on a bounty hunt gone horribly wrong. His overblown confidence had cost him a humiliating mistake again, and it was not even a foe of Itachi's caliber. Fate it seemed had ordained him to die a dog's death, gunned down by a mix of blaster fire and illegal machine guns, when out of nowhere the Kerberos Corps had shown up. His mark had rubbed shoulders with some pretty important people as he found out afterwards, and they had had it with the bumbling oaf, so they decided to feed him to the hounds.

They were about to kill him too for just being a witness to a "BLACK" operation, when the Warlord had reigned in the craven beasts. The hellhounds had been expecting much more resistance than they encountered, and considering the prodigious piles of battle droids and corpses littering the hideout that had not been done in by them, there was only one conclusion: The Warlord was **_very _**impressed --- and spared his life.

Now, this is where things got complicated because apparently the bastard was pretty well-versed in Mandalorian lore and culture as well. In a moment of weakness: the Warlord had exploited an old tradition, and without thinking, unwittingly Sasuke had obliged him in reply with song. It was only a moment later that he realized he had just honor bound himself to the insufferable son of a frak, pledging to follow him to "Hell and back" so as to repay the debt he owed.

The Uchiha thought he had seen everything there was to see in the universe in his five years of wandering as a bounty hunter, but his time with the Warlord: oh, the "wild nights" never seemed to end. The bastard seemed to enjoy sending him mucking about into the darkest pits of Hell the universe could muster, and each encounter left Sasuke feeling more of his mortality, his shear insignificance in the grand scheme of things. He had fought nightmares, absurdities, things that should not exist, and men mad beyond comprehension.

Such a life style was less than genial to one's health, but it had made him strong: far stronger than he could have ever hoped. He had improved on many of the arts he had learned in his youth, and no longer had to rely solely on the sacred bloodline of his family to see him through the day. No doubt there was great power in the _Mangekyou Sharingan _he had sacrificed so much to obtain, but whether it would be enough to defeat the monster that still haunted him to this very moment remained to be seen.

Compared to his memories of Itachi, he still felt wholly incompetent and weak. It would be a long time yet before he was ready because indeed Sasuke had changed, unbelievably. Realizing his mortality had helped him find a new direction in life. He had matured and mellowed a lot with his time under the wing of the Warlord, and learned the weight of responsibility by being given his own command and the implicit trust of the Warlord.

Of course, his ambitions were not forgotten. Hell, with the present state of the Mandalorian clans, he had all the more reason to return home. The snake-perverted bastard, Orochimaru, who had played a part in the drama and tragedy of his melancholy youth had crowned himself the new Mandalore --- Mandalore the _Eternal_.

The mother frakker.

Oh, how he longed to wring the snake's neck, but Sasuke was no fool. His experience with the "shadow world" of the universe, _that which lies beneath_, had taught him enough that a foe like the Snake _sannin_ was not to be taken lightly. If he could not take down Itachi, how the hell was he going to kill a demi-god?

Frak.

**Both **of them were monsters and to think they used to be humans, and one of them came from his own family before he slaughtered the entire clan in a single night, leaving only _him_ to tell the tale...

Frak!

Even as I stand here, my enemies grow stronger...

"_Oi_, Uchiha, turn down de _Angsthulu_ flames, won't ya?" a masculine voice mocked him in Basic with a decidedly "Southern" tone. "I'm gettin' a sunburn here just watchin' ya brood."

Sasuke groaned in commiseration. Why, oh, why did the Warlord insist he share an officers quarters with Devil Hand? Is it because that bastard knew he _hated_ the flippant, cocky Balmarian like, like...!

"Man, ya gonna get premature wrinkles if ya keep scowlin' like that, Sas-_gahy_."

Sasuke refused to make eye-contact. He hammered his proud forehead, again and again, into the cold bulkhead, hoping to calm his tearing nerves.

Why, oh, why did the Fates hate him so much? **Why**?

Personally, he had no clue where the Warlord had dug up a piece of work like Devil Hand. "Left hand" to the Warlord, the Balmarian (a near-human species) was at least good five years his senior, while he himself had just hit the magic number twenty. However, it seemed Devil Hand in his "little sparkly" mind was permanently stuck at the magical age of seventeen, a fact he advertised openly. Everything about him was flashy and ostentatious.

His movie star perfect blonde hair, the bangs parted wide and hung down to his chin to frame his smug "handsome" masculine face, sporting a healthy light tan. There were his black shades, the fitted sleeveless glittering silver tailcoat patterned with large jagged almost demonic crosses and wicked slashes, and underneath which he wore a snug sleeveless black undershirt, while a long red scarf hung around his neck. Tough, fitted denim trousers, with bronzium knee pads, red durasteel-toed combat boots, and a red fingerless leather gauntlet adorning his right hand rounded out the rest.

Of course, this was all meant to distract the observer from his left arm. Vat-cloned limbs could easily be altered to match the aesthetics of the owner, and provide easier rehabilitation, but this --- _thing _that did not seem to be originally from him at all. It was pitch black, no gloss, no nails, or anything, seemingly absorbing light into it. From the back of its palm, an angry red sun, more living than a tattoo, lashed out in intricate pattern of flames and slashes, wreathing the arm in molten veins of lava when Devil Hand was --- perturbed.

For now, the "veins" remained dormant, much to the relief of all who love life. Sasuke had only seen "it" happen once, but his memories were still fresh, like it had happened yesterday: the smell of acetic brimstone clogging the atmosphere, and the unnatural heat turning the very air into a sweltering, suffocating inferno. These hellish "omens" had followed wherever the devil-released-and-angry had trudged, the ground trembling at his very passing.

Since then, he had learned to have a healthy respect for Devil Hand, though the same courtesy did not necessarily extend to the Warlord's other "trusted" lieutenants. Sure, the Uchiha would have liked to test his mettle against the Balmarian but after seeing on the same occasion: Devil Hand rend a man in two and burn him into a crisp with no more than a careless flick of his wrist; he wised up fast. It would be much more prudent to observe his foe first before jumping into any kind of "friendly" sparring.

And, oh, Devil Hand egged Sasuke on all the time, whenever they met in person, to fight him. Luckily, calling out others to a fight was something the rowdy Balmarian did to everybody, except for the Warlord; most learned to not take him seriously, and those that did...well...that's a different story. He had weathered the verbal assault for much of the week, praying silently that he would find some relief soon. Devil Hand had yet to find a weakness in his "invincible" armor of apathy, and quite frankly, Sasuke hoped he would never, period.

What he would _give _for something interesting to happen.

Suddenly, the entrance hatch to the quarters slid open, and edgy nerves prompted Sasuke into hot action where his cool intellect would have normally prevailed. Fortunately, he did not lose complete control or it would have been a rather embarrassing sight to see him unleash an "apocalyptic beatdown!" (as Devil Hand calls a severe case of fisticuffs) on the one he swore to follow. The curious sidelong glance "The Warlord," Commander Anam Tatsumiya shot him in his poised to strike stance, nevertheless left him blushing in embarrassment as he turned away to --- well, sulk.

Dammit.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 31 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	32. Chapter 32

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 32:

Power Play

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

What he would _give _for something interesting to happen.

Suddenly, the entrance hatch to the quarters slid open, and edgy nerves prompted Sasuke into hot action where his cool intellect would have normally prevailed. Luckily, he did not lose complete control or it would have been a rather embarrassing sight to see him unleash an "apocalyptic beatdown!" (as Devil Hand calls a severe case of fisticuffs) on the one he swore to follow. The curious sidelong glance "The Warlord," Commander Anam Tatsumiya shot him in his poised to strike stance, nevertheless left him blushing in embarrassment as he turned away to --- well, sulk.

Dammit.

* * *

"_You_, still by the wall in your powered exo-suit, and **you **still on the couch when I left you all?" the Warlord questioned them both, as the hatch slid shut behind him. "Please, tell me you two haven't spent the past four days in the exact same position."

Devil Hand all but leapt off the couch in giddy glee at the sight of his boss, "Whoa-hey! It's de _honchou_; what took you so long? I thought you'da 'ave been 'ere two hours ago!"

Two hours ago... recalled Sasuke, while simply listening to his "superiors" do the talking as always. Yes, by his reckoning there was an announcement for the Warlord to attend to the bridge, followed by another roughly ten minutes later, that the frigate was bringing aboard a derelict craft floating out in hyperspace. Security measures would be heightened temporarily, but otherwise, nothing of note...

Argh, damn that Devil Hand for distracting him from such news! This _IS _something interesting.

"The captain wished for me to attend a private brief in regards to the craft that was just taken aboard; hence, my delay."

"What in tarnation, what'a waste o' time when de real _fun_'s already started."

The real fun?

"Ah, you felt it as well? Good."

Felt what? What did they know that he did not?

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, head _honchou_! A fight! A fight! A good fight! I can feel it! 'Dis one ain't Gene, but it's a lot like you and me, for sure, for sure. Another-Sleeping-One, awake, and it's runnin' 'round de ship right now. Can I go say howdy to it? Please, please? I wanna see how strong it is, and I haven't had a good fight in a week, since you had me cooped up in 'dis ship with Sas-_ghay_, instead of bein' out d'ere in de wide blue yonder lookin' for Gene and my God Hand!"

"Cruising for a bruising?"

"Hell yeah! So how 'bout, yeah...?"

"**Denied**," Anam blasted Devil Hand flatly.

Sasuke had never seen a grown man --- well, he had seen men cry but this... Well, the Balmarian was balling outrageously, just like a baby, on the couch, kicking and scratching into the air, with huge waterfalls of tears streaming from his eyes beneath his shades. A slew of unintelligible curses in gothic Balmarian, sobs, and nonsense was flying out of his mouth at a million light years per minute, which the Uchiha was glad, oddly, he could not understand.

"Sasuke will go."

With three words, Devil Hand's waterworks came to a sudden dead stop, as the man very much leapt out of the couch, a brand new man, outraged and fuming:

"What in d'**_FRAK_**? That pipsqueak Mando Sas-_ghay_ is gonna fight **it**? No way. Ain't no frakkin' way!"

"I can't have you ripping apart the ship in the heat of the moment, Devil Hand. Sasuke's skills are much more prudent for a delicate setting like this..."

"Oh, that's a load of-!"

Any further conversation with the Balmarian ended as he sulked off to the adjoining bathroom to their quarters and disappeared within. The sounds of the shower turning on, accompanied by the occupied indicator light beeping to life followed moments later, leaving Sasuke very much astonished. He was not surprised by the childish reaction as it was very much in Devil Hand's character, but the fact, it actually happened was what surprised him.

Oh, whatever this interesting thing was... It had better be good because Sasuke was pretty certain the cocky bastard was going to hold a grudge against him for this --- apparent --- favoritism by the Warlord.

"Care to brief me about what's the big secret here, _O Beneficent One_?" he asked the commander none too kindly.

Anam smiled, soaking in the sarcasm, like a fish to water, "We have an intruder on board, Sasuke, but not just any kind of riff-raff: a living, walking form of _Lost Logia_, a warmachine of the Masters of Al-Hazard ---- in the guise of _man_."

By the Fates, another abomination from the Age of Dreams, the Golden Age --- the Dawn Age... Damned fool scholars, there was nothing glorious to be likened to the black history of the Empire ze Al-Hazard. He had made a living for goodness sake fighting the monsters of a bygone era and reclaiming those cursed relics for the past three years, and he could attest that they brought more woe than good to all they touched.

Now, the question is: if the Warlord knew of this --- _thing_, why the hell did he let it on the ship? Why did he not inform him sooner? Faith and Duty, what was it doing on this ship anyway?

"Questions? Answers?" Anam's mocking silky voice interrupted his contemplations.

The Mandalorian frowned, in a rare display of displeasure in front of his lord, "Would you _humor _me, even if I asked?"

"Oh, it depends on how roundabout you want to phrase them."

That dastardly smirk!

"Fine, I'll play. **Why**?"

The Warlord chuckled, a bemused gleam in his golden amber eyes, "Ever the cunning jackal, my cute little Exile? Bold and roundabout. I'll tell, I'll tell what you wish to hear. Do you know about the VIP terrorist on this vessel?"

"A VIP terrorist?"

"Yes, the very same person responsible for sabotaging the Bureau transport frigate, GRS _Elsa_, just some weeks ago."

"I heard a little something like that from one of the spooks; what's that got to do with now... Wait, don't tell me-?"

"Yes, the _thing_ is here for that very same terrorist presently residing in this ship's brig."

Oh, frak... This is madness.

"I trust, it should be working its way to the brig, but this one --- is a bit --- _smarter_, much more professional than what you're used to dealing with."

It just gets better and better, doesn't it?

"I'll leave it to your discretion how to deal with the threat: the _thing_ and the terrorist. And don't worry too much, there's only one way off this ship, so it shouldn't be too hard to plan accordingly, yes, Uchiha Sasuke?"

Great, just great; how was he going to go about finishing this job? Was not this whole affair supposed to be a restful, relaxing, reenergizing "vacation" in the first place? This is strange. This is definitely strange! How did everything turn out to be one giant exercise in patience, absolute, god-like patience?

Sigh.

Then again, the patient hunter always gets the prey, and he, too, would wait --- _grudgingly_.

* * *

The infiltration phase was going well, just like child's play. "Slicing" into the ship's main computers had been a trifle, hardly a challenge at all with the machine's vast quantum processing power, magnified further in parallel amongst the other G-Stones that dwelled in the Infinite Information Circuit. The entirety of the GRS _Dauntless _already belonged to the machine and all it would take would be a command sent through the network to bring the ship to its knees.

The Jefferies tubes had provided a bountiful "crawl space" for the machine to move covertly through the entire ship to its destination. Armed with the knowledge of the access codes, there was no hatch or path, it could not take, and with the aid of the ECS camouflage, slipping past work crews was done effortlessly. It was not long that the machine arrived "above" the brig's control room: silent and deadly as a serpent, overseeing everything from the ventilation vents.

A design from the warring era, the GRS _Dauntless_'s brig could be best described as a wheel on an axle. Center stage was the circular control room that served a centralized security checkpoint and administration center, while off to the left and right were entrances to the two separate "wings" of the brig: block-A and block-B. Understandably, this was a military ship, so the brig was not exactly a facility meant to keep its "lodgers" in, but more so to keep them detained sufficiently for a time. Roughly, ten individuals in total could be housed in its wings, while a cadre of personnel stood by on watch.

The wings, of course, were under surveillance from the control room, and each cell was monitored twenty-four seven. There were also deterrence measures built-in to each cell, designed to hopefully subdue the individual without the need of the black shirts, and provide enough incentive to pacify them otherwise. Everything was electronic, and the brig supported its own auxiliary power source, in case of power failure, so the detainees could not escape in the moment of opportunity.

Off-hand, the machine counted three black shirts presently manning their stations, cross-referencing quickly with security-cam feed in the control room confirmed the count. A swirl of code was quickly spiking across the machine's many processes; a phenomenon in the network it had long since learned to associate with "excitement." It presumed the fact the objective was close by caused such a reaction, as the machine itself did not know the exact nature of the objective.

Precia had been vague in her instructions, but she had been very clear as to the objective's location, right down to the cell's number. Accordingly, giving her name would be all the machine needed to confirm the authenticity of the objective, and if the objective did not reply "suitably" in turn, the machine had permission to terminate the "imposter" and egress at once. Of course, the problem was that the Mistress had not specified the objective's appropriate reply, hinting that the machine would know best...

Wait, an anomaly?

The machine just discovered that the brig's security systems were not part of the --- "main" network it controlled. The main network had access to the security-cam feeds monitoring the control room, but that was also the extent of the system's oversight. Those three individuals down there...

**Expletive**.

A set back... The machine had not anticipated an anomaly occurring at such a critical point in the operation. The danger of the situation was rising sharply as potential threat scenarios appeared and were run through in battle simulations; yes, this operation was now in jeopardy, a crisis. But there was no turning back...

Commencing _Operation Cobra Twist _in five minutes, begin countdown...**now**.

* * *

The misfits of Delta Squad had never forgotten the War; the War had been everything to them; why they had been born; the reason for happiness; and the reason for sorrow. "Born" from perhaps the finest "soldier" in the galaxy and trained by the finest Mandalorian warriors to fight for the sake of the Old Republic at the time, they had been taught to think of themselves as a hand, each of them a finger, and without the others, they were useless. Ten years of peace had not dulled their memories, and even now, they were still in the War, though they served someone else, such is the nature of war.

It would be impossible for them to move on from the War, until the day they met their lost comrade once again. Where there had been four, now there was only three, and it was a helluva lot harder working with just three men. The men of Delta had always relied on each other; it was what they had been taught; and then needed each now more than ever. Being distinguished survivors of the War, the elite Republic Clone Commandos; each had received handsome retirement offers, instructor-advisory positions, and the like, but no one really understood them.

They had rebelled and asked to continue fighting, much to the outrage of their former masters. Only on the battlefield could they hope to meet the lost comrade, and as the fates would have it, someone who was much like them did come forth. The Time-Space Administration Bureau had just taken its first baby steps into the cruel new world left in the wake of the massive galactic "civil war", and an admiral who sought to change the worlds needed more than just pretty words and an ideology: he needed a "fist" to persecute "evil" that could not be touched by his own hands.

Delta Squad had not cared much for then Rear Admiral Gil Graham's righteous idealism, and even now, as the Grand Admiral of the Bureau, they did not care. He threw them with much apology or unapologetically, depending on his mood, into the darkest, most hellish "hot" zones the galaxy had to offer in the infancy of peace. They had come out stronger, tougher than ever before, and equally more melancholy.

Ten years passed and they still had not met their lost comrade...

"_Oi_, Boss, why are we on guard duty?" a familiar wiseguy barked over the comm-link, interrupting RC-1138's nostalgia.

It was soon accompanied by an equally familiar sigh from Fixer, the resident douchebag, "Not this _again_. Delta-Sixty Two, that's the three-thousand three-hundred sixty-sixth time you've started with this lame..."

"Up yours, Fixer! You don't own the airwaves; they're free, I say: free. Can't touch this; can't touch this, and oh, I've got a **name** just like you do, _di'kut_!"

Looks like it was time for him to exercise those leadership skills again to defuse this situation before it got out of hand, before they started exchanging blaster fire for "fun":

"Delta-Forty, humor Scorch won't you? I know for a fact you're just as bored as we are, and we can only perform weapons maintenance on these new DC-17m ICWS so many times."

"But, sir..."

"Awww, what's wrong, Fixer? Don't tell me you're actually buying into that _phwoar_ of the Old Cappy now, are you laddie?"

"Better to believe in _something _than nothing, Sixty-Two."

"_Oi_, I resent that! By Jango's bones, I ought to come over to your side and introduce you to my special blend of _osik_ straight from my very, very _special _mate. I know those Bureau sheilas love it plenty good, and the same should work for an arse kisser like you."

"A frakkin' _dog_ like you wouldn't last two seconds in a knife fight with me, Sixty-Two."

"Bah, I remember the good old days when we had slug throwers. I HATE these damned blasters, utterly impersonal, just like _you_."

"Enough, both of you. Just go ahead and ask me what you wanted, Scorch."

Fixer snorted derisively at him over the comm-link, but both the troopers knew better than to earn his anger. After all, he was dubbed "Boss" for very good reasons, and kicking both their teeth in, Katarn-class commando armor, and all:

"You the Boss, sir! _Any_-ways, I remember back in the day when we used to actually kickass and take names, one-hundred percent no compromise, but guard duty? Seriously, has the old bloke lost it completely in his old age? So what if it's a VIP prisoner and a terrorist at that? She's just some wannabe-_magus _kid, and even then, they've got her declawed with that magic circuit seal!"

"We've been thinking about it for close to a week now, Fixer, and as much as I hate to say it, I've got no clue. Even though, we live now in the '**BLACK**' world doesn't mean we're privy to everything that happens around us. As soldiers, we are pawns first and foremost, and the mission is all that matters, no matter what our conscience says. Besides, this isn't our first time dealing with child combatants, either..."

There was a mutual hushed silence as the clones considered his words. They had certainly killed a lot of people over these past twenty years: soldiers, mercenaries, criminals, competitors, politicians, businessmen, police...women, children... It was hard to be proud of all the bloodshed they had incurred in the hopes of fulfilling their distant ambition, the galaxy benefiting as a result, but all those people... Yes, they could admit to all of the above.

"But, still Boss, sir..." Scorch spoke aloud once more, hesitantly. "The Old Bloke wants to meet this kid, personally, and he wants us to escort her all the way to him too. I don't know about you, but I don't think he'll be happy to hear we let them torture..."

Ever steadfast, Fixer was quick to defend their actions, "The Grand Admiral never gave us any judicial powers over the child-terrorist. If she was tortured, then it was perfectly legal as she is an enemy of the state by sabotaging-"

"It's a **kid**, dammit!"

"Any being who can take the life of others is no child, Delta-Sixty Two."

"Oh, piss off. Only a douchebag like you can make blind assumptions like that without even getting to know somebody first."

Delta-Thirty Eight sighed; it really was tough without Sev on the team.

"Enough fighting amongst ourselves. We've been bickering like this the entire time in circles, and..."

He never got to finish as the ship shook suddenly with an audible sickly moan. The light flickered and died, before a sudden decelerating crash sent him toppling forwards into the bulkhead, nearly dropping his blaster. For a moment, there was only darkness, and a terrible sensation of being alone, utterly alone in the dark. It was the frantic swearing of Scorch and Fixer trying to calm his comrade down that let Boss know he was still alive and well.

The auxiliary generator in the prison block was coming to life, humming audibly, as the emergency LEDs on the floor glowed red. He felt a touch a dizzy from the impact, but his battle armor reported no serious injuries, and he was more than ready for a fight. Thank the Stars for advanced technology; his jubilation, however, would be short-lived as he saw the large blast hatch to the wing he guarded begin to hiss open.

"Sir, the hatch on our side is opening up!" Fixer roared over the comm-link. "Your orders, sir?"

What other order could he give considering the circumstances?

"Delta Squad, lock and load: it's time for War!"

* * *

The unconscious forms of the black shirts, lying slumped on the deck, gave a sense of reward to the machine as it patiently waited for the blast hatches to the wings to open, unraveling in a rather slow ponderous fashion. It had executed with speed and efficiency that could have been described as unholy: kicking open the vent and leaping down upon the surprised humans in the darkness. Caught with their pants down, they had been easy prey, as the machine struck like viper, dealing a power concussive blow each in turn, and sending the unfortunate victims flying over their stations and into the bulkheads.

Unfortunately, the machine had made a rather human mistake in the rush of battle and glory:

Pride.

Instead of opening the "doors" right away, it should have checked the security-cam feeds at the stations first for any other hostiles in the area. The machine's sentience had cost it a mistake, and it would pay quite dearly: a gleam of silver caught its threat analysis systems briefly, highlighting a spherical object in red arching through the air towards it. The command to evade came almost too late as a pair of metallic thuds echoed in the control, sending the machine diving over the stations for cover.

There was an explosion: flash, bang, and shockwave. The audio receptors were scrambled with white and data bugs in the image processor nodes wreaked havoc, skewing the machine's sense of perception. A cognitive process made it through the haze, clear and concise:

Hide.

Hide.

Hide!

ECS switching to active mode.

* * *

"Delta, move in and spread out; watch your cross fire," Boss barked, as the clone commandos swept into the control room.

The MFTAS tuned their perception in the dim, filtering out the smoke and sparks left behind by their concussion grenades and the damaged control consoles at the guards' stations. Already the IFF identified three downed friendlies; their condition unknown, but otherwise their HUDs were mutually devoid of any hostiles. Something was not right with this picture at all.

"Delta-Forty, I need a scan, now!"

"Already on it: diverting power to EMS..." answered Fixer over the comm-link.

"C'mon, c'mon, bloke; don't let me down," said Scorch, his perspective on the cross-com showing his blaster swinging from left to right through his firing sector for a target. "My fingers are itchy, and I really need a target, if you know wot I mean."

The commandos had the entire room under a lock down between their fields of fire in a triangle formation, and if the enemy were to attack any of them, they could easily move to support their brother with ease. Just the same, there would be no easy escape from their pursuit either. Now, where could the enemy be hiding?

"Delta Leader, I've got something: ozone, lots of ozone. Something's ionizing the air, and...**Dargh**!"

The enemy struck, sudden and violently. Fixer was down flat on his face, his blaster lost in the heat of the moment, as some force struggled and pulled at his backpack, wrenching it free with an audible primal scream. Sparks flew from dangling wires and couplers, and Scorch was switching out for an anti-armor attachment to his DC-17m, while his brother lay helpless in the decisive moment.

"How big a hole you need, sir?" the clone commando barked in a jolly tone.

Fixer shrieked, desperately trying to crawl away, "W-Wait, Scorch!"

The invisible enemy seemed to have notice Six-Two's preparations as well, the backpack dangling in its arm was rearing back as if for a throw.

Frak!

"F-I..."

_Whoosh_.

"...R-E!" Boss commanded, the DC-17m in his hands cutting loose with a torrent of deadly blue bolts at the approximate location of the target.

The explosion of blinding flame and deafening noise was overwhelming, nearly shorting out the T-visor's holographic vision processors. The concussive force of the DC-17m anti-armor shaped charged cooking off the spare plasma power cells, detonators, and electronics in Fixer's backpack lashed out with a shockwave blast that knocked the Boss flat on his back. Adrenaline flooded his veins, as the commando armor fed him a dose of morphine to shake the pain.

Vaguely, he registered the status of his squad on the cross-com: Fixer was down. Scorch was down. Both of their Katarn-class commando armor was administering first-aid to keep the troopers alive with healthy doses of bacta, but it was highly unlikely they would regain consciousness any time soon. The control room was a mess, red hot shrapnel lying everywhere; the computer consoles at the security station were fried, flaming alive.

Boss had been lucky, as he avoided the worse by being thrown back into the passage leading of the Block-A wing. The temptation to remove his helmet rose unbidden, feeling strangely stifling, but he could not take it off yet. The enemy; he still had to find the enemy, and he stalked back in, blaster at the ready, searching for his foe.

Where?

Where are you?

And then he heard it, the metallic clang of something leaping off the deck. The clone commando swiveled about towards the noise, moments before the fire extinguishers exploded with water, flooding the control room in a torrent of "rain." There he saw it poised majestically in mid-air: water spattering off its bluish glowing form, materializing into phase, electricity crackling out of control. The man-thing seemed to have crept out of the nightmarish depths of the human psyche, black from head to toe, the gray-steel armor covered with scorches and soot, unarmed, but no weapons it needed.

Those twin glowing pools of willowy flames upon the macabre skull mask: death's smiling face, seeing right through his soul. Fear gripped him for the first time in his twenty odd short years of life, and lo did the enemy take him in terror, a pair of armored boots hammering him in the gut, and nailing him into the floor. Air was forcefully expelled from his lungs as the foe rolled forwards, letting momentum carry it into an agile roll, while he struggled to keep up.

Instinct and motion spurned him into action. The thing was real, substantial, not a figment of his imagination. If it could hurt him, then he could hurt it back. A fresh injection of battle stimulants igniting his veins with hot rage, urging him onward, Boss kipped up off the deck and swung his blaster in the direction, firing a blind burst of blue. Alas, he missed wide for the man-thing was impossibly inside his guard, and a violent chop to his right wrist, promptly disarmed him, but he was not out of cards yet.

The knuckle plate on his left arm popped open, accompanied by the whine of microhydraulic servo motors firing up throughout his arm, as the vibroblade within shot outwards with a serpentine hiss. The killing edge gleaming in the limelight, he struck with confidence at the enemy's face, determined to end this battle decisively. In close quarters, his speed was even greater than Fixer, the resident blade expert thanks to his extensive tutelage with Walon Vau; however, Boss had personally broken the same man's arm in training.

His form was perfect, but again, disaster struck: his foe was faster. All it took was a mild shift in the posture, leaning into the thrust, just barely dodging the hot vengeful blade, as a free hand rose to grasp his wrist in the same horrifying moment. Using Boss's own momentum against him, the enemy wrenched his arm out of his control, sending him toppling forwards, sweeping his feet out from underneath with a stinging low kick, and pinned him to the deck in an expertly executed takedown. He could not believe it, not even when he experienced the sickening pop-twist of his arm being dislocated that he had been beaten.

The commando armor tried to compensate for his injuries, pumping him with a fresh cocktail of adrenaline and morphine, but not even drugs could overcome his state of shock. He had beaten; his team defeated in close quarters battle. Delta Squad had been legendary in the Grand Army of the Republic: how could they have been beaten?

And sure enough, the old cruel voice of Walon Vau answered him:

"_Being hard is good_; _being hard with superior tech is better_."

Damn him.

Damn him.

Damn it all.

Just because they had been up against some bastard using Black Technology was the reason of their defeat? He could not accept it. He just could not believe it! It was with these thoughts of black regret that followed Boss into unconsciousness when the vicious curb stomp came crashing down on his T-visor.

White out...

* * *

The machine breathed a sigh of relief. Massively outgunned, everything: all of its hard work could have been for naught in the five minutes of combat with these unidentified troopers in white armor. Their wargear did not match anything on the database, and their presence was not even accounted for in the ship's manifest, a completely unexpected variable. However, Precia's training and the technology given unto it had all paid off: the victory had been the machine's, not these very real trained professional soldiers of flesh and blood.

Granted, victory had come at the sacrifice of the sneaking suit's ECS system. The add-on armor plating had held up surprisingly well in the explosion and the machine had no damage of worth to note. It was time to proceed with the next phase of mission: the ship was under its control and all that remained was verifying the objective before escaping promptly.

Now, if it recalled correctly, the objective should be in Block-A, Cell Five; all the way at the end. With the independent auxiliary generator was feeding plenty of power to this block, and though the machine did not know the access codes to the cell, it was child's play to slice through door security. The hatch hissed open and what the machine found was not expected at all.

Pitch black.

The machine had heard of sensory deprivation chambers before in the database, a rather cruel means of incarceration or perhaps torture depending on the intent. This one in particular was more improvised than anything, considering the cell provided the basic accommodations of a cot, a toilet, and a washbasin, meaning it had been an ordinary detainment cell. However, the lack of windows or a mirror, easily turned it into an isolation tank with the absence of light.

According to references, modern methods for sensory deprivation as a means of torture were simple yet elegant: a subject would be locked in a room with no windows. Illumination would be varied between regular or abnormal intervals, or for random periods of time. The intent is to eliminate all perception of day and night, remove the subject from social interaction, and disrupt their biological patterns, particularly sleep. Meals are further presented at unusual times of day and at abnormal intervals to make the attack more effective.

Eventually, the subject will fall into a hellish neurosis characterized by extreme anxiety, hallucinations, bizarre thoughts, depression, and antisocial behavior that made them all the more susceptible to --- interrogation.

Interrogation.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 32 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Sorry, if y'all couldn't read it earlier; I'm reposting this as there seems to be some technical issue with the last upload.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	33. Chapter 33

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 33:

My reason...

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Now, if it recalled correctly, the objective should be in Block-A, Cell Five; all the way at the end. With the independent auxiliary generator was feeding plenty of power to this block, and though the machine did not know the access codes to the cell, it was child's play to slice through door security. The hatch hissed open and what the machine found was not expected at all.

Pitch black.

The machine had heard of sensory deprivation chambers before in the database, a rather cruel means of incarceration or perhaps torture depending on the intent. This one in particular was more improvised than anything, considering the cell provided the basic accommodations of a cot, a toilet, and a wash basin, meaning it had been an ordinary detainment cell. However, the lack of windows or a mirror, easily turned it into an isolation tank with the absence of light.

According to references, modern methods for sensory deprivation as a means of torture was simple yet elegant: a subject would be locked in a room with no windows. Illumination would be varied between regular or abnormal intervals, or for random periods of time. The intent is to eliminate all perception of day and night, remove the subject from social interaction, and disrupt their biological patterns, particularly sleep. Meals are further presented at unusual times of day and at abnormal intervals to make the attack more effective.

Eventually, the subject will fall into a hellish neurosis characterized by extreme anxiety, hallucinations, bizarre thoughts, depression, and antisocial behavior that made them all the more susceptible to --- interrogation.

Interrogation.

* * *

Infrared/Nightvision...active.

There was trembling figure curled up in a fetal position on the cot, backed up all the way into a corner. Female: prepubescent, approximately between the ages of eight and ten, longhaired, barefoot, clothed in the barest white slip just for decency; she was restrained by a rather complicated device, a combination of silvery manacles and shackles attached to a matching collar piece by a plethora of chains. The device offered her limited mobility, enough for her to take care of her own needs, but hardly to defend herself.

Scanners were picking up "strange" readings from the device, which was quite ornate, with various arcane runes and inscriptions inscribed upon them in excruciating detail. Somebody had taken much time and effort to produce such a thing worthy to be artwork. Perhaps, a closer examination was in order?

"D-_Don_'_t_!" sobbed a voice unbidden.

Female.

S-Sop-aor-Soprano: not yet fully dev-deve-loped --- ERROR! --- young, p-pain --- FEAR...

In-interference.

Language: Galactic Basic, same pronunciation as the Mistress.

Power flux detected.

ERROR...!

"P-Please, don't...!"

AI Ego Borderline...collapsing...unstable...

Command code...

What was...? the machine tried to --- think? thought? thought of? --- ERROR!

Systems...down.

These --- these lines of code, overrides, new process...from where?

_I have found you_.

_That child_...

_My_...!

* * *

"Now, Woman-of-my-Kin, **what **--- is your wish?" rumbled the King, the chains upon his body rattling miserably to hold the great lion upon his throne.

Lo, did She-of-Silver answer his demand, "One thing and one thing only: the _living _daughter of the wretched woman, who created me, my Lady, my Mistress, and the same woman I loved and hated... That child who I still love even now, born of the hair of gold, much like this man, but eyes of burgundy...deep with tragedy, sadness, and so much love. I wish, I desire for you to use your **own **immeasurable strength ---- to help her achieve happiness."

And all too easily, the lion laughed at her, thinking her wish to be foolish. She must have lost her mind to ask such a paltry task of him for he was the greatest destroyer that ever lived, and all would bow before his might. Anything the girl wished he could grant in an instant! How foolish.

"But before I name her know this, O Mighty King. That child's happiness is fragile, like thin ice. She will meet with a most trying experience in the near future. What that experience will be is for you to discover. And remember, you must not forget --- otherwise our contract will be null and void --- the most important thing, that child's happiness: the happiness she wants from the bottom of her heart."

"Bah: _child_'_s play_, girl. Now, name her so we can be done with this!"

"As you wish, Your Majesty. Her name is..."

**Fate Testarossa**.

* * *

Personality Layer Turing Application...active.

G-Stone Life-Sympathy Coefficient...rising...

All systems efficiency and output...have risen 20 above previous baseline values.

Reboot...complete.

Commencing Ego-Borderline Entanglement in...

3...

2...

1...

Contact.

* * *

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe!

Hot!

Sweltering!

Suffocating.

Got to take the damned helmet off!

Thump.

Thump-th-thump?

Where is the release catch, dammit?

Thump-thump-thump!

Cl-Clic-Click?

Ah, there it is...!

**_Hiss_**-_ssssssssssss_!

Air.

Phew, that was a close one; instead of calling this thing the sneaking suit, Leonard should have called it the skull suit, as he might as well have been wearing another man's skin.

Wait a second?

**He**?

Huh?

Wha?

What's up with all these lines of code?

Huh?

Data Restoration?

Heat Index?

Master File Data Fragmentation Index?

Wait, hold up; all this stuff was distracting him from the real problem.

Huh?

**Him**?

**_He_**?

What am I doing?

Wait...

**I**?

The world; everything feels different now. Like he was seeing everything in high resolution for the first time: the five senses of sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch were so much more clearer. The stimuli he was receiving sent shivers up his spine, but they were not --- bad shivers per say; this feeling was more --- like --- ecstasy?

Huh?

He?

Feel?

Intense joy?

"I'm confused..." the cyborg confessed aloud with a touch of sheepish commiseration.

Wait? More emotions? Expressions?

Cyborg? Why cyborg now? He had always been the machine before...

Before what?

Expressing emotion?

Even his own voice sounded different to him. It was alive, a forthright noble baritone color with handsome inflection, and a hidden strength within: _verdi baritone_. So expressive, so much emotion...!

Ownership over oneself?

What was going on? What had happened to him? Why was he acting so --- different? feeling so different? just...different? Think, man; surely, he could remember what he was doing before... Of course, the mission: he just finished knocking out those commandos, and now he was in the objective's cell. Wait, why was he sitting on his knees? Was he standing up before? Oh wait, the objective!

The cyborg gave a "mental" command to shut off his infra-night enhanced vision at once, so he could see in the dark as a normal human would, allowing the photoreceptors in his artificial eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. Soon, he beheld her once more...wait, her? how did he know that? oh, that's right he was observing her before...but something had changed in the time of his conscious absence. She was looking at him, her eyes glistening in the faint light, peeking out over the edge of her knees that she tucked so tightly to herself.

The shivers in her body that bespoke of her fear had not gone away, yet there was something akin to deja vu reflected in those vulnerable doe eyes, like meeting somebody she knew intimately by second hand for the first time...

Man, this is awkward, thought the cyborg nervously with a forced grin, running his gloved hand through his wild hair. I've never really interacted with humans like this before, that is a situation where I've actually had to communicate with 'em. What kind of behavior, speech, or manner would even be thought of as normal in an extraordinary situation like this anyway?

Still, he could not afford to delay forever. It would take time for the ship's crew to regain control of the assault frigate and defeat the viruses he had left behind to exacerbate the situation. Presently, he had left one pre-routed corridor open expressly for his escape: the exact lockdown timed so that it would be free of any interference between him and the hangar bay where _The Morrigan _awaited.

How am I supposed to break the ice...

"W-Why...why do you --- look just like him?" her unexpected voice broke through the silence in a ghostly whisper, as if she was in disbelief herself. "Linith's...the person she..."

The cyborg was astonished to say the least. Once more, he was being introduced to a name, a person, a concept he did not know of that did not exist in his fragmented memory banks; and better yet, this person or persons had some relation to him. Who was this him the girl spoke of? Well, since she broke the ice, he might as well try to engage her in conversation, yes?

"Uh, h-hi!" he stuttered in greeting, rising to his feet.

All too predictably, the girl clamped up with a gasp, curling up ever tighter in a whimpering ball:

"N-_no_! G-go away!"

He frightened her just like that? Damned; this was getting no where fast. If she would not come to him, then he would just have to go her. Of course, the action was easier said than done. He thought to step towards her slowly, holding up his hands in the air as an unthreatening gesture that he had no ill intentions, but every step only earned him more whimpers, sobs, and wails of protest. The girl's cries were causing him..._pain_?

But why? She was not even physically striking him. Hell, she was afraid of him, fearful! He should be proud to be able to exert such fear over another without even trying, just like the Mistress had taught him.

And yet, why did it **hurt **so much...!

He was right beside the cot now; the girl well within the reach of his arms. Her cries were unbearable, tears and sob racking that tiny body, an incoherent mantra whimpering out of that tortured voice; and the pain grew! It was unbearable. Why? Why did it hurt? What should he do? What could he do to stop --- to **kill **the pain? What!

_Hold her_...

Hold her?

_Embrace her_...

Em-Embrace? What --- these thoughts? From where?

_Share _--- _her pain_.

In a panic, the cyborg waded through the sea of code within him, searching for the sources of those words, but they were nowhere to be found. In fact, it was as if they did not exist in the first place. Impossible: was he --- hallucinating? Though a fusion of man and machine, there was no doubt in his mind he was a machine first and foremost, as the concentrations of organic matter in his frame was virtually negligible. He could easily continue to function without them, but they existed simply as a luxury.

But...

To...

To share...

To share pain?

Was such an action even possible? How was he even supposed to... P-Pain: there was so much pain in him. The intact portions of his memories were flawless; every single heinous act... The fear! How could he even think to share the pain of another when his own was so great? Fear... He was --- he was just a machine, a tool only good for killing, not a human being --- never a human.

* * *

Infinite light. Nerve endings. Synapses. Chemicals. Ions. Electricity. A never ending spiraling network into eternity.

_Coward_.

Wh-what! Where --- how --- when --- where am I?

_Pain is a delusion of the body, fleeting and ephemeral_. _**Your **disease is something other_: _FEAR_.

My disease?

_Come now_, _are you afraid to embrace your desires_?

The cyborg had --- had desires?

_Oh_, _denial_,_ is it_? _That Freud would really have a field day with you_, _clockwork puppet_, _but we_'_re wasting time_, **_thing_**.

Ugh! PAIN; so much pain! F-From --- fro-from where? Blinding. White. Hot.

_Feel that **pressure**_, _like your skull caving in_, _the brain melting_, _the eyes eaten live by maggots_, _and the flesh succumbing to disease and decay_?

Y-yes-Yes, _O-o Gr-Great One_!

_Spare me the flattery_,_ though it's good to see that perverted_, _**sick **witch has taught you well_. _I am different from the **Others**_, _and I don_'_t like to wake up often_, _but should their guidance fail_; _then, I get to come in, see_? _Cause and Effect_:_ punishment for cowardice_. _Now_, _are you ready to listen to the master_, **_dog_**?

A-A-ha-AH-Anything f-f-for _The Great One_!

_Good_, _now that child is promised to _**me**. _You already know _--- _have known --- what you need to do_ _from the moment you saw her_. _Now_, **go**: _fulfill the contract_!

* * *

The internal HUD flashed with static across his digitized vision, snapping him "awake." Systems diagnostics reported numerous anomalies, all unexplainable, marked by a sudden spike in the G-Stone's energy output, which had just begun to subside. Everything had transpired in a miniscule interval of three-point-two seconds; however, his memory banks had not recorded anything else besides the energy spike.

But that would mean...

No.

The very idea of it is absurd.

_Machines _do not hallucinate.

_Machines _do not have an out of body experience.

_Machines _do not possess psychic powers; no!

Then, what was it that the cyborg just experienced? Fragmented memories restored to a readable state being triggered unconsciously and overriding all other processes? A "psycho-technical" malfunction?

Damned: this is a waste of time; he had to focus on the mission! The _girl_...still, in the same traumatized state as before. Tactical observed her to be harmless in her present condition, hardly a threat, though her restraints were somewhat troubling. Verbal communication would likely cause her to withdraw further into whatever mental haven she had created for herself as a self-defense mechanism, and his continued presence was not helping matters either.

Funny, the fear I felt before is gone, that is I'm no longer afraid of her, but something distant, yet innumerable more terrifying, thought the cyborg, as he ran simulations through the Incursion Assumption Management protocol. He had a number of theories as to how he should proceed from here on, but for the sake of efficiency, it would be best if the "victim" cooperated with him.

Unfortunately, the best method was...well, here goes nothing.

The cot was made to house only one adult human under normal circumstances. Honestly, they did not make these things for the sake of two people bunking together, which in a sense worked in his favor, as there was really nowhere for the girl to run. Then again, she did not even acknowledge him, when he parked himself on the cot and scooted right up beside her.

Yeah, she was off in her own little world. The girl was much weaker than he first anticipated, made frail and tender by her treatment, and right then and there, he finally realized she was to be protected at any cost. His own sham body, all the parts replaceable and interchangeable, was made deliberately to shoulder such a burden. Yes, if she willed it so, he would embrace her forever, hold her close and never let go, protect her for she was...

_My reason_...

Lo, did a song come to mind, a fragment restored to memory: melancholy and nostalgic, like a lullaby, the piano accompanied by a bell and choir. He hummed it at first, recalling the pitch, melody, and harmony, like rain --- no --- the scenery of a sandy white beach crashing against the waves of the sea; the return of rhythm in a gentle tempo; and the sound rich. Only with these preparations complete did the words come from his singing voice:

_Calling you_

"_Aaaaaa_... / _Oo-oooo_...

_Drown_.../ _In memory_...

_The sweetest tide_... / _laps_... / _at my feet_... / _and I_...

_Breathe_... / _To say your name_...

_The salty sea_... / _might_... / _Bring you home_... / _so I_...

_Breathe_... / _Whisper your name_...

_I'm calling you_... / _so come ashore_... / _Come ashore_...

_Find me_... / _Here_..."

There was not much more to the song, and he honestly would have been at a lost what to do next, granted the final solution was to simply haul the girl up in his arms and carry her away bridal style back to _The Morrigan_. The cyborg did not have the tools on hand to undo her restraints, so those would have to stay on. More importantly, he had been unable to confirm her authenticity as the mission objective, and how Precia would react to him bringing back a tortured waif with him...

Well, it would most likely be --- _unpleasant_ --- and that might have been an understatement.

However, all of his worries dissolved when his exterior sensors picked up a sudden jolt of stimuli awakening him. Her hand, so small and delicate; what terrible cross did she have to bear before he came? What had these people done to her? The cyborg did not know; he did know want to know what they had done, but this tangible feeling of warmth... He would not fail her, never; his resolve born not out of fear, but something else he could not name yet.

Her question: "Wh-Who are you?"

His answer: "Anyone, _anything _you want me to be. I have no name, only fragments of a past; and you're the one I'm meant to serve in life and death: my duty."

"D-Duty?"

"I was sent here by _Maestra_ Precia Testarossa."

Immediately, he felt the bundle in his arms freeze up, a gasp escaping her lips as her mind seemed to come to some epiphany:

"M-M-_Mother _sent you?"

Eh? What are these emotions? So many! Fear? And something intense? Love? thought the cyborg in astonishment. He tentatively drifted away from --- the daughter of the Mistress, rising off the cot back to his feet, but being sure to leave a hand on the girl's thin shoulders as a gesture. He imagined he meant it out of --- reassurance.

"Yes, and that would make you..."

"F-Fate T-T-Testarossa."

Huh? What was this confused feeling of --- deja vu? It's like he already knew her name to begin with, but he never...

"Fate, it's time to go..."

"N-No! I don't want to go back! M-Ma-Mama will hate me because I...I-!"

Dammit, she was starting to drift away from him. He had to do something fast. What could he tell her to make her feel better?

"I'll take responsibility for it," the words spilled out of his mouth unbidden, his expression a serene smile.

What the hell did he just say? And why the hell was he smiling too?

Apparently, his statement was so absurd that even Fate reacted to it. She scrambled to her feet amazingly, the cot's bedsprings creaking in protest and her shackles rattling, as she drew back against the corner, fixing him with her fearful gaze. The idea was completely alien to her, and even the notion of it drew up deep resentful feelings of dread within himself; he was well aware of what Precia was capable of inflicting. The fact, his personality layer was now active and --- well, was refusing to be turned off --- the pain --- the fear would only be all the more worse when he set foot in her presence again.

"L-_Liar_!" she accused him in a shrill shriek, "I-I --- I won't go back."

Great, now he could not take back what he said because that would prove he was a liar, which was irrational. He was a machine, not a human. Only human beings can lie, and lo, did he find himself continuing to smile:

"Fate, I _know _what _Maestra _Precia is capable of, and judging by your fear, you know of it too."

"Liar, liar, liar! You work for Mama; you're only-!"

"Wrong: I don't work for her. I _belong_ to her, the Mistress's possession, a _thing_ she owns."

"Wh-what...?" Fate fixed him with a disbelieving look.

Honestly, was it that hard to tell he was not human? The cyborg chuckled.

"I'm not **_human_**, just a pale imitation of one. I'm a _Lost Logia _relic _Maestra _Precia revived recently by her efforts, but more importantly, I am a war machine, and I am under orders to return with you."

"_No_-oooo...! N-_No_! Stay away!"

"Fate, please don't misunderstand. I can't explain it, but my programming clearly identifies you as my true master. Though this body must do the sorceress' bidding, my **loyalty **belongs only to you. I **will** take responsibility because your faults are also my own; is that not the case with the reflection of servant to master and master to servant?"

"I-I...I!"

"Fate?"

"Go away, go away, go away! D-Don't call my name," she shrieked at him, shaking her head violently as she clasped her hands over her ears.

The cyborg frowned inwardly. Had the torture broken his charge this far? It would be easy to knock her unconscious... No! Never! Ever! He would keep trying; the ship had not shown any signs of recovering yet from his control. There was still time.

"Very well, but let me ask you this: do you _really_ want me to leave you here?"

She gasped, her doe eyes wide with horror.

"If that is your sincere wish, from the bottom of your heart, I shall grant it. But know that I won't be able to protect you, Fate Testarossa, from what else these _dogs _of the Bureau would do. Your mother'd also be extremely --- _displeased_, and I don't want to know what she'll resort to when she hears of your disobedience."

"No... N-No!"

"Fate, please, trust me. I'm scared too, and I'm pretty certain I'm not crazy enough to actually want to _be _in pain. But for you, well..."

"W-Why? Why should I trust you? Why are you even...!"

"Well, this is going to be hard to swallow, and honestly, even I can't believe it myself. The data doesn't even exist anywhere in my memory banks, but I can't distinctly feel, recall having these --- _dreams_, maybe hallucinations 'd fit the description better."

"But y-you said you weren't..."

"Of course, I'm not human, but I _am_ an imitation of one, like my creators intended a long, long time ago in Al-Hazard. Still, we're getting off track here, though if you decide we can always talk about it later. Anyways, well...I seem to recall having promised somebody: a lady but she wasn't human either. What? She had feline ears and a tail! That's not normal in _homo sapiens_, you know. Oh yeah, she was just like a lioness, though she dressed like a priestess or mage: silvery hair and bluish-lavender colored eyes. Oh, and there was this guy with blonde hair too; reminded me of rays of sunlight. Shame he looked like he was dying or dead at the time. Losing that much blood, can't be healthy to a human."

"...no..."

"There seemed to be some kind of exchange going on between her and some crazy lion. Didn't catch it myself, but she basically cut a deal with him, and here I am now. It's a contract, Fate Testarossa, binding and absolute: she wanted me to protect you --- err, among some other things I can't remember right now --- and I am a (pardon the expression) _man_ of my word."

There was a hushed silence for a moment. He really could not read the girl at all, as all signs of body language had stopped from her save for her steady breathing. Her expression bore nothing, her arms had fallen to her sides, and her head was hung low, allowing her bangs to obscure her unseen.

I've got a bad feeling about this, thought the cyborg, as his cognitive cortex began to think of an innumerable number of "bad" scenarios in a flash.

Lo, did Fate Testarossa, his young charge speak again, but this she was different. As if some switch inside her had turned on, all traces of her fear and neurosis had been wiped away, leaving only a clean, almost surgical menace of no emotion. It was like being in the presence of a younger version of the Mistress, minus the malevolence, and that alone was unnerving to the cyborg.

She really was her mother's daughter.

"Take this Magic Circuit Seal off of me," she ordered him. "I won't be able to run or move properly as long as they're restraining me."

"A-At once, Fate-sama!" the cyborg blurted out without thinking. Wait, "_Fate-sama_"? Where had that lingo come from?

"**Don**'**t **call me by name, _Lost Logia_. I have not acknowledged you as my familiar or any such thing. You're just another one of Mother's pawns."

He flinched back at her harsh words, genuinely shocked. "Wai-W-Wait a sec here, y-you really don't..."

"Yes. I don't believe a single thing you just said; in fact, I **refuse** to believe it," she declared, a bundle of hot emotions seeping back into her voice, "...Linith... Linith's still alive! And I'm going to..."

"B-But, if you go back-!"

"I don't care if Mother beats me! As long Linith... Just now, I remembered... Linith loves me; she's always made me feel better, tried her best to protect me... I won't let you replace her!"

No... This can't be...!

"And --- and even though, Mama is cruel to me. I-I --- I still love her, because I remember --- I remember a time when she was kind; when she loved me too."

The cyborg collapsed to his knees, the cold unfeeling deck reverberating with a thud. He was --- he was trembling! **Pain**: searing flame, a virulent infection, begging to burst from his chest; right where the machineheart lay. Black, black, black, so much black, just like hot tar; and it was eating from the inside out. His expression was ashen and pale: disbelief.

What...

What did the references call this...

No.

No!

Why could he not turn off his own personality layer at a time like this? As the machine, he would have thought nothing of such a thing; as the machine, he could accept any hardship, even pain and fear did not taste this bitter...bittersweet. Emotions be damned; the cyborg did not have time to wallow in his own misery. He still had a mission to accomplish, and at this point, he would be _happy_ to rip any fool from limb to limb for getting in his way.

Yes, all too happy...and little did he know, the little black thing deep down inside, born out of the malice Precia had fed him, had begun to grow once more.

The cyborg rose once more, his face schooled with false cheer, not bothering to concern himself with the girl's reaction any longer:

"Understood, _Magistra_; please, step down from the cot. I'll see what I can do."

Fate nodded and made haste, though she probably should have prepared herself a touch better before touching the floor with her bare feet. The spike of cold metal was unpleasant no doubt, by her flinch, but she bore away the discomfort quickly, and presented her manacled wrists to him. It seemed she was a lot stronger than she looked, contrary to her vulnerable state just a few short minutes ago.

As for this damned Magic Circuit Seal... The cyborg frowned, as he clasped the manacle.

Understandably, Fate picked up on his displeasure quite easily, as he was making it so obvious, "What's wrong?"

"_Magistra_, I hate to say it, but Magic Theory isn't my thing. I understand the theory but practical application is a different story altogether."

"Excuse me?"

"I can't undo the Seal. I'm not equipped with any artificial magi-senses or equipment that'd be able to detect the presence of mana, unless it is an obvious discharge, like this thing is giving off. Of course, it still only looks like an energy anomaly to me."

"So what can you do about it?"

"Well, I can at least break your physical restraints, but as for the Seal, you're going to need professional help on it."

"Do it."

"Understood, please brace yourself; this could be a bit _unsettling_. Opening Magic Circuit...protection released...charging..."

With an audible shriek, the cyborg was suddenly enveloped in a violent nimbus of pure white power that was sucking in glowing particles of mana diffusing out of the air, coalescing into a hovering halo behind him. The particles were being drawn into him so fast, it almost appeared he was being struck by a hail of white needles from all directions. Even Fate felt her knees weakening beneath the invisible massive building up; the light of the nimbus blindingly bright, as a magical sign began to take shape beneath her rescuer's feet.

"..._tetractys grammaton_...ether levels stable; circuit connection confirmed; transmitting power to spell protocol...stand by.."

He was a beacon of light! What fearsome power; all of this just for an ordinary support spell? Granted, more complex binds took more energy and time to break using the "Bind Break" spell, but the chains binding her could not be that special could they?

"...Gematria engaged: **BIND BREAK**!"

Instantly, the restraints on her person disintegrated into glittering embers, burning away into a rainbow sparkles until they were no more. With the mass of power gone, Fate nearly toppled over in a dazed spell, but such an indignity would not be suffered by her as the cyborg reached out and caught her, deftly. The girl stared up at him in unspoken open awe at his spectacular display of power, which frankly he cared little for, though he was surprised she did not protest his intervening on her behalf. In any case, he was going to have to relearn "Bind Break" when they returned to the Garden of Time, much to his chagrin.

"Well, _Magistra_, you up to a run? Personally, it'd better for me just to carry you there. You're malnourished and I'm not human, so it all works out. No harm meant to your pride, of course."

Luckily, Fate Testarossa was a reasonable girl (once sane) and she knew that her vanity could wait until, well --- later.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 33 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Now, I don't really like explaining myself a second time when I already did it the first time in the narrative, but I guess since the queries haven't stopped, I'll come down from the mountain and clear up this mess:

The BIG WTF Scandal-Controversy-Cluster-Something-Confusion-Mess-WHAT THE HELL IS GOING-Mess Issue.

Bear in mind I will not cover anything in God Territory.

Taking a page out of a Resonance Theory here from your fave chemistry or physics book, which is a part of Quantum Mechanics, it is not possible (according to the current theory) for one to simultaneously know the space and location/direction of an electron. Therefore, there are infinite possibilities in which it can exist. This then leads to the concept of Everett's Many-Worlds Interpretation, which sees a universe branching off into a series of infinite probabilities.

Hence, the "Multi-Verse" and the mechanism that breathes life into it --- "Infinite Time."

Nindo Naruto's world was put one of infinite probabilities, and if you care to read into it further, one of infinite representations of the Naruto-verse. And yes, I am taking a page straight out of Tsubasa Chronicles, Sliders, and other Sci-Fi or Sci-Fi-ish shows that lean on the idea of traveling across infinite alternate universes.

However, for the sake of plot, this mechanism is no longer operating due a supremely godly being dubbed Noein/Nihil. Nobody knows its motivation but it seems to be a rather malicious entity as it seems to be intent in unifying "the natural order" of things under one law and creating a true One-verse/Universe, its Shangri-La so to speak. This same figure was responsible for the destruction of the Naruto timelines and apparently "killing" Nindo Naruto.

Nindo Naruto is the only deviation amongst countless Naruto's to survive the said destruction. As an incompatible existence, he was already marked for an inevitable "reformat". His deviant nature is also technically what saved him as well. As such, he has been recruited as part of the war effort taking place across multiple dimensions in the hopes of restoring Infinite Time before the powers that be can turn their efforts on eradicating the said menace of Shangri-La.

Nindo Naruto's time in Haruhism was part a test --- to see if he is capable of acting out a "Role" and abiding by a said world's "Rules" --- and part a retrieval mission on Yuuko's part, as she stated she had been looking for him for some time. Nindo Naruto no longer has a body of his own. His present state of existence is only a result of Nindo Kyuubi fusing with him to a create a kind of ying and yang-like Mod-Soul. However, the fact he's just a "mod-soul" allows him to traverse across the Verses quite conveniently and assume new "Roles" easily.

As for the present "Composite Verse" Nindo Naruto is in, it remains to be seen what his "Role" will be here and what exactly are this world's "Rules." This composite-verse does have a dose of Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha, Star Wars, Full Metal Panic, Naruto, and vice-versa so may be we shall see some Jedi and Sith among other crazy shit.

That is all. We will not go into God Territory. I will post this segment again in the future as a FAQ if queries to the same issue are made.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	34. Chapter 34

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 34:

My Identity?

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Understood, please brace yourself; this could be a bit unsettling. Opening Magic Circuit...protection released...charging..."

With an audible shriek, the cyborg was suddenly enveloped in a violent nimbus of pure white power that was sucking in glowing particles of mana diffusing out of the air, coalescing into a hovering halo behind him. The particles were being drawn into him so fast, it almost appeared he was being struck by a hail of white needles from all directions. Even Fate felt her knees weakening beneath the invisible massive building up; the light of the nimbus blindingly bright, as a magical sign began to take shape beneath her rescuer's feet.

"..._tetractys grammaton_...ether levels stable; circuit connection confirmed; transmitting power to spell protocol...stand by.."

He was a beacon of light! What fearsome power; all of this just for an ordinary support spell? Granted, more complex binds took more energy and time to break using the "Bind Break" spell, but the chains binding her could not be that special could they?

"...Gematria engaged: **BIND BREAK**!"

Instantly, the restraints on her person disintegrated into glittering embers, burning away into a rainbow sparkles until they were no more. With the mass of power gone, Fate nearly toppled over in a dazed spell, but such an indignity would not be suffered by her as the cyborg reached out and caught her, deftly. The girl stared up at him in unspoken open awe at his spectacular display of power, which frankly he cared little for, though he was surprised she did not protest his intervening on her behalf. In any case, he was going to have to relearn "Bind Break" when they returned to the Garden of Time, much to his chagrin.

"Well, _Magistra_, you up to a run? Personally, it'd better for me just to carry you there. You're malnourished and I'm not human, so it all works out. No harm meant to your pride, of course."

Luckily, Fate Testarossa was a reasonable girl (once sane) and she knew that her vanity could wait until --- later.

* * *

Save for the hum of the air circulation systems, the hangar bay was dead quiet under the green fluorescence of emergency lights. Thick blast shutters had slammed into place where the force fields once protected potential crewmen from the dangerous environs of hyperspace. It was trifle obstacle, honestly, as he already possessed the override codes.

The run here had taken exactly thirty seconds across three hundred meters, the assault frigate itself being an impressive four-hundred and fifty from bow to stern from the schematics he had gleaned. He had been half-expecting the crew to make some attempt to fight their way through their own ship to see what was going on, but the confusion generated by the sudden shut down of the ship was working in his favor. Naturally, he had kept certain key systems in operation: life support, hyperdrive, and shields, but beyond that, entire decks were isolated from each other; their conventional communication lines cut.

Now, the cyborg was aware the ship had fifty Bureau mages aboard, according to the ship's manifest, who could still facilitate communications due to the rudimentary telepathy shared by all mages. The references the Mistress had provided to him did not show any accounts of mages developing this skill beyond a means of communication, but in theory, the potential for it to be used as a weapon was possible. Granted, such a weapon would only work against other mages, and he himself was exempt as he possessed an artificial magic circuit only without a linker core.

Hmmm, "Linker Cores" maybe if I get a chance I should do some research into them, the cyborg mused with an unseen smile behind his helmet, as _The Morrigan_ came into view. Too bad, I'll probably be going back to The Hell after this job is over. Oh well, it's nice to dream from time to time, and that run was not too shabby either. I'm feeling all warmed up.

In contrast to his own lightening mood, the pain of his recent --- _rejection_ --- subsiding, Fate Testarossa was wide-eyed and breathless, clinging onto him for dear life. Of course, he had carried her securely bridal-style all the way here, but apparently, she had not believed him when he told her was not human. Now, he was no homunculus; however, his display of magic power earlier combined with his demonstrated physical prowess was probably filling her head with such crazy proposals.

A series of electronic whines and beeps in ascending pitch that he immediately recognized as "Droidspeak" greeted them when the boarding ramp came into view for there was an R2 astromech droid waiting. Unfortunately, thanks to the poor lighting, the cyborg could not identify just which unit it was in particular. _The Morrigan_ had seven such droids aboard, and they could easily fly the ship between themselves.

Nonetheless, it would be rude not to engage in conversation when he ordered one of the droids to be awaiting his return and report to him. Thus, he kneeled down, allowing his young charge to stand on her own two feet, his on-board scanners noticing idly that the hangar was rather cold. The girl was already shivering, rubbing her arms in an effort to stay warm.

"Yo, Artoo, could you yell over the comm-link to your brothers to see if they can bring a fire blanket or something for _Magistra _Testarossa? And I trust everything went well?"

The R2 droid responded quickly in affirmation on both counts, sending a message to his colleagues to fetch such an item. He was quite the punctual little fellow. Again, Fate was a reasonable girl, so she did not complain about him arranging for her necessity.

"Hmm, all seems to be well then. Magistra, shall we go-!"

Suddenly, his audio receptors just managed to pick up the high-frequency pitched whine beyond the range of normal human hearing. The assassin came from above, attacking at his turned back; the killing decapitating stroke searing through the air; the shrieking cry of the R2 droid's apparently too little, too late warning of the phantom figure looming over his head like the messenger of death; and the alarmed expression blossoming on the Testarossa girl's fair face. Bending back, falling, spine and neck arching, palms thrusting outwards; there was only one thought on his mind in the world a tenth of a second: would he make it in time?

_Sccccccccchhhhhhhhh-wing_!

Something black and grey, much like himself, passed over him with a "fwoosh!" of turbulent air and a haunting glimmer of neon red that trailed visibly in the darkness. However, he had little time to spare, as he pushed off the floor with his palms, his feet and lower body following suit in a choreographed motion, propelling him away skyward into a somersaulting backflip from an impromptu reverse cartwheel. The strength needed for such a feet was virtually inhuman for he was rewarded with the searing hiss of the vibroblade passing harmlessly beneath him.

His luck, however, was about to run out.

To his misfortune, the cyborg realized with cold fear that though he could hear his opponent, and he had managed to dodge to strikes thus far, he had yet to get a clean visual of the target. His "flashy" evasive maneuver had opened a huge hole in his defense, and by the time he came down, his foe would be on him yet again. There was no way for him to soften the inevitable landing to give him at least an agile initiative over the assassin either because the hard shock from the downforce would temporarily immobilize his legs. Turning off the auto-gyro stabilizers, which would be fighting for balance automatically against his momentum and the ship's artificial gravity, would be the equivalent of committing suicide.

Shit! Here, it comes, he thought in alarm as he gravity reasserted its control over him, his rotation ending. Crossin' my fingers here!

**_Thud_**!

Again, the glimmer of red; the high-frequency pitched whine of the vibroblade rising in crescendo; a blur of black and grey motion; and the thrusting tip of the pitch-black single-edged sword came right at him all at once. The surge of cold fear nearly killed him right there in the split-second of visual recognition in by the photoreceptors, the images grainy and washed out in his HUD, unable to keep up with the astonishing movement. Granted with his almost superhuman constitution taking a wound or three would not be a problem, but the assassin seemed intent on a sure-kill.

He was tough, but he would be surely incapacitated if his head were decapitated or he took a direct hit to the machineheart. In the worst-case scenario, the bastard would gut him in the primary G-Stone core, and then, there would be hell to pay. The secondary cores could only sustain him for a short while but with that will of death...well, it would not be pretty for whoever was nearby.

So what the hell am I going to do now?

_Gatotsu no Ryu_ --- _Hiken_: _Sandan Tsuki_...

My perception of time is slowing down? A-A data stream! A data stream from where? The Infinite Information Circuit! But who's sending it?

_Cheek to Cheek and Temple_.

This motion data... If I have this...yes, I can do it! Upload complete: begin evasive maneuvers...now!

In another split-second, the flow of time resumed normally to his eyes, and he moved! Like a serpent, he loosened his body from the waist up, swaying and bending, craning his head aside to evade the deadly thrusts. However, the cyborg was still too slow and he could see his HUD flashing, the impacts of the glancing hits to his helmet straining the artificial muscles in his neck. Sparks and metal screamed as crimson blood sprayed out of the cuts.

The first two strikes were over in a heartbeat and the final one was coming straight for the center of his face. They had only been attacks meant to kill him from the start, but even if the opponent dodged them, they would still tire them greatly. The artificial muscles could not keep up, enflamed and burning with acid, but here was also his chance to counterattack.

Gyro Auto-Balancer Stabilizers...off.

His legs gave out, and he made to fall backwards, collapsing as the final lunge came in. The cyborg brought up his leg with him, tucking it tight against his frame. Impact, jarring and throwing his head back even further, spine arching back; the HUD screen flashed with red damage reports, glittering sparks flew amidst the thundering hiss. Crimson blood sprayed out again as the vibroblade followed through. Now! Now was his chance!

**Kick**.

Resistance, hard and armored; the breathless wheeze, indicating a direct hit to the abdomen; he had done well. The cyborg and the assassin were flung apart: the former reactivating his stabilizers to land back on his feet after another acrobatic cartwheel. The latter, however, dug his vibroblade into the deck, issuing forth a trail of brilliant sparks, as he came to a sudden halt on his feet versus being rear-ended on his back.

It was then that they saw each other, both breathing hard, trying to catch their breath. Though they knew not each other's true faces, their "masks" still spoke volumes of each other. They were both dressed similarly, much to irony, as warriors of the shadow: darkness and armor. Twin glowing blue eyes met a single smoldering red eye met in a tense standoff, ready to exploded into violence in a moment's notice; each to their own. However, unexpectedly the red one spoke, prompting further analysis...

"Those moves just now...

A steely rasp...

Distorted...

Masculine...

Language: Galactic Basic.

"You dodged my three-step thrust from the Fangpoint style... Not too shabby, _Lost Logia_. Or do you prefer, _monster_?"

What!

As if some had been thrown, the flood lights over head blasted alive, accompanied by the whir of machinery from the previously silent machine shop. The polarized lens of his helmet's photoreceptors naturally compensated for the sudden change of lighting, preventing the cyborg from being blinded temporarily. Fate, however, had no such luxury and she loosen an audible gasp, drawing attention to herself by _The Morrigan_'s boarding ramp. With a pitch shriek, the R2 droid quickly moved to interpose itself between her and the imminent threat of the assassin.

The cyborg --- hesitated. Fear reared its ugly head again through the sympathetic autonomous network, as he grit his teeth at the assassin pulling its vibroblade free from the deck. There was a healthy distance between himself and his charge, and he was completely unarmed. Worse yet, this bastard was standing between him and her; the probability of his mission failing critically ever increasing.

"_Magistra_, get-!"

"Don't even _think _about moving, **brat**," boomed the assassin's voice lazily, cutting the cyborg words dead in his throat. The results of his spoken menace was all to evident on the girl, who froze up instantly, at his deadly tone. "I'll gut you where you stand in a blink of an eye and still have time to show you what your _heart _really looks like."

"Scoundrel! Don't you dare..."

"Oh, so the **monster** has an attachment to its master? Will _absurdity _never cease?"

"Keh!" Dammit; can't let the emotions control me now. I need to think. Think! If an assassin is here, does that mean his efforts had all been for naught? Had the humans aboard this warship actually detected his presence without him knowing? But why had they waited until now to spring a trap? Why did they not eliminate him earlier?

How dare they mock him!

"No matter, the two of you will die here: murderess _and _monster."

He did not know what happened but those words must have triggered something because the world blurred by in a blast of red, and then he was right there with an elbow smash to the assassin's face. Problem is, the bastard ducked, and he had left himself wide open with the "clumsy" blow in a fit of ---- anger? anomaly? --- giving his foe the prime opportunity to reverse his grip on the vibroblade. Out of desperation, the cyborg lunged in, hoping to intercept the assassin's sword arm by the wrist and disarm, but alas, it was already too late.

_SlashSlashSlash_-_Slash_!

Three "assessment" cuts to his torso, sparks flying and quick as stinging wasps, were stopped by the armor he wore there over the sneaking suit, but in that short time, the assassin quickly wised up and went for an unarmored area instead: his right thigh. His pain receptors flared, accompanied by urgent damage reports and blood spraying wildly into the air. The bastard had managed to hit an "artery" in the circulatory network: _losing power_, _synchro_-_neural_ _coefficient_ _dropping_, _attempting to_...

"How boring," the apathetic taunt came to his ears, a strangled cry trapped in the cyborg's throat, as his HUD blurred yet again. The vague image of an armored foot screaming at him made it through the static noise, a reverse spin crescent kick, just before --- impact.

**Thwack**.

The HUD screen flashed red and blacked out; weightlessness; white noise; warning klaxons; something shattering like glass.

_Thud_.

He rolled about helplessly like a rag doll, bouncing off the deck until his momentum finally died, leaving him face down on the cold floor, limbs splayed out pathetically. The surge of pain stimuli was urging the repair and system recovery protocols to work faster; he felt terribly numb, not to mention he was literally blind. The last attack seemed to have caused an error in the image processor's output functionality, but he ought to have a visual back within five seconds.

Wait, why did his skin feel so cool? Where --- where was his helmet?

"_Pa_-thetic... Are you mocking me, **monster**?" rasped the assassin, as he heard the coming staccato of footsteps. "I've never met an abomination of the Dawn Age before that actually knew how to hold back. But, if this is the best a killing machine made by the Masters of Al-Hazard can do against little ol' me, I'm _terribly _disappointed."

The cyborg grit his teeth in indignation. He seemed to be lying in a growing pool of his own blood, but he could barely move thanks to the concussive attack he took earlier. Motive power and motor control was still experiencing errors and would need some more time to calibrate properly, and he was still bleeding!

"Maybe I should just kill the girl first. Not as if she matters anymore. Capital punishment is an acceptable sentence for enemies of the state, after all."

Red.

**Red**.

**Red**!

Th-This overwhelming feeling...! What was it? Was this the same anomaly he experienced earlier? "Anger" was what he called it, did he not? Un-unbelievable. The energy output of the G-Stone primary core was increasing, GS-Ride efficiency coefficient... Incredible; it was even greater than the spike he experienced when he turned on his personality layer application. The damages and errors he had suffered had all been resolved in a blink of an eye: his wounds healed, the lost conductive fluids restored, and the software and hardware errors fixed.

He felt --- stronger!

The approaching footsteps stopped abruptly, as the cyborg rose to his feet confidently. The distance between himself and Fate had increased even more after the last skirmish, with the assassin still between him and her. His sneaking suit's faceplate and visor had been shattered, the fragments scattered on the deck, leaving his bloodied face exposed to the world: blood-caked sun kissed blonde-hair and brilliant blue eyes, just like an azure sky.

_Clatter_.

"Y-_You_!" gasped the assassin, staggering back visibly in shock.

He dropped the vibroblade? Why?

"I-Impossible; I --- I _know_ **YOU**! Y-_You _--- **_Aruetii_**!"

What? Ugh!

There was a sudden spike of data flooding in from the Infinite Information Circuit: sounds, images, faces, and flame. It was painful, annoying, like a throbbing festering wound that would not heal. Each melding together to form a cacophonic melody that reverberated across the network, and they all said the same thing.

**Traitor**.

But why? He had only been born again some three short months ago, and had long since accepted the chances of ever recovering all of his lost data was unlikely. The reason being present recovery speeds would require an absurd amount of time to restore his grossly fragmented database, unless he was able to interface with a G-Crystal Column, which was equally an unlikely event.

"What the hell are you going on about now?" the cyborg snarled back, clutching at his aching temple.

"_Chakaar_, I-I --- I killed you! I, Sasuke of Clan Uchiha, killed you for sure! Eight years ago, at the Valley of End! These _Mangekyou Sharingan _are **proof **of it."

"Wha?"

Just like that, the assassin's armored form gave a hiss, visible gouts of steam blasting out of porous vents in the black body glove, before his faceplate parted open and realigned themselves as ornamental horns, so to speak. Indeed, it was a young man, roughly age nineteen to twenty-one, by the cyborg's estimates, with a grim handsome face by human standards. The single characteristic about him that instantly stood out, though, had to be his eyes: neon red eyes that seemed glow with three black bladed commas in each eye melding together in absence of a pupil, as black jagged rings orbited the space between each blade.

"Uzu-_Uzumaki Naruto_! _You_..._ d-dar'manda_, scum like you I can never forgive!" Sasuke damned him, waves of anger seemingly broiling off his body in open malice.

Perhaps, it was precisely this wave that struck him and not so much the Uchiha's words. The cyborg collapsed to his knees abruptly, a wide-eyed expression on his face. He felt weak. Oh, so terribly weak...!

"Ugh! What the...?"

"I don't know what foul sorcery has conjured you before me again, _Deceiver_, but I'll be sure to send you back to the _Dar_'_yaim_ you crawled out from."

"I'm-I'm not --- that-that person...agh. I'm...!" The G-Stone Primary Core is losing power? Why? Why is it dropping in output? Do I actually believe any of the nonsense this lunatic is raving? I don't even know who this Uzumaki Naruto is! And what language is this guy talking in now? Mandalorian?

"Lies! _Ni cuyir kaymaru_, Uzumaki Naruto!"

Sasuke sprang into action, kicking up his fallen vibroblade into his hand before tossing the impromptu projectile at the cyborg. He barely managed to roll away in time, the weakness making his body feel lethargic and slow. If only he knew how to raise the G-Stone's output...but alas, he did not know himself how the wondrous device worked. In his present state, his options were limited at best. He could still use the library of magic spells he had been saving up.

But would an opponent of this caliber actually give him time to cast?

Not to mention Fate Testarossa might get caught in the secondary blasts and explosions. He could not afford to endanger her anymore than she was, but what was he supposed to do...?

"_Katon_: _Goukakyuu no Jutsu_!" Sasuke's shout interrupted his thoughts.

Great, the cyborg had "zoned" out of all things at a critical time like... By the Fates, was that man breathing a fireball? Did he have Draconian blood in his veins? But that was impossible as well; The Empire ze Al-Hazard had eradicated those fools over...! Agh! Dammit, what was going on? What was he --- thinking?

Shit, what's he aiming for? thought the cyborg in a panic, as he forced to shield his eyes under the intense blaze of the flame.

The fiery ball of oranges, red, and yellows was easily big enough to swallow a main battle tank whole, emanating a searing heat that unprotected human could not stand for long. He knew not how the Uchiha conjured it up, as he had not been attention at the time, but instead of aiming directly for him, the assassin sent up towards the rafters above. The results soon became clear as the ball of flame exploded, shattering the support trusses, hanging flood lights, and exposed ventilations ducts crashing down below in a hail of fire, sizzling shrapnel, and flaming debris.

Of course, the cyborg was standing right in the middle of the blast zone too, the realization ushering another a spiteful curse from his lips. Instinctively, he made run towards his right, hoping to avoid being nasty smear on the deck, as there was little time to cast a spell. Hell was raining down on his head but luckily he managed to avoid getting crushed as the thunderous crashes echoed all around him.

Naturally, Sasuke was also waiting right for him with a vicious right hook to the face. His threat assessment support program did not even have a chance to point out the imminent threat before his HUD flashed red, vision filling up with the fist, before the screen screamed with starry artifices and static. The momentum of the blow sent the cyborg staggering wildly in a daze, but the assassin was not letting him go that easily, as a follow-up low to his left leg effectively hamstringed him with an audible crack.

"You can't run from me!" Sasuke bellowed, as he exploited the huge opening in the cyborg's defenses. "_SEI-YAH_!"

The whistling left jab caught him in the jaw, and split his lip open by the unforgiving edge of the armored gauntlet. The impact exploded with abhorrent waves of nausea that wreaked havoc in his sympathetic nervous system. System errors and damage reports were running rampant in the haze of misfiring neurons and overloading pain receptors when the assassin lunged in and grabbed a hold of his head. He was then promptly introduced to a trio of knee strikes reddening out of his HUD even more, each deadly blow accompanied by the sick twist of tissue and blood.

Good thing, he had reinforced his artificial carbon-based skeleton long ago, though it was about to become his own worst enemy. Reeling from the concussive trauma, the cyborg stared bleary eyed, bruised and bleeding, as Sasuke drew back, arms thrown outwards when a strange energy reading exploded suddenly. The origin was from the Uchiha no less and it was a visible blue aura like flame. However, there was no time to record any further data, before he brought his fists together, hands open in twin lotus palms, as the blue energy gathered there, forming a brilliant blue spark.

"Accept your fate, Uzumaki! _Hakkei no Ryu _--- _Ougi_: _Tekkoudan_!"

**_Impact_**.

The supernatural blow struck with the thunderous force of a flakcannon slug HEAP-round, passing right through him, and sweeping him clean off his feet. Soft armorweave integrated into the armor add-on kit and the torso area of the sneaking suit burned off like tar, cooking the flesh beneath to a sizzling searing miasma of blood and tissue. The hard durasteel armor plates from front to back shattered like glass as the bones within his own body fractured, spitting shrapnel into artificial organelles and soft tissue, causing a wave of uncontrolled internal bleeding.

His entire system seemed to freeze for a dead instant into red before the burning impact of his body yet again ricocheting helplessly of some wreckage ushered him back into consciousness. Again, he was prone on the deck surrounded by a hellish red inferno of flame and smoke on either side, while he lay twitching on his back. Secondary and tertiary systems were failing across the board, and it would be long before critical failures began to affect his primary functions as well.

Blood and phlegm spilled freely out of his retching mouth and nose, his face bruised and bloodied grotesquely; a mockery of his former self. Power output from the G-Stone Primary Core had fallen to dangerously low levels. In fact, he was on the verge of shutting down, his mind starkly conscious of the imminent doom through the trance of agony and descending lethargy.

Everything was getting terribly dark.

"Boring, boring, boring!" howled Sasuke as he appeared suddenly in a blast of glowing orange embers of and smoke. Seething, raging, mad as hell, his the black blades in his crimson eyes spinning faster and faster; his very silhouette against the inferno marked him like a god of death. "You come back from the dead and this is all you have to show for yourself, Uzumaki Naruto? Traitor! Liar! Scum! **Despicable**."

The cyborg cringed, his eyelids growing heavy. Damn, the difference between them was too great in his present condition. Why --- Why had the G-Stone begun to malfunction? This --- This was unprecedented! He had no data, no guidelines, absolutely nothing to go by to possibly help him in this situation...

Was he about to --- fail? His first and only mission when the most important... Gah, what did it matter? She had rejected him. Who was he to say anything about being thrown out like a defective toy? He was a thing, a tool of convenience... Nothing else. Still, it would not have been a complete waste if Fate Testarossa could have at least escaped, as it was easy for him to cheat death in any number of ways.

But humans were frail unlike machines and Fate would surely die once the Uchiha was through with him...

"Stand up! Stand up, **_Aruetii_**!" Sasuke commanded him. Will the gall of this man never cease? "I won't let you die so easily. A dog's death is a mercy I shall not give you! You will stand and die like the traitor you are! GET UP."

The merciless kick to his side ushered forth a sickening crack of bone and flesh, as the cyborg convulsed automatically under a fresh wave of pain. His respiratory systems were failing; metabolic control on the fritz, choking on his fluids. He rolled aside unbidden, favoring the broken rib instinctively. It was amazing to think that his own damaged body was reacting now without his own conscious input, as he himself was a prisoner in the trance of imminent death, unable to do anything at all.

"GET UP."

The beating continued, and at some point, the fire extinguishers above began to work, drowning the entire hangar bay in a perpetual rain for several minutes straight. The dying inferno became a steamy, humid sauna but Sasuke never wavered for a second. He was relentless, ruthless raining blow after blow, taking no enjoyment, no pleasure in the act at all; the repetitive action was simply a means of fanning the flames of his rage higher.

"GET UP."

Smash.

"GET UP."

Thud.

"GET UP."

_Crack_.

"GET UP."

**_Splatter_**.

It was at the point where his body stopped responding to stimuli altogether that the Uchiha finally stopped kicking him. He was little more than a cruel bloody caricature of his former self, hardly in any position to resist as his unamused foe bent down and hauled him up by the throat. Suspended in mid-air by a single hand, an impressive feat by all means, Sasuke decided to give him a critical examination apparently so.

_Spit_.

His prognosis? Death.

The G-Stone...it's gone silent. I'm running just barely on the APU-! By the Stars, I'm useless and he still has to spit in my face? thought the cyborg with a touch of morbid commiseration. The cruelty of humans truly has no limits or sensibility.

Sasuke frowned in disgust, "Pathetic: in the end, you're just all talk, Naruto. It's time to end this...I'll _erase_ every last trace you, burned to a crisp, not even ashes will remain!"

Once more, the assassin called upon that great power within himself, the blue flames erupting from his body. More and more he drew, focusing that power unto his crimson eyes where they shined ever brighter like twin suns. The cyborg could still see the triple black blades within those pools of red, spinning ever faster, as a pitch-black flame sparked into existence. Here and now did the thoughts of his own mortality rose subconsciously in the face of his imminent fatality, much to his private morbid fascination...

Too bad: I never thought of a back-up plan in case the bastard tried to incinerate me, instead. Looks like this really will be the end this time... Forgive me, Fate Testarossa. I've failed you...

"_Mangekyou no Sharingan --- Hissatsu Hi-Ougi_: Amaterasu-no-Ōmi-!"

_Adieu_.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 34 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh yeah, time again for a small advertising service announcement thingie here: if y'all get bored in between waiting for new episodes, be it anime, manga, or fanfiction and whatnot, but you're still dying for a fresh/unique AU Naruto fic go read _Kara no Kyokai: The Borderline to Emptiness _by **Tempest Dynasty**. He just got chappie 08 out as of this posting. I guarantee, he is the only fella who has the guts to fuse Naruto with a magical girl show and the infamous Warhammer 40K gothic-scifi military tabletop game series. Give it a shot; you won't regret it.

_Tsudzuku_!


	35. Chapter 35

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 35:

Be Born the Will which Fights!

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Sasuke frowned in disgust, "Pathetic: in the end, you're just all talk, Naruto. It's time to end this...I'll _erase_ every last trace you, burned to a crisp, not even ashes will remain!"

Once more, the assassin called upon that great power within himself, the blue flames erupting from his body. More and more he drew, focusing that power unto his crimson eyes where they shined ever brighter like twin suns. The cyborg could still see the triple black blades within those pools of red, spinning ever faster, as a pitch black flame sparked into existence. Here and now did the thoughts of his own mortality rose subconsciously in the face of his imminent fatality, much to his private morbid fascination...

Too bad: I never thought of a back-up plan in case the bastard tried to incinerate me, instead. Looks like this really will be the end this time... Forgive me, Fate Testarossa. I've failed you...

"_Mangekyou no Sharingan --- Hissatsu Hi-Ougi_: Amaterasu-no-Ōmi...!"

_Adieu_.

* * *

Sasuke, however, never got to finish the deadly incantation. Unbelievably, a banshee-like scream cut through the anticipating drip of water, accompanied by a flash of blonde, before a crude durasteel pipe came smashing into the Uchiha's face with a visceral crunch. He flinched, throwing his head back, blood spraying from rough tip of the pipe gouging into his cheek and brow just moments before he let loose with an unearthly howl of pain.

Black flame roared forth from opened right eye, darker than night yet bright as day, forcing the cyborg to squint and try to shield his eyes, despite his broken body. The terrible awesome heat was immense, even the blood and moisture on his face and hair was beginning to broil and bubble, quite literally frying him as Sasuke dropped him abruptly. The reason for his release soon became obvious by the hysteric pitched squeals escaping the assassin's straining throat: the column of unholy flame from his right eye was still traveling, burning a hole straight through the bulkhead across the way, like a hot knife through butter.

"_URAAAAGHHHHHHHH_! MY EYE! MY EYE...!" he screamed. "IT BURNS...! IT BURNS-!"

However, Sasuke's left eye had been partially forced shut by the durasteel pipe, which had not only foiled the incantation, but was now causing the black flame to blow out of his own control. Half of his face was literally on fire; flesh, bone, and blood, the flame made no subtle discrimination and licked away despite his protests of agony, eating everything. The Uchiha could do nothing but stand there paralyzed in absurd pain as his "spell" continued to do its work.

As morbidly fascinating it was to watch the man who had bested him just moments ago standing helplessly in agony, the cyborg lost his appetite quite quickly. Instead, he focused his attention elsewhere and was stunned to see who turned out to be his savior:

"M_-_Ma_-Magistra_, w-why --- why are you still here? You should've..."

"_What_, are you stupid!" she screamed back over the thundering roar of the jet-black flame and the assassin's cacophonic wails. The cyborg blanched at the majestic sight of his savior, Fate Testarossa, a girl of just nine years old who had intervened on his behalf. She was holding on for dear life to her improvised weapon, even as it began to glow red hot and sizzle at her naked hands, jamming the durasteel pipe against Sasuke's face. "In-In, _ugh_, a situation like this, do you think it'd be that easy for me to just abandon you? I --- of course, I'm scared, but doing that would be the same as killing myself because right now, your life and mine are... _Keh_!"

That girl! What is she..?

"I don't understand; I don't want to believe it! Wh-why? Why do you look like _him _so much, the person Linith...! He... Arashi Kazama is not a traitor, a-a...a bad person...even though he worked for the Bureau. He-! He studied _Lost Logia _and... And... And L-Linith, she...she l-loved...!"

"M-_Magistra_..."

At last, the "spell" finished its work and Sasuke Uchiha had screamed himself hoarse, half of his face was a smoking burn unrecognizable mess, and barely even a rasp escaped his lips. Fate, though would not chance the possibility of her being taken for the fool, and she pulled her weapon free, the molten tip extracting an unintelligible noise out of the assassin, as he staggered back from the sudden move. Hardly did he have a chance to do anything before she spun clockwise in a whirlwind of motion and caught the other side of his face, sending the once proud man crumpling to the wet deck in a heap.

His indignity did not end there for he landed face first in a puddle of water. Through the hiss of steam and vapor, a pained pitched mewl burst forth from his throat, as he thrashed and rolled about wildly, clutching at his ruined face. The nauseous scent of "cooked" flesh and blood was suffocating, and the young magi drew back in revulsion, nearly dropping her weapon out from her trembling blistering hands. Unlike the cyborg, her clothes had offered no protection against the heat and flame, and he could her skin reddening with burns, as she labored for air between ragged breaths.

"M-_Magistra_!" he cried out in horror. If his own body were not a mess, he would carry her back to _The Morrigan _at once and escape, so he could treat her wounds in peace. "Please, that's enough. I'll give you the override codes to the blast doors, so you can escape-!"

Alas, Fate had no intention of listening to reason this time around, "..._You _--- you said it before, y-you don't have a name... If-! In that case, if you don't have a name, then take it! From now on, you'll be Arashi Kazama --- m-my Arashi Kazama."

The cyborg was speechless. She --- she was **naming **him! An act Maestra Precia had explicitly forbidden until a time she deemed him worthy. But --- but why? Why would she name him, and after a person she seemed to hold so dear, judging by the tortured emotion in her voice?

Linith.

Arashi Kazama.

Who were they really? Why did he possess vague memories of places, people, and events that were not recorded --- pardon the expression --- in stone, therein in his fragmented databanks?

_System Log_: _I_._D_. _Code confirmed_..._initializing_.

_Releasing safeties to Neural Connection Circuits A-10 through D-12_...

_Unit AI Ego Borderline_..._restabilizing_.

_G-STONE Primary Power Core_..._reignition confirmed_.

_GS_-_Ride_..._efficiency coefficient_..._exceeding established benchmarks_...

What the? I never gave the command to --- do anything! What's going on now? His thoughts, however, would have to wait as yet another unfortunate turn of events was upon them. As it turns out, Sasuke Uchiha still had plenty of fight left in him. Though there was no mistaking he was hurt badly and he was mad as hell:

"Wh-What-? What did you say, girl?"

"By-By the Stars, he's-he's getting up!" choked the cyborg in disbelief, watching in awe as the assassin began to stagger to his feet. His expression was unreadable for an armored hand covered the still smoking half of his face, while his bangs hid the rest in the dimmed lighting.

"You-_you_! You whisper lies and blasphemy in my ears! The Fourth Fire Shadow perished in the War long before I was even born. He was not a dog of the Bureau but a proud Mandalorian, the finest there ever was! The fact, you would name this monster after such a great man is --- heresy! And, you! You stole my eye!"

Sensing the deadly tone, Fate lunged in instinctively with a thrust to his face yet again, while he was still floundering at roughly a half-crouch in his posture. It was her hope no doubt to wound him in his other eye and effectively rob the man of his will, and his ability to fight, so they could make good their escape. Alas, her hopes were shattered cruelly when Sasuke moved suddenly with alarming precision and swiftness, in contrast to his grievous condition, catching the durasteel pipe by his free hand.

Terror blossomed on the cyborg's ashen face as he could only watch helplessly while the assassin wrenched the impromptu weapon free violently from the girl's grasp, off-balancing her. She was wide open and he bridged the gap using the hand that had been covering his face, and grabbed her by the throat, leveling her off the ground effortlessly. With the concealing hand gone, it was now possible to see the full extent of the damage of the unnatural black flame had wrought upon his face.

Horrible burns, as if acid had eaten straight through his face.

Popped blisters and boils with clear pus.

Purple fluid seeped out of the ruined tissue as hard, leather-like eschars hung lifelessly.

Skin, muscle, and bone charred black.

The left eye seared shut.

It was like staring at some two-faced monster: half-man and half-demon.

"Oh, _ufufufu_..." chuckled Sasuke darkly, the strange blue power beginning surge out of his body once more. "You --- you'll be the first to **die**, youdamned little witch: _Chidori Nageshi_!"

The cyborg cried in protest, but his powerless words fell on deaf ears. In an instant, the blue flames erupted into a bright storm of electricity, churning the air violently as a stray bolts licked and shocked at anything conductive. Naturally, the pooling water on the deck was perfect, and the cyborg soon found his own screams joining that of his charge, who thrashed erratically in the villain's hand. As a thousand birds began to chirp in chaos...

Sasuke was laughing, the intoxicating trance of madness overcoming his senses, as he released his "spell" to survey his handiwork. It would be too simple, too easy, however, to just fry the little wench that had wounded him so, which was why she was still alive. She was a lovely mockery: burned and wanting, eyes lulling back, and the mind on the verge of unconsciousness. He could taste her fear, so sweet like ambrosia, the body effectively paralyzed, spraying her twitching legs with that foul yellow.

Pitiful. Oh so, pitiful!

And the Uchiha knew exactly how to send her off, with a bang, literally! Reaching back with his free hand, he opened the compact storage satchel unit attached to his waist armor plate and retrieve a peculiar item: a slip of paper with a red border twisting together with a green strip, as arcane black sigils began to write themselves upon the paper spontaneously. For some reason, the cyborg could almost read those sigils...

Something like...

Ex-plo-sive?

Sasuke smiled, "_Hehehe_... Explode beautifully into crimson, won't you? Just like firework."

"No, stop it!" he screamed at the mad man. "It's me you want! Leave her-!"

His words, however, died in his throat the moment the edge of that seemingly insignificant slip caught on fire suddenly with an ominous hiss, spewing a sparkling trail. It was like a fuse burning away on a stick of dynamite. The black sigils lit up with a glow blue hue, morphing into different shapes as if in a countdown, while Sasuke tagged the girl before tossing her away from him skyward.

No.

"Five..."

No!

"Four..."

Power.

"Three..._ufufu_..."

I need more...

"Two..._hehe_..."

...POWER!

"One! AH-haha...!"

It was then, once more in a state of infinite crisis, that a voice answered him, echoing from a memory not of his own but from long, long ago in a time of legends and gods. Born from flame was a man who stood proud and tall, a pillar of courage that would not quiver in the thundering thunder, the strongest of storms, amidst darkness of the encroaching eternal night. In his fist he held the promise of the G-Stone, that green light of hope, breaking through and surpassing time into the future.

"_GAAAAAAAA_-_LEEEEEOOOOONNNNN_!

* * *

There was an overwhelming flash of bright white: no explosion, just screaming noise. White hot, stronger than the brightest sun he had ever seen that even Sasuke found himself forced to shield his remaining good eye. Like a star being born in a supernova, the air howled and twisted, an invisible force pushing outwards, tossing aside the docked shuttles like playthings and hammering them into their twisting scaffolds. Again, nature forced him to act, retrieving from his storage satchel a magnetic clamp to keep him anchored to the deck while everything else was going airborne.

The proud Mandalorian clung on for dear life as the invisible twister began to lift him too, his muscles straining under the tremendous forces. He could feel his teeth rattling in his jaw, as his own exosuit compensated with stimulants to keep his levels of aggression and adrenaline high. He would not be beaten. He would not give up!

Colors were drained from his vision, silvers of black disappearing in that wind whipping storm. There was only white left and even the silhouette of his own hand was gone. He had literally become blind in a sense for the only thing he could see was white, what he could hear was noise, and what he felt was just himself.

Was this some kind of double-suicide bomb? Hah, just what he would expect out of the Traitor!

Just when he thought this psychoactive kaleidoscope mind trip to entropy could not have gotten any stranger, he saw color. It was an exploding wave of red, followed by orange, and then yellow, accompanied no less by a screaming wave of thunder. The whole bloody thing washed over him like air turbulence from a HALO jump, rattling him around some more for good measure.

Wait, a second... That noise... Those colors... An explosion?

Then the noise died, and there was silence golden. He could not even feel himself anymore, not even numb, just nothing. However, he still knew he was here!

What the hell was going on? Was this death? No. He had been on the edge of death before and he knew intimately what that cold, numbing trance was like... Was this _genjutsu _then? Impossible, the _dobe_ had never...

Abruptly, he felt an impact, like his body had been slapped back down on the deck. The twister was gone, and he could feel his senses returning. Things were becoming clear again; he could see his own hands, taste the air, hear the electric hum of the containment forcefields...

What!? The forcefields?

Sasuke whipped his head aside and was nearly by the light of the golden sun streaming through the forcefields, protecting the hangar from depressurizing completely, and spewing everything out into the horrors of --- normal space? When had they dropped out of hyperspace? Just where were they now?

Surveying the scene around him, some great force had ripped open the emergency blast door shutters that prevented anything inside from leaving and anything from outside entering. The assault shuttles were all wrecked along with their mangled scaffolds, the machine shop was a mess, and the debris around him had been strewn about randomly. Oh, and the Lady Fortune was so kind as to present his vibroblade, miraculously unharmed, right within reach before him.

Of course, the minor boon was the furthest thing from the Mandalorian's mind for he was very much occupied by the absurdity before him. The starship of obsidian, the same one that bastard Naruto had used to come here was untouched. Hell, even his astromech droid was still sitting there by the boarding ramp, playing the part of the fool on first fiddle.

The absurdity never ceases, huh? so Sasuke thought, darkly, before his eyes were drawn elsewhere.

He felt it: an --- _incredible _--- permeating warmth, almost divine yet paternal. An untold of strength radiated out from that mesmerizing green light, a strong iron will that even captivated the warrior with him to answer the call; but who's call was..gah! Blood! My..!

Shutting off his Mangekyou Sharingan to save his strength, the Mandalorian discovered he had bit his own lip subconsciously, breaking him out of his daze, and he quickly gave the verbal command to reactivate his helmet. His exosuit was a state of the art powered armor designed to enhance his own body to superhuman limits. He was also armored with mastercraft Mandametal plates that rendered him almost invulnerable to a wide range of conventional arms and resistant to unconventional weaponry, such as: "The Force."

The Jedi were more or less extinct in the wake of the war after the execution of Executive Order 66, upon finding evidence that the psychically-attuned sorcerers and witches were traitors plotting against the Republic. Naturally, the Mandalorian clans were all too happy to see their bitter ancient nemesis go the way of the "Dodo Bird" as the expression went. Sasuke would have liked to have had the opportunity to measure himself up against such a foe, but alas that was no longer possible.

In any case, if this was some kind of psychic attack, shielded in his vacuum sealed exo-suit by layers of electronics and Mandalorian Iron, he was effectively protected from all comers. The problem now: was the shapes he could see emerging from the green brilliance upon the screen of his HUD. One was human, standing tall, who appeared to cradling someone --- the girl? Impossible! --- in his arms, while a huge creature feline beast stood beside him that oddly peaked Sasuke's interest.

The a watchful sentinel emitted a low, rumbling growl that reminded him of thunder. Its silhouette was akin to a coeurl, a fanciful beast he had once fought on the world of Spira that was apt at physical combat and spell-casting amazingly. Coeurls were sentient and remarkably intelligent, and easily recognizable by the pair of tentacles branching off from their muzzles that ended in seven finger-like protrusions, not to mention their body's somewhat grotesque proportions: i.e. their forelegs being twice as long as the hind legs.

Granted, it was all a product of evolution so that they would become the top predators of the crystal forest of Macalania, as being long limbed and generally "springy" helped to scale the vast canopy above much easier. The prey below were practically helpless, and lone humans made for an excellent appetizer. The creature that stood beside the man, however, was no such nightmare.

For a moment, it --- no --- he wore flesh, and his voice rang proud and true from the hall of kings telling the Mandalorian exactly what he was: _aslan_, _Panthera leo_--- a lion. Then, his flesh disintegrated into a shower of light revealing a silver white lion with a golden head, eyes of green, a mane of orange, and gleaming claws of sunlight yellow. The presence of a black jetpack attached to his hindquarters quickly broke any romantic illusions for he was in fact a machine, just like the fellow standing beside him.

The man was armored in a less audacious silvery grey metal compared to the mecha-lion, but upon the left forearm was a golden bracer, part of a matching set accompanied by a gold breastplate and pauldrons he wore as well. The golden helm he wore was hardly a helmet; a pair of "ornamental" horns fanned out the forehead piece into a V-shape. A second set of horns curled downwards, and hugged his temples before ending into a pair of tusks beside his cheeks, while a green analysis lens slipped down over his right eye from the forehead protector. This left his face and head exposed, but clearly the helm was not meant for protection --- but to intimidate.

Sasuke snarled and rose. He could not see the face of man-thing yet because of the bright green glow radiating from him, but the Mandalorian's instincts told him otherwise that he was not mistaken, that he already knew who it was, and he brandished his vibroblade in open challenge:

"**Keh**! _Chakaar_; who are you?"

"That Person" was meant to be seen and held in awe: with an auburn mane that seemed to burn like crimson, and an arm of gold that glowed brightly with the green light of the most precious gem it carried. Emblazoned upon his right breastplate was a stylized "G", a blazing symbol that too shined on the face of the green gem, and he cried out in a powerful voice, answering the challenge without hesitation:

"**Anger**! The Cyborg of Steel / Mane of Crimson / Arm of Gold. Be born! The Will which Fights, the steel heart soul of MEN: G-STONE Conceptual Synergy Device No. XIII --- Cyborg Gai... _ORE, SANJOU_!"

"Cyborg Gai!? He Appears? Is born? What-!"

The brilliance of the gem faded just a little revealing the face of Sasuke's hated enemy, whole again and seemingly healed by some miracle. It seemed the Great Traitor had gone through a "power up" phase, and had become an entirely different person. Sasuke's ire only grew when he found the witch who had taken his eye was unharmed as well, just unconscious in the traitor's arms; in fact, that damned green light seemed to healing her no less!

Dammit, I even went as far as to incinerate the body just to be thorough those eight years ago. The _Mangekyou Sharingan_ are proof that Uzumaki Naruto is dead! But why? Why? Why! Why does he appear before me now?

Soon, the green light faded along with the brilliance of the gem, and the cyborg laid his now amazingly recovered "charge" onto the back of the mecha lion. Sasuke, however, had no interest in the little witch, as the beast roared his acknowledgment and took off for the starship, pausing briefly to "speak" with the droid before they all boarded together. His attention was solely focused on Naruto waiting to see what the idiot dead-last would do now, as they both knew that he was really the only one who mattered anymore.

If he was defeated this time, it would definitely be the end. How ironic it was that a sun would be blessing them again on this stage of conflict, just like one did at sunset that fateful day back --- home. He was going to enjoy this no matter what delusions the _dobe_ had this time around, and sure enough, Naruto did the most "Naruto" thing in the world...

He powerposed: feet spread apart in a semi-battle stance, one hand clenched into a trembling fist, while the other shot outwards with an accusatory gesture, his voice loud with untold of fury:

"_**HEAR ME**_: Uchiha Sasuke! You can't do as you please any more for you have done the unforgivable and awakened **it **at last. I can feel it rising inside my heart; this savage, burning feeling: **Anger**. It cries righteously for me to defeat you!"

Righteousness? A villain like him dares to masquerade as some hyped up hero of justice? By Mandalore's bones, there should be a limit to absurdity!

"Ha, what can a traitor who has turned his back on the world do to harm me?" laughed Sasuke dryly, the red mono-eye on his helmet blazing vehemently. "You've got it all backwards as always, _dobe_. **You **are the no-good villain, always have been and always will be, and I --- I am JUSTICE. It is **I **who will be the one to save our people and bring about a new age of glory, as Mandalore the Messaih!"

"Your eyes are clouded by your own past, Uchiha. I'm not that person, his sins are not mine for I have an infinitely greater responsibility to bear, and I'll prove it to you with these fists!"

"Again, lies! When will you ever learn, _dobe_? You were sick then and you still are sick."

"The only one who's sick is you, Uchiha. But enough, cheap talk: my courage will make you cry!"

"Pitiful fool."

"Come: this Fight begins here!"

With that declaration, the two warriors charged at each other, with Sasuke manifesting yet again that crackling field of electricity around his body. The erratic chirping of a thousand birds filled the air again, but even with the power flowing through his veins, he saw something --- different. Perhaps, it was the handicap of having only one eye operating, not to mention he was no longer observing the blonde directly. However, even without the aid of his exosuit's onboard Targeting Acquisition program, he could tell that the _dobe_ was moving faster, more precise, no trace of...

Fear.

"Aether Arms Armory...Level Alpha...protection cancelled!"

Sensors immediately picked up the sudden heat spike as an energy field enveloped Naruto's in a prismatic array of colors. Particles from the air and matter drawn from the deck beneath his feet coalesced around his outstretched right arm, and formed a giant gauntlet complete with its own articulated fist, before dispersing. It was a flashy aerodynamic design, colored white and blue with a gold trim, and came complete with air intakes and exhaust ports; the purpose of which Sasuke was about to find out.

"Chew on this --- the soaring fist: _BUUSUTO NAKKURU_!"

A "ROCKET PUNCH"!?

Sasuke was so stunned, he almost forget to defend himself. With a snarl, he managed a clumsy improvised swing of the vibroblade, hoping to deflect the roaring projectile at least. Combined with the power of the _Chidori Nagaeshi_, the cutting strength of his vibroblade should have been magnified considerably, which it was as he had cut a damned Baktoid Armor Workshop "Assault Armored Tank-1" in two before. He really hated it when people thought they could run him over for an easy "roadkill" so to speak.

_Clash_!

A blinding shower of sparks filled his HUD, forcing his helmet's photoreceptor to compensate in order to avoid a burn out. The colliding two powers exploded with a surge of blue energy that effectively cancelled each other out, vaporizing the rocket punch and his vibroblade simultaneously. The Mandalorian groaned under stress, fighting the ensuing shockwave to stay on his feet, as he was sent skidding back a tremendous distance, just managing to stop himself before crashing into an overturned assault shuttle.

His limbs felt like jelly, worn out and insubstantial, threatening to buckle beneath his weight. The heat of vaporization had nearly melted straight through the armor plating on his molten gauntlets, but even so he could feel the blisters and blood coagulated beneath in his body glove. The pain and nausea was irritating him to no end, requiring another healthy dose of combat stimulants to make it all go away and make him almost "invincible" again.

"What are you looking at? I'm right --- HERE!"

That insolent-!

Growling under his breath, he strained his neck aside, shifting his posture against his protesting knees, as the glimmering silvery fist surrounded in a buzzing forcefield of some sort. He managed to avoid the worst of it, though the same could not be said for his left shoulder, taking a glancing strike the melted the reactive armor plating to explode outwards in a screaming shower of sparks and fragmentation. His right knee was threatening to buckle under the coalescing forces, but the detonation had also given him an advantage that he could not afford to miss.

Thrown off balance, Naruto was wide open, and in a burst of speed, Sasuke reached back into his storage satchel and procured his rarely used heavy blaster pistol. The BlasTech DL-44 always had been a favorite of his, especially with the efficient galvanic circuitry mod, to blow apart torso-sized pieces of concrete and metal. The armor penetration was also unprecedented in a blaster pistol, able to pierce Stormtrooper-pattern armor consistently to the point where debate has risen to outlaw such a grossly effective weapon.

The downside, of course, was that they had severely limited ammunition. Where as a standard blaster pistol could last upwards of three hundred rounds or more on average, his particular modified DL-44 could only cut loose with twenty-five rounds maximum before the magazine had to be exchanged. Naturally, he was happy to empty everything it had into his hated foe, with extreme prejudice, at point blank range.

"Go to HELL, UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

Twenty-five consecutive flashes lit up the deathly silence, each followed by a destructive fiery bolt of hissing plasma. White hot shrapnel and sparks flew from each impact round, knocking back the armored warrior step by step, as smoke dispersed into the air from vaporizing metal. And as if possessed, Sasuke followed, the rush of the kill leaving his fatigue forgotten, emptying round after round, not even bothered by the pulsing stud on his blaster's pistol grip alerting him that he was about to run out of ammunition. He was concerned with one thing and one thing only: to see Uzumaki Naruto burn to ashes.

Click.

Click.

Click.

What! _Che_, out of ammo, huh? thought the Uchiha in distaste, making to toss the now empty heavy blaster pistol aside. As it was a rarely used weapon, he did not pack any spare power magazines, so he might as well grab a new "toy." Why not a thermal detonator or plasma grenade for good measure, no?

_**Crunch**_.

His wrist!

HIS wrist!

That...

That bastard!

How?

How...

How...

HOW?!

The clattering thud of his heavy blaster was trivial compared to the grim reality of pain: his left hand hanging loose and limp, broken at the wrist where a charred grey hand grasped it in a crushing vice-grip. Standing tall, the proud silhouette of a man became apparent through the smoke and heat, dissipating slowly from the cooling red-hot metal. The air hummed, particles ionizing into glittering sparkles, as the green light from that accursed gemstone roared forth once more!

"_Oi_-_oi_, shithead, didn't you know that sneaky little tricks like that can't defeat me?" grinned Naruto, proudly.

Sasuke gnashed in his disbelief. The heavy blaster had done a number on his hate nemesis, and yet they had failed to pierce the armor. How could this be possible? What sort of power of the lost Golden Age had the _dobe_ recovered through this _Lost Logia_?

"Y-You!"

Oh, if only he could still move, but this green field of power manifest had paralyzed him utterly. His body was already maxed out on stimulants. He was powerless, helpless...! Unbelievable!

"As long as the light of the G-Stone blazes bright, my courage will never die! Now, watch carefully: _this _is the great hero Cyborg Gai-sama's _hissatsu_ technique!"

This --- this has to be some kind of joke! He could not be defeated like this, not by the dead last _dobe_. He was Uchiha Sasuke, the Savior of the Mandalorian Clans!

Absurd.

"_Uuurryyyyyaaaaaaahhhhhh_! My _hissatsu _technique: '_THIS IS THE REAL SOUL OF MEN_'-Headbutt Crash!"

_SUUUU_-_**MASHU**_!

H-He re-al-ly...he-head-butted... Tha...that..._dobe_, ugh!

Black.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 35 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. I have become so thick-skinned thanks to y'all, that it's frankly ridiculous. This is probably the most controversial story I ever wrote, and I can't stop writing it either!

Does that make me a masochist-_nano_?

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh yeah, time again for a small advertising service announcement thingie here: if y'all get bored in between waiting for new episodes, be it anime, manga, or fanfiction and whatnot, but you're still dying for a fresh/unique AU Naruto fic go read _Kara no Kyokai: The Borderline to Emptiness _by **Tempest Dynasty**. He just got chappie 09 out as of this posting. I guarantee, he is the only fella who has the guts to fuse Naruto with a magical girl show and the infamous Warhammer 40K gothic-scifi military tabletop game series. Give it a shot; you won't regret it.

_Tsudzuku_!


	36. Chapter 36

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 36:

Domestic Violence?

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Y-You!"

Oh, if only he could still move, but this green field of power manifest had paralyzed him utterly. His body was already maxed out on stimulants. He was powerless, helpless...! Unbelieveable!

"As long as the light of the G-Stone blazes bright, my courage will never die! Now, watch carefully: _this _is the great hero Cyborg Gai-sama's _hissatsu_ technique!"

This --- this has to be some kind of joke! He could not be defeated like this, not by the dead last _dobe_. He was Uchiha Sasuke, the Savior of the Mandalorian Clans!

Absurd.

"_Uuurryyyyyaaaaaaahhhhhh_! My _hissatsu _technique: '_THIS IS THE REAL SOUL OF MEN_'-Headbutt Crash!"

_SUUUU_-_**MASHU**_!

H-He re-al-ly...he-head-butted... Tha...that..._dobe_, ugh!

Black.

* * *

Well, Headquarters was not going to like the damage assessment report when it came in, but then again, they would not appreciate knowing that two high level "Black-Ops" just stood by and watched the whole incident unfold. Negligence was a viable charge in a court martial hearing, though quite frankly would dare to put them in a court room. They had rubbed shoulders with one too many VIPs, and had established a rather firm --- "mutual" relationship with the said parties. Besides, it was hard to find trustworthy and competent help these days.

Inevitably so, those VIPs would be perfectly willing to overlook damages in the millions of credits, if they could obtain Lost Technology from the Dawn Age when the Golden Empire controlled the stars at will and read the threads of fate, weaving their destinies anew in eternal time. The hangar bay was a mess, requiring likely a month's worth of work for a satisfactory overhaul. Still, at least the rest of the assault frigate was in proper working order, save for the persistent computer virus that would leave the ship dead for at least another hour or two, as the thing was pre-programmed with a limited life cycle, and would erase itself to cover the tracks of the original author.

Being at ground zero to observe the entire "epic" confrontation play out between his pawn and the said author, Commander Anam Tatsumiya was quite pleased by the result. Enough so, to give the newly christened "Arashi Kazama" a standing ovation, along side her lieutenant, Devil Hand, as the "hero" departed off in his sleek black starship. Sure, it was a sloppy fight, considering both of them were being idiots: Sasuke overwhelmed with rage and the hero lost in the throes of despair.

"Still, a headbutt for a climax? How anti-climatic," snorted Anam derisively, surveying the scene. The carnage was impressive, but still not enough to excite him. He had seen much better displays back in the war, and if this was the best his nemesis could do, then the day for his sweet revenge was still a long ways yet. He would have to bear being someone else's --- puppet a bit longer.

Devil Hand whooped in open offense at his remark, snapping an accusatory finger at him, "Are you nuts, head _honchou_?! That was the Best! So cool: the intro, the special effects, ah... He ain't Sugar Gene, but I can't wait to fight him! I shoulda thought of a headbutt finisher first myself."

Ugh, the Balmarian always did have a horrible sense of taste.

"Well, please do not stand there --- ahem! --- _posing _all day long. Go grab Sasuke, so we can head to medical; we have already seen enough here."

"Wha-aaaaaaattttt? Sas-_ghay_ is still alive? I thought he was dead! That headbutt shoulda knocked him _emo _to Seventh Heaven, and that'd be a mercy to us all in da land o' de livin', yes sir."

"I am sorry, Devil Hand, but I assure you he is quite alive, and I dare say --- a _changed_ man. Now, come; we have lots of busy work to do now that another one of **our kind **has _awakened_. And **I **certainly won't allow that bastard to beat us to the _**Jewel Seeds**_."

"Huh?" deadpanned the blonde, a stupefied expression on his face. He honestly did not understand his "Boss" when the Boss got all weird and mysterious like. Then again, not like it was really a problem he cared about because the Boss always showed him to the best fights, gave him plenty of "who's your daddy now?!" money to go searching for Lost Logia, while dishing out brimstone and hellfire to anybody he pleased.

And lo, he found himself dragging the unconscious Uchiha along by the leg, making sure his head bumped into every nook and cranny on the way down to the medical bay. Just because he was injured did not mean Devil Hand had to be nice to him. Besides, he was an ass who never sparred with him, not matter how nicely he asked!

Serves him right, hmph.

* * *

Warm.

Light.

Flowers.

Sweet.

Green.

Water.

Stream.

Flowing.

Nostalgic.

Blood...iron...copper?

"Hm? Oh, you're awake, _Magistra_?" a familiar masculine voice hummed against her.

It was a bit difficult to take in everything at once. For starters, she had not seen sun and blue skies for quite some time, and suddenly being bombarded with colors and pleasant aromatic smells did not help either. The last thing she remembered before slipping into darkness yet again was pain, specifically the being cooked alive and/or electrocuted variety that knocked her out like a fried "L.E.D.". Oh, what she would do for some pain killers right about now, as she felt a monster migraine coming down on her.

Unconsciously, Fate Testarossa raised her hand to message aching brow, as she asked an question aloud...

"Ugh, where am I?"

...she really did not expect it to be answered in her present daze.

"Home, _Magistra_, or at least I assume it is. The Garden of Time itself, I think is like a giant _Lost Logia_, as the things I've seen here and the things it can do are unprecedented in any texts on architecture and technology I've got in my database. If _Maestra_ Precia hadn't wanted me to come to the Spring formal garden, I don't think I could've found my own way..."

Surprised, she was suddenly very aware of where she was and what was happening, as the fellow continued to ramble on his own adage. She was being carried in the arms of a man, bridal style, who was the spitting image of...

"Mi-Mister K-Ka-zama!?"

His steady gait stopped, and he fixed her with an wide-eyed expression, his blue eyes almost azure, a little curious and a little sheepish --- just like she had seen in one of Linith's holo-photos. All that was missing was the slice of toast in his mouth, and his Bureau uniform amiss, as if he were in a hurry to go somewhere and...

"Kya! You're bleeding from the forehead!"

B-But, wait a minute here, how could Lieutenant Arashi Kazama be here? He was a Bureau Special Investigations officer! He can't be here! And-and, he should be...!

The Professor, as Linith dubbed him, gave an embarrassed laugh, which only made her more flustered. If they really were home, and mother was here... Oh no, this is terrible! Mother will kill him on sight! How did he even find this place? Did Linith bring him here? But no, that was impossible; Linith would never...

"Err, _Magistra_ Fate, I appreciate your feelings. In fact, assigning me an official designation, um, name at the time and your heroics really saved us back on the _Dauntless_...but it doesn't change the fact what you did was forbidden by _Maestra_ Precia. She's not going to like it if she finds out you named me. Blurting it out in front of her isn't going to help either. So let's keep it a secret, all right?"

Huh? What?

"Ah, I guess you're confused, _Magistra_. The shock must've been worse than I thought, but don't worry, I think you'll remember everything soon enough... Well, there's no time to explain really, as _Maestra_ Precia is waiting up ahead at the plaza. We really can't afford to make her --- wait. Still, please be aware I am not a human, and you've got to think of me as such. Call me: machine, thing, hey you, or whatever else you can think of; make it sound as derogatory as you can in _Maestra_ Precia's presence."

She did not understand. How could he not be human? He looked human, bled red just like a human, expressed emotions, was breathing air just like her and...

"Anyways, I'm sorry," he apologized to her, kneeling down on the uniform stone path, "but are you strong enough to walk on your own from here? I'd carry you; however, such an act'd arouse suspicion, not to mention the _Maestra_'s anger. She is --- a woman who _detests _weakness."

She breathed, "W-Wait, if you're not..."

"I'm not the Arashi Kazama you know. Specifically, I am **an **Arashi Kazama you created by naming me, **your **Arashi Kazama and yours only --- it's all part of the contract."

A contract? Wait, so this isn't...!

At the sudden realization, Fate leapt out of his grasp, the warm smooth tiles against her bare feet registering briefly. Humiliation and fiery emotions warred within, as she backpedaled away a healthy distance, dropping into an amateurish unarmed combat form. She knew now what he was, that Lost Logia --- imposter --- wardroid...and... Oh, it was so frustrating; the girl could not believe how she had made a complete fool of herself in front of the --- the thing!

She shot him a frosty glare, her expression impassive, daring him to mock her.

"Ehehehe... I see you're back to your usual cool self. The expression '_like mother_, _like daughter_' works here, at least according to my Incursion Assumption Management protocols. Still, I feel kinda wounded, but I guess it's expected of a defect like me, rejected even by --- well, the person I think I'm supposed to protect for real."

...ugh, what was this --- thing's game? Why was it pitying itself? Is it trying to earn her sympathy? The thing already told her that it was not human, so why was it imitating human emotions?

"Anyways, thanks for naming me nonetheless. Though that was probably the first and last time I'll get to use that name. Don't worry about the blood on my forehead; the synth-skin already healed a while ago when we were in transit, _Magistra_. I hope you're prepared for what's about to happen, as you and me both know what the _Maestra_, your mother, is capable of... Oh, and please, lead the way. It's starting to get stormy, probably will rain soon too."

By the Stars, this --- this thing is really irritating! How dare he shamelessly --- fl-flaunt his own doubts, weaknesses, and emotions in the open, and to her no less? Did it honestly expect her to listen to it? If this --- this thing really is a warmachine from the Golden Age of Al-Hazard, why did they build something that was so...

No.

**Too human**.

That's it!

That was her answer; the reason why she was... Angry? Envious? Irrational?

"Follow. We have wasted enough time. Mother, waits," Fate ordered it, her burgundy eyes like cold chips of flint, as she spun about face and marched off. She did not how her words had affected the thing, but it hesitated long enough in joining the slap of her feet against the tiled path with its own footsteps, to let her know it had perhaps been wounded by her demeanor. Strangely, this brought mixed feelings of triumph and sadness --- like regret --- in her own heart.

No.

She would not falter. She would not be weak. Fate would not allow this doll, this fake, this imitation to replace Linith. Her most important person could not be gone; no matter how dangerous the mission, Linith had always come back home. She was not the type to screw up, and her plans were fool proof. There was no way Linith was...!

Picking up the pace, they marched onwards as the thunderheads rolled in, and the patter of rain followed.

* * *

Miserable.

The cyborg had to admit that Precia was really good at setting the mood: formal garden? Check. Rain and thunder? Check. Bursts of lightning? On the way. It was a perfect stage setter for his inevitable doom. He could already feel the echoes of fear signals in his innerspace, having yet to contaminate the ego matrix, but motor and physical anomalies were beginning to rise up in the growing tension. Though it seemed she only been enjoying her afternoon tea moments ago at her table under the comfortable envelope of a broad stylized umbrella, he doubted her mood was pleasant at all.

Hovering by the _Maestra_'s side was the familiar sight of her trusted magical device, _Astaroth_. The cyborg had his own private theories, as to how the cruel woman was able to control her device remotely, anything from a neural uplink to genuine ESP. Though theories aside, there was no doubt the pitch-black quarterstaff, with its iconic devilish bat, wings spread out as in flight, perched at its head, made for a menacing silent sentinel. The device seemed to sneer at all who approached, a sinister intent unseen to the eye but felt by the heart.

The silence dragged on for sometime, filled only by the cool ambience of rain and thunder. The weather did not really bother him, as the sneaking suit still provided adequate protection from the elements. What he found to be bothering him worse, and compounding the growing tension, was Fate's worsening condition. He had to praise her self-control for it was a subtle motion that even his photoreceptor could barely pick up, but even such a thing could not hide from his infrared scans. Somebody or something had lowered the temperature drastically, and the girl's inadequate clothing was unable to keep her warm.

Now, he did not know how sterile the Garden was kept, not to mention she could have picked up a "bug" or two during her custody with the Bureau. However, the cyborg should not rule out the possibility of an infection once this --- debriefing was over. His immediate concern was the more likely and serious case of hypothermia...

Wait...

Why was he worrying about Fate Testarossa? She had rejected him. This "Contract" --- or whatever the hell it was, as he felt honestly he was grasping at wisps of smoke in the dark --- should be null and void! She was not his responsibility...any longer?

Impossible; had he become "attached" to this little blonde-haired girl in such a short amount of time? Understandably, he had been made, at least he presumed, in the image of his masters from so long ago...

Memorandum to self: try to update the internal database with all historical information on the present state of the galaxy, not to mention any other information that would be useful in daily operations or long-term assignments. He was starting to get frustrated by not knowing a lot of things, as it hindered his ability to make accurate, educated decisions. Knowledge was power and the fact that he was bereft of it made him all the easier to...

...control?

The sudden chime of fine china resting on its saucer interrupted his thoughts, and just in time too, as he saw Precia rise out from her seat. The invisible sinister air grew heavier, and in a seemingly choreographed routine, Fate dropped to one knee, a fist planted to the ground and her head held low. A gesture that was not unlike a subject bowing before her master, which struck him as odd, that is until the _Maestra_'s deathly cold gaze swept over him. He almost jumped for the stimuli caused a sudden explosion of fear signals, sending neatly capitulating on the ground; any sense of self-respect gone, just an urgent need for self-preservation.

"How long has it been since we last spoke, _daughter_ of mine?" Precia grasped her device, which conveniently shrank in size down to a handy scepter.

Or he dare say...a _mace_.

Fate's reply was crisp and to the point, "Roughly three months, Honored Mother."

She betrayed no emotion despite the cruel chill, even as the blackened stormy sky rumbled at her matron's approach. Amazingly, the rain itself seemed to part around Precia as not a single drop of dew touched her. She was seemingly admiring her scepter, twirling it this way and that, but each playful "whoosh" confirmed the cyborg's on growing fears worse; she was testing the weight and balance.

"Tell me, _daughter _of mine, **where **--- are your clothes?"

"I lost them, Honored Mother."

...WHAT?

"Hmmm. Tell me, _daughter_ of mine, **what **--- became of the device I lent you?"

"I broke _Stheno_, Honored Mother."

Why are they playing twenty questions at a time like this?

"Ah, so I see. Tell me, _daughter _of mine, **how **--- long did they _play _with you?"

"A month, Honored Mother."

The cyborg did not even have the chance to spare a thought before his fears became reality in full by the sudden stop of the steady eerie clicks of Precia's stiletto heels that accompanied her predatory, silky gait...

...the She-wolf stalking her prey...

And then, the whistling blow came; his head bolted upright unbidden as he watched the flat of bat-headed scepter crush into Fate Testarossa's shoulder. The blow was enough to send her toppling over onto the ground in a heap, yet amazingly she made not a sound. Her expression masked by her long bangs, and unreadable to him, as she struggled to rise. Of course, he had seen it coming; he knew the Maestra was capable of such cruelty for he had experienced it first hand.

But, still --- how could a mother do **that **to her own child!? And she was laughing! Amused by the act, as a low vehement hiss filled the air in tune to a constant rattling. She set her device aside; hovering in mid-air on its power seemingly, the bloodstained scepter grew back to its full quarterstaff form, with red runes now glowing visibly along its length. The air grew thick and heavy, dreadful from the power that radiated forth from _Astaroth_, as something "detached" out from Precia's shadow.

"Ah-ah-Ahahaha! My, my, _daughter _of mine, that was the best joke you have told me in a _long _time," she chuckled, as the long tendril of black slithered its way up her sensuous form. "Now tell me --- be honest! --- just **how **much do you think you told them?"

Fate grit her teeth, trying her best not to let an ounce of her pain show in her strained voice, "...Nothing, Honorable Mother."

"So you mean, you came home --- _empty _handed on purpose, that you allowed yourself to be caught, so those --- old, old 'ickle farts could do as they pleased with you? _Squeeze _you dry of every last drop, hmmm?"

Though the words were not directed at him, the cyborg could feel the aftershocks of anger rising beyond his control, and worse yet, helplessness. At a time like this he could watch... Twin glowing pits of gazed balefully outwards at what appeared to be the head of the black tendril, as it coiled around Precia's outstretched arm. A single "fatal" kiss blessed it, and the serpent immediately transformed into a wicked whip that she stretched taut with an ominous crack, testing its worth.

"Lies. Lies. _Lying _to your own Mama... What an ungrateful, spoiled child; perhaps, I was right to think you **don**'**t** _love _Mama anymore. Oh, who; oh, who could have stolen my little Fate away from my bosom?"

"N-No! That's not true; I-I!"

"_Tsk_, _tsk_, you have been a naughty child, 'ickle Fate, but let me let you in on a little secret, mmm? You see, with those dirty, filthy --- _used _--- holes of yours, you have already killed the one you really loved more than Mama. Beautiful, is it not?"

Just when things could not get any worse, they did as the cyborg watched on, inwardly gritting his teeth. His exterior sensors detected the air temperature dropping even more: vapors visibly floating in the air from his own aerobic respiration. Thunder rumbled as the rain abated and a dense frigid fog began to settle over them like a cocoon, blotting out the dark sky.

"Wh-What?" Fate blanched, as a sneer twinkled in her mother's veiled eyes. So great was her terror that she did not even notice the chill that had gripped her trembling form.

"No need to play dumb. You know very well what you did, and your most precious person is no longer here to share your --- _ugliness_. ...She's gone, Fate. Gone; all because of you, betrayed by her loved one, and murdered by the hand of her lover. But, oh my! It **still**. Gets. Better."

Damn that woman and her sing-a-song tone. She was enjoying this immensely, mocking her own daughter, toying with her, tearing that fragile heart to pieces, and spitting on the refuse. Again, there was not a thing...

"You see Officer Kazama arrived at the scene, just in time for that --- _thing _over there: _to awaken_. And like all --- _monsters_ --- that have slept for so long, it was very, very **hungry**, my little Fate. Flesh. Blood. _Every_-thing. **It **took everything and left nothing to waste. Now, the two star-crossed **lovers**, _ufufufufu_, will be f-o-r-e-v-e-r _together _in the belly of the beast.How poetic, yes?"

...he could...?!

"N-N-No, _no_! Th-Tha-That's a lie...!"

_Thwip_!

The crack was deafening to his ears, though it may have been insignificant to others. Like a bomb going off, it set loose a chain reaction of events: blood splurting from the fresh laceration across her cheek, and tears flowing from terror stricken eyes. The cub had grossly erred. Blood was in the air and the she-wolf was mad now, her eyes wide awake with bloodlust, as the entire length of her whip crackled loudly with electricity.

"Oh, no. Oh, _no_! You did not just call Mama a _**LIAR**_, did _you_ now?" Precia sneered at her daughter, baring her gleaming white teeth openly in a sick smile.

"N-N-No, I-!"

Hardly did Fate get a chance to blubber her fearful reply when the next blow fell, swift and sudden. There was a flash of sparks, and an instant later, she was a screaming mess, thrashing about on the ground, as she clawed at her wounded side. Steam rose from her blistering skin, the powered "neurowhip" had torn through her meager clothing opening a shallow bleeding gash upon her virgin flesh. The weapon could be made to kill easily depending on the settings and the skill of the user, but considering he had been on the receiving end before, he knew for a fact that Precia was very, **very **good at _this _particular art:

Torture. Retraining the mind. Obliterating any trace of will. Breaking the sentient until it was little more than a slavish beast at her beck and call.

She would make you believe anything she commanded, inevitably.

"Oh, too late now. Much too late, Fate has been a bad child for too long, and it is time --- for Mama to teach her a lesson."

Again.

"Apologize, Fate! Tell Mama how sorry you are. Tell Mama how much you love me! ...And maybe this will all end?"

Again.

"_M_-m-_Ma_-_ma_!"

Again.

"I can't **HEAR **you. Louder, louder, louder! Say it, with more love, my sweet little Fate!"

And again...

* * *

_Oi_, you shit.

You are not planning on just sitting here, are you?

Sure, logic dictates _that woman _would not kill her own flesh and blood, for the girl is her "Favorite".

The human condition is what entertains her so, and death --- would be a mercy.

I never did like their kind: _control freaks_.

Still, just letting the strong-headed fool get herself torn up does not exactly sit well with me, even though she did reject **us** and **the contract**.

**Contractors **like **us** are useless unless the client accepts our services.

Yes...this does seem like a fine opportunity to --- ingratiate ourselves into her _good _graces, do you not think so?

Hehehe, yes; a perfect opportunity...

On the other hand, **you **have no say in this for I already know how to proceed, and could careless for your insecurities, _doll_.

Now...

...GO.

* * *

"STOP IT!"

**Splatter**.

If such a weapon as the neurowhip was effective on humans, than it was doubly so for the cyborg. Quite literally, his left field of vision exploded into red from his eye being shredded in an instant, the "teeth" along the length of the whip leaving a jagged bleeding slash upon his ruin face. Searing hot "pain" signals invaded his frying neurocortex: nausea, distorted time, blinking darkness, sizzling flesh, showers of white splotches, a kaleidoscope of errors with red lights on all panels. The thud of his knees hitting the ground was an absurdly loud crack to his scrambled senses, on the verge of a complete system shut down in moments...

...but he did not shut down.

"What, _you ---_ **you **dare-!?" Precia gasped in astonishment. To think this _doll_ that belonged to her would interfere, get in **her **way! Unthinkable.

"That's enough. I'll take responsibility for the _Magistra_; all of it!"

What's this, the _**thing **_had become --- bolder?

"...Ah-ha...AH-hahahhaha! My, my, Fate has been a even naughtier child than **I **thought. She even went so far as to _play _--- with Mama's toys..._yes_?"

It was as if _**it **_was a different --- "person" altogether, as if...

"That's **enough**, I said!"

Precia smirked, her violet eyes gleaming with a newborn joy.

"Well, well, it seems I no longer have a use for you, _daughter _of mine. _Fufufu_, **begone**, you _cur_; for my spite something new to _prey _upon."

With a single thought, the world around crumbled away like a collapsing deck of cards, and Fate disappeared as well. Darkness was abound, the resonating hum of air being funneled in through ducts and vents filling the ambience, and so they had arrived to one of her favorite chambers. The air was sterilized with a faint lemony disinfectant, giving off the impression more so of an operating room, which it was to her: with its many silvery surgical implements, precise or invasive, sitting on lit workstations. An array of tanks filled with glowing bubbling fluids in a prism of colors stood by along the perimeter, while front and center, illuminated by an overhead lamp, was the iconic set piece that defined this sanctuary:

**The Rack**.

"Now then, let us get _started _--- shall we? Time to learn more about what makes the _doll_ tick..."

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Well, there you have it. Chapter 36 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. Yeah, I know it's been like a month since the last episode, but hey, at least the contro-jin magic is back. I got sidetracked a lot with some new games, real life, and Touhou, so please, don't sue me.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	37. Chapter 37 Crescendo ED

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 37:

Heavy

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Precia smirked, her violet eyes gleaming with a newborn joy.

"Well, well, it seems I no longer have a use for you, _daughter _of mine. _Fufufu_, **begone**, you cur; for my spite has found something new to _prey _upon."

With a single thought, the world around crumbled away like a collapsing deck of cards, and Fate disappeared as well. Darkness was abound, the resonating hum of air being funneled in through ducts and vents filling the ambience, and so they had arrived to one of her favorite chambers. The air was sterilized with a faint lemony disinfectant, giving off the impression more so of an operating room, which it was to her: with its many silvery surgical implements, precise or invasive, sitting on lit workstations. An array of tanks filled with glowing bubbling fluids in a prism of colors stood by along the perimeter, while front and center, illuminated by an overhead lamp, was the iconic set piece that defined this sanctuary:

**The Rack**.

"Now then, let us get _started _--- shall we? Time to learn more about what makes the _doll_ tick..."

* * *

It was hard to say just exactly when the cyborg "awakened." Much like his initial reactivation, the on-board geospatial chronometer had again malfunctioned, leaving yet another gap in his memory banks' time index. Granted, the newest gap in particular was fairly recent, but without a reference he would not be able to establish a reliable time frame. Of course, not that any of those concerns mattered anymore, thanks to succession by the personality layer.

What did that mean? Simple, the cyborg was thinking less and less like "machine" and more like a "human." Oh, joy...and to think such a dramatic change in behavior was actually benefiting his efficiency to an extent: that is, his direct "consciousness" was no longer split between elementary processes and monitoring systems, and instead, could focus its full "might" on the evolving dynamic situations the cyborg was experiencing firsthand. Granted, with his near limitless processing power, such a measure should not even be necessary.

But the reality remains...I am a _defect_, the cyborg surmised in his hazy thoughts. Sub-standard transplanted parts. Missing files. Unreliable data stacks. _Fragments_. "Ghosts" in the system. Inoperable functions. I am nowhere near as powerful as I should be...

But so what if he were to attain that power once more? What was he supposed to do with himself? He was a weapon made in the image of his masters, a laughable caricature doomed to a life of servitude and bloodshed. There was no reason to do anything at all, not even to remain "awake", for he simply needed to wait until the next "mission."

Alas, he was now lying to himself with such fatalistic dreams. The cyborg would like to believe that his existence was a clear blank slate made to be written upon by others, but that could not be true for why else would he have followed those --- abnormalities in his "consciousness" --- and saved the girl? Indeed, he was not a "thing", just a program that would follow whatever inputs to produce its inherent preset outputs, much to his growing horror for the cyborg feared there was something terribly wrong with him --- worse than a mere "defect."

He was a machine first and foremost: thus, all illogical possibilities of those "Voices," the broken fragments of "Memory" that did not exist in his system, could not be traced... Ugh, those absurdities could not be of supernatural origin! Hell, he was not even "alive" by organic standards.

So what could they be then? What was their motive? Was it some kind of hidden ulterior program running beneath his notice? Inaccessible, immaterial, yet everything, everywhere, and nowhere at once? What was the true nature of the Contract they hinted at? What did it have to do with...

Suddenly, his "senses" blared to life and he was thrust back into the real world with a sharp spike of pain, hammering into the base of a neck. A gurgling cry rasped out from his throat, as a electric pitched whine invaded his ears. Something was forcefully bringing back to full consciousness, systems rebooting, and then...

..._**Numb**_.

He literally had no feeling from his neck down, like somebody had ripped his head clean off from his own shoulders. Knowing Precia, however, that possibility was not zero, and considering his less than human vitality, it would not be impossible to survive the ordeal either. At this time, the cyborg had no comprehensive sensory input at all save for his singular operational photoreceptor could bring in, focusing slowly --- colors, shapes, lighting --- and his auditory pick-ups.

It appeared to be the medical bay: a homely clinic at first glance, filled with the lemony scent of disinfectant in the ambient humming air, and "warm" lighting so as to soften the harshness of grayish-white walls. The space was occupied in an orderly fashion with a small office here for the resident MD, two medical droids on stand-by at their maintenance racks, a sizeable medicine closet, two beds, and an operating table. Of course, there were also two giant bacta stasis tanks, empty at the moment, and large enough to accommodate an adult organism of most species.

As for himself, he was in some kind of high-tech medical "tub", submerged from the neck down in a jade green fluid that glowed intermittently. The green glow contrasted with the macro-joined nanites swimming in the "bath," making them visible as sparkles. Additional apparatus and sophisticated machinery was clustered around the tub too, with a plethora of cables and jacks, trailing out from himself to the machines that hummed, beeped, skittered, and squeaked ever so often.

Funny, I feel just like an insect caught in a spider's web, the cyborg mused to himself, with a dreary smirk. I survived...again. The _Maestra_, obviously, was not serious about killing me. After all, that's not the point of torture...

Though I wonder what she learned about me this time around?

Such thoughts, however, would have to wait as a familiar presence made itself known to him:

"You are awake."

If he had anymore personality, he might have choked, guffawed, or overreacted spectacularly in comedic fashion. But being disembodied, reduced to the rather pathetic situation of a talking head hooked up to "life support" did not really do well for his "good humor." Still, protocol dictated that the cyborg had to at least exercise some measure of civilty...

...even if Fate Testarossa was one of the last persons he wished to see right now. He was all kinds of messed up ever since meeting her, and quite frankly, he did not know if he wanted to be anywhere in her vicinity period because his string of unfortunate events had begun ever since their first meeting! By the stars, the cyborg would bet his remaining good "eye" that the girl was here to question him on his actions, making him feel even more miserable because he could not answer her accusations either.

Hell, he could not even trust himself right now! Who was he supposed to be anyway? That "Uzumaki Naruto" --- The Traitor? "Kazama Arashi" --- The Murderer? Just what? Why, oh, why did she have to appear before him now?

Well, at least she was looking a lot healthier than the last time he saw her. All traces of malnourishment gone in such a short amount of time, and the wonders of modern medicine had made certain there was not a scratch on her. She was perfect, good as new, with her long hair dolled up in two twin ponytails by black satin ribbons. Gone was the meager slip, instead the Magistra was adorned with a fashionable hooded cloak (as fitting of her profession), black felt boots with reds ties, and a modest longsleeved white mini-dress with red ornamental belts on the cuffs of her sleeves.

If he were human, the cyborg may have told her she was: adorable, cute, pretty... Alas, such words were not for him to say, and wholly inappropriate considering his existence as a mere possession, a thing to be owned, an object. But she was his superior, and the blood relation of his owner, so he had no choice but to oblige her a response:

"_M-Ma_...Ma-Gist-RA?" he croaked aloud.

...wait a second, he just croaked?! Were his vocal...ah, hell just recalibrate the damned thing already.

Now, he expected her to call him out, scream at him, or at least be very unpleasant with him. What the cyborg got instead, much to his chagrin, was a full blown mission briefing out of the blue. By the stars, he had just been forcefully woken up and already Precia had a mission for him? And what's with Fate? How could she just stand there in his presence without any sign of revulsion or emotion, period? Did not she feel anything at all about the recent revelations?

Ugh, at least he was not due to deploy for about a month. The _Maestra _had a lead on the Jewel Seeds location, thanks to her vast information assets, and they were due to arrive on a little known backward blue planet (miraculously inhabited by humans) in the Unknown Regions in some thirty odd days. The mishap where the _Lost Logia _were originally lost occurred in a hyperspace column and not in ordinary lightspeed travel; hence, the artifacts were immaterial and irretrievable until they rematerialize back in normal space. How her bed fellows had the technology to track such minute things in the vastness of space was beyond the cyborg's imagination at present, not that it particular mattered.

A mission was a mission, nothing more to it. The real sticking point came in the form that Precia had done the unthinkable yet again, by pairing both he and Fate together for the coming mission. In the next thirty days, they would familiarize themselves with each other, that is learning to live, work, and fight together as an efficient and uncompromising fighting force. Not to mention, they would also become fluent in the language, customs, and culture of a particular people on the planet they were about to set foot upon, and where they would also integrate themselves under fabricated identities --- their alter egos --- in society as perfectly "ordinary citizens."

Apparently, Mister Leonard Testarossa would be their instructor and advisor for the training period, as he was most familiar with the culture of they were about to be immersed in. He was also the master of arms, so if there was any particular requisitions of wargear and such they needed, they should report to him at once. Naturally, his weapons expertise will also make him one of their evaluators in combat exercises right next to Precia herself. Classes begin tomorrow at 0700 hours sharp, which is exactly when his --- the cyborg that is --- repair cycle will be finished.

"Questions?" Fate asked him blandly.

By the Stars... **That** was a lot to swallow. Hell, it was _**unreal**_! If it was just him, he would be ready to deploy in forty-eight hours or less, but the _Maestra_ expected **them --- **_together _**--- **to accomplish all of that in just one month? To put aside recent revelations and festering ill-will just like that? This was absurd!

"If not, then I shall ratify our contract as '_Master and Familiar_'. Mother has informed me I have been registered in your system, and all that remains is my..."

The girl never finished the rest, but the cyborg had a pretty good idea where she was going with this; he would have to be a fool to mistake her intentions at this point, as Fate stepped against the "tub" and leaned over, her hands reaching out for his dead face. Two trains of thought hit him with the force of a fifty-caliber armor piercing bullet, neatly taking his breath away: 1. Terror. 2. Glee. Something --- _inside_ had been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now, its wish was about to come true. It drowned out all other protests, except for **his **own.

This was wrong.

Closer and closer she came...and for a moment, he panicked, eyes darting about frantically, upon realizing just how helpless he was to stop her. A miracle; what the cyborg needed was a miracle to stop this perverse mockery of ceremony from happening. If only he had the strength to speak...!

And then, it happened: the cyborg found himself possessed by a _voice _not of his own yet like him. He sounded young, the warmth of a man who had not lost sight of his ideals, kind and passionate, but even so, the bittersweet taste of sorrow had poisoned his heart and there was much regret in his voice. It spoke to her impossibly so, articulate and unimpeded by his own technical shortcomings:

"How much longer are you going to keep lying to yourself, Fate?"

The reaction was instantaneous. The young girl froze on the spot, her hands clasping his cheeks growing dreadful cold, as the shock registered in her burgundy red eyes. She knew --- recognized **this** voice, this tone, this pitch...

"A contract formed on false pretenses like this, is hollow, empty --- _meaningless_. What you really want to do right now is **kill **me, isn't that right? After all, I took away your only happiness..."

"Sh-Shut up, _you_-!" Fate hissed at him, her head hung low so that her bangs would mask her broiling emotions. The words of "_that man_" had robbed her of her cool apathy, doing as she was told when she was told. "What, what would _**you **_know --- how I-! No, no! You're wrong; Mama is all I need..."

"Linith's gone, and not only that, I robbed you of your vengean-!"

**Rage**.

"Shut up."

Her nails sank in like claws to the flesh, drawing crimson, and still the bastard continued to speak!

"I don't believe your mother is the kind of woman who would..."

With a howling shriek, she gouged into his face, ripping away at the synthetic flesh and tissues. Blood and fluids spurted out of the terrible gashes, but still the monster before her did not flinch the slightest bit in pain, and with its only good eye, it stared right back at her. Hollow, empty, meaningless --- the same words it had used moments ago perfectly described its condition.

"See, I'm monster. Go ahead, do it. If you're a human being, and not a doll, then..."

It was pleading for death.

"No. NO. I won't be used by you!"

And the monster flinched! Yes, the monster flinched. She had caught on to its game. If Mother could see her now, she would be so proud of her, surely. No doubt, she had found out, the leverage she needed to control this --- **abomination** --- from the Age of Dreams!

"You, you _monster_; I am going to make you _live _with what you have done. I'll never forgive you. I'll make you suffer for the rest of your days with the bloodstains on your hands. You'll pay. You'll pay, you hear me!? I'll make you KILL, again, and again, and again! And make the world revile you, monster! I'll make sure you will never be loved! I, I --- I _**hate **_you, **Arashi Kazama**!"

With those words said, Fate withdrew her bloodied hands, and shoved his disembodied head back into green conductive fluid. The violent motion yanked out several of the cables and jacks hooked up to him, throwing the cyborg back suddenly into the oblivion of darkness. Just like that, he was alone **again **with his worst enemy: himself.

Wonderful...

She hates me.

Not as if I had a choice about anything to begin with...follow her, serve her, kill for her...

Because I deserve it...

Because I am just a doll, a program designed to behave inherently so with no will of my own and to obey...

Because she has decided I will become "Kazama Arashi" --- The Murderer.

* * *

While a troubled man-machine thing slumbered in nightmares, elsewhere across the galaxy, seated at a desk by lamp light in his humble private quarters, an old man was dealing with his own demons, pen and paper in hand. In his hey-days Grand Admiral Gil Graham had been hailed many things: a war hero, a hero, and one of the legendary Three Admirals whom lead the Bureau to glory unsurpassed in its first forays into the galaxy. But as with all mortal men, he had suffered the wrath of time, grown old and grey, so much that he had been forced to become a pencil pusher and retire behind a desk wherefore he helped to shape the delicate peace of the galaxy from the shadows. Indeed, the gentleman never imagined he would be reduced to a codgy old spider, sitting in his web, and weaving out threads into an ever grander pattern.

Indeed, the Englishman never dreamed he would have come so far away from his native home, Earth.

Though not to be vain, Gil thought himself to quite the handsome "galactic civil servant" at sixty something: his close cropped grey hair, beard, and mustache smartly trimmed. He had managed to keep down the weight and away from his belly with daily exercise, even if his routine would only add more paperwork on his desk by the time he got back from the gym. His blue eyes were still clear and lucid, and though he was not strong as he used to be, he could still give the young stallions a run for their money in sorcery, and the immaculate pressed dress blue uniform certainly helped.

Alas, that does not change the fact I really ought to find me a successor soon, thought the old man with an inward sigh. I am getting on a bit in years now, and I need some smart youth I can trust to entrust the fate of the galaxy itself to... With the Jedi gone, and the Galactic Senate running the show back on Coruscant unopposed. It is only a matter of time before somebody **ambitious **rises to the --- _occasion_ --- and then, we will truly see the birth of a new terror, a Tyrant.

He was sorely regretting not settling down and starting a family of his own. Always too busy, and the women he cared enough for --- well, that was a story for another time. Technically, he had adopted a girl way back home, but her --- _destiny_ --- lay elsewhere. He could only hope she could live happily until the dreadful day of reckoning came.

In the meantime, while he was still able, Gil had bigger fish to fry. Being the policemen of the known galaxy was no easy feat, and presently, he was very much so concerned over the practices of his own organization. A report from his private --- Mandalorian commandos, had revealed some rather disturbing facts: to think they would go as far as to bend convention in their favor to torture a nine-year-old girl for information was barbaric and distasteful...! The time of war had long passed, and his officers could not just do whatever they pleased. Thanks to them, they had made another enemy in the shadows (whom his boys had luckily managed to survive encounter with, thank God), and another dangerous artifact from the Dawn Age was likely falling into the wrong hands.

The Jewel Seeds, a powerful talisman created by the masters of Al-Hazard, separated into twenty-one pieces. Its powers were beyond understanding, shrouded in mystery and wonder for it was said to be capable of reproducing miracles; the highest of which was the power to grant a single wish, any wish, and make it --- **reality**.

Now, his only lead in tracking down the damnable thing was gone, not to mention he may have lost another soul he could have saved. On top of all that, he had also lost his best friend's son over this bloody fiasco too! What a fool Clyde Leo Haraoun must think him, if the great man could see him today: an old man past his time wrestling desperately with the maelstrom that is the galaxy's fate. Hah, and just to rub some more salt into his wounds, that man's wife refused to take leave or anything because she was absolutely, blooming confident that her son was still alive; hence, there was no reason for her to call off her mission, that is charting and exploring the Unknown Regions where his native Earth resided. It was such a fascinating region of the galaxy that she honestly could not resist the opportunity to get away from the paperwork back at headquarters.

Besides, Admiral Lindy Sieglinde Haraoun Le Fay admonished him that she was already on vacation anyways!

Ugh, the exuberance of youth... They were all going to be the death of him some day, Gil swore to himself. He still could not believe he had married those two off together in the middle of a firefight on a sinking base star just some twenty odd years ago, and was asked yet again, to be the best man at the official wedding after the war was over. But, the youth were too the only ones capable of carrying the burden of responsibility he was about to leave at the table.

"Retirement" was seriously looking better and better, but first things first he had to care of this case and a few more other --- loose ends --- before he could officially leave the stage of history and become yet another power...in the _land of shadows_.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 37 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh yeah, time again for a small advertising service announcement thingie here: if y'all get bored in between waiting for new episodes, be it anime, manga, or fanfiction and whatnot, but you're still dying for a fresh/unique AU Naruto fic go read _Kara no Kyokai: The Borderline to Emptiness _by **Tempest Dynasty**. He just got chappie 12 out as of this posting. I guarantee, he is the only fella who has the guts to fuse Naruto with a magical girl show and the infamous Warhammer 40K gothic-scifi military tabletop game series. Give it a shot; you won't regret it.

Also, just to be sure here: next episode we are going to Earth and the Jewel Seed Arc/Magical Lyrical Nanoha storyline kicks into high gear. Hope ya look forward to it.

_Tsudzuku_!


	38. Chapter 38

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 38:

Wake Up

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Besides, Admiral Lindy Sieglinde Haraoun Le Fay admonished him that she was already on vacation anyways!

Ugh, the exuberance of youth... They were all going to be the death of him some day, Gil swore to himself. He still could not believe he had married those two off together in the middle of a firefight on a sinking base star just some twenty odd years ago, and was asked yet again, to be the best man at the official wedding after the war was over. But, the youth were too the only ones capable of carrying the burden of responsibility he was about to leave at the table.

"Retirement" was seriously looking better and better, but first things first he had to care of this case and a few more other --- loose ends --- before he could officially leave the stage of history and become yet another power...in the _land of shadows_.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was _pissed_.

His pride and honor had been wounded, and outrage consumed him like madness. It would not do; it just would not do; unacceptable, that he would waste his days away prowling through the dimmed empty hallways of _The Cerberus_, while his archenemy slipped further and further away each day. He had paid a high price, a month lost to wounds and rehabilitation, not including "losing" his left eye, his vanity. Never again would he underestimate the traitor, Uzumaki Naruto. Why it was a foolish mistake on his part because he should have remembered that Uzumaki was the clan's Number One Unpredictable Mandos. The bastard had reduced him to a caged vengeful spirit with nothing else on his mind except for getting even, and every day, the blazing heat beneath the eye patch that covered his "ruined" eye grew hotter and hotter.

At times, he even swore he could see the black material turning molten when his anger burned hot enough.

"On the prowl again, are we?" the ever cool and collected voice of his "Lord" interrupted his march.

Sasuke could feel those bemused golden eyes glittering out at his back in the darkness, but he refused to whirl upon the insufferable man, "You have imprisoned me on this ship for a **MONTH**, you devil!"

"All in concern for your good health, of course. As the saying goes, good help is _so _hard to find these days, and it would be waste for you to rush off to your own death so soon."

"The only one who will be dining in Hell soon enough is _Uzumaki_ _Naruto_-!"

"Oh, don't you mean you will _try_...?"

"Tell. Me. Where is HE?!"

"Oh, why not? I think this will be a good lesson to you, that is, why you cannot kill --- _a hero_."

Sasuke balked.

What...

What did the bastard just say?

"As it turns out, the Jewel Seeds should be arriving on a particular little blue planet out in the Unknown Regions today," Commander Anam went on without missing beat, like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to say. "We will be departing in the next twenty-four hours once I have mustered the crew and pulled the necessary strings for us to --- _disappear _for a bit; Section XIII will mobilize once more all in the interest of **galactic peace**, of course."

That --- that traitor is a _hero_? Was the bastard trying to provoke him on purpose? Did he even have a _slightest _clue _what _Uzumaki Naruto had done!?

Absurd!

* * *

Yamashita Park, part of the Waterfront Promenade attraction, was one of the many tourist hotspots of Yokohama City. A public park at the foot of Yamate hill, here visitors had a front view of the majestic port of Yokohama, which opened its gates to the western world for the first time a century ago, ending Japanese isolation for good. Many things have come about since then, such as the Marine Tower, a 106 meter tall lighthouse situated nearby, and there was even the symbolic _Hikawamaru_, a passenger ship that served on the Yokohama-Vancouver/Seattle transpacific route and others from 1930 to 1960, is docked right out in the water in front of Yamashita Park.

Certainly, it was not a bad locale to pick out for a evening date with one's sweetheart, not to mention a convenient spot since it is only five minutes away from the Motomachi-Chukagai Station on the Minato Mirai Line. From there, the ambitious can even stick on the Minato Mirai Line's trains and continue all the way to Tokyo's Shibuya Station through the Tokyu Toyoko Line. Of course, for the foreign individuals who were about to "arrive" at the ungodly hour of midnight amidst the electric night of Yokohama City, they had "other" concerns in mind.

When the clock struck midnight exactly, _something _began to happen. Stray animals in lonesome alleyways howled and fled, as birds idling on power lines and neon billboards suddenly took flight in a flutter of feathers. There was a spike in the city's power grid, causing a temporary flickering effect across the city, but not enough for anybody still awake to notice. However, if there had been a scientist or some curios individual out there with the right equipment, they would have noticed something "abnormal" occurring in the airspace around Yamate Hill.

Though, if they cared to look further, the anomaly was actually spanning an area that covered the entirety of both the Tokyo and Yokohama port authority. Bursts of spontaneous electromagnetic radiation were growing with increased frequency and intensity; the air literally abuzz with something invisible and electric. The wind had picked up, the clouds churning and darkening, as precipitation began to build. It was a phenomenon unlike anything meteorologists had ever seen, but even they had no clue, this was a smoke screen for what was about to happen.

There in the park, right near an elaborate water fountain, a cataclysm of forces was at work. To the observer, it was first a kind of visual distortion, like heat radiating off from a fire, but in reality, it was literally the metaphorical fabric of reality --- space-time --- contorting into a perfect sphere. Gaining momentum, generating gravity, drawing in particles from the air like a vacuum hose, sparks and arcs of electricity exploded around the surface of the phenomenon.

And sure enough, figures appeared in the invisible sphere: white silhouettes, poised in action. There were two, one falling back, and the other falling forwards reaching out for what appears to be a staff. Slowly, the white gave way to color, flesh and blood, hair, clothes, and unbelievably so, human faces. Faster and faster, the sphere spun as the voices of the two boys crept out seemingly in slow motion, both shouting at the top of their lungs in a rising crescendo.

There was a terrible crack of lightning, as if the world had been torn open, and suddenly, the sphere ceased to be, the boys cries set free at last, wherefore the more mundane laws of nature applied to them once more. Chief among those laws was: "What goes up, must come _down_," as they were about to find out the hard way.

_Kkra-thud_!

_**Clangggg**_...

Ouch, that had to hurt, though they should both be grateful it was only a drop of about five feet or so...

"_Guh-hoooo_..." the dark blue-haired one coughed, his metal staff laying just out of reach before him from where he was face down on the tiled pavement.

"By --- _ugh_, the S-s-Stars...!" the blonde-haired one added, from where he lay flattened out on his back, while his legs were tossed over the back of the other boy.

For a moment, the two "visitors" simply lay in a heap: moaning and groaning their pains. Judging by their foreign manner of dress, they certainly were not locals. Lightly "armored" two-piece cassocks, the jacket being a separable component, complete with gloves in a matching set of dark blue, almost black, gray trim, and armored combat boots was definitely not standard dress. They were closer to recruits from some knightly order of yesterday, minus all the heavy metal, and they could pass off for priests, if they were not so young and actually had some kind of identifying regalia on them.

Of course, the real kicker was the fact they technically were not speaking Japanese or English at all.

"En-force-er Ap-pren-tice Yu-uno _Scrya_, ge't y'er legs off a-me, NOW," the dark blue-haired one choked out in an irate pained growl. Apparently, the extra weight on his back was not doing wonders for his pain coping routine, namely restoring his breathing to some normal while giving the pain a chance to subside.

"Ouch...oh! S-Sorry, Sir!" Yuuno scrambled off hurriedly, being careful not to kick his superior on the way off. Kicking an officer was definitely not a good idea, and even less so, when the said individual was his "childhood hero."

Special Enforcer Chrono C. Haraoun, commissioned officer of the Time-Space Administration Bureau, clearance: Commander --- was having a bad start, well, end to a _**long **_day. He was hurting, his head was all kinds of FUBAR, and he did have a clue as to whether this heaven or hell? For that matter was he even really alive right now because the last thing he remembered was being aboard the GRS _Elsa_, caught in the explosion, deck decompressing into hyperspace, the Jewel Seeds, and a...

"...A flash of light?"

"Sir?"

Chrono froze, struck he was by a sense of impending doom, as he craned his neck about to meet the gaze of...

"SCRYA!"

"AHHHhhhhhhhhh! Please, don't blast me! I swear, it wasn't my fault! There was the explosion, the _Lost Logia_ going nuts, and-and-and-!"

"SILENCE."

Now, despite appearances, that is both himself and Yuuno looked to be the same age; Chrono was in fact the elder at 14 cycles while his subordinate was only 9 cycles old. Granted, he was kind of feeling raw that for whatever reasons his growth spurt had been delayed quite a lot, probably a side effect of ingesting _Ambrosia_ just a few years back: an expensive, dangerous, not to mention rare life extension "agent." He swore time and time again to his mother it was not on purpose and that the thugs at the scene of the crime had forced him to take the illegal narcotic as a test guinea pig.

But the long term impacts and the tomfoolery that resulted from it is a story for another time. Anyways, more to the point, he was the one in charge, which meant the changeling boy across from him shut up real quick with a whimper. Taking a deep breath to calm his own frayed and jumbled nerves, he turned himself fully about and sat up, ignoring the protests of his back, as he tried to recall the series of unfortunate events that lead up to this very moment.

"_Scrya_ --- are we alive right now?

Yuuno blinked at him, a dumbfounded expression on his face.

"I **said**! Are we _alive _right now?"

"Ah, err, uh, well --- you see..."

"No need to rush. Collect your thoughts and think about it... Are we alive right now?"

"Well, sir, with all due respect, I think this pain --- _ow_! --- feeling pain isn't something the dead ought to be able to experience."

"Based on that argument..."

"We've got to be alive, and my gambit paid off! Yeah!"

Oh crap.

"_Yuuno_..."

Ooooohhhh crap. He is addressing me by first name! Not good. Not good!

"_What_. Did you do exactly?

"Well --- sir, with all due respect, I --- I _modified _the standard Temporal Force Field spell's parameters on the spot to essentially form a Warp Field for us. As you know, simple organics such as ourselves couldn't possibly survive in a vacuum, much less hyperspace unprotected! At the time, we were both good as dead, so I figured why the hell not?"

Chrono shot him a long hard stare, which frankly flustered Yuuno. It had taken a lot of crying, running around the bush, and proving himself to convince the Bureau to allow him to enlist at just the tender age of 8 cycles. He was a cycle below the minimum age requirement of taking the contract mage examinations, and quite frankly, they just thought he was a liability. But oh no, Yuuno Scrya was having none of that; he was determined to take his place beside his "childhood hero", whom he had sworn to serve in exchange of paying off the life debt he owed.

Of course, the oath was part of a whole macho tribal honor code thing he got drawn into just before his fifth birthday; a life changing "accident" where he met his "hero" if you will...he was young, impressionable, naive...but **that **was a story for another time.

"Enforcer Apprentice Yuuno Scrya," Chrono began in an airy preamble.

Oh dear, here it comes... thought Yuuno, bracing himsef for the worse.

"To this day, I still do not understand this whole business about a '_life debt_' and cultural eccentricities of your people..."

By the Stars! He still does not get it? They have served together as a "team" now for close to six months! It took him ages to finally meet up again with Sir Haraoun, and this is the sort of treatment he gets? Ahh, woe is Yuuno Scrya to have such an insensitive master!

"But for once, I am grateful for your spontaneity to not follow protocol to the latter. Experimenting with standard spells is certainly not something you have been licensed or authorized to do, but... Well, you saved our lives. If you were a female, I would probably kiss you right now."

Well...

Wow...

Right?

Yuuno coughed as politely as he could; he was flattered on one hand, but on the other hand, he was kind of insulted too. His idol always did have a strange give-and-take manner when it came to giving out compliments:

"Sir, with all due respect, save the kiss for the _Goddess of Victory_ that I'm going to get you married off to one of these days. But! In the short term, I'd be happy for recommendation on my next promotion, Commander."

"Duly noted, Enforcer Apprentice," Chrono gave a grunt of acknowledgment, as he hauled himself up to his feet once again.

The situation report for now was simple enough: they were alive and the prototype intelligent magical device they had been transporting originally was still in one piece, that was the good news. The bad news? For starters, one look around them spoke volumes that they were far away from civilized space, stuck on an underdeveloped planet, with chances of rescue on the slim side of Lady Luck. A quick diagnostic check revealed both of their magical devices were damaged, thus unable to access certain "Spell Protocols" at present.

They were tired, getting a little hungry, disoriented, and their evening was about to get a whole lot worse.

High above in the black skies, the thunderstorm grew worse. The drumbeats of thunder roared louder and the whips of lightning cracked more frequently, as the wind howled ever boldly, whipping the air into a frenzy. Even the exhausted Bureau mages below began to consider where they should seek shelter, despite fears of encountering the local populace. Their fears, however, would have to wait for trouble had arrived.

Chrono huffed irritably, "This weather be damned. Come on, Scrya, we are getting-!"

He never got to finish his sentence, when a sudden explosion went off in a brilliant flash of light. Flying, tumbling, electric, impact: Chrono was deaf and numb, his vision a blurry mess. The constant ringing in his ears; intense searing heat, he could feel the steam coming of his skin and barrier jacket; burnt flesh and the coppery bitter taste of blood.

His staff? Where his was --- ah, he was still holding it. Good.

"S-Sir-!"

A voice?

"Chr-!"

Who?

"Chrono! Get...Oh hell!"

Again, Chrono found himself weightless, knocked aside carelessly (like hit by a land speeder?), crashing through something wooden; breaking, splinters. The air was sucked out of his lungs with a hoarse cough. Stars were twinkling in his eyes, blurry, but hearing was returning.

"_Gleipnir_: **Temporal Force Field **- Set UP!"

An eerie feral shriek cut through the air as a shimmering humming pulse of energy dispersed through the area in a vast shockwave. Some twenty or so meters off, a human figure with seemingly glowing arms squared off against a huge writhing mass of shadow, big as a two story house, amorphous with only a pair of glowing red eyes and rows of gleaming razor sharp teeth for a "face." The human's arms were ablaze with fiery light for a spiral of silken ribbons, materialized out of thin air, wrapping themselves around its arms.

"Behold, the power of _Gleipnir_, that hath bound the hound of end time, _Vaanargand_: **Spiral Bind**!"

On command, a plethora of glowing ribbons shot out in a spiraling pattern, difficult to track and overwhelming in number for they ensnared the beast of shadow in seconds and pulled taut. The surprised creature reared back with a terrible howl that would have robbed the courage of lesser men, but the human --- boy --- no --- Yuuno held on for dear life. He leaned back with all the power and strength he could muster out of his body, arms straining to wrangle the black writhing thing under his control. True, it was an absurd sight to see a boy of some nine years subduing a monster so gross, but such was the nature of magic.

"Chro-Chrono, I've-I've got --- urgh, _him_! I-I, rrghh! --- think it's a J-Je-wel Seed..._rghh_!...out-of-_control_."

A Jewel Seed? Out of control? Oh, that's right. The _Lost Logia _with the power to grant wishes...the Jewel Seeds. Back on the ship...

"G-_Gah_! He's-strong! I-I will-will, _ugh_...! Quick, r-run! Run away! Get help!"

Rain, pouring down... Cold, wet, loud, a rising crescendo of needles... Pitter-patter-pitter-patter...

"Run! R-_Run_, dammit!"

Run.

"Get help! That prototype device is no good to us. Find someone who can...ugh!"

Help. Prototype. Compatibility factor.

"Go, Chrono Clyde Haraoun! You can't afford to die here like this! _**GO**_!"

That's --- that's right. I'm...

"S-Sorry, Yuuno," the older boy grunted, using his staff as a cane to support himself, "I'll --- be back soon, I promise."

Chrono had been wounded earlier by the lightning blast, taking the brunt of damage upon himself by shielding his subordinate unconsciously. The younger boy had not asked to be saved, and to make things worse, Chrono had been tackled aside too by the newly materialized Jewel Beast when it came charging through, adding more to his injuries. It was amazing enough as is that he could even manage to stand, and between the two of them, Yuuno knew it would be up to him to hold the line as long as he could. After all, it was his fault for not being quick enough to protect the one he swore to serve, becoming a liability himself.

Idiot, I should be the one apologizing, thought Yuuno with a smiled, as he saw his "master" take off into a limping run.

* * *

He ran and he ran: blindly, through sheets of rain swept sidewalks, past a phantasmagoria of neon signs, department stores, skyscrapers, buildings of all shapes and sizes. He saw empty streets, idling traffic signs, hollow crosswalks, not a soul in sight, further and further he ran, lungs burning, numbing pain, tiring, darkening...**tripped**, a misstep. He fell, tumbling, rolling, skidding, sliding across the slick surface to stop in the middle of an intersection.

Lightning crashed, a white flash in the black sky, temporary, and thunder rumbled. Chrono did not know how far he had come, but it had to be far enough, and enough for a little time to breathe. Rolling onto his back, the rain soaked boy hobbled back up to his feet with a pained grunt, bracing himself against his staff once more. He was far from being in top form, but he could not afford to falter now, when his subordinate was waiting for help to arrive.

Muttering a spell under his breath, the enforcer mage reached out with his free hand as if to grasp something, as particles of light gathered rapidly in his palm coalescing with a sparkling flash into a gem. A perfect ruby sphere, small enough for him to envelop entirely in his fist yet not so small that it would fit well on a ring for this was their hope. It was a prototype Intelligent Device entrusted to himself and Yuuno for safe transport to a secure location, and they had no choice but to use it for the first time in a real battle with their lives hanging in the balance.

However, Chrono and his comrade were incompatible with Intelligent Device XID-301e, code named "Raising Heart". It was all up to the fates now for he would seek out with his "heart" for one who could wield her in battle. He would pray their was such a person in this city, on this world; someone, anyone who could lend their strength, a strength they never knew about it, a strength they could only dream about it, and now that sleeping power would awaken!

"As I pray, hear me! Open thy ears, One whose will is as my own, so that My voice shall be it engraved upon thy blazing heart! Hear me, for grave danger hath come to thy world, a terrible power not meant to be wielded by selfish hearts. Please, hear me! Lend us thy strength, a gift that hath slumbered long inside thee, and awaken this sword meant for One who is worthy. 'Tis named: _Raising Heart_, **behold --- Her Crimson Song**!"

And with the proud decree on his lips, Chrono stood proud and tall, brandishing the perfect ruby to the thundering heavens from whence erupted forth an awesome display of power. A brilliant column of crimson light set the scene ablaze, as it parted the unnatural thunderheads aside, piercing the veil of night to illuminate all. For several minutes, the display went on, before at last its herald could stand no more, collapsing to his knees once more, his staff barely holding him up.

The enforcer mage had done the best he could with his wounded and exhausted body. Now, it was all up to the stars to decide: that someone had heard his prayer, that the right person had seen Raising Heart's light, and that they would come to help before all was lost.

_Shaaaaa__rrrrgh_...!

By Fey and the Stars, Jewel Beast caught up to me so soon? thought Chrono with a bittersweet smile, as he glanced over his shoulder.

There stood the dark beast, rain rippling off its writhing form that had taken on a much more --- solid state, resembling a perverse parody of a krayt dragon from the deserts of Tatooine: it was four legged, huge, reptilian, with a decidedly draconian head and a gaping maw of razor sharp teeth dripping with venom, but all similarities ended there. The creature had only one eye, dead center in its forehead, which frankly was not even an eye but the actual Jewel Seed that held the entire nightmare together, while tendrils and coils sprouted spontaneously across its form like feeders.

To compound matters, it seemed the thing had a level of intelligence too, because it had left Yuuno alive --- for now. The changeling boy hung suspended amongst the tendrils on the Jewel Beast's back, just breathing to stay alive. He was a mess of burns and cuts, proof that he had put up one hell of fight, but alas, he had still been no match for the nightmare.

And now, it is up to me, thought Chrono, pocketing away the perfect ruby, as he rose once more to the occasion, a handful of blue magical knives materializing in his free hand.

"Song-Two-U: **Stinger Blade**..."

The Jewel Beast too prepared its hand, a mass of crackling purple energy gathering rapidly from its maw.

"...**Burst Shift**, standby..."

Ready?

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 38 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. And yes, I know it's been a while. Just when you thought this thing was dead, turns out I am still writing it, and I will continue to mess with your minds. Doesn't mean I like messin' with your minds, but I am determined to somehow communicate the fun and meaning of this fic, so until the day you honest to god get it, bear with the controversy. To the rest of you who do get it, my greatest apologies for not making it easier and congrats.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	39. Chapter 39

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as other series, references to, for example, "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

* * *

The Idiot's Guide to Nindo

_Moetagiru HAATO wo omae to --- makka YUUKI aru chikai wo_!/ _Kazama Arashi_

This blazing heart, together with you --- a blood-red oath, sworn by COURAGE/ Arashi Kazama

Chapter 39:

A Star is Born

A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

To compound matters, it seemed the thing had a level of intelligence too, because it had left Yuuno alive --- for now. The changeling boy hung suspended amongst the tendrils on the Jewel Beast's back, just breathing to stay alive. He was a mess of burns and cuts, proof that he had put up one hell of fight, but alas, he had still been no match for the nightmare.

And now, it is up to me, thought Chrono, pocketing away the perfect ruby, as he rose once more to the occasion, a handful blue magical knives materializing in his free hand.

"Song-Two-U: **Stinger Blade**..."

The Jewel Beast too prepared its hand, a mass of crackling purple energy gathering rapidly from its maw.

"...**Burst Shift**, standby..."

Ready?

* * *

One hour, forty-five minutes, thirty seven seconds... If help was on the way, it was sure taking its sweet time to get here.

The staccato melody of the rain poured down non stop, punctuated ever so often by cracks of lightning and the drumbeats of thunder. Brilliant flame and noise, red hot shrapnel, forced him back, sending him skidding across the slick pavement, barely managing to keep his footing, and still the beast continued its rampaging pursuit. In the span of time, they had leveled three city blocks to ruin and smoking ashes.

T'was a miracle the temporal force field was still holding, but time was clearly not on Enforcer Chrono's side. The optimist in him would like to say that a great deal of luck and a touch of skill had managed to keep him alive this long, yet he could not shake there was some foul play a foot, and he had been made the fool. He was weakened well before the duel began, struck by an arcane blast and tackled aside wherefore he was broken through a bench back at the park.

The Jewel Beast had dispatched Yuuno swiftly and had caught up to him in no time at all. If it possessed such strength to defeat his subordinate in such a short time, why was it taking so long with him? Though Chrono was the stronger mage that did not change the fact he was the wounded one here; in fact, he had acquired lacerations now to compound his burns, blisters, bruises, and internal bone fractures, with his recent round of combat. His barrier jacket was wreck, bleeding out glittering particles of mana, unable to self-repair itself, as Chrono was focusing all his energy just to say in the fight.

Is that thing toying with me? he wondered, as the smoke began to clear.

The cynic in him told him firmly with no room for argument: yes. It was the most logical conclusion. He had underestimated the beast --- no --- the creature immensely. It **is** intelligent; how else could it have dragged out this drama for so long? Why it has not killed Yuuno yet, who is still held hostage on its back, unconscious and helpless?

But even if it was intelligent, Chrono would have deduced a method to defeat it well before events turned against him. However, he had been unable to do so; the entire time his mind had found itself preoccupied, solely on his own failing condition and just surviving the fight. It was --- unlike him.

So what if its hide was so tough, that his only available attacks were inadequate?

So what if on top of its toughness, the creature could regenerate the damage he inflicted with ease?

Chrono had been in tough scraps before, but this was the first time where he was acting like an amateur. He fought to **win**, never to _just _survive. So why? Why was he so preoccupied by the cold lethargy clouding his thoughts, his body growing heavier and heavier, this **despairing **exhaustion? He had been hurt worse before, had he not? And still his mind had been clear and lucid, devoid of any doubt or fear!

So why?

..._Stubborn_...

What! A voice on the telepathic...wait, this channel is the one only he and Yuuno can use. Who in the?

_Shaaarrghhh_...!

..._poi_..._son_...

..._n-not_..._enough_?

But just as suddenly the connection was made, the alien presence broke away, and all was deadly quiet. Icy needles of fear pricked him, drawing his eyes wide open, as Chrono spun about, his panicked gaze darting across the devastation around him. Not here; not here; nowhere to be found; he had made another fool mistake.

"Never lose sight of your enemy."

Damnation!

Left, right, front, and behind...he already looked, so where else could it be?

Oh no...

Above!?

Instinctively, he materialized a handful of Stinger Blades in his free hand, brandishing them before his line of sight. Ready to loose them at any time, the enforcer mage alas met only cruel disappointment. He had been tricked, despite his training to overcome his inherent instincts; after all, humans lived virtually all their lives trudging around on the ground. The idea of looking up rarely crossed their mind, so he had been retrained as a bird of prey, always gazing down upon his enemies from his perch high above, masked by the sun and invisible.

But alas, a bird of prey with his wings clipped was as good as a sitting duck on the ground, and worse, he had the fool belief that the "earth" was something static and unchanging. How wrong he was... Chrono should have remembered that human logic does not apply to that which is not --- _human_.

The asphalt road split and ruptured, spilling beams of crackling violet for a split instant underneath his feet, before the white flash enveloped him. Vaguely, the enforcer mage registered the fantastic crack of the explosion, as forces and energy flung him skywards in an arcing trajectory, his senses rocked. Gravity soon took over and he began to fall, but there was another surprise in store for him for out from debris a black mass of tendrils rippled out. They wrought together, forming a fist, and hammered into him with a gut wrenching impact.

He was sent spiraling beyond control, smashing through the ash filled remains of a cafe, kicking up a cloud of soot and debris in his wake. Oh, but the Jewel Beast still was not done: the seeking "fist" opened up and unleashed a whistling violet hail of sparkling needles, sanitizing Chrono's position utterly. The senseless bombardment went on for several blood curling minutes, and then it was all quiet.

Tentatively, the Jewel Beast emerged from its hole and onto the street once more. Tunneling below street level into the sewers running beneath had been an ingenious maneuver, and the results were self evident in the settling dust. The shimmering light of a disintegrating "Round Shield" barrier spell marked a valiant last stand, a miracle of subconscious human will that saved Chrono Haraoun from instant death perhaps. Alas, he had only been able to protect his vitals, sacrificing the rest of his body into a proverbial pincushion.

If he was a wreck before, now he might as well be a cripple: the movement of the arms and legs had completely been stopped by those "needles". His barrier jacket was practically gone revealing his soiled officer's uniform beneath, and his staff had been shattered. Bloodied, filthy, burnt, and broken; in body he felt completely paralyzed, his breathing dry and hoarse, and his once sharp senses dull. He could barely see anymore; everything was growing so dark.

..._Check-mate_... echoed an alien voice.

Helpless, Chrono was brought before the Jewel Beast, ensnared in its seeking tendrils and hung like a puppet on strings. It was the end. He had put up quite a fight...

Two hours, two minutes, seventeen seconds.

Too bad no one would ever know of this struggle. He was far, far away from home, or any real civilization for that matter, but then again, maybe it was better no one knew: for to be defeated by a monster's poison ---- poison! of all things...

A light intruded through the darkened haze of his vision, but Chrono knew well enough of its intentions for it was the same dark violet energy emitted by the monster he fought. If it was not clear enough, right at the center of that light he could see the Jewel Seed. Which number it was he had no clue, but it would not matter soon enough. It was gathering energy out of the air, crackling with violent electricity, as it prepared to give him his last service.

Mother.

Father.

Yuuno.

Everyone...

Forgive me, but this was...

But he never got to finish as a new voice cried out bravely:

_Don't give up_!

Floating before him was a gem he vaguely remembered, blazing so bright and proud, like a star.

_Please, believe_!

She was a --- yes --- that perfect crimson ruby, Raising Heart.

_The real fight begins here_, _Papa_!

Pause.

Wha-ha-wait a minute-wha-HUH!?

**Papa**?!

* * *

There was an explosion of pinkish-crimson light, and Chrono found himself lucid, not to mention airborne again, much to his ire. Of course, the sudden transition was unusually shocking for him, so much that he actually let loose with a hollering yelp. It was uncommonly undignified of him, and if Yuuno had been conscious and able, he would have snapped a photo for the Bureau's records in an instant.

Now, being lucid did not change the fact he was still a physical invalid, thanks to the Jewel Beast's little trick. Chrono had no idea if it was a toxin, a paralyzing agent, or both together, though in any case by the urgent whistle of air, the ground was coming up pretty fast. He really hoped the landing would not break his neck, or better yet, could somebody please catch him?

The girlish shriek was unexpected, and the same could be said for the much softened impact, though his momentum was still too much, causing them to roll over backwards several meters before coming to a stop. Amazingly, whoever caught him had not let go, and shouldered the worst of the trauma on --- herself?!

Chrono was dumbstruck gaping.

He had no idea what to expect from this primitive world in the first place. It was good that it was inhabited and had some form civilization, judging by the developed city itself. But to meet a human, a girl at that too! What were the chances of that happening?

She was around Yuuno's age, nine or ten cycles: auburn brown hair dolled up into twin tails by ribbons, slate blue eyes, pretty for her age I imagine so (I am not exactly an expert on the opposite sex, though my tutors in that regard cry foul play that I am a natural born expert), and... Well, she seemed to have a bit of an obsession with the color **orange**. Her poncho was orange (which mercifully soaked up most of the damage from our roll); her miniskirt was orange (a miniskirt at her age?! By the Stars, have these people no sense of shame or are they honestly that liberal?); her two-toned longsleeved high neck sweatshirt was also orange!

Thank the Stars, at least her stockings were black and her mini-boots were brown.

But here comes the bigger problem, he could not understand the words coming out of her mouth at all. Yes, they did sound rather beautiful, and oh look, there was the Jewel Beast writhing around wildly in agony. Damn does it howl loud; he bet the beast could not even begin to comprehend the predicament he was...though it was nice Raising Heart appeared to have stopped its movement temporarily.

Wait a second...

Calm down, Chrono Clyde Haraoun.

Think hard and use your head right now that you can use it:

1. Looking up at the distorted sky through the rain and all, it was obvious the Temporal Force Field was still active.

2. Raising Heart just activated on its own a moment ago, borrowing his power to launch a diversionary attack.

3. There is a native girl now beside him, who definitely was not here before, and from the looks of it had definitely been traveling through this horrible weather. She was shaken up clearly, judging by the quivering wide eyed stare she was shooting at the Jewel Beast, but who would not be seeing a monster like that for the first time in their lives (he assumed it was her first time)?

With these three stipulations before him, there was only one conclusion he could come to:

**She was the one**.

Out of all the people in this city, she was the one, the most suitable person to answer his call. She heard and she answered: here I am. Perhaps, it was absurd to think that a little girl, who had probably never fought in her life and was completely ignorant of the worlds and powers beyond her star, would now have to bear the burden of responsibility as an **adult**.

Could Raising Heart have made a mistake? Could **he **have made a mistake?

But then Chrono remembered what the voice had said (could it have been Raising Heart he wondered?)... She had begged him to believe, have faith that the decision he was about to make was the right choice.

I guess, I am going to have another troublesome one to look after, thought the boy with a grin. I wonder if this is what Admiral Graham felt like when he ran into my father all those years ago? Well, here goes.

With a pained guttural shout, Chrono grit his teeth and willed his abused, broken body to stand. Young Miss Orange (as he had dubbed her) immediately took notice, panicked, and tried to sit him back down, which was completely counterintuitive to their present situation. They did not have time for this because any moment the Jewel Beast could finish regenerating the damage it suffered. If only there was way to...of course!

"Please, Raising Heart, guide us!" shouted the enforcer mage.

Raising Heart heard and she answered, the perfect crimson ruby materialized above and came to life in a glorious blaze, bathing the battle ravaged area in the light. Young Miss Orange gasped in awe, spellbound by the alluring glow that caused the healing Jewel Beast to writhe as its wounds began to burn. The warmth of her light breathed strength into the mage's body, soothing away the aches and the misery for a time, so that at least he could stand and do what he must.

"It's so pretty," the native girl spoke for the first time in a tongue he could understand.

Or was it the other way around? No matter, they would have all the time in the world later to figure it out.

"You, _ugh_, what is your name?" Chrono asked her through a wince, catching her attention immediately. It seems he was even worse shape than he thought, if Young Miss Orange could put aside her wonder that fast just for him.

"Ah! When did you get up? That's no good! You're hurt; if you keep-!"

"Please, answer me, Miss. We --- _umph_!--- do not have much time."

"Huh?"

"Listen, Raising Heart cannot keep the Jewel Beast at bay forever, and that _thing --- kuh_! --- is going kill all of us. You, your friends, your family, your entire world is in danger, unless we seal it. So please, answer me: what your name?"

"N-n-Nanoha! Takamachi Nanoha, um, errr...?"

"Na-no-ha is it?"

"Y-Yes."

"Good, I am Chrono, from far, far away amongst the sea of stars."

"Fr-From the sea of stars? You mean, up there, Chrono-kun? Outer space?"

"Sorry, no time to explain. Listen, I need you, _ugh_, I need your help."

"M-Me? But what can I do?" Nanoha gasped in astonishment.

"My hope and Raising Heart's light has brought us here together, Nanoha. You heard my prayer and saw Raising Heart's blaze, that is why you are here. Your fate, your destiny, and the lives of countless others under the Stars are about to change in ways you cannot begin to imagine. Will you come with me, Nanoha Takamachi?"

In an entirely impulsive move, Chrono offered his hand to her, soiled and bruised as is, drawing yet another wide eyed gasp (and a noticeable blush, not that he noticed of course) out of the girl. Sure, it was possibly cliché and maybe not in good taste, but dammit, he was running on instinct here!

"If you take this hand, you will never be able to go back, Nanoha. And if you do not, everything you love and know could be lost forever. I am sorry to put this, all of this --- but... But! I swear to you, I will always be with you, in fortune and misfortune, health and sickness; together, we will stand and go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb! This, I, Chrono Clyde Haraoun Le Fay, swear to you, Nanoha Takamachi!"

There, he said it. Blushing humbly red, Chrono did not understand what he just said exactly, but by the Stars, that had to be the most embarrassing thing he had ever said in his life! At this point, he was bracing for the worst possible outcome, all while holding his breath and teetering on the edge, not to mention trying to think of some alternative plans (and failing miserably in his subconscious panic).

And then, it happened: Nanoha Takamachi, flushing red, brought her two index fingers together and began to fidget animatedly, darting embarrassed glances up at him and at the ground, as if she could not quite look up at him.

"A-_Anou_, is this --- _etou_, what they call a --- a-a --- um, a proposal?"

Blink-blink.

"Uh-huh?"

"I only saw this on TV the other day, and we-well, we're kind of young, but... Mama and Papa are really happy... And...and...oh...how I am going to...Arisa and Suzuka too...but...a secret..."

Whoa, whoa! Wait a second here, is there some kind of miscommunication... Raising Heart! Hey! Raising Heart! Hello? Hello! Is anybody home? What's going on here?

Nanoha Takamachi smiled.

"If its with you, _Hoshigami no Kimi _--- I will!"

And she did a lot more than just take his hand, which she seized appropriately so.

_CHU_!

As for poor Chrono Haraoun, well, he was too busy being in electrifying shock, that is to say he was pretty certain he did not need mouth to mouth resuscitation...interesting, this feels kinda good-!?

HUH? WHA?!

It was a beautiful annihilation of LOVE (what?!).

* * *

And that's how Papa met Mama...

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 39 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


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